Free Fuck

FREE FUCK
Musharraf walks into a high-class disco and asks a hooker, “What its going to cost him for a good time?”
She replied, “Mr Prez, if you can raise my shirt as high as the cost of fuel, lower my pants as low as the wages, get your dick as hard as the present times are for the ordinary people, get me warmer than my apartment in summer and fuck me as hard as you fucked this nation for the last 7 years, then Mr Prez, this fuck’s free".

I'm Hungry In Aussie

I'M HUNGRY IN AUSSIE
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

Vomiting In Aussie

VOMITING IN AUSSIE
* "Calling for George."
* "I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
* "I left him a lawn pizza."
* "Toss a tiger on the carpet."
* "Gotta go Ralph"

I Need To Do A Poo In Aussie

I NEED TO DO A POO IN AUSSIE
* "I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
* "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
* "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
* "Off to the bog to leave an offering."
* "Time to snap off a grogan."
* "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
* "I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
* "There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
* "I'm going to give birth to your twin."
* "Need to choke a brown dog."
* "I've freed Nelson Mandela."
* "Going for a Rodney."
* "Taking
out the garbage."
* "I gotta back one out."
* "Release the Chocolate hostage"
* "I gotta lay some cables for telstra"

I Need To Go For A Pee In Aussie

I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE IN AUSSIE
* "Gonna drain me dragon."
* "My back teeth are floating."
* "Need to syphon the python."
* "Takin' the kids to the pool."
* "I got to take a snakes hiss."
* "Gotta go have a slash."
* "Gonna go water a horse."
* "I'm off to drain the main vein."
* "Time to splatter the bladder."
* "I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
* "Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I'm Thirsty In Aussie

I'M THIRSTY IN AUSSIE
* "I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
* "I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
* "I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
* "I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
* "I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
* "I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

Compliments In Aussie

COMPLIMENTS IN AUSSIE
* "Ya bloods worth bottling!"
* "He's True Blue."

Insults In Aussie

INSULTS IN AUSSIE
* "I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
* "Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"
* "About as useful as tits on a bull."
* "You must be the world's only living brain donor."
* "He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
* "She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
* "He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
* "May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
* "He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
* "So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell
rang!"
* "Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
* "Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
* "As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
* "If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
* "Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
* "Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
* "Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
* "Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
* "About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
* "I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
* "A stubbie short of a six pack." "Seen better heads in a piss trough."
* "You're as handy as shit on a stick." "Tighter
than a fish's arse."
* "So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
* "Face like a smashed crab."
* "As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
* "He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
* "F**ked in the head."
* "You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
* "He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
* "Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
* "Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
* "He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
* "She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
* "She's two pick handles wide."
* "An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
* "As ugly as a bag of
spanners."
* "You've got a head like a dropped pie."
* "He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
* "I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
* "Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
* "Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
* "If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
* "Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
* "As thick as two short planks!"
* "You got a head like a busted watermelon"

Definitions Of Terms Commonly Used In Higher Math

DEFINITIONS OF TERMS COMMONLY USED IN HIGHER MATH
The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time immortal: "Wing It."
---> CLEARLY
I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.
---> TRIVIAL
If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
---> OBVIOUSLY
I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat
it.
---> RECALL
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...
---> WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality)
I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.
---> IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN
Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.
---> CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF
This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
---> SKETCH OF A PROOF
I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove.
---> HINT
The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof
--->
BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE)
Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree."
---> SOFT PROOF
One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
---> ELEGANT PROOF
Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
---> SIMILARLY
At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
---> CANONICAL FORM
4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish.
---> TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent)
If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other
thing, and if I say the other thing...
---> BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM
I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows.
---> TWO LINE PROOF
I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
---> BRIEFLY
I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
---> LET'S TALK THROUGH IT
I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.
---> PROCEED FORMALLY
Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses).
---> QUANTIFY
I can't find anything wrong with your proof
except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses).
---> PROOF OMITTED
Trust me, It's true.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students :
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p….."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher fainted ...

