Clearly

CLEARLY A guy had a girlfriend named Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous! He began to like her and, after awhile, it became obvious that she was interested in him, too. But, he was a
loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and drowned. The guy stopped there by the river for a moment, lamenting Lorraine's sudden loss. After he thought for awhile, he wiped the tears from his eyes, then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

Bird Brained In Helopisa

BIRD BRAINED IN HELOPISA John went on vacation to Helopisa. As soon as he stepped outside, SPLAT!!! A big piece of bird shit fell on him. He asked the first person he saw where he could wash it off. ''No! No!,'' they said. ''You cannot wash it off! That is good luck! The ancient foo bird has chosen you! You must never wash it off!'' ''Hey, I can live with good luck!'' he thought. But after a while, it started to stink. Every time that he was about to wash it off, someone appeared and said '' No! You cannot wash it off.'' So he left it on. After a week, people on the street started avoiding him. No one would give him the time of day anymore. So as soon as he got back to the hotel, he washed it off. At dinner time, he got dressed and left the hotel. At the first intersection he came to, he got hit and killed by a Mack truck. All
because he washed off the bird shit. The moral of this story is, ''If the foo shits, wear it!''

Computer Virus

COMPUTER VIRUS An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intended to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains.

Water Department

WATER DEPARTMENT RING! Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave... "Is this the water department?" Yes Ma'am, for most of this area... "Good. I
have some very technical questions to ask you about the water" I'll try and help... "Why are my nipples getting so hard?" You're not really serious... "I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!" Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff... "Not only that, they're getting warped!" I see... "They used to be soft, pink and round!" I'm sure they were... "Now they really look disgusting!" I'm sure they do... "So I want to know what you're going to do about this!" I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician? "Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!" I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this? "He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes
does that." Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off? "Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Now I understand... "Are you going to buy me new ones?" Why would we do that? "Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..." May I ask how old your baby is? "He's six, going on seven" Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle... "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!" I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples? "Since he was born" Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years... "So! You are refusing to pay!" Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out. "THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!" There is really nothing more I can do for you... "JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?" Well, why don't you just run down to our
main office. There you can file an insurance claim... "What good would that do? Will they give me the money?" They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not... "Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?" Just show them your nipples!!

Darn Women Drivers

DARN WOMEN DRIVERS This morning on the Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadilac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bagpipe Q And A

BAGPIPE Q AND A Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it. Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities Q: How is playing a
bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise. Q: What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool. Q: What's one thing you never hear people say?
A: Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. Q: What's the difference between a
bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one. Q: Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Marriage Counselor

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
Gene & Joan are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
Joan responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's *she* that suffers, not me."

Filled Ears With Pebbles

FILLED EARS WITH PEBBLES At a children's hospital, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency room ... he had filled both ears with tiny pebbles. After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?" "Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."

Lesson

LESSON Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Rabbit

RABBIT A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat up the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "I'm fed up with him, making me run round the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Elderly Ladies

ELDERLY LADIES Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

New Baby Brother

NEW BABY BROTHER Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Endorsed

ENDORSED Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."

Definitive Guide To Aussies

DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO AUSSIES 1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had
hoped. 12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. 14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, its not worth fixing. 16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 17. Its considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. 18. The phrase "weve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the hosts beer. (Dont worry, he'll have catered for it). 20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you dont need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 22.
Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just dont sit. Thats what backyards are for. 23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motels pool will always be
slightly larger than the pool itself. 26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. 27. The chief test of manhood is ones ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds. 28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 29. There comes a time
in every Australians life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies. 30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

Texas

TEXAS After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter."

Life

LIFE A minister, a priest, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the
rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."

