My Papa Says

MY PAPA SAYS
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says: "Your honour, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. It'sa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says,
Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up."

Another Beginner

ANOTHER BEGINNER
Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.
"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."
"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner."

Little Johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up
to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Third Degree

THIRD DEGREE
Officer: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?"
Sergeant: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could."
Officer: "And did you get a confession?"
Sergeant: "Not exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."

Nurse

NURSE
The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"
The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."

Hunting Couple

HUNTING COUPLE
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.
That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind.
Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

Some Facts About Sex

SOME FACTS ABOUT SEX
* We thought it would be interesting to have some sexual trivia, real 'sex laws' and some sexual history available to readers. Some people have collected this trivia for years and we are sure we can fill a lot of pages with this interesting, useless information. (Some of it is not so useless).
* Everyday, 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is about over 2000 couples at any given moment.
* Women are most likely to want to have sex when they are ovulating.
* The Egyptian 'Ankh' is actually a symbol representing the male and female sex organs.
* It was during the Victorian era that the
formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt.
* 30% of women over the age of 80 still have sexual intercourse either with their spouse or boyfriends.
* Mosquitoes, which mate in the air perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor's degree.
* Fellatio ranks as the number one sexual act desired by heterosexual men.
* Australian women have sex on the first date more than women the same age in the USA and Canada.
* It's illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada.
* Today, Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women.
*
More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month (must be all those weddings and prom nights).
* A man's penis not only shrinks during cold weather but also from nonsexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown, etc.
* Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits".
* In the original Grimm fairly tale of 'Sleeping Beauty', the Prince rapes her while she sleeps and then leaves before she wakes up. (Good thing that was rewritten!)
* The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means to exercise naked, which often was done in ancient Greece.
* White women and those women with a college degree, when asked said they were more receptive to anal sex than women without college educations.
*
The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle.
* The original representation of Cupid by the Greeks was that of a beautiful young boy whose naked form was considered to be the embodiment of sexual love.
* The first condoms in the US were made from vulcanized rubber in the 1870s. They were expensive and annoyingly thick and meant to be reused.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy both the giving and receiving of oral sex than high school dropouts. (Amazing what one learns in college).
* About 1% of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation.
* 14% of males said that they did not enjoy sex the first time.
* 60% of women
say they did not enjoy sex their first time.

Garden Of Eden

GARDEN OF EDEN
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Impress Date

IMPRESS DATE
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

Reads To Me

READS TO ME
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."

Warning Labels

WARNING LABELS
Frivolous lawsuits are great for devious lawyers and warning-label writers. The Wacky Warning Label Contest, conducted by the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, celebrates both parties. This years winners
4th Place:
A five-inch fishing lure with three steal hooks cautions users that it is "harmful if swallowed."
3rd Place:
A warning label found on a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact disc reminds purchasers: "Do not use as a ladder."
2nd Place:
The label on one snow sled is very adamant: "Beware sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."
And the Grand Prize winner:
Warning label found on a bottle of drain cleaner:
"If you do not understand or cannot read all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

Stress Relievers

STRESS RELIEVERS!!!!!!!!
STRESS RELIEVER #1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?
STRESS RELIEVER #2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
STRESS RELIEVER #3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
STRESS RELIEVER #4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied Sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
STRESS RELIEVER #5
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
STRESS RELIEVER #6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My Father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
STRESS RELIEVER #7
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
STRESS RELIEVER #8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
STRESS RELIEVER #9
A wife asked her husband: What do you
like most in me - my pretty face or my beautiful figure?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.

Horny Old Geezer

HORNY OLD GEEZER
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crab, so she gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"
The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

Young Scotsman

YOUNG SCOTSMAN
A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom."
Young Jock searched the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every place was closed.
Walking around, he eventually met Old Angus, a very good friend of his father. Young Jock explained his problem.
Old Angus said, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock took off and the night was beyond his wildest expectations.
A week later, he met Old Angus in the street and told him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."
"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.
Young Jock looked at him and replied, "I threw it away."
Old Angus, with a scowl on his face, said, "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie--that condom belonged to the club."