Kangaroo Tweak

KANGAROO TWEAK
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of testicles. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
I just gave his testicles a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"! .

Why

WHY
"I just got married," my friend Danny announced, as he entered the local den of inequity.
After buying him a cold one to celebrate his capitulation and loss of freedom, I asked him, "Why in hell would you do a dumb thing like that ?"
Danny responded, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."
"That's funny," laughed the bartender,. "That's exactly why I got divorced."
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Holiday Eating Tips

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. Youcan't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.Gravy does not
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape
and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Night Before Christmas

NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter. There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney. I'll be alone, my computer and me. I won't race to the window, to see him arrive. I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five. There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around. None of my regular buddies are found. I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all that's about.
As, I was about to go check out the net. I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile. And, ask, if I might like to
chat for a while. She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave. But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve. She said, it's the first
time, she'd ever been on. But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun. She said, the computer, was
usually locked tight. But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight. He's away on some business; He'll
be gone all night. So, she thought she'd use it, "I guess it's all right." She started to tell me, about
her whole life. How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs. Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds. She talked on and on, from one thing to the next. Then finally told me.....she was oversexed. She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told. He was always too busy, and getting too old. Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex. She asked me to teach her, to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she
wanted me to, that I could. Then after an hour, she got really good. After five
hours, myfingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too. And anyway, her husband, soon would be due. She said she would be on, the same time next year. Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here. She said only...on this night, she could be found. It is only...this night, her husband leaves town. She said bye, and signed off...and I had to pause.
I think I just cybered . . . . . . with Mrs. Santa Claus ! ! ! !

A Little Mixed Up

A LITTLE MIXED UP
Just a line to say I’m living,
That I’m not among the dead.
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes I can’t remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I’ve just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt-
Have I just put food away?...or
Have I come to take some out?
And there’s times when it is dark out,
With my night cap on my head-
I
don’t know if I’m retiring
Or just getting out of bed.
So...if it’s my turn to write you
There’s no need of getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don’t want to be a bore!!
So, remember..I do love you
And I wish that you were here,
But now it’s nearly mail time,
So I must say good-bye my dear.
There I stood beside the mail box
With a face so very red -
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!!
My bifocals fit - my dentures are fine-
My hearing aid works...but ..I do miss my mind!!!

Strange Wish

STRANGE WISH
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to
eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Twas The Night Before Christmas

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable litttle brats, ungrateful litttle jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works !
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots.. they think--I'm IBM !
Flying throught the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I"ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year, now you know the
reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Twas The Night Before Christmas Brooklyn Style

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS BROOKLYN STYLE
'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"
by

Begat

BEGAT
There once was a young girl who begat
Three small babies named Ned, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there was no Tit forTat

A Woman's Poem

A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

Have Your Mamies Grammed

HAVE YOUR MAMIES GRAMMED
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me
when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this,
I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

21 Things You Can Only Get Away With Saying At Christmas

21 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH SAYING AT CHRISTMAS 1. I prefer breasts to legs 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5. I've never seen a better spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you put it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more! 21. I do like a good stuffing.

Adultery

ADULTERY
"Adultery," said Joseph, "is nice.
If once is alright, better twice.
This doubling of rations
Improves my sensations,
For the pleural of spouse, friend, is spice."
An elephant from hilly Tibet
In his cage one day wouldn't get
So his keeper quite near
Rammed a hose in his rear
And invented the first jumbo jet.
Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You''re a very attractive young germ
Come join me, my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet,
And in nine months we'll both come to
term."

The Onions And The Christmas Trees

THE ONIONS AND THE CHRISTMAS TREES The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree? "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Lady

LADY
A lady while dining at crew
Found an Elephant's whang in her stew
Said the waiter, "Don't Shout
And don't wave it about
Or the others will all want one too."

Farming

FARMING
Farming is just a ball
To change pumpkins into squash
Simply let them fall.

