Advice From An Old Farmer

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about is never going to happen anyway.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier
than putting it back in.

Contact Lens

CONTACT LENS
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic.
I was looking for $150."

Herpes

HERPES
"What's your dog's name?" the woman asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel!"

Wife's Birthday

WIFE'S BIRTHDAY
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Oral Activity

ORAL ACTIVITY
The bar was getting ready to close, so he ask the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "...Your face, or mine?"

Think About Possible Answers

THINK ABOUT POSSIBLE ANSWERS!!
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do
we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Country Club

COUNTRY CLUB
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

The Auction

THE AUCTION
The upstate NY man was rich in almost every way. His estate was worth millions. He owned houses, land antiques and cattle. But though on the outside he had it all, he was very unhappy on the inside. His wife was growing old, and the couple was childless. He had always wanted a little boy to carry on the family legacy.
Miraculously, his wife became pregnant in her later years, and she gave birth to a little boy. The boy was severely handicapped, but the man loved him with his whole heart. When the boy was five, his mom died. The dad drew closer to his special son. At age 13, the boy's birth defects cost him his life and the father died soon after from a broken heart.
The estate was auctioned before hundreds of bidders. The first
item offered was a painting of the boy. No one bid. They waited like vultures for the riches.
Finally, the poor housemaid, who helped raise the boy and loved him, offered $5 for the painting and easily took the bid. To everyone's shock, the auctioneer ripped a hand written will from the back of the picture.
This is what it said To the person who thinks enough of my son to buy this painting, to this person I give my entire estate.
The auction was over. The greedy crowd walked away in shock and dismay.

Mongolian VD

MONGOLIAN VD
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely ware disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man
replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

Some Sexual Laws And History

SOME SEXUAL LAWS AND HISTORY
* The Romans would crush a first time rapist's gonads between two stones.
* It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
* In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
* In Fairbanks, Alaska it's illegal for moose to have sex on the city sidewalks. (I don't know how this is enforced :) )
* In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Ouch!
* Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
* Taking the
act of adultery to very painful heights, the Serni of Brazil take a guilty wife, whip her and then expose the wounds to fire ants.
* During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.
* The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were cut in two.

Fraternity House

FRATERNITY HOUSE
The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya freakin' want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump his dumb ass on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."

Quaker

QUAKER
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real
Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."

Ass Survey

ASS SURVEY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Young Marriage

YOUNG MARRIAGE
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked,
"What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Stupid Questions

STUPID QUESTIONS
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?
Stupid Answer: Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?
Stupid Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.
Stupid Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you
ask the waiter
Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Stupid Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question: Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Stupid Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. On some occasion: When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?
Stupid Answer: No, he's a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. At night: When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?
Stupid Answer: No.
I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
8. After some time: When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?
Stupid Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist: When he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?
Stupid Answer: No it won't. It will just bleed.
10. Someone sees you: You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.
Stupid Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Fall

FALL
My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working.
Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.

25 Checkout Lanes And Only 3 Open At Any Given Time

TWENTY-FIVE CHECKOUT LANES AND ONLY THREE OPEN AT ANY GIVEN TIME
I'd like to thank WAL-MART, KMART, TARGET, and my local grocer for having twenty
five checkout lanes and only three open at any given time:
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for the home? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking up conversations with perfect strangers though. One lady told me which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers who actually smile. Another trapped customer gave me her great-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.
- I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to the snot-nosed
whiny child hanging upside down from the shopping cart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;
items once marketed as "Only available through this exclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in a box marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted by aliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets and private chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don't mind waiting in long checkoutlines:
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the thirteen things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my
insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Babe.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
-
I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we never open enough checkout lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated
cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

Navigator

NAVIGATOR
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before
you will."

