Time

TIME
They say time is precious,
That time is of the essence,
But what is this illusion?
What is time?
It goes by, they say,
But I don't see anything.
They even say,How time flies,
Does it have wings?
Never have I seen it,
Never have I understood it's physical being.
But I do know some things,
I know the time that I'm away from you.
Time is precious.
It is of the essence.
But no time is worth my time,
Unless that time is spent with
you.
How time weighs heavily on my heart.
Oh, how time does eat away at me.
Time is not physical, but rather spiritual,
For no time is more spiritual then when you're with me.

Anghuthi Bacha Lee

ANGHUTHI BACHA LEE
Aik sardar ji ke ghar main chori ho jaati hai
Sardar ro raha hota hai ... lut gaye barbad ho gaye tabhi Sardarni sardar se: Sardar ji dekho maine ek cheez bacha lee hai
Sardar ji : Kya
Sardarni : Ye sonay ki
anghuthi
Sardar ji : Kaise
Sardarni : Iss anghuthi ko maine apni choot main daal liya tha
Sardar ji : Tu mannu bhi bata deti main aapni motorcycle bhi teri choot main daal deta

Philosophy Of Life

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

Cooooool Quotes

COOOOOOL QUOTES!!!!
I say no to drugs, they just don't listen.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people
wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week.

Love

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Naam Tera Kaam Mera

NAAM TERA KAAM MERA
You hero,
Your girlfriend heroin,
I villain
1st scene , I kidnap & rape her.
But you real hero,
You marry her & become father .....
Film name- "NAAM TERA KAAM MERA"..

Twas The Night Before Christmas - Woman's View

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMAN'S VIEW ~
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two
pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret.....
Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell.
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Honest

HONEST
An American, a Mexican, an Italian and an Indian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos, Liras and Rupees.
When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in four even shares. He counted each portion aloud:
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you, 1000 rupees for you ..."
The Indian said to
the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest.....

Stress

STRESS
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"

Go To School

GO TO SCHOOL
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Puns

PUNS
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
----------------------------
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family
were avid bowlers.
However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
----------------------------
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; I'll fit you in... You'll just have to be a little patient."
----------------------------
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
----------------------------
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.
The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
----------------------------
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
----------------------------
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
----------------------------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
----------------------------
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
----------------------------
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
----------------------------
By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest.
He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose.
As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but ........ unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Difficult Subject

DIFFICULT SUBJECT
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must.
"Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God forbid... you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like.... how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"

Aspirin Cure

ASPIRIN CURE
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped
winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

Mercedes Benz or Lexus

MERCEDES BENZ
I bought a new Mercedes Benz returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Watch this!', he said, 'Nelson'!
The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!', he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Rushdi!', and in an instant 'Ko Ko Korina' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'classical sangeet,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Noor Jehan,' I'd get one of her awesome songs.
Yesterday, a ladies couple jumped a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, Cunts!'
Immediately the Indian National Anthem began to play, sung by Madame Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh, backed up by Pranab Mukerjee and the Indian National Congress Party, with L K Advani and Bal Thakeray on sitar and guitar,
Damn, I LOVE this car!
Another variant
LEXUS
I bought a new Lexus 455lxs but returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Watch this!', he said, 'Nelson'! The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!', he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Kishore!', and in an instant 'yeh shaam mastani' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'shastri sangeet,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Lata,' I'd get one of her awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple jumped a red light and nearly crammed my new car, but I swered in time to avoid them. I yelled, Ass Holes!'
Immediately the Pakistani National Anthem began to play, sung by Asif Zardari and Mian Nawaz Sharif, backed up by Musharaff and the PPP Party, with Imran Khan on guitar,
Damn, I LOVE this car!

Better

BETTER
Jimmy, a priest and a rabbi were talking one day and during the course of the conversation, Jimmy casually asks the rabbi, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Jimmy then asks the priest, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The rabbi then asks the priest, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Grocery Store

GROCERY STORE
Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home."