Met A Lady

MET A LADY
Met a lady an thought about marrying her
But her bush had grown hairier an hairier
Claimed it was cuz she was a virgin true
But when I attempted a premarital screw
I was forced to hunt for it with a fox terrier

My Christmas Wish

MY CHRISTMAS WISH If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony. If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for. . . 1. All the Children of the world to sing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free If I had 3 wishes this Christmas. . . 1. Kids singing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3. To have all encompassing power over the universe If I had 4 wishes this Christmas. . . 1. The crap about the kids
2. $1,000,000
3. All encompassing power
4. 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 super models and, of course, my spouse Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange 1. All encompassing power
2. The orgasm
3. The money OHHH!! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now ... My wish this Christmas would be. . . 1. The power
2. To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money
5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.

12 Days Of Yahoo

12 DAYS OF YAHOO ...

For the first pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
A post from a week ago. For the second pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
2 web crashes
And a post from a Week ago. For the third pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
3 error messages
2 web crashes
And A post from a week ago. For the forth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error Messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the fifth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 Error messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the sixth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
6 disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 Jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the seventh pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
7 hours with no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 Web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the eighth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
8 channels not working
7 hours With no mail
6 disconnections
5
frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 Error messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the ninth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
9 Dumb advertisements
8 channels Not working
7 hours with no mail
6 disconnections
5 frozen PM's
4 Jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a Week ago. For The tenth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
10 propositions
9 Dumb Advertisements
8 channels not working
7
hours with no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 Web crashes
And a post from a week ago For the eleventh pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
11 pieces of Spam
10 Propositions
9 Dumb advertisements
8 channels not working
7 hours With no mail
6 Disconnection's
5 frozen PM's
4 jerks at Tech Help
3 error messages
2 web crashes
And a post from a week ago. For the twelfth pain of Christmas Yahoo gave to me
12 reasons to
unsubscribe.

Penzance Girl

PENZANCE GIRL
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance
So let herself go
In the lap of her beau
And now her sisters are aunts

First Priority

FIRST PRIORITY
Mrs Sehba Musharraf asked his husband, General Pervez Musharraf, "Why haven't you fucked me for the last few months".
General Pervez Musharraf replied, "SAB SAY PAHLAY PAKISTAN".

Life Cycle Of Software Engineers

LIFE CYCLE OF SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
A SW ENGINEER'S DAILY ROUTINE
8:30AM: wake up
8:45AM: Tough decision; to bath or not.
8:50AM: Have To.
9:15AM: Punch in.
9:20AM: Check Mail.
9:25AM: Check Again just in case...
9:30AM: Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea(9:45AM).
9:45AM: TEA party.
10:00AM: Check Mail.
10:05AM: Check again.can't Believe that no mail has come. Is every body dead or what ?
10:20AM: Sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk
to.
10:30AM: Found a guy testing something.Feel real pity for his pathetic, boring and useless existence.
10:40AM: Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for the file.(Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM: Boss summons in his office.Bad sign.
11:30AM: How the hell ! am I suppose to remember everything. Why should I be responsible for everything that goes bad.
11:45AM: Try to locate a scapegoat.No body around.
12:00AM: Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM: lunch
1:00PM: Lunch over.
1:10PM: Go for a smoke.Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM: Back from a smoke.It was good.I even did not pay for the cig.the other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM: Mood is good.Decide to go to cool web sites.Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM: Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM: Tea Time.
3:00PM: Chat and discuss with colleague on the bad state of the company.Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM: A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM: Try to look busy.
4:12PM: He is asking for a techn! ical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM: After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM: No solution found.really angry on the guy for getting myself involved.
4:55PM: Suddenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area.Try make as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown in.
5:00PM: Boss has gone
back to his den.Coast is clear.
5:05PM: Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM: Check mail."Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM: It's a silly joke and old too.But it felt good.
5:14PM: a quick dash for gate.
5:15PM: Third in punching out.
5:25PM: Reached Room.
5:26PM: TV on.No worth while program.
8:30PM: Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazy and Irresponsible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse Government and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives.Pretty bad and stinking.
8:48PM: Dinner finished.
12:45AM: Today there were really good programs.
1:46AM: Decide to sleep.Tough day ahead.