The Pun Reference Library

THE PUN REFERENCE LIBRARY
Modern Tree Watches: Anna Log
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
I Win!: U. Lose
The Porn Queen: Mona Lott*
Feelings: Cara Lott*
Noise is Forbidden!: Nada Loud
Boring Midwestern Cities: Cole Lumbus*
Handel's Messiah: Ollie Luyah*
Kangaroo Illnesses: Marcus Wallaby, M.D.
The Bog: Pete Maas*
The Music Of Sammy Davis Jr.: Candy Mann*
The Industrial Revolution: Otto Mattick
Season Tickets: Oprah Maven(l)
Military Defeats: Major Disaster and General Mayhem
It's Unfair!: Y. Me
He's Contagious!: Lucas Measles
The Criminals Of Watergate: Barton Mee*
I Love Crowds: Morris Merrier
Turkish Minerals: Asa Miner(l)
The Candy Store: Pepper Mintz*
Animal Scents: Farrah Mones*
Soak Your
Ex-Husband: Ali Money(6)
The National Science Foundation: Grant Money*
I Wuz Robbed!: Alma Money*
Social Insecurity: Wilma Moneylast*
How to Cut Grass: Lon Moore(n)
Perverted Mushrooms: M. Morel
The Unknown Rodent: A. Nonny Mouse
Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway*
Flips and Tumbles: Jim Nastics(g)
Rusty Bedsprings: I.P. Nightly(m)
I'm an Atheist: Noel NoheaveN
The Hitchhiker: Juan Nalift*
The Big Wave: Sue Nami(c)
The Scent Of A Man: Jim Nasium*
French Cars: Myra Neault(k)
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit*
East Coast Universities: Cora Nell(l)
Exploring The Dutch Frontier: Will Der Ness*
Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett*
My Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse*
Harvesting Wild Plants: Dudley Nightshade*
Candle-Vaulting: Jack B. Nimble
I'm Someone Else: Ima Nonymous
Punk
Rock Rulez!: Lotta Noyze*
A Great Plenty: E. Nuff
At The Bottom Of The Can: Hazel Nutt*
Military Fast: Colonel O'Corn(l)
Exotic Irish Plants: Phil O'Dendron
Irish Dentistry: Perry O'Dontal*
Green Lawn Chairs: Patty O'Furniture*
Irish First Aid: R.U. O'Kaye(k)
Irish Flooring: Lynn O'Leum
After The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate*
The Irish Heart Surgeon: Angie O'Plasty*
Smoker's Cough: Nick O'Teen*
The LA Lakers' Breakfast: Kareem O'Wheat*
Russian Tennis Shoes: Ivan Odor(l)
Indian/Italian Cuisine: Ravi Oley*
Go Away!: Ron Onhome*
Life In The Sorority House: Carrie Onn*
Yoko's Robe: Kim Ono*
Italian Delicacies: Liz Onya*
I Hate Monday Mornings: Gaetan Oop
Come on in!: Doris Open
Crackdown: Lauren Order*
Nice Hotels: Mary Ott(i)
Danger!: Luke Out
Party On,
Dude: Jill Out*
Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Fred Can Philosophize!: Immanuel Kant
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
My Life With Annette: Amos Kateer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Who Killed Cock Robin?: Howard I. Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
Jewish Holidays: Hannah Kuhh
If I Invited Him...: Woody Kum
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!:
Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Pentagon Press Release: Colonel O'Truth and Lotta Lies