Fishing Trip

FISHING TRIP
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got
back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

Anybody Home

ANYBODY HOME
A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door..
"This is the outhouse!"

10 Things Overheard In Tax Preparer's Office

10 THINGS OVERHEARD IN TAX PREPARER'S OFFICE PRIOR TO TAX FILLING DEADLINE
1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot,repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at
the top of your 1040 form.
7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

HIgh Customer

HIGH CUSTOMER
Customer : My wife needs a bra but, I don't know the size.
Sales girl : Touch my breast and try to calculate.
Customer : Oh ! I forgot she needs panties too....

Fast Food Clerks

FAST FOOD CLERKS
We've always had trouble with fast food clerks always botching orders. Finally, one day I had had enough. Below is my interaction with the something gap-toothed female clerk.
Me, after returning a hamburger for the second time: "How hard is it to make a burger with cheese, lettuce and ketchup!!?"
Clerk: "I guess I don't have the right button for that on the register."
Me: "The cook is RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you can tell him what I want."
Clerk: "But I have to press the right button!"
Me: "You know, you've got the smoothest cortex I have ever seen!"
Clerk: "Why thank you! I use Oil of Olay every night."

Tremendous Fan

TREMENDOUS FAN
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Birthday

BIRTHDAY
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Glaswegian

GLASWEGIAN
Maggie lived in a tenement in Glasgow..... ... in the roughest part of town. She was pretty naive for a Glaswegian.
Maggie had been developing a bit of a stomach and putting on some weight. She thought, me pregnant?', but she didn't know anything about how to make sure. She thought, Big Agnes next door will know....she's got twelve kids'.
Maggie went down to Big Agnes's flat and told her the problem. Big Agnes thought for a minute or two and then told her (in slurred speech, coz she'd been on the Vodka all morning) to go down to the health-clinic and ask the doctor. He would be able to tell if she was pregnant or not.
Maggie made the appointment and attended next day. That very afternoon, Agnes heard a
terrible commotion at her door, loud hammering and screaming.
She picked up her baseball bat just in case it was the landlord man after the rent and answered.
It was Maggie, hair dishevelled, blouse ripped, torn knees on her tights, black-eye the works. "For God's sake come in" said Agnes," what the hell happened to you?"
"I went down to the doctors, like you told me. He sent me to the nurses room. It was that big fat bitch nurse from Possilpark, her with the warts and the husband that drinks meths. Well I told her that the doctor had sent me to check for pregnancy and she told me she needed a sample. I asked her, "what the fuck is a sample? Then she said "piss in a bottle."
Then I told her "well shit in your handbag if your going to be like that." And thats when the fighting started!

Ark

ARK
Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'.
"Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design".
"Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said.
"Ok... 5 or 6 floors"
"I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him.
"Erm... Fish!" Noah replied.
"Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"
"Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said.
"Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked.
And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?"
"Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'

Strange City

STRANGE CITY
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress.."
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."

Talking About Sex

TALKING ABOUT SEX
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says
"Well yeah. Of course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

Jesus And Moses

JESUS AND MOSES
Jesus and Moses get together for a little reunion. Moses says" I haven't parted a sea in a long time". So he raises his hands, and a sea parts. He looks at Jesus and says "Damn that was fun".
So Jesus looks at Moses and says " I haven't walk across water in a long time". Jesus starts to walk on water. He gets out about 10 feet and sinks, so he swims back in.
"What the hell went went wrong? I'm gonna try again."
This time he gets out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims back in.
"I still don't know what happened, I'm gonna try one more time."
He gets out about 30 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. He looks right at Moses and says " I
know why I can't do it. The last time I tried it I didn't have holes in my feet."

Newly Wed Couple

NEWLY WED COUPLE
A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at Yankee Stadium. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
After a couple of seconds of thought the young bride says, "I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."

New Sales Associate

NEW SALES ASSOCIATE
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair disheveled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick. "Rough day at the office" she commented.
"Not too bad," he said nonchalantly. "Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she'll work out."
"Does she take shorthand" asked his wife. "
No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."