From The Mouths Of Babes

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
---> "Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."
---> My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."
---> Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
---> As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
---> Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
--->
When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"
---> While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
---> My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"
---> Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."
---> His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son--me!"
---> When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The
next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

Scottish Couple

SCOTTISH COUPLE
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By
the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

Kill Someone

KILL SOMEONE
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely blonde stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am!!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that crook had me convinced that 'foreplay' was just tossing a coin for position!"

Just Want To Be Friends

JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS
The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

Stomach Ache

STOMACH ACHE
A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.
After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.
He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.
Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

7 Definitions Of A Cat

7 DEFINITIONS OF A CAT
1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. A four footed allergen.
3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. A treat-seeking missile.
5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.
6. A hair relocation expert.
7. An un-programmable animal.

Hold Your Chest

HOLD YOUR CHEST
Little Johnny's parents were having a party at their house. One of the guests was observing Little Johnny, who would hold his chest whenever he bent down.
After a few minutes, the woman asked Little Johnny, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"
Little Johnny said, "It is to keep my lungs from falling out. One day my teacher was writing on the board, and the chalk fell down. When she bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs come right out of her chest!"

Ecologically Responsible

ECOLOGICALLY RESPONSIBLE
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Hardness Factor

HARDNESS FACTOR
Jill claims that according to a new book called "The Hardness Factor,"carrots, bananas and cucumbers are just as effective as Viagra for men.
She says personal research has actually proven that depending on the size of the individual carrot, banana or cucumber, used that in many instances you might not even need the man.

Retirement Home

RETIREMENT HOME
It was the wise custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment. This one night, John who was 84, was paired with Jill who was 86.
A few hours later, Jill returned to the Home and was she angry!
"What happened that you should be so upset, Jill?", the attendant asked her.
"Coming back with that silly old man John, I had to slap him three times while we were riding back in the cab."
"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. John ought to be ashamed of himself, making passes at you."
"Passes???", Jill said, "he didn't make passes. I had to slap him three times to see
if he was asleep or dead."

Trouble With Rectum

TROUBLE WITH RECTUM
An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room. A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies, "Doctor, I have been having trouble with my rectum, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"
So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end. After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies, "No, why?"
The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

Ten Rules Of Arranged Marriage

TEN RULES OF ARRANGED MARRIAGE
Rule 1 - Magic no. 28:
In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5 years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to get married by the time they become 24-25. Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years
younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is. Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I will marry when I settle down".
Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls:
At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married & there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able girls are fixed.
Rule 3 - Competition for girls:
Like all other facets of life, there is lot of
competition for good girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai.So, set your expectations accordingly.
Rule 4 -- Understanding girls:
You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I know people who are still trying to understand their wife. ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting? This is where
you need to take the help of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like email/chat to choose your girl.
Rule 5 - Society expectation:
The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit of everyone involved.
Rule 6 – Marriage between equals:
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of social status, family values & caste/religion plays a major role. It’s important
to note that in case there is a perfect match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.
Rule 7 - Know yourself:
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract", while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for. The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't forget rule no.3 here.
Rule 8 -- Girl's
Beauty:
A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important, but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality & behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.
Rule 9 -- Taking advice:
As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue. They are your well wishers. Secondly,
in such important matters its necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take their advice.
Rule 10 -- Own decision:
All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out & you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of your choice.
How to approach the selection process?
From the day, a person decides to get
married; the selection process takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment.
The ideal steps to be followed are:
a.. Definition phase --
Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.
b.. Lead Generation phase --
Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family
societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2 here.
c.. Short listing phase -
Based on your selection criteria,
short-list the interesting biodatas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:
1.. The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/herself.
2.. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope.
3.. The initiator then sends the request
Guys do let me know wat u think on this. Bahot bari katha he. Parhate parhate me to thak gaya. Socha chalo auro ko bhi pareshan kar hi deta hu.
Love & Regards,

Tractor Salesman

TRACTOR SALESMAN
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool
right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

Shop

SHOP
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up nderneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly... But what I came to buy is a new
tie."