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
Joys of Cowardice: Lily Livard
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock
My Career As A Clown: Abe Ozo
A Trip to the Dentist: Yin Pain
The Fortuneteller: Reid Palms
Quips For The Young At Heart: Marty Pants
The Monkey Cage: Jim Panzee
Keep 'Em That Way: Private Parts
Leo Tolstoy: Warren Peace
Where to Find Islands: Archie Pelago
The
Hidden Surprise: Pam Perz
Imitating Mozart: Sam Phony
Off To Market: Tobias A. Pigg
Girl On a Budget: Penny Pincher
I Say So!: Frank O. Pinion
Plumb Good: Dwayne Pipe
Scottish Kilt Patterns: Glen Pladd
Bad Gardeners: Wilt Plant
The Fall of a Watermelon: S. Platt
String Instruments: Viola Player
I Beat Bobby Fischer: Jess Player
Little Bitty Froggies: Tad Pole
The TV News Anchorman: Maury Ports
Things to Cook Meat In: Stu Potts
House Plants: Clay Potts
Just Say No: Will Power
April Fool!: Sue Prize
Flogging in the Army: Corporal Punishment
The World's Deadliest Joke: Theophilus Punoval
Turtle Racing: Eubie Quick
The Housing Problem: Rufus Quick
The Economy is Recovering!: Knott Quite
Joe Wins at a Track Meet: C. Howie Runns
Not Bogged Down In Reality: Jason
Rainbow
Nordic Groundskeepers: Leif Raker
Measles Collision!: Kay Rash
Assault with Battery: Eva Ready
Don't Tread On Me: Amanda B. Reckonwith
Too Rough: Soren Redd
Preaching to Hell's Angels: Pastor Redlight
No: Kurt Reply
Outdoor Activities: Alf Resco
Indiana Jones' Adventures: Darrin Rescue
Eating Disorders: Anna Rexia
Highway Travel: Dusty Rhodes
Bad Investment: Les Riches
I Can Fix It: Jerry Rigg
What's For Dinner?: Chuck Roast
Clothes for Germ Kings: Mike Robes
Mexican/Italian Food: Pepe Roney
Playing with the Christmas Fire: Yule B. Sari
Weepy Movie: Maud Lynn Story
The Empath: Ophelia Sadness
Peeping Tom: Sawyer Scanties
The Telltale Heart: Stefi Scope
Maritime Rules: Paula See
The Twelfth Month: Dee Sember
Rules For Living: Sharon
Sharalike
Dull Razor: Nick Shaving
Weekend In Hong Kong: Rick Shaw
Do It Yourself: Tyrone Shoelaces
May Flowers: April Showers
Webster's Words: Dick Shunnary
Take a Break!: Colin Sick
He Disappeared!: Otto Sight
Ecclesiastical Infractions: Cardinal Sin
Prayers For Children: Cindy Skool
Great Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp
Fingerplay: Jacob Sladder
Wouldn't You Know It: Murphy Slaw
Look Younger: Fay Slift
Foot Coverings: Susan Socks
Shhh!: Danielle Soloud
Tailoring: Serge Soote
Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen: Minnie Sota
Teenagers Of The '50's: Bobbie Sox
I Work with Diamonds: Jules Sparkle
Small Vegetables: Russell Sprout
Gangway!: Hedda Steam*
How to Tour the Prison: Robin Steele
How to Draw: Ellis Strait
Athletic Supporter: Jacques Strap
Events In
The Soviet Union: Perry Stroika
Without Warning: Oliver Sudden
And the Other People: Allan Sundry
Riel Ambush!: May T. Surprise
You're So Sweet: Mable Syrup
Prevent Drowning: Buddy System
Mineralogy for Giants: Chris Tall
Why Cars Stop: M.T. Tank
When's The Revolution?: Millie Tant