The Hole

THE HOLE
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it.
Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently...
They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two
men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been
moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."

The Escape

THE ESCAPE
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, theyfound three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in
it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all.
So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

Johnny Walker

JOHNNY WALKER
One girl was telling a friend over lunch that she had given all her beaus pet names that also served as a secret reminder of their sexual talents. As luck would have it, one passed by, and she called out, "Hey, Johnny Walker. How's it going baby?"
Her friend said, "Say. I happen to know that fellow, and his name is not Johnny Walker at all. Johnny Walker is a liquor."
"Damn!!! You've broken my code that quickly." said the girl.

World Peace

WORLD PEACE
Three guys -- an Indian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Indian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in India."
Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in India was forever made fertile for farming.
American engineer was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around America, Israel and Britain, with all believers of Christs and Moses inside, Muslims and other infidels forever outside our precious
state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
Osama bin Laden asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more abou this wall".
The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries........ it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"
Osama bin Laden smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Pooooof!
WORLD PEACE

Yack Yohnson

YACK YOHNSON
One day the president of the company came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firms cash. The boss asked, " Where did you get your financial training, young man?"
"Yale," the young man answered proudly.
Ah, a fellow Ivy Leaguer! What is your name?"
"Yack Yackson."

Not Empty

NOT EMPTY
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

Hormone Hostage

HORMONE HOSTAGE
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all you have to do is open your mouth and your life is forfeit. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You
know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

You Know You're A Redneck When..

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN . .
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
*
You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is

All Men / All Girls

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

Say A Prayer

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook"

Beware Of Trash

BEWARE OF TRASH
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Time To Pray

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

The Blessing

THE BLESSING
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Being Thankful

BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

The Preacher

THE PREACHER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

Untimely Answered Prayer

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"

As You Slide Down The Bannister Of Life

AS YOU SLIDE DOWN THE BANNISTER OF LIFE...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were
inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Express Prayer

EXPRESS PRAYER
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.
With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bycycle

HOW IS SEX LIKE RIDING A BYCYCLE
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.

Divorce

DIVORCE
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt and this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you,
Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd
never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing
you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during is painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us
to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.
And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think
of you?
It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the @#%$kng remote
is?
Love
Big Mike Spike!!!

Disorder In The Court

DISORDER IN THE COURT
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok s.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

Mother's Milk

MOTHER'S MILK
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test rang, he wrote..................................
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A"

The Ten Commandments In Cajun

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN CAJUN...
1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by the church house.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

Buffet

BUFFET
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

After Making Love

AFTER MAKING LOVE
The Italian says,"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies,"zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

Lesbian

LESBIAN
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon
threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

Marinate

MARINATE
One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Sexually Harassed

SEXUALLY HARASSED
A woman walks into her bosses' office with this complaint:
"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for discrimination."

Dictaphone

DICTAPHONE
The secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Sir, may I use your dictaphone?"
Her boss says, "No. You use your finger just like everybody else."

Birth Control Pills

BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.
"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."
"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."

Hooker

HOOKER
The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed.
The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker, entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"
"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"

Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN
After many years of not seeing each other, two old friends met for a drink. John had attended college and was very successful. Sam had not attended college and never had much ambition or much of a work ethic. John asked his friend, "How has everything been going for you?"
Sam replied, "Well, one day I opened my Bible at random, closed my eyes, and put my finger on a word. That word was 'oil', so I invested in oil and made a fortune. One day I decided to try that again, so I put my finger on a word and it was 'gold.' I invested in gold and the mines really produced. Now I'm as rich as Rockefeller!"
John was so excited by his friend's story that he rushed back to his hotel, grabbed the Gideon Bible out of the bedside table,
and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to find his finger resting on these words: "Chapter Eleven."