Zoo

ZOO
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went
bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

Distillery

DISTILLERY
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.
His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.
"See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."
"Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"

HR People

HR PEOPLE
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such
a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Large Pill

LARGE PILL
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

12 Ways To Reduce Your Counseling Load

12 WAYS TO REDUCE YOUR COUNSELING LOAD
Not every pastor enjoys counseling. But other than by skipping town, how can you decrease the demand? Here, based on specious clinical research, are a dozen methods guaranteed to keep counseling off your to-do list.
1. Don't put a door on your office.
2. Sing songs such as "Put on a Happy Face" and "Don't Worry; Be Happy" to counselees.
3. Step out of the office and start laughing uproariously.
4. Tell the counselee that although you can't figure out a solution to the problem, you'll bring it up in the sermon on Sunday and see if anybody has any ideas.
5. Casually catch up on your reading while counselees bare their
deepest problems.
6. Tell the counselee you are videotaping the session for replay on the local cable program: "Candid Clergy."
7. Put a bumper sticker on your car: "I'd rather not be counseling."
8. Refer them to a helpful article in your favorite professional journal: the National Enquirer.
9. Suggest counseling by fax machine.
10. In front of the counselee, phone your spouse and ask for his or her opinion on what to do.
11. Recite tales of people who are a lot worse off, and call the counselee a crybaby.
12. Engage the counselee's mother-in-law as a co-therapist.

Am I Using My Computer Too Much

AM I USING MY COMPUTER TOO MUCH?
* I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!"
* I told my daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!"
* I challenged a co-worker, "If you don't believe me, just Google it!"
* My uncle was having a mid-life crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful—when you reformat, important files can get lost."
* "Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll remain in our registry."
* When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".

Worm Talk

WORM TALK
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says,"Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course."
"Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend
says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.
She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets drenched.
He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh,it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

English Leather

ENGLISH LEATHER
For years one gift I could count on when my kids were young was a bottle or two of "English Leather" after-shave lotion.
I thought for a while they liked the smell.
Then it dawned on me... the stuff had an aroma just like my wallet.

Advice With Boys

ADVICE WITH BOYS
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."
"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

Fortune Teller

FORTUNE TELLER
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one. "

Texan In Chicago

TEXAN IN CHICAGO
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked. He replied,
"How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15
double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big! "
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for
you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied,..... From the floor ma'am.................From the floor.

Hair Curlers

HAIR CURLERS
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.
I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

Cowboy And The Mexican

COWBOY AND THE MEXICAN
The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him.
There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly grawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...
At the cowboys hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.
"Well, the cowboy
explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad"
"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him"?, asked the Judge.
"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass...

