Emotional Extremes

EMOTIONAL EXTREMES
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the UH student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas AM, "how about the opposite of woe?
"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Football Match Up Made In Heaven

FOOTBALL MATCH UP MADE IN HEAVEN
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing who would field the best team.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "but we've got all the officials!"

Texas

TEXAS
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he called out.
There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to
the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

Long Sermon

LONG SERMON
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

Email Address

EMAIL ADDRESS
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good
day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of
a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour!!!"
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire!

Cheats

CHEATS
Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.
"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

Ten Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS
Husband: Wouldn't it be fun to go the Holy Land and stand on Mount Sinai and shout out the Ten Commandments?
Wife: It would be better if you stayed home and kept them.

Employment Report

EMPLOYMENT REPORT
The latest employment report shows that the number of people hired last month was only half what economists expected. It's not that there aren't any new jobs out there, it's just that no one can afford to fill their gas tank and get to an interview.

Raising Prices

RAISING PRICES
Conversation overheard at the gas station between two blondes....
First blonde: "I expect they'll be raising the gas prices again soon."
Second blonde: "Won't affect me. I always put in just $20 worth."

Chocolate

CHOCOLATE
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!!

Old Spinsters

OLD SPINSTERS
There were two old-maid sisters... both virgins.
One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin. I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...
11 o'clock...
12 o'clock...
Finally about 12:45, the front door flies open and in runs Gladys... heading straight for the bathroom.
Betty growing concerned, knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"
No answer, so she opens the
door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 inches long when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"

Memorable Date

MEMORABLE DATE
We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays .
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of
another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... Or perhaps that should be "pants down."
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".

Saving Up

SAVING UP
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh
God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!"

Too Funny

TOO FUNNY!!!!
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde?
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde,
Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blonde!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Church Sermon

CHURCH SERMON
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

Delivering Newspapers

DELIVERING NEWSPAPERS
Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

Scotsman In Cuba

SCOTSMAN IN CUBA
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks ! the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Tees

TEES
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

Math Test

MATH TEST
The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.
But maybe I could have explained things better.
To the question "What portion of a foot is six inches?" one student answered, "The toes?"

The 7 Most Important Men In A Woman's Life

THE 7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
The Doctor:Because, he tells you to take off your clothes.
The Dentist:Because, he tells you to open wide.
The Milkman:Because, he asks you;do you want it in the front or the back?
The Hairdresser:Because, he asks you do you want it blown or teased?
The Interior Decorater:Because, he tells you once it's in you'll like it.
The Banker:Because, he tells you, if you take it out to soon,you'll lose interest.
Last But Not Least,The Hunter:Because, he goes deep into the bush, he always shoots twice,and he always eats what he
shoots.

Memory Clinic

MEMORY CLINIC
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Top 10 Reasons God Made Women

TOP TEN REASONS GOD MADE WOMEN
* God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
* God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
* God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
* God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
* God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
* God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able
to handle labor pains and childbirth.
* As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
* Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
* As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
* God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that"

Heat Of Things

HEAT OF THINGS
Well there's been a lot of complaining , especially in big city fire department over the inclusion in ranks of female fire fighters. The male firemen said it's leading to all kinds of problems on the job.
Recently in Chicago, The fire department finally got a huge fire under control, and the Battalion Chief had all of his men accounted for except Jack Riley and Rosie O'Grady.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looked down an alley, and there's Rosie, leaning over a trash can. Her pants are down to her boots, and Riley is banging away hell bent for leather, ( or in this case rubber ).
The Chief goes epileptic and screams, "What the hell is going on here?"
Riley
says, "Rosie passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief said, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Riley reports, " Well I did, Chief, but in the heat of things, then one thing led to another..."

Dems Fightin Words

DEMS FIGHTIN WORDS!
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Home Coming

HOME COMING
After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

Date Killers

DATE KILLERS
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
* "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"
* "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
* "No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
* "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
* "I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
* "My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
* "I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
* "You don't have any sexual
taboos, do ya?"
* "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
* "I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
* "Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."
* "I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."

Hot Air Hand Dryers

HOT AIR HAND DRYERS
Instructions for using those hot air hand dryers in public restrooms.
(1) Shake excess water from hands
(2) Push button and release
(3) Rub hands briskly under nozzle
(4) Dryer stops automatically
(5) Wipe hands on pants.