Hillbillies

HILLBILLIES
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'.. .
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house...rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?
"Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the
cabin, and she tol' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here...quick as I could! "
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

Democrat

DEMOCRAT
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Groom's Family

GROOM'S FAMILY
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews withn yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Where Are You From

WHERE ARE YOU FROM
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. "Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world." Said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other, "you have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

I Need A Job

I NEED A JOB
I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate.
RESUME: GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
* I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been 'lost' and is not available.
MILITARY:
* I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam
.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
* I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
* I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
* I began my career in the oil business in Midland , Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas . The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
* With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas .
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS :
* I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure,
Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America .
* I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
* I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
* With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
* I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
* I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
* I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
*
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
* In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.
* I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My 'poorest millionaire, 'Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
* I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.
*
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
* I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
* More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed..
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
* I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.
* I created the Ministry
of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.
* I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
* I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war' detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
* I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
* I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
* I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
* After taking off the entire
month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
* I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
* I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.
* I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
*
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
* I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
* I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,' aWMD.
* I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
* All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President attended, regarding public energy
policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
* I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

Courtesy

COURTESY A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters. Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty
bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

Discussing Women

DISCUSSING WOMEN
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's breasts best," the first guy says.
The second says, "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

Blonde Dream

BLONDE DREAM
Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

Rakha Hai

RAKHA HAI
Jab se logo ne mujhe dil me banay rakha hai,
Laurra har shukhs ne honthon pe nazrain garraye rakha hai,
Bahot heiraan kar dete harami,
Jab kar dete zakhmi agay pichey,
Kya yunhi hum ne apni gand ko chupay rakha hai.................

Young Bride

YOUNG BRIDE
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Puzzlers

PUZZLERS
[1] IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?
[2] CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
[3] HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
[4] WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
[5] ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
[6] WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
[7] WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
[8] HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT
WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
[9] WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
[10] IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?
[11] WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
[12] WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?
[13] WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
[14] WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
[15] WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
[16] IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
[17] CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A
CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?
[18] IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
[19] WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
[20] IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
[21] IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
[22] IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
[23] DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
[24] WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
[25] WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
[26]
DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETSMAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?

Driving Recklessly

DRIVING RECKLESSLY
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Shalwaar

SHALWAAR
Boy:-Tumahari shalwaar phati hai.
Girl:- Fashion hai.
Boy:- Acha ji, khud phaaro tou "faishion" hum pharain tou "case".

Shadi

SHADI
Hui ab jab meri shadi,
Samaj gai ho gaye barbadi,
Suhag raat ko saiyan aiye,
Sath mein daru ka bottle laiye,
Bole janeman do pack banao,
Thora apna jalwa dikhao,
Maine unki baat mani,
Milai adha daru, adha pani,
Ek unko barrhaya,
Ek khud charrhaya..........
Pite pite honth liya chus,
Mein saiyan se ho gaye thorra rooth,
Magar andar se thi bahoot khush........
Chuste chuste hath barrhya,
Dhire se "chuchi" dabaya,
Mujhe 440Volt ka current lagaya,
Kya bataun kya maza aaya,
Daba daba kar josh barrhya,
Phir zor laga kar hosh ganwaya........
Lage ab mera blouse utarne,
Mein lagi thorra sharmane,
Boli pyare batti bhuja do,
Bole pahale nangi ho kar dikha do........
Blouse uttara,
Bra uttara,
Kiya "chuchi" nanga,
Wah beta dho le hath baheti mein ganga........
Chotte chotte chuchi pe kala nipple dekh,
Lage chusne,
Apna kapra phenk.
Ab wo the bilkul nange,
Lag rahen the ek dam "chan ge",
Dhekh ke unka lamba land,
Samaj gayee ab baj gaya
band.......
Chuchi chus kar kiya lal lal,
Khusi se mein thi behal,
Sonh rahi thi jaldi chode,
Meri "choot" ki pyas bujha de.......
Ab woh lage mera saya kholne,
Bole mujhse palang pe chadne,
Saya ke nicche panty tha,
Woh panty itna ehnti tha,
Angry ho kar woh panty pharra,
Usme tha mardangi dher sara.......
Zalim ne mujhe nanga kiya,
Paheli bar mere "choot" ka darshan kiya,
Choot tha mera jhant se bhara,
Mere upper ab woh charrha,
Pahele land ko choot se sataya,
Phir dhire se dhakka lagaya,
Dard se tha mera bura haal,
Khoon se bhar gaye choot ke bal,
Dhire dhire lund pura dala,
Pakka bahen chood tha sala.......
Khas ke usne chod liya,
Aaj usne mujhe barbad kiya.............................