Dressed Chicken

DRESSED CHICKEN
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

The Foreman

THE FOREMAN
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

Killer Brownies

KILLER BROWNIES
Beat one to one and a quarter cup (depending on if you like your brownies deep and moody or sweeter and cheerier) of sugar with two eggs and a dash of salt for 15 minutes.
Unless you're Amish, you're going to need some electric help with this.
Meanwhile, melt eight ounces of semisweet and unsweetened chocolate with one stick of butter in a pot. The proportion of semi to un depends, again, on your own preferences and what you have in the cupboard. 5 semi to 3 un is good, but you can do four and four -- lean toward that extra quarter cup of sugar in this case. 3 semi to 5 un is territory I have yet to tread, even at that time of the month.
Proceed at your own risk and expect to lose a
little skin off your tongue. (Hey, I'm not here to pass judgment on your idea of a good time.)
As for the butter, some purists insist on unsalted. I think the salt in salted brings out the flavor of the chocolate, but again, I'm not the boss of you -- do as you see fit, and don't blame me if the party ends early and abruptly.
Most people insist on using a double boiler for melting chocolate. I happen to think they're scaredy-cats, but whatever. The fact that I have no dishwasher and my double boiler is way, way in the back of my pot cupboard and undoubtedly harboring a thriving colony of silverfish may have something to do with my prejudice here. If you do melt it in a single pot, though, do use a heavy-bottomed one. (No heavy-bottom comments from the peanut gallery, please.) And use the tiniest lick of flame you can get.
If you cook with electric, you're past my help. Heck, you're past *God's*
help -- but then again, that's why you're here, isn't it? Stir a lot (gently -- melted chocolate spattering onto your eyeball is even less fun than it sounds like), and take the pot off the heat before the chocolate's completely melted. Stir it some more until it decides to finish the job on its own, lecturing on the virtues of self-responsibility to wear it into submission if necessary, and then stir it even more, since you're in the swing of it by now and to cool it off to lukewarm.
When it's completely cooled, stir it into the beaten egg mixture, using one of those rubber spatula dealies. Stir in a quarter of a cup of cake flour (you can use the regular kind, I guess, if you want), a teaspoon vanilla (if you use the "imitation" kind because it's cheaper, or if you have some untreatable brain tumor that makes you think "imitation" is just like the real thing, please do not ever, ever, ever darken my email again.
Some
things are WORTH PAYING FULL PRICE FOR, dad gum it! Did you ask for a discount on your KID? buy the store's brand if you want to save a few cents, but if it doesn't say real vanilla, IT AIN'T VANILLA! you wouldn't want to tool around town in an "imitation" CAR, would you? WOULD you?), and a cup of chocolate chips or, even better, hunks of chocolate you've hacked right off a bar of your favorite dark chocolate. (What do you mean, you don't *like* dark chocolate? It's always gotta be about you, doesn't it?)
You can use a square pan; I use a round cake pan, but that's a decision every adult has to make for herself.
Go back in time and preheat your oven to 350 degrees, and then do some research to explain to me satisfactorily why my keyboard has no degree symbol, forcing me to waste precious seconds typing out the entire word "degrees" what is it, twice now.
Bake the brownies for twenty-five
minutes and then check them. Whoa, whoa, hang on there, Tex -- I didn't say take them out, just *check* them. You know -- poke them in the belly (use your finger -- toothpicks are for sissies), jiggle the pan a bit, ask them how they're feeling. If you like them "slumped," as the English say (soft in the middle, like so many of us), take them out when they still have a little give to them. Otherwise, leave them in five or ten minutes more. Let them cool for as long as you can stand to. As far as I'm concerned, life is way too short to spend waiting for the darned brownies to cool. I have been known to cut just one out of the pan, throw it (bitching and screaming about my burning fingers) onto a plate, and put it in the freezer for a few minutes to bring it down to a manageable temperature. I've read recipes that suggest letting brownies cool six hours, but that's just ridiculous. I mean, I didn't wait that long for my own baby to be born, and he didn't come out smelling
half as good as a batch of brownies.
If you're some kind of sick pinko freak, you can eat these with something (frosting, heavy cream, whatever). Normal people recognize perfection when they see it and understand it needs no accompaniment, except perhaps a tall glass of milk.
You could probably gussy these up a bit, once you've got them down pat. Try adding a little peppermint extract, or stir in some caramel with or instead of the chips. If you insist on adding walnuts (bleargh), fine. Just don't tell me about it.
Serves one.

Bottom Line Price

BOTTOM LINE PRICE
A shrewd old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the old farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, and special tires, and that was what took the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer replied,
"Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece. Come and look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500. The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for those too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:
BASIC COW......................$500.00
Two-tone exterior...............$45.00
Extra stomach.......................$75.00
Product storing equipment..$60.00
Straw compartment............$120.00
4 spigots @$10
ea................$40.00
Leather upholstery.............$125.00
Dual horns..............................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter .......$38.00
Fertilizer attachment........$185.00
GRAND TOTAL ........... $1,233.00

Last Request

LAST REQUEST
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Divinity School

DIVINITY SCHOOL
Mr. Oliver Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get his Doctor of Divinity degree. After years of saving, at long last, he entered the university.
He worked and studied hard and this June his dream will come true when he finally receives his degree! From that day forward, he will be known to one and all as "O. Fiddle D.D."

Parking Place

PARKING PLACE
Billy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up booze."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Billy looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Telemarketer

TELEMARKETER
The phone rang just as we were sitting down to dinner. I answered it and was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling, please?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that. I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear at the local courthouse to testify in this
murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At this point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

God Created Heaven And Earth

GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH
In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "OK, what do You want me to do?"
"Go down into that valley."
"What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
"What's a river?"
And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
"What is a hill?"
And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
"What's a cave?"
And God
explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
"What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
"How do I do that?"
So God explained to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back. "What's a headache?"