Explain

EXPLAIN
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery- operated pleasure device.. a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, I’ll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Bug Spray

BUG SPRAY
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there,
hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"

Absolute Power

ABSOLUTE POWER
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1
You have absolute power.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2
Cry.
Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal
against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3
Be cute.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4
Keep them weak.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and
that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5
Pee on them.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6
Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and
there's two of them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7
Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8
Women and grandparents love babies.
Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule #9
Siblings exist for your
amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10
No private time.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new
baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power

Late Excuse

LATE EXCUSE
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy forthe house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!".

Play A Jazz Chord

PLAY A JAZZ CHORD
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz
chord".
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears! the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK jerk. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Differences

DIFFERENCES
The definition of irreconcilable differences:
She's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

God Created Children

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His
own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
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"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
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"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
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"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing
your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you
do, ten people will be laughing.

Wife's Birthday

WIFE'S BIRTHDAY
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

How To Say Happy New Year

HOW TO SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR
. Arabic - Kuk ‘aam u antum salimoun
. Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
. Chinese - Chu Shen Tan
. Czechoslavakia - Scastny Novy Rok
. Dutch - Gullukkig Niuw Jaar
. Finnish - Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
. French -
Bonne Annee
. German - Prosit Neujahr
. Greek - Eftecheezmaenos o Kaenooryos hronos
. Hebrew - L’Shannah Tovah Tikatevu
. Hindi - Niya Saal Moobaarak
. Irish (Gaelic) - Blianin nua fe mhaise dhuit
. Italian - Buon Capodanno
. Khmer - Sua Sdei tfnam tmei
. Laotian - Sabai dee pee mai
. Polish
- Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
. Portuguese - Feliz Ano Novo
. Punjabi - Nawain Saal Diyan Wadhiyan
. Russian - S Novim Godom
. Serbo-Croatian - Scecna nova godina
. Spanish - Feliz Ano Neuvo or Prospero Ano Nuevo
. Turkish - Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
. Urdu - Saal e Nau Mubarak
. Vietnamese - Cung-Chuc Tan-Xuan

Pair Of Nikes

PAIR OF NIKES
Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them.
One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"
"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Dinners

DINNERS
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

World Famous Urologist

WORLD FAMOUS UROLOGIST
Sam Tinkleman sat on the examining table in the office of Dr. Rosenstein, the world-famous urologist.
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are
you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"

The Encyclopedia Of One Liners

THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF ONE LINERS
* Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest!
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
* Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
* All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.
* Confucius Says...Credit is like sex...When you need it you can't get it!

A Virgin Tale

A VIRGIN TALE
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

Computing Camp

COMPUTING CAMP
This letter was written some time ago by a very concerned parent:
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot
tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for
yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters:
-----------------------------------
Letter # 1
----------
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
-------------
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked too.
Letter # 3
-------------
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4
-------------
Dear
Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5
-------------
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed,
William.
Letter # 6
-------------
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7
-------------
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
-------------
What can I do, Mr. Johnson?
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent

Frontier Days

FRONTIER DAYS
Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there some
place ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food
on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute."
He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon
tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

I Don't Do

I DON'T DO
1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.
5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love
all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.
7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.
8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

Expecting

EXPECTING
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"
"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."
"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"
"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."
They sit
and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Potty Rules

POTTY RULES
Staff Notice
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll
extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
MANAGEMENT

Two Tunnels For The Price Of One

TWO TUNNELS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates ran in the millions of pounds. One firm (Boaj LTD) asked only 10,000 pounds.
"Considering equipment and labor costs", the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"
"It's simple," the Boaj* contractor replied. "My partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and starts digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"
"But what if you never meet?"
"Then you've got two tunnels, for the price of one."