One Wish

ONE WISH
Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I cannot", lamented the first Arab; "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No
shit."

Counterfeiter

COUNTERFEITER
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.
He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"
The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

At The Ocean

AT THE OCEAN
A first grade teacher decided to take her class on a field trip to the ocean, since even though they lived in Maryland, they were in the western-most part of the state, and many of the children had never seen the ocean.
After arriving and herding her charges onto the boardwalk, the kids all pretty much stood in silent awe at the scene. The teacher noted with dismay though that there was a lot of debris washing up onto the beach and even some large pieces of driftwood crashing in the surf.
Finally after a long period of silence, one little girl spoke up, "Mrs. Harris, don't they ever flush it ?"

Watch

WATCH
An old man and a young man are travelling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"
The old man does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old man keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Counter-Fitting

COUNTER-FITTING
Don was sent to prison. He got along well with his fellow inmates, and with the guards, and even the warden liked him.
Deciding that Don deserved to learn a trade, the warden arranged for him to become a carpenter.
After several years, Don was earning recognition as one of the best carpenters in the area and would often be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs, always reporting back to the prison by the end of the day on Sundays.
One day, the warden called Don into his office and asked if he would build a set of kitchen cupboards and fit the revamped kitchen for a new countertop, which he had promised his wife.
"Gee, I sure would like to, warden," Don
told him, "but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

Emblem

EMBLEM
The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from the Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Smart Pizza Boy

SMART PIZZA BOY
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house.
Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."

Italian Immigrant

ITALIAN IMMIGRANT
The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn't sure how to make his new wife pregnant. After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest.
Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn't work. "I've been sticking my nose in her armpit every night," he said, "and nothing's happened."

Neighbourhood Hazard

NEIGHBOURHOOD HAZARD
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street)
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of
experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a car that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close.
This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge"so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect, as I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front ofme. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not
going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely min the chest. Instantly he set upon me.
If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my
clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This
was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel, of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel
left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle--- my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big
cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail
again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine.
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get
my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.
The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the
neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80 mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death... I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
Milt, aka "Dad", aka "Papaw", aka "Whiskers", aka "Squint", aka "Leprecaun"
Never is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.

Boobs

BOOBS
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"
The
mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

Give Up Sex

GIVE UP SEX
"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I'm playing around with his wife."

Five Young Bulls

FIVE YOUNG BULLS
Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street.
The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer.

Tong

TONG
Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.
As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.
Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland,"
Lena said, impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.
"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the loo, of course."

Understanding The Real World / Government

UNDERSTANDING THE REAL WORLD / GOVERNMENT
---> DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
---> REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
---> SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
---> COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
---> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
---> DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
---> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you forthe milk, and then pours the milk down the
drain.
---> AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock's price goes up.
---> FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
---> JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
---> GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles
an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
---> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.
---> TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
---> IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
---> FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
---> CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks and comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow, but its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA
pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children."
The legislature passes a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations and the cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
---> PAKISTANI CORPORATION
You have two cows
America claims one as terrorist and Pervez Musharraf abducts it and send it to US.
Second one is suspected as a collaborator and is rotting in a
Pakistani prison being actively questioned by ISI, CIA, FBI etc

Accidents

ACCIDENTS
A cowboy went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?"
"Nope," replied the cowboy, "but last summer, a bronco kicked in two of my ribs... and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."
"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.
"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"

Fuzz

FUZZ
Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.
He embraces her with one arm,and begins to explore with the other hand.Looking over her shoulder,he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell!"he murmured,"Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect?" Phoebe sez,"A perm?"

First-Time Father

FIRST-TIME FATHER
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.
"So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

Cowboy Chips

COWBOY CHIPS
A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a
beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic."...

Fireman

FIREMAN
A guy meets a childhood pal: "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
I'm a fireman.
Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.
Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so you kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again: "Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No, but I have two daughters who are exotic dancers."

