Fashion Designing

FASHION DESIGNING
What's fashion designing?
Too many brains, with too many ideas working on too little pieces of cloth... just to cover two little tits of a model.

Rosh Hashanah

ROSH HASHANAH
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jewish people, you're so good to your help."

Aptitude Test

APTITUDE TEST
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny: SIX.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and
two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Raped

RAPED
Judge: So, when did you realise that you were raped?
Prostitute: When the cheque bounced!

Wrong Game

WRONG GAME
Why is golf called a wrong game?
Because you hold a stick and put the ball in the hole instead of holding the ball and putting the stick in the hole

Lady Traffic Police

LADY TRAFFIC POLICE
A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector
Friend: How was your first night?
Man: She charged Rs 100 from me for Overspeed, 200 for wrongside entry and Rs 500 for no helmet.

Urdu Class

URDU CLASS
Urdu class mein master ki pant ki zip khuli dekh Larkiyan zor se hansne lagin
Masterji bole: Zyada he he ki to bahar nikaal kar kharra kar doonga

New Priest

NEW PRIEST
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?.... what happened next?"

Priest

PRIEST
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in a sensitive
area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

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For hair oil they show hair
For face cream they show face
But for Whisper & Condoms they are not showing anything, that's cheating.
Jaago Gaahako Jaago

Smoking

SMOKING
Man was smoking in a bus.
Conductor: No Smoking ka board nahin dikhta?
Man: Uske side mein 'Always Wear Condom' ka board hai, ab wo bhi laga ke baithoon?

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
----> DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
----> OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken
a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens
----> GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here and Dick Cheney has given me permission to say so.
----> COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road, but definitely we're not sure if it's "THE" chicken but we're nearly certain it may be, possibly, almost perhaps, in any way in accordance by any chance it's nearly possible and I almost stand behind this.
----> PERVEZ MUSHARRAF
I believe it crossed to join Akbar Bugti to blow the gas
pipelines.
----> HAMID KARZAI
Yes the chicken crossed to join fight against NATO forces.
----> HANS BLIX:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
----> JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it until I change my mind again.
----> PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
----> MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at
the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
----> DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
----> ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
----> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
----> GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
----> BARBARA
WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
----> JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
----> ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
----> SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
----> BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ reboot.
----> ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
----> BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
----> AL GORE:
I invented the chicken the same time I invented the Internet!
----> COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
----> DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
----> AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
----> BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
----> JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
----> HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

Big Corporation

BIG CORPORATION
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of
you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! "

Locked Keys In Car

LOCKED KEYS IN CAR
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I
don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied,
"Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional."

Angels

ANGELS
Do you know what Angels do?
They take care of nice people.
When I asked them to take care of you, they refused and said, Angels do not take care of Angels

Viagra

VIAGRA
Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee.
Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was.
Amy's brow furrowed and she said, "Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil. Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now. He's screaming ...
"Who's your granddaddy, who's your granddaddy? Oh dear, I can't remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?"

Discharge

DISCHARGE
Gal tells her Doctor: I've got a bad discharge.
Dr: Drop your knickers.
He fingers her & says how's it feel?
Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.

Bananas

BANANAS
A lady from 2nd floor asking a bananawala: Kaise diye?
Bananawala: Memsaab Aath mein Baara
Lady: Saat mein Tera deta hai to oopar aaja

Snoring

SNORING
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched ME all night long."

Peanuts And Cokes

PEANUTS AND COKES
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

Qualities

QUALITIES
Larki aur chai mein hamesha 6 qualities honi chahiye:
Garam ho,
Tez ho,
Meethi ho,
Doodh ziyada ho,
5 minute mein taiyyar ho,
and Raat bhar sone na de

Mehsoos

MEHSOOS
Jab tumahara rape hua to tumne kya mehsoos kiya?
Girl: Ladoo agar zabardasti bhi khilaya jaye to bhi lagta to meetha hi hai

English

ENGLISH
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since
there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the
painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
23) English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!).
24) Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
25) Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
26) And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham?
27) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth be eth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
28) Doesn't it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
29) If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
30) If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
31) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
32) In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
33) How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
34) You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
35) English was invented by people, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
36) P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

B Ed

B ED
A newly married girl got first class in her B.Ed exams.
Her husband sent telegram to her parents - Meena First Class in Bed!

Indifferent

INDIFFERENT
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask.
Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I
heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep,it's in different.'"

The Price Of Fishing

THE PRICE OF FISHING
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the
deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" ..and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Set A Time Budget

SET A TIME BUDGET
When it comes to making purchases, most people have an idea in their minds of what they're willing to spend. You probably wouldn't walk into a shoe store and say, 'I will buy that pair of shoes no matter how much they cost.' If the salesperson says the shoes cost $400, most people would not buy them. That's because when it comes to making purchases, people set a budget in their minds of how much those shoes are really worth to them.
But what about when it comes to how you spend your time? Do you sometimes spend more time on certain tasks than they're really worth? For instance, when it comes to cleaning your home do you spend an hour a day doing so? Two hours? Three hours? More than three hours? Is dusting really worth that much of your time?
What about your other projects and appointments? How much is that time worth to you?
We all get the same amount of time each day--24 hours. At least 8 of those hours are allocated to sleeping. So, we all have approximately 16 hours when we're awake.
By setting a time budget for certain activities, you will always ensure your time is being spent on what is most important to you, your family and your future.
How much time are you willing to invest with a spouse or loved one? How many hours will you allocate to working, cleaning, exercising, eating or watching television?
Before doing anything, ask yourself how much time you're willing to invest. Write those time investments down so you're able to reference them regularly. Then, stick to your time budget.
Time isn't an unlimited currency, so be sure to spend it wisely.

