Smart

SMART
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I
am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?'"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Sania Mirza

SANIA MIRZA
Kashti toofan se nikal sakti hai,
Taqdeer kisi bhi waqt badal sakti hai,
Hausla rakh, channel na badal,
SANIA MIRZA kisi bhi waqt Jhuk sakti hai

Top 5 TV Programmes

TOP 5 TV PROGRAMMES
1 . Kaun marega Crore phuddi
2. Phuddi jaise koi nahin
3. Kabhi tho lega
4. Kahani lun- lun ki....
5. Ek mahal ho mommo ka..

Pussy

PUSSY
Pussy Pussy don't go far
Let me rub you in Shalwaar,
Up above the legs so high,
Always juicy never dry,
Let me fuck you don't feel shy,
Come on baby, just one try.

Chaddi

CHADDI
Paro aur chandramukhi ka noor aap pe barse,
har koi aapke sath sone ko tarse,
aapke jeevan me aayain itni larkiyan,
kay aap CHADDI pahen nay ko tarsain.

Find Out

FIND OUT
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 48 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 48 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed...

One Cookie

ONE COOKIE
Mary: Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie, but you have to buy whole bag to get one?
Jill: Right! Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you have to buy the whole box of a dozen!
Mary: And the hotel charges for the whole night when you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!

Islamo Terrorist Version Of Tokyo Rose

ISLAMO -TERRORIST VERSION OF TOKYO ROSE
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy
fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No," answers the other. "It's just CNN!

Green Wax

GREEN WAX
The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"
Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

Marine In Iraq

MARINE IN IRAQ
This is the guy who played the marine drill seagent in "Full Metal Jacket" a great, great movie if you haven't seen it.
So, for your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey at his first press conference. The main topic of discussion is the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death. We pick up as the reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image in the world:
Ermey: "WHAT KIND OF A PANSY-ASSED QUESTION IS THAT?"
Reporter 1: "Well I think...."
Ermey: "THINK, FANCY BOY?! GET THIS THROUGH THAT SEPTIC TANK ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDERS, MORON: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU
THINK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? THAT MARINE SHOT AN ENEMY COMBATANT, SHITHEAD; SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!! NEXT QUESTION: YOU IN THE BLUE SUIT.
Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is important?
Ermey: "OH SURE! YOU DON'T KNOW THE TIMES I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SOME GODDAMNED FRENCH PANSY THINKS! OH THE DAYS I HAVE HAD TO WEEP BECAUSE SOME SHIT EATING TERRORIST FUCKER MIGHT BE MAD AT US, BECAUSE WE WENT INTO WHATEVER GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE SHIT THAT HE LIVES IN AND KILLED HIM. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS?? WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY
ASS IN A THIMBLE!! YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE "SENSITIVE" TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT,THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK ON MAMMA'S TIT!! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT?? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!! NEXT QUESTION: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE. LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS HIDEOUS."
Reporter 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by . . . "
Ermey: "FREEDOM?? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION!! WHAT IN THE HELL
HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE SHIT-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT
I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMBNUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC, ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROP HONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKEN-SHIT PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!"
Reporter 3: "I . . . "
Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, NUMBNUTS? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY-HOLE IN THAT SHIT-PILE YOU
CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