Signs Your Wife Is Bored Having Sex With You

SIGNS YOUR WIFE IS BORED OF HAVING SEX WITH YOU
* When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til Pervez Musharraf kicks in a new U Turn."
* Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your arse.
* Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
* Only moans during commercial breaks.
* Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
* Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
* Runs for Womens vacant National Assembly seat in Pakistan.
* You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.
* Her
moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
* Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her shalwar on too.
* Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
* Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
* Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
* Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.."

Signs That You Are Addicted To Pro Wrestling

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PRO WRESTLING
10) You insist that all of your employees add "Stone Cold" in front of their regular names.
9) You script out your lovemaking sessions with your spouse.
8) Slipping into something more comfortable involves a cape and a mask.
7) You hear the phrase "One Eyed Monster" and think of the character "Kane" and not something dirty.
6) You pat your wife on the butt and call her "My Little Luchador"
5) Midget wrestling has replaced Game Night on Fridays.
4) When you come home from work, you insist that your spouse play your entrance music as you walk into the house.
3) The
only way you'll watch Ally McBeal on Monday nights is if that little bone rack shows up as the love interest of The Big Valbowski.
2) Upon leaving the bathroom, you advise others not to go in there unless "they want to smell what the Rock was cooking."
1) Before you actually spank your child, you stomp the floor.

If Men Ruled The World

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD
* Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I
was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Nodding
and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* Each
year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

News Flash

NEWS FLASH
A resolution will be proposed in the UN next week to form a new country between the Turks and Kurds.
This new nation would be called Turds.

Spiritualist

SPIRITUALIST
Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.
She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.
"Is there anything he needs?" the distraught woman asked, between tears.
The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he'd love a package of cigarettes."
"I'll send a carton immediately." the woman said joyfully. "But did he say where I should send them?"
"No." replied the Seer somberly. "But he didn't ask for matches."

Chivalry Was My Motive

CHIVALRY WAS MY MOTIVE
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."

Talk Talk Talk

TALK TALK TALK...
Why do women always want to talk during sex?
My ex-wife used to say,"That feels so good. Does it feel good to you? It feels good to me. How does it feel to you?"
I'd say, "Do you wanna talk, or do you wanna make love? If you'll let me finish, I'll write a detailed report for you when we're done"

Say It With Flowers

SAY IT WITH FLOWERS
A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Pigeon

PIGEON
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

For Old Times Sake

FOR OLD TIMES SAKE
A man ran into his ex-wife at a restaurant in New York. Being a sophisticated person, he said to her, "Would you be interested in making love ONE more time, for old times' sake?"
She said "Over MY dead body."
And he said, "Why not? That's the way we always USED to do it."

Call Centre Enquiries

CALL CENTRE ENQUIRIES
---> Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?".
---> RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?.
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
---> Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
---> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven?. Are you sure?.
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
---> Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
Caller: "The living room".
--->
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
---> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".
---> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my
system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
---> British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".
---> Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel
Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Nun Gaining Weight

NUN GAINING WEIGHT
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

Third Marriage

THIRD MARRIAGE
A guy about 35 years old was getting married for the third time.
His prospective bride learned that it was to be his third such trip, and naturally asked him what happened to his first two wives.
He told her that his first wife died of mushroom poisoning.
She agreed that was rather tragic, but what did his second wife die of?
"Well, she died of a fractured skull."
"Oh, how terrible," says she, "how come she died of a fractured skull?"
"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms," he answered.

Election 2008 - Free Tips

ELECTION 2008 - FREE TIPS
Fit aantiyan chahiyein hon to PPP join karain
Fit larkiyan chahiyein hon to PML (Q) join karain
Gaand marwani hou to PML (N)
Gaand maarni hou to MMA
Gaand marwa kay bori main band hono hou to MQM
Muth pay guzaara karna hou to Tehreeq e Insaaf join karain
Gumshuda afraad main shaamal hona hou to APDM
Ghar main nazarband hona hou to Kaale coat waalon ko join karain

Jewish Girl

JEWISH GIRL
Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."

Jury Exemption

JURY EXEMPTION
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

Patent Pending

PATENT PENDING
A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Yuppette

YUPPETTE
The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling considering the number of times you've been inoculated."