Chandu

CHANDU
Chandu ke chacha ne,
Chandu ke chachi ko,
Chariya chowk pe,
Chandni raat mein,
Chandi ke chamche ke saath,
Chuchi chatie………………………

Dinner Party

DINNER PARTY
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable. "
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable! "

Christmas For Lawyers

CHRISTMAS FOR LAWYERS
It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

Exchange

EXCHANGE
A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in India, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "that's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"God damn it" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap fuck breakfast, too! "

Athlete

ATHLETE
There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship.
When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.
All was fine -- he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer."
"WHY?" asked Tim.
"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"

Danny

DANNY
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time. We'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm.
"It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

Batteries

BATTERIES
All my husband wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in the electronics store seemed interested in helping him.
"I've got an idea," I said, and pulled a tape measure out of my purse. I stepped over to one of the giant plasma-screen TVs and started to measure it.
Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. "May I help you?" he asked breathlessly.
"Yes," I said. "I'd like to buy these batteries."

Winter Blonde

WINTER BLONDE As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When
the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

Different Families

DIFFERENT FAMILIES
Indian - I have 4-Sisters & 3-Brothers. What about U?
American - I have No Sis or Bro, but I have 4-Moms From my 1st Dad & 5-Dads From my 1st Mom.

Unfaithful

UNFAITHFUL
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,
took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't
pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Filthy Pervert

FILTHY PERVERT
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

Pastor

PASTOR
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Doctors Opinions

DOCTORS OPINIONS Now, this sums it up very well. Doctors have their opinions about the pending bailout.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while
the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, and the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the
heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

Disease

DISEASE
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of
doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

A Lick And A Promise

A LICK AND A PROMISE 'I'll just give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture. 'What is that supposed to mean,' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue. 'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the
job right later. 'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases: 1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement) 2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive) This phrase is said to have
originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge) 3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one) 4. At sea (lost or not understanding something) 5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person) 6.
Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.) 7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person 8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose ) 9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it) 10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult) 11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk) 12. Calaboose (a jail) 13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle) 14. Dicker (To barter or trade) 15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from
years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy) 16. Hold your horses (Be patient!) 17. Hoosegow ( a jail) 18. I reckon (I suppose) 19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing) 20. Kit and
caboodle (The whole thing) 21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry) 22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson) 23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore) 24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish) 25. Pert-near (short for pretty near) 26. Pretty is a s pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks) 27. Red up (clean the house) 28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person) 29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain) 30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly) 31. Sparking (courting) 32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned) 33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value) 34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had) 35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie) 36. Tie the Knot (to get married) 37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things) 38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out) 39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness
thus you go below or under the weather) 40. Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up) 41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you) Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just a lick and a promise.