Forty Five Ways To Leave Your Lover

FORTY FIVE WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
Two decades ago, Paul Simon announced their existence to the world. Forty five (45) ways to leave your lover. But Paul, either out of possessiveness or sheer ignorance, did not list them all; he merely repeated the same five ways over and over in his song. And one was, "you don't need to be coy, Roy," which isn't even a way so much as a really bad rhyme.
Until now, we've had to take the other forty ways on faith. The wait is over. After much investigation, here are The Other Forty....
Let's remember the five "ways" Paul already gave us:
(1) Slip out the back, Jack
(2) Make a new plan, Stan
(3) You don't
need to be coy, Roy
(4) Hop on the bus, Gus
(5) Drop off the key, Lee
Now, the rest:
(6) Hop on your cycle, Michael
(7) Flag down a cabbie, Abby
(8) Ride off in your Porsche, Portia
(9) Ask to be free more, Seymour
(10) Say you need space, Grace
(11) Send a facsimile, Emily
(12) Send her to Paris, Harris
(13) Put her on the spot, Scott
(14) Mention your spouse, Klaus
(15) Tell her you're gay, Ray
(16) Tell her you're straight, Kate
(17) Take back the diamond, Simon
(18) Give the ususal spiel, Neil
(19) Wish him death, Beth
(20) Call her a (very bad name to call a
woman), Rich
(21) Hire a hit man, Rip Van
(22) Just be yourself, Dick
(23) Throw her off a bridge, Etheridge
(24) Sweep her under a rug, Doug
(25) Give him salmonella, Priscilla
(26) Fit her for concrete pants, Lance
(27) Hire a hit man, Rip van
(28) Toss her in the bay, Dre
(29) Give her the scoop, Snoop
(30) Bury her under the floorboards, Edgar
(31) Make him fret, Juliet
(32) Kick him in the spleen, Nadine
(33) Tell her you just chillin', Dylan
(34) Mention your V.D., Edie
(35) Use your auto, Otto
(36) Give her "Boo, hisses!," Ulysses
(37) Be open & honest to her about how, although
you love her, you think you need some time apart to grow and find out how you really feel, Shaquille
(38) Maybe a Winchester, Esther?
(39) Let it get all messy, Jessie
(40) Kick him in the melon, Helen
(41) Hop on a plane, Jane
(42) Give two weeks notice, Otis
(43) Start wearing a skirt, Bert
(44) Strap yer hands 'cross my engines, Wendy
(45) Move to Uganda, Wanda

Finger

FINGER
Touch it gently ..
Put your finger inside..
If hole is big put three fingers....
Rub it up & down gently...
.........................................that's the right way of
washing the drinking glass!!!

Suicide Of Disagreement

SUICIDE OF DISAGREEMENT
A talking Frog told Lalu, Lalu, you don't have any brain.
Lalu said, I have it.
Frog repeated, No you don't.
Excited Lalu yelled, Yes, I have it.
Angry Frog, screamed, No hell, you don't. and Frog jumps into the water.
Perturbed Lalu mumbled to himself, There was no need to drown and commit suicide for it!!

How Men Think

HOW MEN THINK
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's
monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked".

Shower

SHOWER
Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and you are a flower,
ghour farmaiega I am a dog and you are a flower,
so let me lift my leg and give you a shower!

The Top 16 Lines You'll Never Hear In A Western

THE TOP 16 LINES YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN A WESTERN
16 "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
15 "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
14 "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."
13 "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
12 "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
11 "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
10
"I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight."
9 "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
8 "Who let the dogies out?"
7 "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
6 "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
5 "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
4 "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
3 "Dammit, Jake, yer an enabler!"
2 "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
and the number 1 Line You'll NEVER Hear in a Western...
1
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

SMS

SMS
---> Dar dar bhatakte hai arman ki tarha,
Har koi milta hai anjaan ki tarha,
Iss duniya se khushi ki aas kya rakhna,
Yahan to gham bhi dete hai ehsaan ki tarha,
---> Uthetay hai jab ye haath dua ko,
Rab se tere liye hi faryaad karte hain,
Tum humain bhula bhi do to kya,
Hum to tumhe har pal yaad karte hain.
---> Apne aaghaz se ajj tak zindagi teri hi yaad mein gum hi rahi...
Phir bhi jaane kyu ye ehsaas hai Jaise chahat meri kam hi rahi !
---> Tujhe dekhe bina teri tasweer bana sakta hoon,
Tujhse mile bina tera haal bata sakta
hoon,
Hai mere pyar mein itna dum,
Teri aankh ka aansoon aapni aankh se gira sakta hoon.
---> Tere Pyar ne zindagi se pehchaan karai hai,
Mujhe wo toofano se phir lauta ke laayi hai,
Bas itni hi dua karte hain khuda se hum,
Bujhe na yeh shama kabhi jo humne jalai hai.
---> Dharkano ko sunkar bhi tumhe pyaar ki khabar nahi hoti...
Kya mahsoos karoge tum dil ka dard, dil tutne ki to awaz bhi nahi hoti.
---> Phoolo se poocho is main singhar kitna hai?
Mere dil se poocho is main pyar kitna hai?
Saye ki tarha tumhara pyaar saath rehta hai...
Tumhare saath guzra hua har lamha yaad rehta hai.