American Citizens

AMERICAN CITIZENS
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

You Know You Are Addicted To Technology When..

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO TECHNOLOGY WHEN...
----> You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
----> You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
----> In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.
----> You say "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels saying it.
----> You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say "digital compression".
Everyone understands what you mean and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
----> You say "voice number" instead of "phone number" as the majority of phone lines in any house are linked to contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
----> You back up your data every day.
----> On holiday, you read a computer manual and turn the pages faster than those who read John Grisham novels.
----> You go to trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you can't give someone directions to your house without looking up street names.
----> You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
----> You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling
compelled to make something up.
----> You understand all these jokes.

The Worst Homing Pigeon

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening.
It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

Frog

FROG
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll
down.
The man had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are not as smart as they think. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it proves that women never listen!!!

Jewish Man

JEWISH MAN
There comes a time in every Jewish man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.
This usually happens at around age 45.

Iraqi Spies

IRAQI SPIES
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

The Worst Jury

THE WORST JURY
A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening.
The judge, Mr Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.
A fluent French speaker, he exhibited great surprise when told, after two days, that he was hearing a murder trial.
The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language and
nearly as deaf as the first juror.
The judge ordered a retrial.

The Worst Bank Robbery

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle.
The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

The Worst Animal Rescue

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on January 14th they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!..

The Greatest Mathematical Error

THE GREATEST MATHEMATICAL ERROR.
The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on July 28th towards Venus. After 13 minutes flight a booster engine would give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, scanning the mysterious clouds in which it is bathed.
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after take off.
Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from the instructions fed into the computer.
'It was a human error' a
launch spokesman said.
This minus sign cost 4,280,000 pounds.

The Worst Hijacking

THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.
On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

The Least Successful Handcuffing

THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL HANDCUFFING
The most exciting case of handcuff difficulties was reported in the New Statesman in 1978.
It arose while a British circuit judge was trying a burglar in whose possession a pair of handcuffs had been found.
'I thought,' said the judge, 'that the jury might be interested to know how handcuffs could be used to incapacitate a victim.'
Brushing aside protests of the prosecuting council, he clasped one handcuff around his left wrist. 'And now,' he said, 'if I take the other handcuff...Oh do be quiet, Mr Smith (addressed to the agitated prosecutor), I am going to show the jury how these things work.'
Only when the judge was completely fettered
did he learn that the police had not yet recovered the keys.
The hearing was adjourned while the judge was led off to the tender mercies of the local blacksmith.

The Worst Fisherman

THE WORST FISHERMAN
Thomas Birch, the eighteenth-century scholar, was a keen fisherman.
However, he rarely caught anything and so decided to disguise himself in order to lull the fish into a false sense of security.
He constructed an outfit which made him look like a tree. His arms fitted into the branches and his eyes peered through knots in the bark.
Thus attired, he set off down the river bank and took up his position.
He still did not catch anything, attracting only suspicious dogs and friends who used to picnic at his feet.

The Worst Computer

THE WORST COMPUTER
It is widely suggested that computers improve efficiency.
Lovers of vintage chaos might remember the computer installed in 1975 by Avon County Council to pay staff wages.
The computer's spree started off in a small way, paying a school caretaker 75 pounds an hour instead of 75 pence.
Then it got ambitious and did not pay a canteen worker at all for seven weeks. Before long it got positively confident and paid a janitor 2,600 for a weeks work.
He sent it back and received another for the same amount by return post.
There was now no stopping it.
A deputy headmistress received her year's annual salary once a
month; heads of department earned less than their assistants, and some people had more tax deducted in a week than they earned in a year.
In February 1975 two hundred and eighty employees on the council payroll attended a protest meeting. Of these only eight had been paid the correct salary. They all went on strike.

The World's Worst Juror

THE WORLD'S WORST JUROR
It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court on an unusually warm and sultry day.
One of the jurors fell asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecuting counsel.
"Would you," he asked, "tell the court precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"
"No, I would not," she said. "It was far too crude and shocking."
"Would you be prepared to write it down?"
And she did, with every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking, a promise that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with what the rapist planned to do to his victim), and the paper was passed to the
judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the court, and the jury.
In the second row, our hero slumbered on until he was suddenly woken by a sharp nudge from the smiling brunette next to him. She passed the note to him.
He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour, read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in his pocket.
When the judge demanded the note back, the juror refused.
It was, he said, a private matter.

The Least Accurately Labelled Museum Exhibit

THE LEAST ACCURATELY LABELLED MUSEUM EXHIBIT
A first class example of inaccurate labelling was discovered in October 1971 in County Durham.
The object was exhibited in a South Shields museum as a roman sestertius coin, minted between AD135 and AD 138.
However, Miss Fiona Gordan, aged 9, pointed out that it was, in fact, a plastic token given away free by a soft drinks firm in exchange for bottle labels.
The dating was in her view, almost 2,000 years out.
When challenged to provide evidence, she said: ' I know because the firm's trademark is on the back.'
A spokesman for
the Roman Fort museum said 'The token was designed as a roman replica. The trouble was that we constructed the letter "R" on the coin to mean "Roma".
In fact it stood for "Robinsons", the soft drinks manufactures.'

Interesting Bias

INTERESTING BIAS
This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.
Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
End of the interview.

Bar & Bra

BAR & BRA
BAR & BRA... wonder what it's about these three letters that both induce sudden desire & thirst, anytime you see them open...