Hitchiking

HITCHHIKING Hitchhiking on a dark night, a man sees a car coming toward him. When it stops, he hops in the passenger seat. No one is behind the wheel. But, suddenly, the car starts moving. The man looks down the road and see a curve coming up. He panics and reaches for the steering wheel. But then a hand reaches through the window and turns the wheel, smoothly navigating the turn. Paralyzed with terror, the man watches as the hand appears before every curve. When the car finally coasts to a stop, the man gets out and runs to a bar and tells everyone about his amazing experience. Pretty soon, two guys walk into the bar. " Look, Pete," one says, "it's the guy who got into the car while we were pushing it."

A Dog

A DOG A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in his mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, look and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now,open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and again, it throws himself against it. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back,jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts +abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on
TV, for the life of me!" To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key." Moral of the story.....
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the bosses' expectations

Butterface

BUTTERFACE
Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately.
Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface!
His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?"
Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE

Can't See

CAN'T SEE
The story went something like this;
Seargeant: When you are scared, what do you do?
Recruit: Keep on fightin'
Seargeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear . . What then?
Recruit: Keep on fighn'
Seargeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then??
Recruit: Then I can't see.
Seargeant: Can't see? what school did you come from?
Recruit: Well seargeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down. . over my eyes.

Drivers

DRIVERS
A boy and his dad were playing with toy cars. The father had the police car and pretended to pull over the car that the boy was playing with.
"Do you have a drivers license?" he asked the boy.
"No," the boy answered seriously.
“Are you resisting arrest?" asked the father.
The boy hesitated, then said, "No, I'm not sleepy yet.

Exercise For Seniors

EXERCISE FOR SENIORS
Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and
eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful.

Marriage Is....

MARRIAGE IS...
* Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
* Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
* Marriage is a rest period between romances.
* Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
* Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
* Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
* Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
* Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
* Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those
on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
* Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
* Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter
* Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
* Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
* Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
* Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
* Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
* Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
* Second marriage is the
triumph of hope over experience.
* Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Husband's Desk

HUSBAND'S DESK
Sign on husband's desk: "Things To Do Today"
1) Get organized.
2) Talk to wife.
3) Get reorganized.

Its Your Phone No

ITS YOUR PHONE NO
I thought this was kind of interesting... Someone send this to me, and I was about to delete, then i thought why not give it a try, like I knew its a trick but still I wonder how they came up with that
1) Key in the first three digits of your phone number into a calculator. (do not use your area code number)
2) Multiply by 80
3) Add one
4) Multiply by 250
5) Plus last four digits of your phone number
6) Plus last four digits of your phone number again
7) Minus 250
8) Divide by 2
Is it your phone number?
hay naa???????????

Husband Ill

HUSBAND ILL
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened.
She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

Erection

ERECTION
Calling a nurse he knew after midnight, John said, "I really am sorry to call you so late at night, but I have -- well -- an erection that just won't subside and it occurred to me that you might know what to do with it."
"It's pretty late for a housecall," she said, "so I suggest you take a long cold shower. If that doesn't succeed in reducing the swelling, though, use it to dial me again."

Repairman

REPAIRMAN
Police were called to the scene where Mr. Frank, an irrigation canal repairman was found beaten to death in a back alley. Sam had been dispatched to repair a leaking barrier which was supposed to be keeping water out of a lower-than-sea-level apartment complex near 3-Com Candlestick park.
Eyewitnesses described how he had unknowingly entered a women's gay bar and asked the patrons where he might find the crack in the dike.

Tasted Fresher Fish

TASTED FRESHER FISH
Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, how ever, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
"I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda.
"Not in here," replied the waiter.

Party Invitation

PARTY INVITATION
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says, "Hey John, whats wrong?"
John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

Oil Shortage

OIL SHORTAGE A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in USA. Well, there's a very simple answer as narrated by an American. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and TEXAS Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington

Which Gift Would You Like

WHICH GIFT WOULD YOU LIKE? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive. 1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron After you've selected, scroll down... 1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love. 2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die. 3. A SWEET `
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. 4. SEX
It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful.
OR
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after
another. 5. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor. 6. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who
believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

Pick Up

PICK-UP A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?" "Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass. "Oh,"
says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny. The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" "Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke. "Be my guest," replies Mr Smarty-pants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."

Miser

MISER Old man Jackson, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally, they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street. Jackson, much taken aback, began, "Hey! Why am I left with a run-down shack when all of these others around me have fine mansions?" "Well,
sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."

Nut

NUT Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued
the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See! It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

Who Is Who

WHO IS WHO Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest person in the
world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the heck is Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

Golf Lesson

GOLF LESSON A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.

Things My Mother Taught Me - I Owe My Mother

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME - I OWE MY MOTHER I have seen this joke in bits and pieces all over the net but this is the most complete list I have seen so far and I remember my Mom saying a lot of these
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4 My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's
why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you
once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Cartoon Personality