A Real City Slicker

A REAL CITY SLICKER
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things ... chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go out shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs"

Westinghouse

WESTINGHOUSE
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
(D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she
had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because .. her friend was . well ... a blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing
her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests . They live in clocks."

Discrimination

DISCRIMINATION
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Home Late

HOME LATE
A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car".

Sexual Relation

SEXUAL RELATION
An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

Man Of The House

MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished his book "Man of the House."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director ?"

In Front Of Mirror

IN FRONT OF MIRROR
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Can't Concentrate

CAN'T CONCENTRATE
The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11 year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate," he replied. "I've fallen in love."
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? I'm much older than you are. What you are feeling is just "puppy love". And while it's true that I would like a husband of my own someday; I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll
use a condom."

Easy Operation

EASY OPERATION
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Terminate Online Affair

TERMINATE ONLINE AFFAIR
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____
Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
__ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
__ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
__ You typed your own name at the end.
__ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
__ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
__ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
__ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
__ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
__ Mommie says I need to spend
less time on the computer.
__ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
__ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.
___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
___ I am entering the witness protection program.
Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]

Model Customer

MODEL CUSTOMER
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Gettin Married

GETTIN MARRIED
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive at night!"

Golfer

GOLFER
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer
walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish

Some Facts About Sex

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Pregnant Turkey

PREGNANT TURKEY
One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! By the way my sister is a blond.

Rules

RULES
US MARINE CORPS RULES:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank
your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only fair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of lived.
NAVY SEALS RULES:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Check hair in mirror.
US ARMY RANGERS RULES:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US ARMY RULES:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2.
Sew combat patch on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US AIR FORCE RULES:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US NAVY RULES:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch evening movie
4.
Deploy the Marines

Synagogue

SYNAGOGUE
An usher at the entrance to the synagogue stopped Sadie. The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?"
Sadie quickly relied, "No, of course not. I am the groom's mother."

Deteriorating Sex Life

DETERIORATING SEX LIFE
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of
surprised."

Don't Use Big Words

DON'T USE BIG WORDS
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid
verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

Blonde Horseback Riding

BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDING
A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the hooves as
her head is struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune.
The Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

Closed Fist

CLOSED FIST
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand.
In his haste to get back to class he forgot to wash, so he made a closed fist to hide it.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in
your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared
away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away."
Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand NOW!"
So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Dungeon Doll

DUNGEON DOLL
Doll makers in England have created the Dungeon Doll.
It's based on Barbie but is dressed in a short rubber skirt and fishnet stockings.
Mattel is suing the company for copyright infringement, but Ken couldn't be happier.

Adam And Eve

ADAM AND EVE
Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve. He came back within a day and said he had found them.
Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?"
Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson, they were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons!"

Birth Registration

BIRTH REGISTRATION
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro".
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

Driving Test

DRIVING TEST
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. She asks, "Now what?"

Stockbroker

STOCKBROKER
Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her." "Just a minute,"
Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake."
"No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."

Signs Of Menopause

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Games For When We Are Older

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

A Friend

A FRIEND
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find,
Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!

Good News And Bad News

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?"asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient nods his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."

Wedding Night

WEDDING NIGHT
A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba 69."
More thoughtful silence, this
time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled one he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

Aging

AGING
-----> Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
-----> The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
-----> Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
-----> How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
-----> When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
-----> You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-----> I don't know how I got over the
hill without getting to the top.
-----> One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
-----> Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----> Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
-----> If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
-----> Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
-----> Getting old is soooo hard at times. Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch!

Old Is When

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Turks

TURKS
Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?
Student: They are called Germs.

Animal Complaints

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke
up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."

Dropping Money Down The Toilet

DROPPING MONEY DOWN THE TOILET
Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall.
The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.
"What did you do that for?!?" cries
the Jew.
And the Scotsman says, "Och, Ya donna think I'll stick my hand in there for a mere dime?"