Hunting Dog

HUNTING DOG
This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"
The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."
The guy says "OK, let's see it again."
The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.
The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"
The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two
rabbits."
The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.
The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?
The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"

Sign Board

SIGN BOARD
Sign board outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy

Longer Dipstick

LONGER DIPSTICK
A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"

Great News

GREAT NEWS
Yesterday's news: An aunty was raped while jogging.
Today's news: More aunties found jogging

Sensitive Part

SENSITIVE PART
Which part of the body is most sensitive while watching adult movies?
Guess?
Ha ha, you are wrong.
It's your ears to make sure that some body is not coming

Nick The Dragon Slayer

NICK THE DRAGON SLAYER
Far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story ~ Pay Your Bills!

One Liners For Pilots

ONE LINERS FOR PILOTS
Here are some great lines emailed by a truly humorous Air-Force pilot and a friend. Some of these have been around before but there are some new ones. Pilots/ex-pilots will particularly find these humorous (and serious depending on one's experience).
----> You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
----> The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
----> Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
----> If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's
probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
----> When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
----> Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
----> What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up the pilot dies.
----> Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
----> Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
----> I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
----> Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one
up there!
----> Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!
----> Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
----> When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
----> Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
----> Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
----> The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
----> A pilot who doesn't
have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
----> If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
----> If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
----> Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
----> There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
----> The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown)
----> If something
hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules:
- Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
- The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
- You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Sexy Woman

SEXY WOMAN
A sexy woman is like a 1000 Rupee note.
You don't know how many have handled it but you still want to have it.

Stupid Guy

STUPID GUY
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool
arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."What a coindence, I'm riding a Honda!""

The Most Functional English Word

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of -luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes
everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

Bar Contest

BAR CONTEST
Banta, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," Jeeto exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But dear," he says, "the prize is ten thousand rupees"
"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."
So he lets the subject drop until the following night when Jeeto walks in on him in the bedroom, counting the prize money.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" Jeeto asks.
"Please forgive me, sweetheart." Banta says.
"You mean you took that
thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
Banta looks at Jeeto fondly and says, "Only enough to win."

Organ Transplant

ORGAN TRANSPLANT
Santa and Banta had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Santa could hardly ignore the fact that Banta was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable dong you have there," Santa was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Banta. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done in Chandigarh. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every rupee."
Santa was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Chandigarh. It was a
good six months later before he ran into Banta once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only."
Banta could hardly believe it. Same address in Chandigarh, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Santa if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the loo and when Banta took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he starts laughing.
"What happened, why are you laughing?"
"No wonder," Banta laughed. "That's my old one!"

Blow Or..

BLOW OR....
Banta leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

Accident

ACCIDENT
Banta is driving his car and finds Santa sitting on the road, looking like he'd just been run over by some vehicle. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised.
Banta stops and he asks him, "Hey, What happens to you?"
"Look!", and he points a crashed car.
"Well, don't care and buy another car," Banta suggested.
"Look inside the car!" said Santa
"Well, don't care and get another girl, and that's all."
"Look inside her mouth!!!"

Sex Education

SEX EDUCATION
Teacher told all students to draw female REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN.
One girl felt shy & looked down.
One Sardar boy shouted : "Miss she is copying!"

Love Your Company But Never Fall In Love With Your Company

LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY
Infosys' Chairman and Chief Mentor Officer (CMO) - Mr.Narayana Murthy's Speech on Late sitting :
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more.
Some people do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary. Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't know if they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to the workplace. Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization.
There are things managers can do to change this for
everyone's benefit. Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue.
Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday.
Another problem is that people who are in the office for long hours are not pleasant company. They often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work together instead of avoiding one another.
As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the office.
First and foremost is to set the example and go
home ourselves. I work with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday.
Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play with your kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating . Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.
Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They are hard for some of us because that requires personal change. They are possible since we all have the power to
choose to do them.
In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my eldest son. When he was a toddler, If people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was.! He would fight off sleep until the visitors left.. It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitors' left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife, and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out.
Perhaps some people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will never stop happening. That is life! Things happen 24 hours a day.
Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap.Things will happen while you're
asleep, but you will have the energy to catch up when you wake.
Hence "LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY"
- Narayana Murthy

Lord Shiva

LORD SHIVA
One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol.
So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender: "What all do u have".
Bartender : "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles of whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't
stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are you?? I've seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender : AB CHARHI ISKO!!!

Out On Trip

OUT ON TRIP
Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That bitch!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
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Banta

BANTA
Banta applied for an engineering position at a Mumbai refinery. A Bengali also applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Banta and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Bengali the job."
Banta asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Mumbai, and me being a Punjabi boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Banta then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Banta, its like this. On question #4 the Bengali put down 'I don't know'. You put down, 'Neither do I'"

Broken Rubber

BROKEN RUBBER
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Sex Education

SEX EDUCATION
School girl : I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION class
Teacher:Why not?
School girl : Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be oral!