Compulsive Gambler

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER
There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he
promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar
of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her
little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."
The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"

Drinks Of The New Year

DRINKS OF THE NEW YEAR ----> Absolute Zero.......................Absolute vodka over frozen nitrogen
----> Alexander the Grrreat..........Gin, creme de cacao and sweet cream Cornflakes
----> American in Paris................Kentucky bourbon and champagne
----> Black Sabbath......................Kahlua and Mogen David wine
----> Blind Faith.............................Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
----> Blood Clot.............................Vodka, tomato juice and Jell-O
----> Bloody Awful.........................Vodka and ketchup
----> Blue Moon............................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
----> Coleman Cooler..................White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs and sand
----> Fuzzy Naval Base................Peach schnapps, orange juice and ammonia
----> George Bush.......................George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
----> Gorbachev...........................Vodka with a splash of port wine
----> Honeydew the Dishes........Midori and Dawn
----> Marie Antoinette.................Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
----> Martinizer............................Gin, vermouth and carbon tetrachloride
----> Mary Poppins.....................Vodka, tomato juice and a spoonful of sugar
----> Mexican Hairless...............Tequila and Minoxidil
----> Oil of Ole.............................Mazola and Sangria
----> Peter, Paul, and Mary........Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine and tomato juice
----> Phillips' Screwdriver.........Vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia
----> Port in a Storm..................Red wine and rainwater
----> Quack Doctor....................Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
----> A Rum with a View............Bacardi and Visine
----> Rum-Pole of the Bailey.....Bacardi rum, Popov vodka and Bailey's Irish Cream
----> Sake-to-me.......................Rice wine, punch and nitrous oxide
----> Scotch Tapeworm............Dewar's and Mescal
----> Shipwreck.........................Cutty Sark on the rocks
----> Short Wave.......................Ripple in a shot glass,ginger, syrup and pomegranate
----> Sinead O'Connor.............Irish whiskey and Nair
----> Skid Roe...........................Muscatel and caviar
----> Sour Kraut........................Schnapps and lemon juice
----> Sundae Driver..................Vodka, orange juice and ice cream
----> Tequila Mockingbird.......Jose Cuervo and birdseed

Rates

RATES Boy to Barber : Jhant k baal katne k kitne loge ? Barber : 100 rs Girl : Aur mere kitne loge ? Barber : 150 rs Girl : Mairay 150 kion ? Barber : Larkon k paas handle hai aur aap k pakarne ki jaga nahin hai

Black Eye

BLACK EYE
Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really
still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

Funny SMS

FUNNY SMS ............ ....
1. Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are blessed with both!. FLATTERED?. Don't Be, it was sent to me, I just wanted you to read it.
2. Shah Jahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko Dekha, Har Meenar Ko Dekha, Har Kaleen Ko Dekha, Har Khirrki Se Dekha... Aur Bola... Maa Kasam, Bahut Kharcha Ho Gaya !!!
3. Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today?
1) Pray, so that u may live...
2) Take a bath-so that others may live too!
4. Can u pronounce good english:- read along woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof,woof, loof,
roof, poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.Test results: U r a good dog. Now stop barking.
5. If u hide, i'll seek 4 u. If u r lost, i'll search 4 u. If u'll leave, i'll wait 4 u. If days take u away 4m me, i'll fight 4 u. But, if u stop sending msgs, i'll kill you.
6. Beta bola "papa papa mujhe bandar dekhna hai". Papa bole, "Nahi bete, abhi nahi". "Papa kyon?" .......... "Beta abhi bandar SMS parrh raha hai"
7. I saw something in a shop window. It was stunning, cute, simply adorable. I was supposed 2 buy it 4 u, then I realised it was my reflection.
8. To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge, way of ______expression & many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.
9. Once an angel came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for "world
peace". That's impossible, he said. Then I asked him to give u brains. He said "Let me try world peace"
10. Falling in love is a sweet ambition, finding true love is a life time mission.. Take my word, follow the Indian tradition & marry ur dad's ugly decision.
11. From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings for you have never changed. For me, you've always been........ ... a headache !
12. 1 day you'll Be surprised to see ME beside YOU. YOU & ME laughing, YOU & ME crying, YOU & ME dreaming, YOU & ME holding on, YOU & ME... just YOU & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING YOU. I cannot hide this from you any more. I don't want to hurt you and I feel it's best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............ Potato Prices Have Gone Up !
13. Maine puchha chand se
"dekha hai kahin mere yaar sa hasin", chand ne kaha "saale itni upar se dikhta hai kya".
14. If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this, I'm still cute. If u fwd this, you are spreading that i'm cute & if u erase this, you are jealous of me coz i'm cute!
15. Zindagi mein tum bahut aage jaaoge, kyonki jahan bhi tum jaooge,sab kahenge, chal be chal aage chal.
16. I mixed RUM in water and got drunk. I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk. I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again. Now I have decided never to drink water again !!!
17. Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me light. You gave me strength to make life bright. Thank you so much PHILIPS TUBELIGHT