Silencer

SILENCER
Why man does not make whistling sound while passing urine like woman ?
-- 'coz god has given him 6 inch long SILENCER !

Feeling Sick

FEELING SICK
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes
over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Audi Quattro

AUDI QUATTRO
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
An Italian customs officer stops them: "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro means four!" answers the customs officer.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" shouts the German...
"Look at ze dam paperz : Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" answers the Italian.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
The German driver gets
angry and yells "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
"Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea ... He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Dil Ki Aawaz

DIL KI AAWAZ
Tanhaiyon mein unhe yaad karte hain,
Woh salamat rahe yeh fariyaad karte hain,
Unhi ki shayari ka intezaar karte hain,
Unhe kya pata hum unse kitna pyaar karte hai.
Unko hum kya saza dain jisne mohhabat mein mera dil tor diya,
Gunaah to humne kiya jo unki baaton ko mohhabat samajh liya.
Kitna baybas hai insaan apni kismat ke aage,
Kitna benoor hai sapna haqeeqat ke aage,
Koi ruki hui dharkan se pooche ,
Kitna tarapta hai dil mohhabbat ke aage.
Kaash kaanch banane wale ne dil kaanch ka banaya hota,
Torne wale ke haath par zakhm
to aaya hota.

Like This

LIKE THIS
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Sleeping Pills

SLEEPING PILLS
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

Recharge Your Phone

RECHARGE YOUR PHONE
Recharge your phone every month freely by following this process
Please follow the instruction & you can recharge your SIM card absolutely free. Yes it is possible , see how technology can be used to make technicians fool.
I just got a mail from a friend of mine , whose friend is B.Tech.(ETC) from IIT Powai , teaching me how to reload my hand set every month for free. Engineered by a group of rebel programmers. I am going to share this to all of you.
Please follow the instructions as stated below before you start it:
Applicable for ORANGE (HUTCH) , AIRTEL , SPICE & BSNL users only , sorry for idea , BPL and Reliance users and it is done illegally of course.
But there are many things that are illegal in this world. But then who cares. Don't worry nobody can trap you. No legal action can be taken on you for this. So go ahead without worrying.
You can only do this every 24th & 25th of the month as the network system is under upgrade.
1.) ** Dial " 1415007 " using your h/phone and wait for 5 second
2.) ** after 5 second , you will hear some funny noise (like sound from TV when the station is finished)
3.) ** Once the noise stop , immediately dial 9151 follow by your phone number
4.) ** A recorded message "please insert your pin number" will follow
5.) ** punch in the pin number " 011785 45227 00734" and wait for the operator finish repeating the above pin number.
6.) ** After the pin number has been repeat , dial " 0405-for AIRTEL , 404 -for ORANGE (HUTCH)" . 403 -for BSNL"
7.) ** you will hear a message "for air time top-up press 1723" you just have
to follow the instruction
8.) ** After you follow the instruction , the noisy sound will re-appear for about 5 second
9.) ** once the noise stop , dial " 4455147 " follow by " 146 "
10.) ** after about 5 second , dial " 1918 " after 3 second dial " 4451 "
11.) ** after you done that , punch in the serial number " 01174452271145527 " you will hear dial tone.
12.) ** once the dialing tone stop , dial " 55524785933 " you will hear " please key in your password"
13.) ** the password is " **** 2+253+7891*+ 546322 " wait for the message "your password accepted"
14.) ** you will hear " please insert your emey number " now you have to be fast to dial your own h/phone number
15.) ** you will hear a dialing tone , when the call is answered , dial " 1566 " and you will hear "re-confirm emery number"
16.) ** once you hear that message , dial " 6011556 2245334 follow by your h/phone number"
17.) ** after a while ,
you will hear a message "your pin number is accepted" you have to dial " 1007 "
18.) ** after you done that you will hear "your emery number is accepted"
19.) ** continue dial " 4566 " you will hear "your password is accepted"
20.) ** once the second message finish , immediately dial your own h/phone number
21.) ** Now you will receive a message saying ...........
********
*******
******
****
***
**
*
"NOTHING IS FREE IN THIS WORLD , . SO, GET BACK TO WORK AND DON'T WASTE TIME !!"