Doing Your Duty

DOING YOUR DUTY
OATHS OF ENLISTMENT
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines
frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to
sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn ....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....
OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX
_________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

Sleeping Butt

SLEEPING BUTT
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"

Sex On First Date

SEX ON FIRST DATE
Madge : I do believe in sex on the first date.
Ethel : That's pretty modern thinking for an 80 year old woman.
Madge : Well, you can never be sure of a 2nd date with an 80 year old man !

22 Lines To Make You Smile

22 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE....
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. Procrastinate Now!
18.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21.. The trouble with life is there's no
background music.
22.. The original point and click tool was a Smith and Wesson

Lawyers

LAWYERS!
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "Do you realize what time it is ? Where have you been?" , and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang.
The wife
answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his Stay of Execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"

New Element Discovered - Governmentium

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED: Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction
to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Mor___." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

Happiness

HAPPINESS
President Musharraf, First Lady Sehba and Shaukat Aziz were flying in a Pakistan Air Force special flight.
Musharraf looked at Sehba, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a Rs 1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Sehba shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten 100 Rupees notes out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Shaukat Aziz added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred 10 Rupees notes out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such
big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 160 million people very happy."

Ponder

PONDER
* All you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid
* To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
* "Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression.
* Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half.
* A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
* Every cigarette you smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes, sex increases life by 10 minutes. So the basic theme of the equation is a fucking smoker never dies.
* Give a person a fish and you feed them
for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* It's best to keep computer nerds away from gun enthusiasts. Sooner or later they will figure out what they have in common: 'point and click.'"
* Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"
* People are strange: they want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.
* Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
* Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet.
* If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would ave scheduled it later in the day.
* The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
*
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
* Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
* "I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"
* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."
* Women have many faults; Men only have 2. Everything they say, and everything they do.
* My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when.
* Good-looking lawyers earn 14% more than unattractive lawyers. That makes sense. If you know you're going to get screwed, wouldn't you prefer a good-looking
person?
* A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
* Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
* Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
* Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
* Blind dates are like chocolate - they are usually chunky and they quickly disappear.
* Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky
dunk."
* Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.
* If you masturbate with both hands, is that considered a ménage a trois?
* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends on the kind of chick he marries.
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.
* He was a confirmed atheist before he got married, simply could not be made to believe in h*ll. But now that he's married, he knows that he was wrong.
* The difference between a divorce and a circumcision is... in a divorce you get rid of the whole schmuck.
* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit-head's.
* A true friend
stabs you in the front.
* Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
* Excuses are like asses . . . everyone's got em and they all stink.
* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!
* A good thing to exercise when you’re putting on weight is restraint.
* Just when you start winning the rat race, you run into faster rats!
* Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker’s wurst nightmare.
* A pessimist has the feeling he isn't going anywhere and he's already arrived!
* Arrogance is the humility of the uncertain!
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* He arrived late at the
party to find he was beaten to the punch.
* It's always good when the TV weatherman is pessimistic about the weather. People feel so good when he's wrong!
* Life may not be all you want, but it's all you have.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.
* If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back!
* A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!
* A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!
* They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the grocery store!
* Birds of a feather flock
together and crap on your car.
* One Important Trip In Life Is Meeting Someone Halfway
* Nostalgia: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
* All The Fruit In The World Won't Satisfy A Craving For Chocolate
* Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Paramedics

PARAMEDICS
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval.
"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!".