CARTOON PERSONALITY Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well know and modern cartoon characters. - The information that
was gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, then add up all your points at the end and look for your results. Write you answers on a piece of paper numbered 1-10... 1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner
b) Fun/Theme Park
c) Painting in the park
d) Rock concert
e) Going to the movies. 2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b)
Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Country
e) Pop. 3) What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary. 4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter
b) Professional Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Police
e) Cashier. 5) What do you do with your
spare time?
a) Exercise
b) Read
c) Watch television
d) Listen to music
e) Sleep. 6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow
b) White
c) Sky Blue
d) Dark Blue
e) Red. 7) What do you prefer to eat right now?
a) Snow
b) Pizza
c) Sushi
d) Pasta
e) Salad 8) What is your favorite Holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year
d) Valentines Day
e) Thanksgiving. 9) If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood. 10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart
b) Someone attractive
c) Someone who likes to Party
d) Someone who always has fun
e) Someone very sentimental. Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
1.) a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3
2.) a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3
3.) a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5
4.) a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-1
5.) a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3
6.) a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4
7.) a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5
8.) a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5
9.) a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3
10) a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4 (10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, and easy going and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others. (18-26 points) You are Snoopy: You are to have fun and you are very cool and popular You always know what's in
and you never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else.You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learnt. Being married and having Children are important to you but only after you have had your share of fun times. (22-28 points) You are Arnold: You have lots of friends and you are also popular always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer if not you will have many conflicts with life. (29-34 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the
classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people then you will be stress free. (35-42 points) You are Charlie Brown: you are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality. (43-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and
definitely a thinker. Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. Maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes.

Horny Wife

HORNY WIFE A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest night-gown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand. She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable." "How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?" "I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said. "Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled. "You do me, and I'll owe you one."

Disagreement

DISAGREEMENT A married couple was having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

Complaint Letter

COMPLAINT LETTER I thought you all might appreciate a "good" complaint letter ....hm, looks like I should be taking a lesson or two from Mr. Stokes - - read on! 1) We are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain). 2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint. Dear Cretins: I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed);
that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue, I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. May you rot in Hell, Robert Stokes

Lunatic Cab Driver

LUNATIC CAB DRIVER Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the address to go to. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cab driver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Polish Sausage

POLISH SAUSAGE !! A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot
Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would Ya" The clerk says, "Well no." "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" "Well, I probably wouldn't," With self-indignaton, the guy says, "Well,
all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

I Can Hear Just Fine

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Florida Exam

FLORIDA EXAM Some of the local good ole boys at the local pool hall down here in Florida annouced the other day that they're gettin' a bit tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. Seems they're challengin' any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam that originated over at the University of Florida Engineering Department: 1. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine
produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 2. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 3. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO. 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer

Conspiracy

CONSPIRACY Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning,
and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ......... Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? HA! I would
never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS
CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!

Impotence

IMPOTENCE A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food. Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time. However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup. "Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."

Blonde Speeding

BLONDE SPEEDING A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

You're As Redneck If..

YOU'RE AS REDNECK IF 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back
from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program! 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck
does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of
improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. And Last, But Not Least... 31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!

Sunday School

SUNDAY SCHOOL When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Cooking Lesson

COOKING LESSON A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she said. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Senses