Pakistani Sexual Fantasy

PAKISTANI SEXUAL FANTASY
Three Pakistani women were discussing about their sexual fantasies.
The first one said, "my most erotic fantasy is to have sex in the White House with the president of USA because all that power in the room where all important decisions are taken really turns me on."
The second woman said,"for me the most erotic sexual turn on would be to have sex with two big well muscled black men at the same time, that's something I've always dreamed of."
The third one thought for a while and then said, "for me the most erotic fantasy would be to have my brother fielding at third slips during a Pakistan - India match at Lahore. India has
only one wicket in hand, needs 4 runs to win on the last ball, Sachin Tendulkar gets an outer edge to the ball which goes straight to my brothers hands and he drops it for a four and all the hundred thousand fans at the stadium, get up and yell............"ISKEE BEHEN KO CHODOOOO...... !!!!!" (Fuck His Sister)

Collection

COLLECTION
1. Is Dil mein aansuyo ke mele hain
Tum bin hum bohat akele hain
Sab kuch chod kar tumeh e-mail karte hain
Dekho hum kitne vele hain
2. Har desh ki ek sarhadd hoti hai
bache ki bhi ek zidd hote hai
aur kitna intzaar karru tere sms ka
Kanjosi ki bhi koi hadd hoti hai
3. kayi raaz aise hote hain jo dikhaye nahi jaate
kayi kisse aise hote hain jo sunaye nahi jaate
kayi dil aise hote hain jo torre nahi jaate
aur kuch aap jaise dost aise hote hain jo chhore nahi
jaate
4. Yaad karte hai tumhe tanhai mein,
dil dooba hai ghamon ki gehrai mein,
hume mat dhoondna duniya ki bheer mein,
hum millenge tumhe tumhari parchaai mein.....
5. Humse door jayoge kaise,
Dil se hume bhulayoge kaise,
Hum to vo khusboo hain jo aapki saanso mein baste hain,
Khud ki saanso ko rok payoge kaise
6. Har baar dil se yeh paigaam aaye
Zubaan kholu to tera he naam aaye
Tum he kyon bhaye dil ko kya malum
Jab nazroo ke saamne haseen tmaam aaye
7. Mere Dil, Jiger, Kidney, Liver ho tum
waqt-bewaqt aaye vo fever ho tum
Doob kar jisme marr jayu vo River ho tum
Mere
jeevan mein ab to forever ho tum...
8. You must be a good runner because you are always running in my mind,
you must be a good thief because you have stolen my heart,
and I am always a bad shooter because I Miss You Always...
9. Shaam hote hii ye Dil udaas hota hai
Toote khwaboon ke siwa kuch na pass hota hai
Tumahri yaad aise waqt bohat aati hai
Bandar jab koi aas-paas hota hai..
10. Door waadiyon mein dhundley badal chupkar parbat se milne ka intzaar karte hain,
Dil mein tamaam hasarteiN liye hum aapka intzaar karte hain
11. Kya aankheiN hain aapki, kya baatein hain aapki..
us khuda ne kuch aisa aapko bnaya hai... maano...
"Shhhsss...KOI Hai" se bhoot nikal aaya
hai....
12. Aap kya jaano hum kitna yaad karte hain
maano ya na maano har pal fariyaad karte hain
Roz khat likhte hain CARTOON NETWORK ko
aur aapko play karne ki maang karte hain....
waaaaahhhhhhhhh...
13. Phool khilte rahein zindgi ki raah mein
hassi chamakti rahe aapki nigaah mein
kadam kadam par mile khushi ki bhaar aapko
dil deta hai yehi dua baar-baar aapko..
14. L O V E
L = Lake of Sorrow
O = Ocean of Tears
V = Valley of Death
E = End of life....
15. Friendship is like a glass
handle it with care
because once broken cannot be mended
and even if mended....
a crack is always there !!!
16. When Nights are long & Friends are few,
I sit by my Window & think of u.
a silent whisper a silent tear.
with all my Heart I wish you were here.
17. When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God
that everyone should have a friend like you....
Why should only I suffer!!!
18. When the time comes for you to give your heart to someone make sure
that u select spmeone who will never break your heart coz broken hearts
have no spare parts.
19. Teri yaad mein humne kalam uthaayi
liya paper aur tasveer aapki bnayi
socha tha ki usko dil se laga
kar rakhenge
magar vo to bacho ko draane ke kaam aayi...
20. Badi asaani se dil lgaaye jaate hain
par badi mushkil se waade nibhaye jaate hain
le jaati hai mohabbat un raaho par
jaha diye nahi dil jlaaye jaate hain..
21. Most people walk in and out of your life,
but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.
22. Good FRIENDS are hard to find,
harder to leave,and impossible to forget.
23. DON'T frown.You never know who is falling in love with your smile
24. When it hurts to look back,
and you're scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you
and your best friend will be there
25.
Aap jaise log hume kuch khas lagte hai.
mann me har waqt hum ek aas rakte hai,
jaane kab aa jaye sms aapka
is liye cell ko dil ke pass rakte hai
26. When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,
"damn I am really so cute" u will overcome your sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!!..
27. one day Love and friendship met.
Love asked-when i already exist why are you here?
friendship replied "to make faces smile when u leave the tears!!!"
Friendship is the best thing in the world as there is no scope for tears
if your friend is good.
28. If you love someone, put their name in a
circle,
instead of a heart, because hearts can break,
but circles go on forever
29. If all my friends were to jump off a bridge,
I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
30. To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
31. Smile a while and while you smile,
smile another smile and soon there will be miles
and miles of smile just because you smiled,
i wish your day is full of SMILE
32. Muskura do jara khuda ke vaste,
sama-e-mahefil mai rosni kam hai,
tum hamare nahi to kya gum hai,
hum tumhare to haiN ye kya kam hai?
33. Hi i am marrying next
week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don't bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me.....
34. A good Friend is like a computer
he ENTERS in your life SAVE himself