Life Ki Ringtone

LIFE KI RINGTONE
Gam ko karo delete,
Khushi ko karo save,
Rishto ko karo recharge,
Dosti ko karo download,
Dushmani ko karo erase,
Such ko karo broadcast,
Jhooth ko karo switch off,
Tenssion ko karo not reachable,
Pyar ki karo incoming on,
Nafrat ki karo outgoing off,
Language ko karo control,
Hassi ka karo outbox full,
Aansu ka karo inbox khaali,
Gusse ko karo hold,
Muskan ko karo send,
Help ko karo
ok,
Self ko karo autolock.
Dil ko karo vibrate,
Phir dekho life ki ringtone kitni
Madhur mithee Ho Jayegee !!!

Sweatshirt

SWEATSHIRT
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

Long Thing

LONG THING
What is the long thing that has a hole at the tip & being inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole and can make you feel better ?
....... VICKS INHALER !
- nai re
Lund

Happiest Woman

HAPPIEST WOMAN
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Doosra

DOOSRA
Boy: "Pura andar gaya ?"
Madam: "Haan gaya.."
Boy: "Dard hua kya ?"
Madam: "Bahut hua"
Boy: "Chalo doosra sandal try kartay hain madam! "

Kyon

KYON
Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KA
Deti ho to kharra ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KA
Kyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.

A Prayer

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Magician

MAGICIAN
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of
wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

My Friend Circle

MY FRIEND CIRCLE
Lallo Prasad Yadav came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Rabri, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Rabri snapped.

Pakistani Politics

PAKISTANI POLITICS
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING STUFF... ...
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY... IN FACT…
IT'S PROBABLY CLOSE TO REALITY

Walk The Beat

WALK THE BEAT
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning
after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards
the station house.
Ten minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Fifteen minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Twenty minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty five minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's penis in his mouth.

Welcome To The Banana Republic Of South Africa

WELCOME TO THE BANANA REPUBLIC OF SOUTH AFRICA
South African health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang tells those with HIV to eat garlic and beetroot.
The former deputy president, Jacob Zuma told the Johannesburg High Court that he took a shower - after having sex with the HIV-positive complainant without a condom - as he believed this minimised his risk of contracting the disease.
"Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer" - Minister of Minerals and Energy Buyelwa Sonjica unveiling a 10-point plan to encourage South Africans to change their electricity usage habits.
"It is one of the things that would make it (the tournament) a success because we hear of many rapes, because people don't have
access to them (women)" - ANC MP George Lekgetho on the benefits of legalizing prostitution for the 2010 world cup.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. To be cured from aids, eat garlic and beetroot. If you don't want aids, take a shower, and all we have to do to stop the electricity crisis is to go to bed early so we can be cleverer and rapes only occur because people don't have access to prostitutes.
Sleep tight South Africa. Your government has everything under control.

