Look Upset

LOOK UPSET
Mary: What's wrong, Jill? You look upset.
Jill: I'm stressed out, and it's affecting my normally bubbly fucking personality.

Gang Member Dad

GANG MEMBER DAD
A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch.
The baby murmured "mother".
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Diagnosis

DIAGNOSIS
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

Old Codger

OLD CODGER
A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General, largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even survive the wedding night.
While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed. When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a condom.
"Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.
"Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

Dislike Lawyers

DISLIKE LAWYERS
During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman.
He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

Losing Interest

LOSING INTEREST
"Of course I'm not losing interest in our lovemaking dearest." said the husband to his wife.
"I'm simply making love slowly so the ashes don't fall off my cigarette onto the sheets."

Nuns

NUNS
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome late one afternoon. It starts getting dark and one of the nuns gets a little nervous. She leans over to the other nun and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

Old West Phrases

OLD WEST PHRASES THAT WILL NEVER SOUND THE SAME AFTER THAT DAMNED GAY COWBOY MOVIE
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I
reckon this might hurt a bit"

Cab Ride

CAB RIDE
Margaret had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the address to go to.
The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver and Margaret sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip.
The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Margaret watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Margaret looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to
spare on either side.
"Driver," Margaret screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Lawyer Jokes

LAWYER JOKES
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three; one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why do we have lawyers?
A:
To make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners or an anvil.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing; there are some things a pig won't do.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A:
You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Do You Know The Time

DO YOU KNOW THE TIME
Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. "Excuse me, sir,"the American said. "Do you know the time?"
The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey's balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand.
"Ten after two," he said, at last.
"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. "You've never seen anything like this!" he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey's balls. Again, he seemed to be
weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past two."
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, "Listen," he confided, "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."
The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the donkey's balls and gently moved them to the side out of the way, and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"

Marriage Counsellor

MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a
challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

Computer Users

COMPUTER USERS
Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

Sing To Sleep

SING TO SLEEP
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three year old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

Because I'm A Man

BECAUSE I'M A MAN
----> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
----> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
----> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an
issue.
----> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like"Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
----> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
----> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
----> Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
----> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
----> Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
----> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
----> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
----> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 1st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I will do the rest.
* This has been *
A public Service message for Women, to better understand the Male animal.

The Cowboy Code

THE COWBOY CODE
I grew up in much simpler times. Television was in its infancy, and the idea of a hero was exemplified in the white-hatted cowboy. There was a clarity and simplicity to such a hero`s moral code that left no doubt there is a right and wrong.
As I became more sophisticated, it was easy to ridicule these simplistic approaches to ethics and living. Yet the more I learn, the more I've come to think there`s as much danger in complexifying our choices into endless shades of gray.
Sure, there are extenuating factors and exceptions that challenge the validity of every ethical principle, but on balance we need clear prescriptive guidelines of virtue. Such guidelines are provided in the quaintly old-fashioned
Cowboy Code promoted by the late Gene Autry:
1. Don't shoot first, hit a smaller man or take unfair advantage.
2. Don't go back on your word or a trust confided in you.
3. Tell the truth.
4. Be gentle with children, the elderly and animals.
5. Don't advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant ideas.
6. Help people in distress.
7. Be a good worker.
8. Keep yourself clean in thought, speech, action and personal habits.
9. Respect women, parents and the law.
10. Be patriotic.
With a little updating, this code still works.

Good Bye

GOOD BYE
Nadine: I've discovered the origin of the word "good-bye."
Jill: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Nadine: Many years ago, some husband said to his wife, "I'm leaving you!" The wife said, "Good! Bye!"

Frankenstein

FRANKENSTEIN
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the
bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.
As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

Really Baaaaad

REALLY BAAAAAD....
In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church.
On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the
pastor agreed.
The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various punishments, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her punishment. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.
On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10
Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth.
The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "A", "B" and "C"" and, sure enough, he found all of the sins and their individual punishments clearly written out in the priest's neat handwriting. It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's private lives. Up to the last person, that is.
An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again."
The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn't there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of
but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called him on the telephone.
When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"?
The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream come. But usually not money."

Inspection

INSPECTION
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Check-point in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.
The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the hand brake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."
So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
"Now, go and open the trunk!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldier's request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car,
"Is there any contraband in there?"

