The Bad And The Worse

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

The Search

THE SEARCH
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens. He kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as
that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation: "Has anybody got a
cock?" - and all the men stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock?" and all the women stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" - and half the women
stood up.
"No, no" he said "That wasn't what I meant!...
Has anybody seen my cock? and all the nuns stood up!!..."

Lets Race.........

Farmer Johns goes out one bay and buys
a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.
The cocky young rooster walks over to
the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow,
time to retire."
The old rooster says: "You can't handle
all these chickens, look what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now don't
give me a hassle about this old man.
It's time for the old to step aside and
the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just
let me have those two old hens over there
in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat
it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and
then says to the young rooster: "I'll
tell you what, young fellow, I'll have
a race around the farm house with you.
Whoever wins the race gets full domain
over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm
going to beat you, old man. So just to
be fair, I'm even going to give you a
head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the
farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the
old rooster takes off running. About 5
seconds later the young rooster takes
off after him. They round the front of
the farm house and the young rooster is
inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. Farmer Johns, sitting on the porch,
hearing the commotion looks up and sees
what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his
shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is
blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly
shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That
makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

Here is a history quiz recently aired by ABC. The test consists of one multiple-choice question. Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:

China 1945-46
Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958
Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960
Congo 1964
Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73
Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69
Grenada 1983
Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s
Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99
Sudan 1998
Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999
Afghanistan 2001-

And now for the test:

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result?

Choose one of the following:
(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

It's B! The answer is B, right? I'm guessing B!

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

10. Bomb them…

9. Bomb them and tell them that you didn’t do it…

8. Bomb them and tell them that they did it to themselves…

7. Bomb them and tell them that you are really sorry…

6. Bomb them and blame it on their leaders…

5. Bomb them and then throw food at them…

4. Starve them…

3. Cut off their water…

2. Bomb them and then go on their radio and tell them you have come to ‘liberate’ them…

1. Bomb them and then call them terrorists

And then wonder why they hate you?

MARINE AND A CAMEL

MARINE AND A CAMEL

A new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

"Well, sir," replied the sergeant, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have the camel, Sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges, and asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants and had sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

Those Darn G's

THOSE DARN GENERALS

Two generals, Mahmood and Parvaiz, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Mahmood offers Parvaiz a Rs 1000 bet. Parvaiz agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Parvaiz is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Mahmood. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Parvaiz secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Mahmood says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 1000 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Mahmood says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"