in your heart,FORMATS all your troubles
and never DELETE you from his heart.....
35. a friend is sweet when it is new...
it is sweeter when it is true....
but you know that.....
it is the sweetest when it is u..."
36. a friend is sweet when it is new...
it is sweeter when it is true....
but you know that.....
it is the sweetest when it is u..
37. Chehre
pe ashko ki lakeer si ban gayi
Jo na chaaha tha vo takdeer si ban gayi
humne to chalaayi thi ret pe ungli
gaur se dekha to unki tasveer si ban gayi
38. Mountain can fly,river can dry
you can forget me but never can i
39. Tere pyaar ki roshni aisi hai ki
har taraf ujaala nazar aata hai
sochta hu ki ghar ki bijli katwa du
kambaqt bill bohat aata hai
40. Door rehkar bhi yaad karenge
yeh mat sochna ki bhool jayenge tumeh,
agar dost bankar raas na aaye
to ajnabi ban kar yaad aayenge tumeh
41. destiny decides who u meet in life
but its only your heart that can decide
who gets to
stay in your life.....
42. Have a heart that never hardens
have a smile that never fades
have a touch that never burnt
and have friendship that never breaks.
43. If u drop me i ill break if u hold me i ill shake
if u need me i ill hurry, if u don't call me i ill worry
if u hurt me i ill cry but if u leave me i ill die..
44. Meaning of Friendship : -
F-------FOREVER
R-------RESPONCIBLE
I--------INTELLIGENT
E-------EAGER TO MAIL
N-------NICE
D-------DIVINE
S--------SIMPLE
H-------HEARTLY
I--------INTERSTED
P-------PEACEFUL
45. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
46. I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy
47. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.....
48. My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
49. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
50. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
51. jawaab teri shayari ka....
denge hum shayari mein....
naam tera likh baithe hain....
apne dil ki diary
mein....
52. If u are a chocolate you are the SWEETEST,
If u are a teddy bear you are the most HUGGABLE,
If u are a star you are the BRIGHTEST,
and since you are my friend...U R THE BEST !!!
53. Tum hoti to aisa hota, tum hoti to waisa hota
Tum is baat pe itna hasti, tum uss baat pe itna khush hoti,
Tum is baat pe ye kehti,tum uss baat pe wo kahati
shukar hai tum nahi ho!!!...
54. Don't shut love out of your life by saying
it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to
receive love is to give;
The fastest way to lose
love is to hold it too tightly;
And the best way to
keep love is to give it wings.
55. Dil ki aavaj bhi sun
mere fasaane pe na jaa
meri najaroN ki taraf dekh
jamaane pe na jaa..
56. Haseeno ne haseen banke gunaaah kiya,
auro ko to theek humko bhi tabaah kiya,
pesh kiya jab ghazaloN mein unki bewafaii ko,
auro ne to theek unhone bhi waah waah kiya
57. Yeh jo haseeno ke baal hote hai,
ladkon ko fassane ke jaal hote hai,
na jaane kitno ke khoon piye honge inhone,
tabhi to inke honth laal hote hai
58. Love is sweet poison:
Do not consume without your beloved's advise
and keep out of reach of children
and keep
it in cool and dark place.
59. Promise me we are true friends
I am lamp you are light
I am Coke you are Sprite
I am Sawan you are badal
I am Normal you are Pagal
I am Water you are Tanki
I am Tarzan you are Monkey
60. Aaj vo humse jannat mein takra gaye
Aaj vo humse jannat mein takra gaye
Aur humare dil se awaaz nikalii....
Fiteh Mooh...Tusin Ethe vii aa gaye !!!
61. what is wrong with your cell every time i call a voice comes the
subscriber u have dialed is a monkey plz contact zoo for detail
62. Hi Musharraf needs 500 donkeys to send to WANA.
499 ja chuke, message milte hi niklo...
63. Hi! i am marrying next week. there will be a small party and only a
few people will be invited...so i am inviting you...don't bring any gift
with you...just bring someone to marry me...!!!
64. Yeh jo haseeno ke baal hote hai,
ladko ko fasaane ke jaal hote hai,
na jaane kitno ke khoon piye honge inhone,
tabhi to inke honth laal hote hai..
65. Jaate hue kuch aisa kar ke jayo kaam
Jaate hue kuch aisa kar ke jayo kaam
ki har galli se awaaz aaye..."ABBA JAAN"..." ABBA JAAN"
66. Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain
Vo aaj bhi hume dekh kar muskurate hain
Yeh to unke bache hee kamine hain,
Jo Mamma-Mamma bulaate hain.
67. Apni Surat ka kabhi to didaar de
tadap raha hu ab aur na intzaar de
Apni awaaz nahi sunani to mat suna
Kam se kam 1 Missed call hee maar de...
68. Tussi Hasde yo sanu hasaan vaaste
tussi rone yo saanu rovaan vaaste
ek vaar rus ke ta vekho sohneyo
Marr javange tuhanu manaan vaaste
69. Ae dil kissi ki yaad mein rona fijul hai
ye aansoo bade anmol hain inhe khona fijul hai
royo to unke liye jo tum par nisaar hain
unke liye kya rona jinke aashiq hazaar hain
70. Hi Vajpaye needs 500 donkeys to attack on Pakistan.
499 ja chuke, message milte hi niklo
71. What is wrong with your cell every
time i call a voice comes
that the subscriber u have dialed is a monkey
plz contact zoo for detail
72. Teri aankain jhuki jhuki
tera chehra khila khila
jab tere chehre per haath ghumaya
to aadha kilo fair & lovely mila..
73. Vo sochte honge usko aksar,
jo hamein unke salaam de jaati hai,
vo kya jaane unhein choone waali hawa bhi,
hamein unke saare paigaam de jaai hai!
74. Someday u may lose ur hair.
u may lose ur teeth- ur money & even lose ur mind.
But 1 thing u will never loose is ur good looks.
coz u cant lose wot u don't have!
75. You look so fine! I want to...
break your heart and give you mine
76. You are like the sunshine so warm,
you are like sugar, so sweet...
you are like you...
and that's the reason why I love you!
77. Love is like war...
Easy to start...
Difficult to end...
Impossible to forget..........
78. Do you believe in love at first sight
or do I have to walk by again??
79. I've seen angels in the sky,
I've seen snow fall in July,
I've seen things you could only imagine to see or do,