Painting The House

PAINTING THE HOUSE
Mrs. Rosen is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You want to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

Long Train Ride

LONG TRAIN RIDE
The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.
"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."
The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help. "What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"
"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and
suffocate the other."

Home Life

HOME LIFE
Mary: My friend Joe called me last night to complain about his home life.
Jill: Really? What's the problem?
Mary: Oh, it's the usual. His daughter's a teenager. You know how teens can be!
Jill: Oh, yes, I do!
Mary: He said, "I can't get a break! My daughter's 14 and getting breasts, and my wife's 48 and getting a moustache!"

How To Make A Man Happy

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:-
01. Feed him
02. Shag him
03. Leave him in peace

Hot Bath

HOT BATH
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

How To Make A Woman Happy

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's really not difficult...To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest
exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42.
dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention,
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

Blonde

BLONDE
There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby.
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.
She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."

Swedish Diet

SWEDISH DIET
The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure", which is very popular in Sweden.
In a short interview, the creator Lasse Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah, well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly and shit like an elephant."

New Secretary

NEW SECRETARY
Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener."

Gay Test

GAY TEST
A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."
Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to "say 55."
Gerry said "55." The doctor then grabbed Gerry's penis and told him to "say 55."
Gerry said "55."
The doctor then told Gerry to turn around, and putting a finger in Gerry's anus he once again told him to "say 55."
.......... Gerry said "1...2...3..."

Watching

WATCHING
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.

Bananas

BANANAS
Bananas. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas
contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Essex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power.
Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the
affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and
reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium
levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, "eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.
So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana
a day keeps the doctor away!"
PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR ON-LINE FRIENDS and FAMILY
PS Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
ONE Banana a day keeps the doctor away!!!!!!!

New Survey

NEW SURVEY
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other woman.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Global Warming

GLOBAL WARMING
Mary: I have my own theory about global warming, and I think it's a pretty sound one.
Jill: What's that?
Mary: Well, someone should consider the possibility that it's caused by all of us menopausal women and our hot flashes.

Beggar

BEGGAR
Ryan and Todd were riding the New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Todd adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Ryan, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a five, and gladly hands it to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him profusely and continues on to the other passengers. Todd is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on EARTH did you do that for???" shouts Todd. "You know he's only going to spend it on booze!!!"
Ryan replies, "And we weren't?"

Right And Wrong Things To Say To A Man After Sex

THE RIGHT (R) AND WRONG (W) THINGS TO SAY TO A MAN AFTER SEX
R: You're the one
W: Next.
R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?
R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.
R: What colour are your eyes?
W: What colour do you want to paint the baby's room?
R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.
R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.
R: I love you.
W: I love
you.

Definitions For Parents

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS
----> AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
----> DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
----> FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
----> FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
----> FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.
----> GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them
right.
----> HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
----> IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
----> INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
----> OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
----> PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
----> PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
----> SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
----> STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
----> TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
----> TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
----> VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
----> WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Copy Machine Handout

COPY MACHINE HANDOUT
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then.
One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do
now.

You Are From Manitoba

YOU ARE FROM MANITOBA
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....
* You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
* You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
* The mosquitoes have landing lights.
* You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
* You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* Driving is
better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
* The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
* Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
* You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
* You head south to go to your cottage.
* You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
* You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
* The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
*
You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
* You can play road hockey on skates.
* You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
* The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
* You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

The Silent Treatment

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.

Sex In The Dark

SEX IN THE DARK
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the
eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Who Does What

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".

Words

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A New Years Wish

A NEW YEARS WISH
Please accept with no obligation implied, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion or secular traditions of all.
And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other
country or is the only "Britain" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these term: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable provided there is no alteration to the original. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to repair of this wish or issuance of a replacement wish at the sole desecration of the wisher.