Travel Agent Reveals

TRAVEL AGENT REVEALS
Confessions from a travel agent working with the US Congress (And these are the people running USA and to some extent the whole world!):
---> I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*****************************
---> I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.
She interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her
look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response .(click).
****************************
---> A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
*****************************
---> I got a call from a lawmakers wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I
said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
************************
---> An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
**********************************
---> An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
********************************
---> A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
*****************************************
---> A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
*********************************
---> A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
****************************************
---> A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big
animal", she admitted!!!

F Grade

F GRADE
On one occasion, a student burst into his office.
"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Grandma's Apron

GRANDMA'S APRON
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came those old aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids; and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling-wood were brought into the kitchen
in that apron.
From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls.
In the fall it was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out on the porch and waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields for dinner.
It will be a long time before anyone invents something that will replace that old-time apron that served so many purposes.
Hmmm, don't you think someone should clean that apron?

Missing Bill Clinton

MISSING BILL CLINTON
---> Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
****************************
---> Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with
"Clinton Soup," in honor
of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
****************************
---> Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
****************************
---> When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
****************************
---> American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
****************************
---> Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's
finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
****************************
---> Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
****************************
---> The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
****************************
---> Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.

Farmer's Money Troubles

FARMER'S MONEY TROUBLES
A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers money troubles:
It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought in killograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in celsius and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow.
Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place!!

Grandma And The Computer

GRANDMA AND THE COMPUTER
The computer's swallowed grandma
Yes' honestly' its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see.
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.

Old Man

OLD MAN
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

10 Things You Never Hear A Redneck Say

10 THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
2. You can't feed that to the dog.
3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
4. Trim the fat off that steak.
5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
7. Duct tape won't fix that.
8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

Top 25 Country Songs Of All Time

TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS OF ALL TIME
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd
Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So
Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!

Warming Up

WARMING UP
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his
nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis.
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"

God Created Cats And Dogs

GOD CREATED CATS AND DOGS
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lone-some here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled
with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.

Twelve Pound Nugget

TWELVE POUND NUGGET
In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get
particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs.Brown: He does.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs.Brown: No he isn't.
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter: Can you show me
the exact location where it was found?
Mrs.Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter: Is the hole far from here?
Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs.Brown: He thought he was.
Reporter: Was the work difficult?
Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened.
Reporter: Is the water plentiful?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work.
Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet?
Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it.
Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets?
Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked.
Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start.
Reporter: Do you help him?
Mrs.Brown: I do my level best.
Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim?
Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself.
Reporter: Can I see the nugget?
Mrs.Brown: Certainly.
She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very fast.

Save It

SAVE IT
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was
wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Multi Faceted Survey

MULTI FACETED SURVEY
A multi-faceted survey at Columbia University School of Medicine in NYC has so far uncovered two interesting conclusions.
One study to determine why married women love Chinese food in the NYC area discovered that the real reason is due to the belief that there exists some form of mental hypnotic suggestion at work here after realizing that Won Ton spelled backwards is: " Not Now."
And a survey recently completed among a carefully selected representation of male students picked to represent an accurate cross section of actual racial and ethnic demographic percentages in the 18 to 30 age bracket has positively ascertained that 10 percent of the men interviewed prefered women with thin legs. Another 15 percent preferred
muscular legs. The rest were interested mainly in something in-between.
So go figure !

In Line Of Fire

IN LINE OF FIRE
General Musharraf and his wife Sehba were visiting America. They were having a busy schedule as the General was launching his book.
One night Mrs Sehba Musharraf asked his husband, Musharraf, "Why haven't you fucked me for the last few days".
General Pervez Musharraf replied, "You are IN LINE OF FIRE ".

Admirer

ADMIRER
For qute some time Joe had been Miss Holly's devoted admirer.
Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Joe began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Joe saw what he interpeted as an affirmative and sympathetic gleam in Holly's eyes.
Then Holly nodding in agreement finally responded, "I think it's a great idea! When can I help you choose a puppy to buy?"

To God - From The Dog

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are laps.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not throw up in the car.
11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

One Flaw In Women

ONE FLAW IN WOMEN
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's
too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested."I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think,she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into
this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children exceland cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much
they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.