But I still haven't seen anything sweeter than you!
80. Kiss is not like Nokia...Connecting People
Kiss is not like
Nike..Just Do It.
Kiss is not like Pepsi..Yeh Dil Maange More
But Kiss is like Pan Parag..Ek Se Mera Kya Hoga
81. TUSI bade hi gr8 ho,
RASGULLE ki pl8 ho,
PEPSI ka cr8 ho,
ANDE ka oml8 ho,
SMS KARNE ME bade le8 ho,
JALEBI ki tarah stra8 ho,
KHER jo bhi ho mere fevr8 ho..
82. Mandir mein jaap karta hoon,
Masjid mein adaab karta hoon,
Insaan se kahin bhagwan na ban jaun
isliye roz tujhko SMS karke paap karta hoon
83. A Friend is Sweet when its NEW
Its Sweeter when its TRUE
But you know that its the sweetest when it is U.
84. Child : - Mohsin uncle mujhe na
Bandar dekhna hai
Mohsin : - Beta vo abhi SMS padh raha hai.
85. Phoolon se khoobsurat koi nahi.
Sagar se gahra koi nahi.
Pooja-paath se faldayak koi nahi
Ab aapki kya tarif karu...
Dosto me aap jaisa...Nalayak koi nahi!
86. Zindagi jaise ek saza si ho gayi hai,
gamm ke saagar me is kadar kho gayi hai,
tum kar do ek SMS yeh gujarish hai meri,
tumari SMS ki adat si ho gayi hai.
87. This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat,
keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat,
20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
88. God created the earth,
God created the woods,
God created you too,
but yes, even God makes mistakes!
89. I've seen angels in the sky,
I've seen snow fall in July,
I've seen things you could only imagine to see or do,
But I still haven't seen anything sweeter than you!..
90. Hey friend remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom
& without ugliness there can be no beauty
so the world needs YOU after all!
91. The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass & flowers 2.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
92. Our friendship means a lot 2 me.
U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.
U jump out of the window...
I look down & then... i lauf again
93. SMS vo gyaan hai jo baatne se badhta hai
aur jisko karne par punn ki paraapti hoti hai
is liye hai Praani tum Bill ka mooh chod do
aur karam (SMS) karo..............
tabhi tumahra manusshya janam safal hoga...
94. If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me.
If u save it thats bcoz u desire me
& if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me.
So what u gonna do with It?
95. Jis mehfil mein hum khade ho jaaye
waha Haritik bhi jhukta hai
Kaho Na Pyaar Hai
Kya mooh dukhta hai
96. A triangle has 4 end,
square has 3 end,
segment has 2 end,
but our friendship has no end.
97. Tumko dekha to yeh khyaal aaya
Tumko dekha to yeh khyaal aaya
Ki Paaglo ke stock mein Naya Maal Aaya...
98. Kaun sa gam hai jo yeh haal bana rakha hai
na to makeup hai, na baalon ko sajaa rakha hai
aur khama-kha chedti rehti hai yeh rukhsaaron ko
Tum ne zulfon ko bohut sar pe chada rakha hai
99. Dil ke dard ko dil todne waala kya jaane
pyaar ke rivajo ko ye jmaana kya jaane
hoti hai kitni takleef kabar mein
upper se phool chadane waala kya jaane
100. Jis din se juda vo humse hue
is dil ne dhadkna chod diya
hai chaand ka mooh bhi utra utra
taaro ne chamkna chod diya
101. Kon kehta hai dost ki tumse humari judaai hogi
yeh afwaah zroor kissi dushman ne udaayi hogi
shaan se rahenge tumahre dil mein hum
itne dino mein kuch to jagah bnayi hogi
102. Vo likhte hain humara naam mitti mein
aur mita dete hain, Unke liye ye khel hoga
magar hume to vo mitti mein mila dete hain...
103. Umeedo ki manjil toot gayi
aankho se ashqo ki dhara beh gayi
are tumahri bhi kya izaat reh gayi
jab class ki ladki bhaiya keh gayi....
104. Kabhi honsla bhi aazmaana chahiye
bure waqt mein muskurana chahiye
jab 10 dino mein khujki na mite
to
11 ve din nhaana chahiye
105. Arz kiya hai.....
Aaj-kal aapke SMS aana band hai
wah wah! wah wah!
Aaj-kal aapke SMS aana band hai
khafa ho humse ya balance kam hai?
ha ha ha ha.....
106 Govt. of Pakistan has introduced a new rule
Good Looking people should be thrown out of the country!!!
You are safe....
Where should I hide?????
107. Tammana se nahi tanhai se darte hain
pyaar se nahi ruswaai se darte hain
milne ki to bohat chahat hai
par milne ke baad judaai se darte hain
108. Dil todna humari aadat nahi
Dil hum kissi ka dukhate nahi
Bharosa rakhna meri
wafaon pe
Dil mein bas kar hum kissi ko bhulate nahi
109. You r my sweet SONA
I don't want u 2 KHONA
I want a place in your heart's KONA
Otherwise i will start RONA
Atleast Good Morning to kar LONa..............
110. Jab i ne U se pyaar kiya
to night ko sleeping chod diya
tere face ki gentle beauty ne
mere kind heart ko phod diya
111. If you fall in river there is a boat if you fall in well there is rope
but if you fall in love there is no hope
112. Love is Pure
Love is Sure
Love is sweet poison
that Doctors can't cure
113. Roses are red,
voilets are blue
Donkeys like you, are kept in Zoo
114. Friendship is a priceless gift,
That cannot be bought or sold.
But it's value is far greater,
Than a mountain of gold.
115. Yaad mein teri aanhe bharta hai koi,
har saans ke saath tujhe yaad karta hai koi,
maut to sachai hai aani hai,
lekin teri judaai mein har roz marta hai koi....!..
116. Woh insaan hi kya jo tere hotel ke kharche utha na sakay......
mein chuka kar saare bill zinda rahoon khuda na kare...!!!
117. Safed rang ho agar mehboob ka ,
toh mohabbat ki detergent khusbudar nazar aati hai,
na koi aur hota kharid-dar SURF-EXCEL KA,
aur
na dhulai RIN-SUPREME ki kam nazar aati hai...!!!
118. Sapno se dil lagane ki aadat nahi rahi,
har waqt muskurane ki aadat nahi rahi,
ye soch ke ki koi manaane nahi aayega,
ab hume rooth jaane ki aadat nahi rahi
119. jawani ke din chamkile ho gaye
aur husn ke tewar nukile ho gaye
hum izhaar karne me thore dhiile ho gaye
aur unke haath peele ho gaye....
120. Jab Jab hume pyaas lagti hai,
Unke aane ki aas lagti hai
unki dewangi mein hum ho gaye itne dewane
Ki har larki ki maa apni saas lagti hai