Murphy's Real Laws

MURPHY'S REAL LAWS ....
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding
furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Insured

INSURED
Darling," said the affectionate husband, "I've insured myself for $1,000,000. If anything happens to me you will be provided for."
"Good," said his loving wife, "Now you won't have to call the doctor every time you feel sick."

Responsible

RESPONSIBLE
In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Cheering Crowd

CHEERING CROWD
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."

Social Studies

SOCIAL STUDIES
One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on.
Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well whats your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?"

Drivers License

DRIVERS LICENSE
An applicant for a drivers license came to the question: "How many feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?"
He answered: "Two feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake."
He got his license.

Good News

GOOD NEWS
The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs."
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

Why

WHY?
----> Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
----> Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
----> Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
----> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
----> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
----> Why is a boxing ring square?
----> Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
----> Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
----> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
----> Why is it
that rain drops but snow falls?
----> Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"
----> Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
----> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
----> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
----> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
----> Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
----> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
----> You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
----> Can fat people go
skinny-dipping?
----> Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Bush Library

BUSH LIBRARY
There's a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here're what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for.
The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.
The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.
The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.
The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to
go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.
The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.
The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).
To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.
When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

Doll Buggies

DOLL BUGGIES
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the
"Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending with the same question, "Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"

Empty Bank Acount

EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

New Baby

NEW BABY
There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby.
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.
She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."

Active Sex Life

ACTIVE SEX LIFE
Women are pretty indecisive; they spend the first twenty years of their active sex life saying, "Is THAT all you think of?"
And she spends the next twenty years of their sex life saying, "Don't you EVER think of that?"

Top Ten Signs Your Presidential Campaign Is In Trouble

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS IN TROUBLE
10. When asked what you'd do about Iraq, you say, "Do I Rock?"
9. You're often described as "John Kerry without Charisma"
8. Many of your supporters have been hospitalized because you ordered your campaign buttons from China
7. You've been running negative ads about yourself
6. Only Endorsement you've received was from "Burrito Afficionado" magazine
5. When reporting caucus results, media refers to you as "Other"
4. Meet the Press appearance turns ugly when you put Tim Russert in a headlock
3. Budget director blew most of your campaign funds
betting on the Knicks
2. You've primarily been campaigning in Canada
1. You often ask, "What would George W. Bush do?"

Opposing Candidates

OPPOSING CANDIDATES
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "Well, I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

Quit Smoking

QUIT SMOKING
A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work.
"Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks.
"No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works."
Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."

Price Of Toilet Paper

PRICE OF TOILET PAPER
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

Bad Day At Work

BAD DAY AT WORK
Any time you think your having a bad day at work, please refer to this guys "day at the office."
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet-suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So of course,
I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

Butter Vs Margarine

BUTTER vs MARGARINE
Do you know the difference between margarine and butter?
a.. Both have the same amount of calories.
b.. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
c.. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
d.. Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
e.. Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
f.. Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
g... Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine .......
a... Very high in trans fatty acids...
b.. Triple risk of coronary heart disease..
c.. Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol)
d.. Lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
e.. Increases the risk of cancers by up to five fold...
f.. Lowers quality of breast milk ..
g.. Decreases immune response...
h.. Decreases insulin response.
And here is the most disturbing fact....
HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
YOU can try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) ... it does not rot or smell differently.. because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it...even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not find a home to grow.
Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(Butter them up.)

Guard

GUARD
A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them!
In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

Good News And Bad News

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.

Buying A Burrito

BUYING A BURRITO
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."
At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and
says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me:
"Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really ... tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ... (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and ...
Guard:
"Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah ... ?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is
there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!

Little Guy On A Plane

LITTLE GUY ON A PLANE
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later
the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

Fishing

FISHING
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

Asleep On Beach

ASLEEP ON BEACH
This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.
An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.
She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.
He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."

New Books

NEW BOOKS
Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author....
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
-
"Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First

Night Stealing

NIGHT STEALING
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the
lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a
minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

Shortcuts

SHORTCUTS
The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.
AYPI: And Your Point Is?
AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?
BEG: Big Evil Grin
HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding
TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!

Parish Priest

PARISH PRIEST
The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?", he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest, He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, as he lifted her skirt, removing her panties, and started jabbing his finger into her snatch.
"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.
By this time the
priest was thoroughly HOT. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his dick, started screwing and breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished screwing the girl, he asked "He did this too, and worse"
My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, " I think, Father, that he's given me a dose of CLAP."