SENSES There is a touching, little story told us of a Buddhist bhikkhu. He was the son of a nobleman and lived in a palace. Coming under the influence of the Buddha, he renounced his wealth and comfort and accepted the hardships of a mendicant's life. He slept on the bare ground: he ate what he got by way of alms. Suddenly, he got an attack of rheumatic pain. At first, he treated it with indifference. Days passed by: the pain persisted. He could not walk with ease. At times, he could not meditate properly. He felt miserable. Gone was the joy of his life. However hard he tried, he could not recapture the peace, which once belonged to him.
One day, he found a little girl playing with her friends. She hobbled on sticks: but her face was a picture of joy. She was happy as a wave dancing on the sea. Seeing her, the bhikkhu felt ashamed of himself. "The little girl has only one leg and is bright and happy," he said to himself. "And I, a disciple of the Buddha, despair because of a little pain!" Sadness is not due to what happens to us: it is due to what happens within us. Significant are the words of Oliver Cromwell, the man who must have faced dangers and difficulties almost everyday:- "I bless God I have been inured to difficulties and I never found God failing when I trusted in Him." If only we learnt to trust Him, in all situations and circumstances of life, no disappointment or depression would be able
to touch us. The man who has learnt the art of living draws, from the trials and tribulations of life, the strength he needs to serve God and His suffering creation. Difficulties, disappointments melt away before a man who has a cheerful disposition. A significant story tells us of how the devil announced that he was going out of business and that he would sell his tools at a discounted price. The tools were attractively displayed. They included self-love, egoism, sensuality, hatred, wrath, greed, envy, jealousy, passion for power,
etc. There was, however, one tool which appeared to be much worn out. The devil was not prepared to part with it except for an exceedingly exorbitant price. Someone asked him:- "What is that?" The devil answered:- "That is discouragement and depression." "Why is it priced so high?" "Because to me it has proved to be the most useful. When all other tools fail, I can, with this single tool, pry open the heart of man, and do my work. If only I succeed in making a man feel discouraged, disheartened, I can make him do what I like. I have used this tool almost on every man, that is why it is so much worn out." It has truly been said that "the devil has two master tricks." One is to get us discouraged: then, for some time at least, we can be of no service to others, and so are defeated. The other is to make us doubt, thus breaking the faith link by which we are bound to God. Look out! Do not be tricked either way! Therefore, laugh and
smile all the while! Laugh your way to health, happiness, harmony, prosperity and peace! "Which is the most important of the five senses?" a saint was asked. "None of them," the saint replied, "But the sixth one, the sense of humour."

Lawyers Should Never Ask

LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bast...s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

Loan

LOAN
New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you at the FHA find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was approved.

Solomons Wives

SOLOMONS WIVES
"Look, Solomon, I'm not one to complain, but don't you think you're a little greedy having a thousand wives? I mean, what can you do with a thousand wives that you can't do with just one?
"Oh, I do the same thing, but the odds of them all having a headache are a lot less!"

Virgin In Heaven

VIRGIN IN HEAVEN
An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow
White."

Testicles

TESTICLES
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."

Fly Swatter

FLY SWATTER
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Husband In Bed With Another Woman

HUSBAND IN BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had better be good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.
She climbed into my truck! and I brought her home.
She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk
blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.
I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me.... "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Mail From Heaven

MAIL FROM HEAVEN
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 14 October 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

10 Speed Bike

10 SPEED BIKE
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He
got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway, and tied it to his bumper. He then tied the other end to the bike and told the rider that he would drive slow.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past
them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed ahead to the another officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike yelling to pass."

Rowdy Party

ROWDY PARTY
During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept disappearing into a back bedroom with one man after another, including the host.
This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly smoldering, but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.
It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the hostess looking somewhat frazzled and rumpled. "I'm sorry to rush off," she explained, "but I don't feel too well."
"Of course, I understand my dear." was the hostess' rejoinder. "You must have a splitting backache."

Billboard

BILLBOARD
The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed with their new billboard.
It showed a handsome-husband-type gent being served a large plate of steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.
Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"
But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.
Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty

10 HALLOWEEN PHRASES THAT SOUND DIRTY
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living
room floor!

One Of Us

ONE OF US This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

Commentating On Sport

COMMENTATING ON SPORT
Check out these sports slip-ups!
* Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator:
"This is Gregori Ava from Bulgaria.... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
* Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
* Murray Walker:
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
* Greg Norman:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
* Alan Minter:
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them
serious."
* Terry Venables:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
* Ron Atkinson:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
* Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
* Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
* David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
* US TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Deal

DEAL A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! With that look, I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"

Strange Things To Ponder

STRANGE THINGS TO PONDER
---> How do you get off a nonstop flight?
---> How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
---> How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
---> How do you throw away a garbage can?
---> How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
---> How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
---> How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
---> How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
---> How does the guy who drives the
snowplow get to work in the mornings?
---> How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
---> How is it possible to run out of space?
---> How long is the long arm of the law?
---> How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
---> How many weeks are there in a light year?
---> How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
---> How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
---> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
---> How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?