Leave Letters And Applications

LEAVE LETTERS AND APPLICATIONS
This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...
1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
3. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
4. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one
day holiday."
5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
6. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
7. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
8. From H.A.L. Administration dept: As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.
9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
11. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
12.
This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
13: A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both ! for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

The Great Sardar

THE GREAT SARDAR
Once there was a sword competition & players from many countries took part in that.
From India Mr. Santa Singh took part.
First player came from Germany.
He swings the sword & cuts a very thin wire into two parallel parts.
Then comes a Japanese & he cuts the even more thin wire into two parts.
Then comes our very own Santa Singh.
He took the sword in one hand & flew a mosquito in the air.
He swings the sword over the mosquito, but mosquito flies away. Then the judge asked "Kya Santa Singh Ji, machhar to urr gya".
Santa replied, " Urr
to gya, per ab kabhi baap nahi banega"

Phone Talk

PHONE TALK
A man phoned and asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Lady: Urdu main bolo
Man: Do-Do-Ek-Sat Chhoda
Women: Nahin Sir, NADRA ka NSRC Hai... Tin-Tin-Ek-Sat Chhoda (331714)

Shaadi Kay Ladoo

SHAADI KAY LADOO
* Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote
Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote
* Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
* Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
* Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha
* Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
* Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
* Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi
* Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap
* Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage
* Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran
* Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss
* Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma
* Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky
* Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?
* Shaadi se pehle - Biviho to esi
Shaadi ke baad - Bivi hai kesi ?
* Shaadi se pehle - Hero No. 1
Shaadi ke baad - Cooli No. 1

The Prize Bond

THE PRIZE BOND
A woman named Bushra finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the prize bond."
Prize Bond day comes and somebody else wins it. Bushra again prays "God, please let me win the prize bond! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Prize Bond day comes after fifteen days and Bushra still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the prize bond this one time so I can get my life back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Bushra, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a prize bond."

Poetry

POETRY
Arz kiya hai......................................................................................wah wah!!!!
---> Tumko dekha....tumko dekha...tumko dekha....
to yeh khayal aaya paaglon ke stock mein naya maal aaya!
---> The night is dark, the moon is high,
I stop my car, u ask why?
I come close to u, u feel shy,
I tell u those three magical words....
Hye La, Puncture!!!
---> Tumsa koi dusara zameen par hua to rab se shikayat hogi....
Ek to jehlla nahi jata dusra aa gaya to kya halat hogi!!!
---> koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
abe aage bhi to bol...............
nuclear power ka jamaana hai, bomb se udaa do saale ko...................
---> tuhaar chehraa moti samaan ..
tuhaar
chehraa moti samaan...
moti hamaar kutte ka naam!!
---> Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se sharmana...
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se sharmana...
Ye line samajh me aaye to mujhe zaroor batana!!
---> tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge,
tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge.....
ghanti bajayenge aur bhaag jayenge !!
---> Jis waqt khuda ne tumhe banaya hoga,
ek saroor sa uske dil pe chaya hoga...
pehle socha hoga tujhe jannat mein rakh lun..
phir usse zoo ka khayal aaya hoga!!!
---> Mere marne ke baad mere doston, yu aansoo na bahana,
Agar meri yaad aaye to, sidhe upar chale aana!!
---> Unki gali se guzre..ajeeb ittefaq tha
Unki gali se guzre..ajeeb ittefaq tha
Unho ne phool phenka..gamla bhi saath tha!!
---> Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib...
Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib...
La, phawra mujhe de!!
---> Tumko dekha to ek khyal aaya
Tumko dekha to ek khyal aaya
Tumhari saheli ko dekha to doosra khyal aaya!!
---> Na woh inkaar karti hai
Na woh ikraar karti hai
KAMBAKHT mere hi sapno mein aakar
Mere dost se pyaar karti hai.
---> Jab Jab gire Baadal, Teri Yaad aayi
Jhoom ke barsa Saawan, Teri Yaad aayi
Bheega main,lekin phir bhi teri Yaad aayi
Kyon na aaye teri yaad? Tune jo
chatri ab tak nahi lautai...
---> Bolaa dukaan-daar, ke kyaa chahiye tumhain
Jo bhii kaho ge merii dukaan per wo paoge
maine kahaa ke kutte ke khaane kaa cake hai
bolaa yahiin pe khaaoge yaa leke jaaoge!!!!:?
---> Unki gali ke chakkar kaat kaat kar,
Kutte bhi hamare yaar ho gaye,
Wo to hamare ho na sake,
Hum kutton ke sardar ho gaye...
---> haseen tum ho to bure hum bi nahi,
mahalo mein tum ho to sadak par hum bhi nahi,
pyar
karke kehte ho shaadi shuda ho,
kaan kholkar sunlo. kunware hum bhi nahi.
---> Macchar ne jo kata... dil main mere junoon tha.
Khujli hui itni... dil be sukoon tha.
Pakara to chorr diya yeh soch kar ki....
sale ki ragon main apna hi khoon tha!
---> Aaj didar, kal yaar, parso pyar, phir ekrar, aur phir-intzar,
phir-takrar, phir-darar, saari mehnat-bekar,
aur akhir mein-Ek aur devdas at beer bar!