The New Office Vocabulary

THE NEW OFFICE VOCABULARY
* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE
FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
* MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
* SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
* XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
* PERCUSSIVE
MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* BR ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g.you've hit 'reply all')
* WOOFies
Well Off Older
Folk.
* CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

Raising Boys

RAISING BOYS-- >
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not
kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
6.) The glass in windows (even
double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.)
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Sure Signs Of Aging

SURE SIGNS OF AGING
* You sit down to breakfast and hear "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" ... and you haven't even poured milk on your cereal yet.
* You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up, you might as well go to bed.
* You start complaining that "They're building car seats too darn low!"
* Your ears perk up when a LAXATIVE COMMERCIAL comes on TV.
* You call the place you keep leftovers the "ICEBOX".
* No matter where you sit, no matter where you are, THERE'S ALWAYS A DRAFT ON YOU!
* You complain that the cleaners have started shrinking your clothes.
* You wonder why everyone else is
starting to MUMBLE.
* Lawn care has become a pretty BIG part of your life.
* Your underwear starts creeping up on you ...AND YOU ENJOY IT!
* You start videotaping DAYTIME game shows.
* When you do the HOKEY POKEY, and you "put your left hip out"...IT STAYS OUT!
* One of the throw pillows on your bed is a HOT WATER BOTTLE.
* You think of a "quickie" as napping at a traffic light.

3 Times A Weak Sex

3 TIMES A WEAK SEX
"After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down to three times a year."
"Same here, Pal. As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

Blonde Jokes

BLONDE JOKES
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How is a blonde and a pitcher different?
A: A blonde doesn't mind when you charge the mound.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: "Cause their balls will show
if they did"
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner
Q: What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?
A:
Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes
touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What is the brunette's mating call?
A: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two
brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?
A: Everyone gets a turn
Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They have both been laid all over America.
Q: Why's the blonde's coffin shaped like a Y?
A: Cuz every time she hits her back, her legs spread!
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: Why do blondes wear woolen
panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself/himself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it
is.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.

A Diary Review - Moving South

A DIARY REVIEW - MOVING SOUTH, 2007
May 30, 2007 :
Just moved to Birmingham, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois. Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14, 2007 :
Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the
sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30, 2007:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants
today. Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Birmingham.
July 10, 2007 :
The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15, 2007:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20, 2007:
Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot
car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25, 2007:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.
July 30, 2007:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
August 4, 2007:
It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900. The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's
about 95 degrees. I hate this stupid city.
August 8, 2007:
If another wise ass person cracks, 'Hot enough for ya today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!
August 9, 2007:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
August 10, 2007:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.
August 14, 2007:
Welcome to HELL!!! The temperature got to 105 degrees today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

My Daddy

MY DADDY
My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?"
I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.
"What about kittens? She asked.
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said.
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything"