Office Holiday Memo

OFFICE HOLIDAY MEMO
To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Wishes For The New Year

WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your
gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends,
ushering in the New Year ahead.
You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your mosque / church / temple and charities.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye.
Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace,
and much love during the next year and all those that follow.
And I simply would add to that, the following:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Thank You Notes

THANK YOU NOTES
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Prayers

PRAYERS
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A SONY PLAY STATION. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

From Down Under

FROM DOWN UNDER
THERE'LL be no ho, ho, ho this Christmas. Aspiring Santas have been told not to use the term "ho" because it could be seen as derogatory to women.
Thirty trainees at a Santa course in Adelaide last month, held by recruitment company Westaff, were urged to replace the traditional festive greeting with "ha, ha, ha".
A Santa veteran of 11 years who attended the course told the Sunday Mail the trainer was very clear in spelling out no to "ho".
Two Santa hopefuls reportedly left the course after the trainer's edict.
The term "ho" is also American slang for a prostitute. "We were told it (ho) was a derogatory term for females and can upset people," said the Santa, who did
not want to be identified publicly.
"As far as I'm concerned, a hoe is something you dig the ground with.
"I don't think you'll hear too many Santas saying `ha, ha, ha'."
Critics have branded the instruction for Santas to use "Ha! ha! ha! Merry Christmas" as nonsense and madness.
University of South Australia communications senior lecturer Dr Jackie Cook said any banning of "ho, ho, ho" was "nonsense".
"Can we use a garden hoe anymore? Do we have to remove that?" she said.

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas

THE TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS
The first thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Five month of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up these lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The seventh thing a Christmas,
that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army.
Facing my
in-laws.
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Ohhh geeez.
I'm tryin to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eighth thing at Christmas,
that's such a pain to me:
I want a transformer for Christmas.
Charities, and what do you mean YOUR in-laws?!
Five months of bills.
Ughh, makin' up these cards.
oh, Edith get me a beer huh?
What we have no extension cords?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The ninth thing at Christmas
that's such a pain to me:
Finding parking spaces,
Daddy, I want some candy!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Writing out those Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Now why the hell are they blinking?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The tenth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Batteries not included.
No parking spaces.
Buy me something!
Get a job you bum!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Yo-ho sending Christmas cards.
Oh-geez look at this.
One light goes out, they all go out!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eleventh thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to
me:
Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking spaces
Mom, I gotta go bathroom!
Charities!
She's a witch, I hate her.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I don't even know half these people!
Oh, who has the toilet paper, huh?
Turn on a flashlight, I blew a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The twelfth thing at Christmas
that's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols.
Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking!
*Crying*
Charities.
Gotta make 'em dinner.
Five months of
bills.
I'm not sending 'em this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
Fine, you're so smart! You rig up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.

Golfing On Christmas Day

GOLFING ON CHRISTMAS DAY
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton,too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave
her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said "Take a sweater."

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Merry Christmas!!!You think you got it bad
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747.
Mrs. Clause pissed off, I got in to late.
And that isn't all
Donner and Blitzen And Roudolf got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleighs unless I pay them double time.
I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit The only high ball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.
My
prostate is giving me hell, pissed myself pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat.
Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over. I think my hemorrhoids are back.
Merry Christmas, Your Ass!

Weeweechu

WEEWEECHU
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on a bench by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me.
'Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang .....
'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Jear.'

Christmas E-Mail

CHRISTMAS E-MAIL
I have a list of people I know, all logged in my computer, And now at Christmas time I have gone to take a look. And that is when I realize that these names are a part, Not of the computer they're stored in, but of my heart.
For each name stands for someone who has crossed my path sometime, And in that meeting they've become the rhythm in each rhyme. And while it sounds fantastic for me to make this claim, I feel that I'm composed of each remembered name.
And while you may not be aware of any special link, Just meeting you has changed my life, a lot more than you think! For when I do a Christmas E-mail that is addressed to you, It's because you're on the list of people I'm indebted to.
And
whether I have known you for many years or few, In some way you have been a part of shaping things I do. And now that Christmas has come, I realize anew, The best gift life can offer is meeting people like you.

Night Before Sexmas

NIGHT BEFORE SEXMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard
such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first
thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

Bethelem Story

BETHLEHEM STORY
This news story just in from Bethlehem ....
INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn.
Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph,
aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by the police.
Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.
The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also
investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is.
Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.
Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors.
Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regiment we can get her back on her feet."
A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this
matter to the end."