---> If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
---> If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
---> If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
---> If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
---> If a
hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
---> If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
---> If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer?
---> If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
---> If a
picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
---> If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
---> If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?
---> If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
---> If a tree falls in the forest,
does the earth scream out in pain?
---> If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
---> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
---> If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
---> If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
---> If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
---> If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
---> If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
---> If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
---> If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
---> If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
---> If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
---> If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
---> If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
---> If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
---> If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
---> If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
---> If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums?
---> If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show?
---> If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?
---> If God dropped acid, would he see people?
---> If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
---> If humans have nightmares, what do horses
have?
---> If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
---> If I save time, when do I get it back?
---> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
---> If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
---> If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
---> If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
---> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
---> If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
---> If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout
cookies made out of?
---> If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
---> If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
---> If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

How To Fry Eggs

HOW TO FRY EGGS The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling... "CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFULL!!! CAREFULL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" The wife was very upset, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

Hold It Tight

HOLD IT TIGHT A Cowboy having a toothache and goes to the dentist's office. The dentist examines him and says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, then we will have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick and it lasts a few days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he
asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will sure give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth"

Words Of Women

WORDS OF WOMEN FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING
This means
"something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine." GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's
Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!! Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

One Bad Nun

ONE BAD NUN The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here yesterday. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee,
hee, hee. Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And I also found a condom. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used! 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it! 1 nun: Oh, No! 99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...

Drunks

DRUNKS Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

I Am A Senior Citizen

I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and a well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacations homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding
insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants, to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein

German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby

GERMAN COUPLE WANTED TO HAVE A BABY A German couple who, after 8 frustrating years of failing to have a baby, sought help from the University Clinic of Lubek only to be told that they must have sex if they want to have a baby. According to a University spokesperson, "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: 'What do you mean?'". "We are not talking retarded people here," the spokesperson
continued, "but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate." The couple, also smiling for the first time, are now being given appropriate counseling ... and a high speed Internet connection. The University, amazed to have found a man who actually thinks only with his brain, is undertaking a study to see if there are other such couples.

Tortoise And Bunny

TORTOISE AND BUNNY

Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race. He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ. The hare woke up and realized that he'd lost the race. The moral- "Slow and steady wins the race. This is the version of the story that we've all grown up with." THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE, there are few more interesting things.....it continues as follows...... The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some soul-searching. He realized that he'd lost the race only because he had been overconfident, careless and lax. If he had not taken things for granted, there's no way the tortoise could have beaten him. So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed. This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start
to finish. He won by several miles. The moral - " Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady. It's good to be slow and steady; but it's better to be fast and reliable." THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE The tortoise did some thinking this time, and realized that there's no way it can beat the hare in a race the way it was currently formatted. It thought for a while, and then challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route. The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made commitment to be
consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad river. The finishing line was a couple of kilometres on the other side of the river. The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued walking and finished the race. The moral - " First identify your core competency and then change the playing field to suit your core competency." THE STORY STILL HASN'T ENDED. The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty
good friends and they did some thinking together. Both realized that the last race could have been run much better. So they decided to do the last race again, but to run as a team this time. They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the river bank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier. The moral - "It's good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies; but unless you're able to work in a team and harness each other's core competencies, you'll always perform below par because there will always be situations at which you'll do poorly and someone else does well. Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership. Note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure. The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard as he could." In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work harder and put in more effort. Sometimes it is appropriate to change strategy and try something different. And sometimes it is
appropriate to do both. The hare and the tortoise also learnt another vital lesson. When we stop competing against a rival and instead start competing against the situation, we perform far better. To sum up, the story of the hare and tortoise has much to say: Chief among them are that fast and consistent will always beat slow and steady; work to your competencies; pooling resources and working
as a team will always beat individual performers; never give up when faced with failure; & finally, compete against the situation - not against a rival.

Parking

PARKING I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Play House

PLAY HOUSE "Would you like to play house with us," asked the bravest of several girls. "Sure," replied Little Johnny. "Which one of you is going to be the madam?"

Supersex

SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Vets Surgery

VETS SURGERY Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab
said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started
humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."