Blonde

BLONDE
Blonde Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married, her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later, Elly was back in the store, and Riley asked her how she like the coffee maker.
"Wonderful! she replied. "However, there IS one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Christmas Banner

CHRISTMAS BANNER
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later...
"Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."

Every Time

EVERY TIME
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

Wish

WISH Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful young blonde woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines. The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!!"

Bank Robbers

BANK ROBBERS The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards. "Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

Farmer

FARMER
A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van . He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' ! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van . 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie,
'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

Mouse

MOUSE A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together. The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?" The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had." The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?" The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

Life Without A Girl Friend

LIFE WITHOUT A GIRL FRIEND Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing. 5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the
bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be "urself"
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....

Christmas Golf

CHRISTMAS GOLF Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that
special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater..."

What Is Sex

WHAT IS SEX A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally. One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?" Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs." Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!" In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on? "Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex. "Little Sally asks, "What is Sex? "Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

In Helsinki

IN HELSINKI A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs. The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Astrid, and before long the two were alone in his hotel room. The encounter turned physical and soon their lovemaking session was complete. After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Astrid -- but it
wasn't going well. He said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good." Astrid replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

Bath

BATH A five year old boy walked in on his mother taking a bath in the tub. The five year old looked over her naked body. He pointed to her Yet, and asked "What's that Mommy?" The mother, a bit embarrassed, told a white lie, and said, "That's where an axe hit me son."
Later the boy was playing with some
friends, and told them, "You know what? My Mom got hit by an axe right in HER PUSSY!"

Aik Larki

AIK LARKI Aik larki thi deewani si
.
.
.
Mobile lekar chalti thi
.
.
.
.
.
Nazrain jhuka ke
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sharma ke
.
.
.
.
.
.
Mobile mein jaane kya dekha karti thi!
.
.
.
.
.
Kuchh karna tha shaayad usko
.
.
.
.
.
Par jaane kis say darti thi
.
.
.
.
.
Jab bhi milti thi mujhse
.
.
.
.
.
Yehi poochha karti
thi
.
.
.
.
.
Yeh ON kaise hota hai,
Yeh ON kaise hota hai
.
Aur main sirf yehi kahta tha
Ye mobile nahin TV ka remote hai

Policy

POLICY A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room. "I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?" "Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy." "Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!" From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"

Hearing Aid

HEARING AID
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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Things To Do In An Elevator

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a
camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while
smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal
space!"

Fighting

FIGHTING
Fighting between lund & choot!
Choot: Rote huye aata hai lund,
Sote huye jata hai lund,
Karte karte gal jayga lund,
Who choot ko kya dega fund………….
Lund: Lund-e -dil,
Lund-e-jigar,
Lund-e-jaahan,
Lund se jo takraye ga,
Woh usse thook kar hi jaye ga…………………………

Massage

MASSAGE
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became
silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

Two Cowboys

TWO COWBOYS
There were once two cowboys, one from California and the other from Wyoming, riding the range when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.
Well, the temptation was too much for the Wyoming cowboy and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.
Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from California if he wanted some.
"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.

The Online Addiction Poem

THE ONLINE ADDICTION POEM
You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus, still draggin' your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and its something to read
The paper you say? No, don't think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you cant wait to "click"...
You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned
on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted ... All the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it, you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "You've got mail" waiting there!!
OH, what a feeling!! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that ... As you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is,
covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound ... Oh, you know what that means!!!
"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what your doing and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online !

Waitress

WAITRESS
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu. Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."