Merry Christmas In 78 Languages

MERRY CHRISTMAS IN 78 LANGUAGES
1. Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
2. Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
3. Albanian - Gezuar Krishtlindje
4. American - Merry Christmas
5. Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA
6. Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
7. Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
8. Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
9. Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
10. Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
11. Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
12. Bulgarian -
Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
13. Celtic Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
14. Chinese - (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
15. Chinese - (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
16. (Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
17. Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
18. Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
19. Croatian - Sretan Bozic
20. Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
21. Danish - Gladelig Jul
22. Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
23. English - Merry Christmas
24. Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
25. Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
26.
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
27. Finnish - Hyvaa Joulua
28. French - Joyeux Noel
29. Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
30. German - Froehliche Weihnachten
31. Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
32. Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
33. Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
34. Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
35. Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
36. Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
37. Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
38. Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
39. Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
40. Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
41. Japanese - Shinnen
omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
42. Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
43. Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
44. Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
45. Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
46. Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
47. Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
48. Maori - Meri Kirihimete
49. Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
50. Navajo - Merry Keshmish
51. Northern Sotho Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa.
52. Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
53. Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
54. Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
55. Portuguese - Feliz
Natal
56. Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
57. Romanian - Craciun Fericit
58. Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
59. Serbian - Hristos se rodi
60. Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
61. Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
62. Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
63. Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
64. Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
65. Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
66. Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
67. Spanish - Feliz Navidad!
68. Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
69.
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
70. Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
71. Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
72. Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
73. Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
74. Urdu - Yasooh Masih Ki Waladat Mubarak Ho
75. Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
76. Waray Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
77. Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
78. Zulu: Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni

Gift Wrapping Tips For Men

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many
women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking
crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Santa Letter

SANTA LETTER
*Nominee for the shortest Santa letter of the year*.
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother"..

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Xmas

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT XMAS
1. Did you get any under the tree?
2. I think your balls are hanging too low.
3. Check out Rudolph's honker!
4. Santa's sack is really bulging.
5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
9. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall..

Top 10 Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like

TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained
fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give
all my gifts to charity.
And the No. 1 Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this."..

Twas The Night Before Katrina

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE KATRINA'
'Twas de night before Katrina, when all tru da state
Not a gas pump was pumpin', Not a store open late
All da plywood was hung, on de windows wit care,
Knowing dat a hurricane, Soon would be dere.
Da chilren were ready wit deir flashlight in hand
While rain bands from da hurricane covered over our lan
And Mom wit her Mag-lite, and me wit my cap
Has jus filled da battub for flushing our crap..
When out on de lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprang from da closet to see what was de matter
The trees on da
terrace, and de neighbor's roof torn,
We feared we'd be dyin' in dis terrible storm.
Wit a little wind gus, so lively and quick,
I membered quite clearly our walls was not brick
More rapid than Eagles, her courses they changed!
And she whistled and wafted and surged all the same.
Off shingles! Off sidings! Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences! Down trailers! Down towers!
On da street of New Orleans, she continued to maul,
Screaming Blow away! Blow away! Blow away all!
As da wind ripped and tossed da debris tru de sky,
I peeked out the shutters at the cars floatin' by.
So go to the attic my family did do,
With a portable radio and some
batteries too.
And den in a twinkling, I heard on da set,
The end was not coming for a few hours yet!
As I calmed down da kids and was turning around
Tru de window it came with a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was all covered in soot
De wind blew it smack-dab on top of my foot!
A bundle of twigs now lay in a stack
And my Livin' Room looked like it was under attack.
De wind how it howled, de storm very scary,
Myself and my family were all too unwary.
Da dangers of hurricanes are serious ya know,
Dey are taken for granted as Betsy did show.
Wit da winds dying down and da danger beneath,
I noticed my tool shed
was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp, and nailed it on down,
Den I got in my car and drove into town.
Da traffic was awful and stores had no ice,
My 5-gallon cooler would have to suffice
Generators was scarce, not one left in town,
Dere was trees on the roads and power lines down.
FEMA was ready wit people to work,
Electrical companies came in from New York.
I sprang to da car, and gave my family a whistle,
Den away we all went like a Tomahawk missile!
You could hear us exclaim as we drove out of sight,
"The heck wit dis place, Texas seem just right!"

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Letter From Santa

LETTER FROM SANTA
Dear Friends,
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing,
The 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking,
The 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this!
Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation movement and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone!
Love, Santa.