Something To Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
---> What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
---> What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
---> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
---> Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
---> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
---> Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
---> What do you call
a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
---> What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
---> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
---> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
---> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
---> Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
---> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
---> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you
---> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
---> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
---> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
---> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
---> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
---> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
---> Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
---> Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
---> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
---> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
---> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
---> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
---> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're
hiring.
---> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
---> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
---> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...".
---> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Vagina

VAGINA
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem ?"
"Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time.
He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of
the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks... "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"

Insurance Joke

INSURANCE JOKE
Insurance man - sleeps with own wife, That's "Home Insurance"
Insurance man - sleeps with girl friend, That's "Mutual Benefit
Insurance man - sleeps with chorus girl, That's "New York Life"
Insurance man - sleeps with secretary, That's "employees Mutual Benefit"
Insurance man - sleeps with hotel maid, That's "travelers aid"
Insurance man - sleep with woman next door, That's "Royal Neighbors"
Insurance man - sleeps with old maid, That's "Prudential"
Insurance man - sleeps with grandma, That's "Old Age Assistance"
Insurance man - sleeps with nobody, That's "John
Hancock"
Insurance man - sleeps with anybody, That's "Metropolitan"
Insurance man - sleep with boyfriend, That's "Odd Fellow"
Insurance man - sleeps with Charlie McCarthy, That's "Lumbermans Mutual"
In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this, That's "Industrial Accident"

Tanjewberrymuds

TENJEWBERRYMUDS
This sounds like we could be in a hotel in Toronto. Doesn't anyone speak "English" anymore? G. To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."

Q & A

Q & A
Q: How is a blowjob like a lobster?
A: They're both very nice: but you don't get either at home.
Q: What do you call a gay guy in the deep South?
A: Ho-mo-sex-y'all
Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another
beer."
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q: What
do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A: Bacon and legs!
Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?
A: A blonde trying to burn it down
Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q: Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: Sits around a candle
Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: Lights the candle
Q: What is a girl friend?
A: Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A:
From the snoring.
Q: What does the postcard from a blonde on holiday say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
A: He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
Q: Why do Blondes drive BMW's?
A: Because they can spell them.
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their photo
Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left
arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste!
Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q: What's a hindu?
A: Lays eggs.
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q: Why is marriage like the Army?
A: Everyone complains about it, but a surprising number re-enlist.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A:
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q: What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
A: BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW PICKUP TRUCK!
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A: Clever Dick
Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A: Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild
front ear.
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A: He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q: Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A: He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q: Why did the leper crash his car?
A: He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q:
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why don't they allow a man to marry 2 women in the US?
A: No man deserves that kind of punishment!
Q: What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive!
Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.
Q: What is a Dairy Queen
A: A gay
milkman.
Q: What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?
A: Wives want to videotape the birth of their child.
Husbands want to videotape the conception.
Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
A: Wake her up first!
Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test?
A: Because every time the car stops, she jumps in the backseat!
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?
A: Shoot him again!
Q: What part of your body is the noisiest?
A: Your ear drum!
Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour
Q: What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe
sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A: George Michael's latest release.
Q: Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
A: Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any."
Q: Did you hear about the gay midget?
A: He just came out of the cupboard!
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
Q: Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A: The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q: How many men does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw 'em!
Q:
What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A: Hugh Grant.
Q: What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A: The pool table in the oval office.
Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q: 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A: 80% said not again.
Q: When do you know a man is desperate?
A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A: He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"
Q: What are the three types
of women?
A: The gorgeous, the caring and the majority.
Q: What’s the difference between Bill and Monica.
A: One can’t come clean and the other one can't clean cum.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A: He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q: Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A: She didn't keep her mouth shut!
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q: Why does Hillary always get on top?
A: Bill can only screw up.
Q: Did you see Dolly Parton’s new shoes?
A: Neither did she.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real
bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A: She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!
Q: How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
A: The President after Bush
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?
A: Some people still believe in Santa Claus.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A: Hillary doesn't get caught.
Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q:
What is the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid?
A: "No, she isn't!"
Q: Do you know why people keep going to see Lord of The Rings over and over???
A: Because it's Hobbit forming.
Q: What is worse than being a bachelor?
A: Being a Bachelor's son
Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop
Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A:
Your last blow job ... ever!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What is common between a wife and a swimming pool?
A: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!
Q: There are two drummers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she
could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Yell at her.
Q: What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A:
Toys for Twats