Q & A

Q & A
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: What does watermellon and pussy have in common?
A: They are both red and juicy inside.
Q: Why did God create Eve?
A: Cause he got tired of seeing Adam jerk off!
Q: Why is a pebble in your shoe like a form of birth control?
A: Because it makes you limp
Q: Is sex better than pot?
A: It depends on the pusher
Q: What's the definition of a bastard?
A: A man who boinks you all night with a 2
inch penis, then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.
Q: Why do men date a woman with a past?
A: They hope history will repeat itself
Q: What does a storm and a pussy have in common?
A: You dont know weather they are going to come or not.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: What is the difference between dark and hard?
A: It can stay dark all night
Q: How can you tell the difference between male and female pancake?
A: The way they're stacked
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on
dead people.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: How would a nympho answer this question, "Do you like it with the lights on or off?"
A: "Yes"
Q: What is 16- inches long, and hard?
A: Nothing
Q: What can't a gardener understand about his penis?
A: How it can be fully grown before it's planted
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down!
Q: What did the woman tell her doctor after breast enlargements operation?
A: "Thanks for the mummeries"
Q: Why might a dumb woman with a good body lie face down at a nude
beach?
A: To make a good impression
Q: What was the sex maniac doing under the hood of the car?
A: He was trying to jump the battery
Q: How are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: Why are men are like bagpipes?
A: You won't get anything unless you blow them first.
Q: Why are prostitutes apathetic about voting in elections?
A: They don't care who gets in
Q: Why did the lady cop frisk the fisherman?
A: She was looking for his rod
Q: What could be described as a case of wife or death?
A:
A shotgun wedding
Q: What are you if you have a hole in your head, you get stiff regularly, and every time you get excited you throw up?
A: A penis
Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
A: A He-blew
Q: What is worse than a lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Why is sex like pot ?
A: The quality depends on the pusher.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the
basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Why did so many Mexicans show up at the Alamo?
A: They heard Davy Crocket was beating them off.
Q: Why was the lady prisoner popular?
A: Because she was always on her guard
Q: What did the married man want in exchange for his 40-year-old wife?
A: Two 20-year-olds
Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?
A: "Good Morning ladies"
Q: Why did the coed get an A in History
A: She was great on dates
Q: Why did the Greek boy return home after running away?
A: He didn't want to leave his brother's behind
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a
job?
A: After a few years the job still sucks
Q: What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
A: Brownie points
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope; what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack
Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A: A Christler!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: Why don't witches wear undies?
A: To get better grip on their brooms.
Q: Why Did The Army Send So Many Women With PMS To The Persian Gulf?
A: They Fought Like Animals And Retained Water For 4 Days.
Q: How can you tell if the barmaid is pissed off at you?
A:
There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.
Q: Did you hear about the new Irish parachute?
A: It opens on impact.
Q: Did you hear about the fag who put "The Patch" on his dick?
A: He's down to two butts a day.
Q: How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new?
A: When it's recalled by the factory.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Pigeon With An Army General?
A: A Military Coo.
Q: What Are Tired Army Clothes?
A: Fatigues.
Q:
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.
Q: What do you call a woman who puts her diaphragm in crooked?
A: Mother
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be pregnant.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float
Q: What do butter and a hooker have in common?
A: You need bread to spread either
Q: What
is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis?
A: You don't fuck with either one.
Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.
Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A: Honey
Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood?
A: The church has a bouncer.
Q: What does Henny Youngman call a false salesman?
A: A FULLER bust man.
Q: What did Emily Post say to her husband when he got an erection?
A: "Its not polite to point"
Q: Half of all Pakistanis live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace
Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
Q: Why were the cops so mad when the toilet was stolen from the police station?
A: They had nothing to go on
Q: What did the homosexual request for x-mas dessert?
A: Fruitcake
Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A: Obsession
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A: One thousand
Q: What did Eve do when Adam came home late?
A: She counted his ribs
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear
about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
A: The wrinkles.
Q: Did you hear about the couple who both achieved mutual sexual satisfaction at the very same moment?
A: They both said "Not tonight, I have a headache."
Q: Why is sex with your wife like a 7-11 store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?
Q: How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A: Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.
Q: What goes on at a nudist camp?
A: Nothing
Q: Why did they call
the prostitute "Flour"?
A: Because she'd been through the mill
Q: How would Henny youngman answer this question, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?"
A: "If I'm near a telephone"
Q: What did the pile of leaves say to the gardener?
A: "Go ahead! Rake my day!"
Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Q: When may a chair be said to dislike you?
A: When it cannot bear you.
Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Q: What is a good reason to become a
gigolo?
A: IF you've always been hard up
Q: Why is credit like sex?
A: Because when you need it, you can't get it
Q: What did the ignoramuses do when his bride said "Take the hardest, heaviest thing you've got and put it where I pee"?
A: He threw his bowling ball in the toilet
Q: How can you tell a disadvantaged Jewish teenager?
A: He's the one driving the domestic automobile.
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
A: I'll see you next period.
Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don't
yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"
Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
A: Wake her up first!
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to write a great piece of software?
A: More...
Q: Three old ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a baseball game and were having a great time drinking and cheering, when all of a sudden they noticed the bottle was almost empty. What inning is it, and how many are on base?
A: Bottom of the fifth and the bags are
loaded.
Q: What's the definition of an 11?
A: A 10 that swallows!
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q: How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist.
Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and shout "I've seen the light!"
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: See you next month.
Q: If I washed my dick with soap and water would you suck it?
A: No.
A2: Dirty cocksucker!
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who
pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious
Q: Did you hear about the deadly serpent with a lovely singing voice?
A: It was a choral snake.
Q: What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE -
A: In both caseS you feel "aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta"
Q: What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A: Male fraud.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How would a nympho answer this question, "Do you like it with the lights on or off?"
A: "Yes"
Q: What is white, 12" long, and hard?
A: Nothing
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish
baby?
A: A girl
Q: Why was the tennis player embarrassed?
A: Because he had fuzzy balls
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a proctologist?
A: Their point of view
Q: What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid?
A: "No, she isn't!"
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't come.
Q: What can't a gardener understand about his penis?
A: How it can be fully grown before it's planted.
Q: What happened when the cannibal ate a missionary?
A: He got a taste of religion
Q: Why does the nymphomaniac have boyfriends by the
score?
A: Because they all do
Q: What did the two Arabs do on Saturday night?
A: Ate their dates
Q: Why did Smokey the bear and his wife never have children?
A: Because every time she got hot, he hit her with his shovel
Q: Why is a male prostitute like inspector Clousteau?
A: They are both Peter Sellers
Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town?
A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.
Q: Did you hear about the new high school course?
A: Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A:
Your wife.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A: A Dictater
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs
Q: What does am baseball player have if he uses Kaopectate , Clearasil, and Condoms?
A: No runs, no zits, no errors
Q: How are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
Q: What is a man?
A: A life-support machine for a penis.
Q: Why is it hard to say oral-genitalism?
A: Because it's a
mouthful
Q: Why did the cannon roar?
A: One of his balls was shot-off
Q: How upset was the old maid who found a tramp sleeping under her bed?
A: She was so upset that her stomach was on the bum all night
Q: Why do chess players have affairs in Czechoslovakia?
A: They love Czech mates
Q: Why is sex like pot?
A: The quality depends on the pusher.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.
Q: What is most wmbartassing?
A: Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
Q: "Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes?
A: "Short, shorter, and don't bend
over!"
Q: What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Q: How can you tell if a bride is horney?
A: When she comes walking down the aisle
Q: What do you call a male prostitute?
A: A working stiff
Q: Why people are strange?
A: People are strange: they want the front of the mosque, the back of the bus and the center of attention.
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist confirm it.
Q: What did the Horney girl tell the hunter?
A: That she was
game
Q: Why is a penis like payday?
A: He can't come too often
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 55 minutes - who cares what she wants?!
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: Why was the leopard frustrated?
A: He couldn't find the right spot
Q: What is the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love might not last forever
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A:
It stays dark all night.
Q: How do sheepherders practice safe sex?
A: They paint an X on the back of the ones that kick!
Q: What do you call a gay with a vasectomy?
A: A seedless fruit
Q: If the stage of man is "Triweekly" and the second stage is "Tryweekly". What is the third stage?
A: Try weakly
Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop
Q: Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.
Q: What's 72?
A: 69 with 3 people watching!
Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: Beause you get 8 more
Q: Do you know
the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: What is better than meeting your girl in a park?
A: Parking your meat in your girl
Q: What is the difference between meat and fish
A: If you beat your fish, it dies
Q: Do you know why the doctor spanks a new born baby?
A: It knocks the dick off the stupid ones!
Q: If a dog is born in Pakistan, gets sick in India, then finally dies in BanglaDesh, where is it buried?
A: In The Ground.
Q: What do you get with 88?
A: You get 8 (ate) twice
Q: What is a French chastitly belt?
A: A muzzle
Q: What is the only thing that men will brag about theirs being smaller than
another man's?
A: The only thing that men will brag about theirs being smaller than another man's is his cell phone.
Q: What Is Culturally Wrong With Australia?
A: It's Full Of Australians.
Q: What is an Australian's dream wife?
A: A woman about 3" tall with no teeth and a flat head you can set a beer on.
Q: What is the definition of Australian foreplay?
A: 'Are you awake Sheila?'
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.
Q: What The Only Thing Wrong With Australia?
A: It's Above Sea
Level.
Q: Why do Australian men piss in the garden at parties?
A: Because there's always someone throwing up in the loo!
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q: What did the girl say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
A: "Where's the beef?"
Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Q: What are three favourite things of men?
A: When you are young, it's wine, women and song.
When you get old, it's beer, the old lady and television.
Q: Have you heard the
slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: "They'll never see you coming."
Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.
Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom?
A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber.
Q: What do you call a female turtle?
A: A Clitortous.