Helpful Holiday Diet Tips

HELPFUL HOLIDAY DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out
3. If you eat standing up, it doesn't count!
4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards
5. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count
6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage
7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream
8. When
eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount
9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes: Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

Top 10 Reasons Why Hurricanes Are Like Christmas

TOP 10 REASONS WHY HURRICANES ARE LIKE CHRISTMAS
10. Decorating the house [boarding up windows]
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season [camping gear, flashlights,
portable radio]
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ...and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And the number one
reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house.

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA DOESN'T LIKE YOUR KID
1. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
2. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
3. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
5. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed
6. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
7. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you"
9. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
10. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Dilbert Quotes Contest

DILBERT QUOTES CONTEST
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts who inhabit our world ...
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Been Drinking

BEEN DRINKING
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Impolite Things To Say At A Wake

IMPOLITE THINGS TO SAY AT A WAKE
* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?
* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?
* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.
* How long you think until he starts to stink?
* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he didn't bang?
* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.
* It's weird not seeing him drunk.
* I always thought he was gay.
* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?
* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?
* I was there when
he died. Man, what a baby.

What Happens When Teachers Die

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TEACHERS DIE
A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there she meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first." So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.
The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"
"These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.
Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.
"Wow, who lives here?"
"These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on
Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."
Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These are the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows - - - the works!
"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"
"Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on Earth and received very little money, so they get the best houses in all of Heaven."
"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.
Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at a faculty meeting."

$20.00

$20.00
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men
just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Poor Preacher

POOR PREACHER
The minister's car wouldn't start. When the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."
"Yep," replied the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach."

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Drinking Coffee

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM DRINKING COFFEE
* I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!
* Better latte than never.
* A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.
* We all have to do the daily grind.
* Espresso yourself.
* Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.
* Stand your grounds.
* If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.
* I love the caffeine; it's the rich taste I could do without.
* Don't stop till you're shaking.
* Impatience is a virtue.
* Take two cups and call me in the
middle of the night.
* Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?
* There's no rest for the caffeinated.
* Decaf is for sissies.
* Man cannot live by coffee alone - donuts are pretty essential too.
* There is no such thing as a free refill.
* It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.

Walking The Dog

WALKING THE DOG
There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening. It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.
So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead. To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door. A female voice called out, "I won't be a minute, darling."
Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him -- obviously as usual.

How Temperature Affects The Mind

HOW TEMPERATURE AFFECTS THE MIND
* 40 degrees -
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
* 35 degrees -
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
* 20 degrees -
Floridians wear coats, gloves and a wooly hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt
* 15 degrees -
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
* 0 degrees -
New York landlords turn the heat
on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.
* -10 degrees -
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
* -20 degrees -
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
* -80 degrees -
Polar bears begin to evacuate the arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercises until it gets cold enough.
* -100 degrees -
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
* -173 degrees -
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
* -297 degrees -
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
* -460 degrees -
All atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy... eh ?"
* -500 degrees -
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the world cup.

Hot Tub Etiquette For Women

HOT TUB ETIQUETTE FOR WOMEN
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes Baby!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy... washing your panty hose is NOT!
3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like, "I've seen bigger wangs on a hamster!"
4. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing.... it's NOT okay to pass gas.
5. Don't think your fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.

Ill Men

ILL MEN
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell
off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Hot Tub Etiquette For Men

HOT TUB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN
1. It's alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don't float to the surface yelling "Up Periscope"!
2. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing.... it is NOT okay to pass gas.
3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well- endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don't point and exclaim in a loud voice "Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!"
4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot tubing. DON'T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming "Beaver Attack!"
5. A little underwater groping is OK... Groping yourself is not!

Attitude

ATTITUDE
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "Hmmm" she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she
woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.
Have a Good Day and always look for the positive in situations

Grave

GRAVE
The grief-stricken man threw himself at the grave and cried bitterly, "My wife, oh how senseless is it! How worthless this carcass about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different."
A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

Support Family

SUPPORT FAMILY
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are twelve of us..."

Secretary

SECRETARY
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married.
As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?"
She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."

Travelling To Alaska

TRAVELLING TO ALASKA
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska--a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking.
He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."

BBQ

BBQ
After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in
hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine:
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she
enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

The First Day Of School 30 Years Ago And Today

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL 30 YEARS AGO AND TODAY
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
----> THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law wife.

Policeman Testifies In Court

POLICEMAN TESTIFIES IN COURT
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was
called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.