Okhil Babu's Letter To The Railway Department

OKHIL BABU'S LETTER TO THE RAILWAY DEPARTMENT
Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this letter to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi. It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers' Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review.
"I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female women on platform.
I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard
not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honor to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers."
Any guesses why this letter was of historic value?
It apparently led to introduction of toilets in trains!!!!

Brothel

BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. May I help you? she asked.
I want to see Rozina the man replied.
Sir, Rozina is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else said the madam.
No. I must see Rozina was the man's reply.
Just then, Rozina appeared and announced to the man that she charged Rs 1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out one thousand Rupee note, gave it to Rozina, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see
Rozina.
Rozina explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still Rs 1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Rozina and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night but he paid Rozina and they went upstairs.
After their session, Rozina questioned the man. "No one has ever with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied "Faisalabad."
"Really? she said. I have family in Faisalabad."
"I know the man said. Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your Rs 3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is
that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Where Do I Go From Here

WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
Inzimam Ul Haq was buying a sports shirt in India and found the largest size too snug. "Where do I go from here?" he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.
"To Azhar Uddin's gym," she replied.

Dentist

DENTIST
Terribly agitated, Jawad rushed into his dentist's examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his dick.
"Jawad, Jawad," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."
"It's not V.D.," gasped Jawad, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth stuck in it."

Make Him Puke

MAKE HIM PUKE
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

Police Announcement

POLICE ANNOUNCEMENT
A woman at a night-club on Saturday night was taken by 5 men who, according to hospital and police reports, gang raped her before dumping her.
Unable to remember the events of the evening, tests later confirmed the repeat rapes and along with traces of Rohypnol in her blood, was Progesterex, which is essentially a small sterilization pill.
The drug is now being used by rapists at parties to rape AND sterilize their victims. Progesterex is available to vets to sterilise large animals.
Rumour has it that Progesterex is being used together with Rohypnol, the date rape drug. As with Rohypnol, all they have to do is drop it into the girl's drink. The girl can't remember a thing the next morning,
of all that had taken place the night before. Progesterex, which dissolves in drinks just as easily, is such that the victim doesn't conceive from the rape and the rapist needn't worry about having a
paternity test identifying him months later. The drug's effects ARE NOT TEMPORARY- They are PERMANENT!
Progesterex was designed to sterilise horses. Any female who takes it WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CONCEIVE. They can get this drug from anyone who is in vet school. It's that easy, and Progesterex is about to break out big everywhere. Believe it or not, there are even sites on the Internet telling people how use it. Please COPY this to everyone you know, especially girls.
Be careful when you're out and don't leave your drink unattended.
Please make the effort to PASS this on to all you know...
Guys, please inform all your female friends and relatives. This has now been
reported to have been used on 360 women around London.
Girls keep your drinks safe at all times and blokes look after the girls you are with.

Laws Of The Natural Universe

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
----> Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
----> Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
----> Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
----> Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
----> Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss
you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
----> Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
----> Bath Theorum:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
----> Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
----> Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
----> Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
---->
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
----> Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
----> Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
----> Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
----> Law of Location:
No matter where you go,... there you are.
----> Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible... if you don't know what you are
talking about.
----> Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
----> Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
----> Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

What A Bargain Grand Children Are

WHAT A BARGAIN GRAND CHILDREN ARE!
I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Welsh Proverb
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door,
discipline flies out the window. ~Marcy DeMaree
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Lois Wyse
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Henry Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Mary H. Waldrip
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Proverb
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Alex
Haley
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Joy Hargrove
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~Authors Unknown
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped
around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

College Student Q & A

COLLEGE STUDENT Q AND A
Q: What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's
life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky . . . He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .

American Football Move In Sex

AMERICAN FOOTBALL MOVE IN SEX
---> Hike = Up the rear
---> Reverse = 69
---> Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
---> 2pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
---> Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
---> Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him
---> Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
---> Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load.
---> Holding = Cuddling
---> Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
---> Huddle = Multiple participants
--->
Madden '99 = Cyber sex
---> Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex Illegal
---> Use of the hands = Masturbation
---> Ball Hog = Slut
---> onfiltered= Making up after a fight
---> Double Header = Two mates in the same night
---> Tight End = Virgin
---> Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
---> False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
---> Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
---> Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
---> Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
---> Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
---> Unsportsmanlike Conduct =
Bragging to your friends about your activities
---> Double Coverage = Two condoms