Saints

SAINTS
Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints",
But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

Be Quiet In Church

BE QUIET IN CHURCH
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."

On A T Shirt

ON A T SHIRT
An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt :
"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

Things To Say To A Man With A Huge Penis

THINGS TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A HUGE PENIS
"Am I dreaming?"
"Can I keep you?"
Get down on your knees, look heaven ward and say, "Thank you God"
And the most vital thing to say to a man with a huge penis, "I DO!"

Middle Aged Woman

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

Playing Soldiers

PLAYING SOLDIERS
One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''
Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said.
A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

Ghoom Phir Ke

GHOOM PHIR KE
Rooth kar jaaneman kidhar jaogi,
Ghoom phir ke mere hi paas aaogi,
Jab bajega dhol machega shor,
Sun kar jab teri gand phategi,
Jab yaad me mera lund bhaogi,
Ghoom phir ke mere hi pass aaogi……………..

Raaz

RAAZ
Samajh dunya ke raaz ko,
Cheel chod rahi hai baaz ko,
Noukar chod raha hai saab ko,
Beta chod raha hai baap ko,
Bach gaye hain agar aap to,
Hum choddenge aap ko..........

Public Toilet

PUBLIC TOILET
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin
said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Fucks!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Gharibi Ki Hadh

GHARIBI KI HADH
Gharibi ki hadh kya hai?
Jab 1 larki 2 rupay main chudwane ko tayar ho,
Aur aap ke pass sirf 1 aur 1 rupaya udhaar ho…….....

Lecture To Son

LECTURE TO SON
A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous.
"Jim," he said, "You're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think . . .if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?"
"I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The question is, where would YOU be?"

WWJD

WWJD
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof,
they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

Demand

DEMAND
Lalawa told his best friend Milka, "My wife is going strange, every time I kiss her she demands one rupee."
Milka said, "Yes you are lucky your wife charges me five rupees."

Healer

HEALER
Milka came out of Examination room of his Doctor and praised, "Your nurse there is really great healer. She touched me and I can hear now."
Doctor Said, "Yes, We all heard the sound of slap on your face."

Texas Sheriff

TEXAS SHERIFF
A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Hindu fundamentalists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Air Temperatures

AIR TEMPERATURES
60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream,
Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther
south.
15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your cat helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over.

Communication

COMMUNICATION
The Indian Lover, a virile middle aged Indian gentlemen named Guluh was relaxing at his favorite bar in Mumbai when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guluh reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guluh smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guluh reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guluh fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"

New Sholay

NEW SHOLAY... (SATYAM THEME)
Jay : Mausi, larka Satyam mein kaam karta hai..
Mausi : Hai ram..!!! Aur kahin try kar raha hai kya??
Jay : Kahan mausi, 2 saal Satyam me rahne ke baad koi Company leti kahan hai...
Mausi : Hi Raam to kya 2 saal se Satyam mein hi hai..
Jay : Haan socha tha 2 saal me salary hike hogi hi. Aajkal to salary bhi ziyada NAHI mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary BHI KAM milti HAI..?
Jay : Ab appraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi..
Mausi : Hai hai ...!! To kya appraisal bhi nahi hota uska..?
Jay : Senior se larhai karne ke baad appraisal mein achhi
rating to nahin milti hai na... Mausi..
Mausi : To kya seniors se larhta bhi hai..?
Jay : Ab 2 saal tak onsite Jane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya AB tak aik baar bhi onsite nahi gaya ..???
Jay : Ab Outdated technology ke developer ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..
Mausi : Kya kaha larka Outdated technology mein kaam karata hai..!!!
Mausi : Kaunse college se parhai ki hai..?
Jay : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar de denge!!
Jay : To main rishta pakka samjhu na mausi???
Mausi : Beta, kan khol kar sun Le...Sagi mausi hoon basanti ki, koi sauteli maa nahi....Bhale hi hamaari Basanti Call Center wale Chandu se shaadi kar Le par Satyam ke employee se katai nahin karegi.