Some Stress Relievers

SOME STRESS RELIEVERS
Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see,how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
----------------
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of
you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
----------------
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
----------------
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used
night clubs."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
----------------
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 8
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything
to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
----------------
Stress Reliever # 10
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
----------------
Stress Reliever # 11
A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 12
Man to wife on wedding night:
"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
----------------
Stress Reliever # 13
"Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?"
Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side."
----------------
Stress Reliever # 14
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
----------------
Stress Reliever #
15
Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?"
Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Very Dangerous Analysis

VERY DANGEROUS ANALYSIS
After 2 years of selfless service, an employee realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the company is not doing any thing about it.
So he decided to walk up to his manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his observation.
The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day."
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a
day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours ie. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 - 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove
that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday)?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I understood Sir ! thank you sir for all the money you have been giving me, I
am sorry for trying to steal from the Company

Father Of One Of My Children

FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says, "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I fucked on the snooker table in front of all my mates
whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Casserole

CASSEROLE
Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.
"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Mental Asylum

MENTAL ASYLUM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug."
"So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

Catskill Comics

CATSKILL COMICS
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics from vaudeville days (Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others)? Here are some of their famous comedy lines. You've probably heard them all before, but don't you miss that kind of humor without using a single swear word in the content?
* I've been in love with th e same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to
live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
* The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!"
The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says, "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."
* "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was
in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
* There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of.

Liquor License

LIQUOR LICENSE
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Chicken Surprise

CHICKEN SURPRISE
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
(You're going to love this....................)
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

Grounds For Divorce

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?
A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because 'he' can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

Get Back In There

GET BACK IN THERE!
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released
one very frightened telephone repairman.

Vien Chez Moi

VIEN CHEZ MOI
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. One blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled ''Vien Chez Moi.''
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means ''Come to Me.''
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, ''Does this smell like come to you? 'Cause it doesn't smell like come to me.''

Training Exercise

TRAINING EXERCISE
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handin him the keys, "yours is."

9 Kids

9 KIDS
"Marie, I read that out in Iowa, a woman with nine kids married a man with seven. Isn't that something?"
"Sure is," Marie responded. "That wasn't a marriage... it was a merger!"

Tampa

TAMPA
A Salesman was traveling by train with his bride for his honeymoon to Florida. He was talking to an old gentleman with whom he had made an acquaintance. He told him "I am going with my wife for my honeymoon to spend it in Florida"
The gentleman asked "Are you going to Tampa with her?"
"You are damn right that I am going to tamper with her, but what is that to you?"

How To Tell If You Need To Pray At Work

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
* When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone & you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of her"...... You need to pray at work.
* When someone comes in & announces, "office meeting in 5 mins," & you think, "what the fuck do they want now?" ...... You need to pray at work.
* When your computer is mysteriously turned off & you want to say, "which one of you sons of bitches turned off my computer?"...... You need to pray at work.
* When you & a coworker are discussing something & a 3rd person comes in & says, "well at my last office...", & you want to throw a stapler at
him...... You need to pray at work.
* When you hear a coworker call your name & the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" & you try to hide underneath your desk....... You need to pray at work.
* When you are asked to stay late & help do someone else's work & the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my ass!!".......You need to pray at work.
* When you're in the elevator & it stops to pick up someone who stood for 5 minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, & you say "that lazy bastard"..... .You need to pray at work
* When you take some vacation time & come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it & you think, "sorry ass mother
fucker" ....... You need to pray at work.
* If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with ......You need to pray at work.
* If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........ You need to pray at work.

Fidel

FIDEL
Fidel dies and goes to heaven.When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how,does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema,I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked and St. Peter is having lunch. So they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other, "My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Redhead With Huge Breasts

REDHEAD WITH HUGE BREASTS
One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts..."Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"
The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.
Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.
Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"
"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!!"

M Y A S S

M Y A S S
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects as of yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning, I walked into subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in
MYASS.
Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before."
I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was very releived - even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, you may put anything into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and
say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly & our employees can respond "Here you go sir, I just pulled it out of MYASS!"

Crisis Lesson

CRISIS LESSON
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

Learn To Iron

LEARN TO IRON
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

Say Things Twice

SAY THINGS TWICE
Abe was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Rochele replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abe turns to Rochele and asks, "What?"