Two Friends

TWO FRIENDS
Two friends decided to join a nudist club.
One was 6 1/2 feet tall, and the other was 5 1/2 feet tall.
But they were soon asked to leave the club as one was always sticking his nose in other peoples business and the other was always sticking his business in other peoples noses !

Very Bad Week

VERY BAD WEEK
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on
vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!"
"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."

African Penis

AFRICAN PENIS
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

Men And Women, Celeb-Style

MEN AND WOMEN, CELEB-STYLE
Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to 'rip out a man's genitals through his wallet'. -Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful. -Robert De Niro
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and don't want it. -Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Hugh Grant
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the General has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne
Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Dustin Hoffman
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elizabeth Taylor
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams

Ram Sita

RAM SITA
Dost: "Tumhari toh RAM - SITA ki jorri lagti hai.
Man: "Bilkul Galat hai: Naa to koi meri biwi ko utha ke le jaata hai, naa hi ye dharti me samaati hai!"

Santa Banta

SANTA BANTA
----> Santa asks: Who are you?
Wife: How dare you forget your wife?
Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai
----> Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,
Banta asks: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto?
Santa: Can't you read 'Parking for two wheelers only'
----> Santa: Doctor, ye phoolon ki mala kis ke liye?
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye.
----> Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke parh to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To
phir theek hai doc saab varna Anparh aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
----> Santa: Raat film main ek churrail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere peechhe ghoom rahi thi...
Jeeto: Koun si film thi ?
Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !
----> Santa joined NASA.
After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA
----> Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv You kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
----> Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne ke kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
----> Santa: Today is Sunday
& I wanna enjoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
----> Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
----> Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khare ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
----> A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
----> At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
----> In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
----> Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night.
He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
----> Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage barrho Santa aage nahin barrha
Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin barrhay?
Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage barrho, mein 10 wain number pe tha
----> Banta: Yaar teri wife ki maut ka bara afsos hua, vaise hua kya tha?
Santa: Goli lagi thi mathe main.
Banta: Waheguru ji kay shukar kar ke aankh bach gayi.
----> Santa apni khoobsurat Bibi kay saath
car mein baitha. Driver ne sheesha set kiya.
Santa gusse mein bola, meri bibi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith, car mein chalaoonga!
----> Santa: tainu Sunny Deol da phone no pata hai...?
Banta: Nahin, kyon ki hoya?
Santa: Yaaar asi Nalka patauna si.
----> Banta: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!
----> Sadhu: Bachaa teri biwi ko churrail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.
Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein harj hi kya hai ?
----> Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next
to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
----> Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.
Santa: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi ...!
----> Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.
Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai
----> Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Santa: Oye tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji larki ja rahi ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI
----> Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.
Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'
----> Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane
waala tha, kya hua?
Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thori tabiyat kharab hai.
----> Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappar marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
----> Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who are you?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
----> Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga doon?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

The Plumber On Run

THE PLUMBER ON RUN
A man knocked the door of house. The lady opened the door.
The man said, "I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe."
The Lady said, "We don't have any leaky pipe here."
The plumber on run, says, "My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren't you Mrs. Malik?"
The Lady says, "No, Maliks moved away about a year back from this house. We are Chaudhrys."
The plumber grimaces, "What kind of people are they, Calls for an Emergency repair and then move away."

Ten Thoughts To Ponder For 2008

TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER FOR 2008
----> Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
----> Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
----> Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
----> Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
----> Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
----> Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
----> Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
----> Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
----> Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
----> And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions
of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

Fainted

FAINTED
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

6 Truths Of Life

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an
idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

Dream

DREAM
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and said, "You wouldn't believe the dream I had."
The woman said, "Well, go on, tell me."
So the husband told her, "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."
The wife said, "That sounds more like a nightmare."
The husband said, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

Tired Of Job

TIRED OF JOB
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Frozen Turkey

FROZEN TURKEY
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I
looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

It's That Time Again

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN
Welcome to Hurricane Season Floridians (or those who know a Floridian).....
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Maine and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Maine.
Unfortunately, if your home is
located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in
Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be
lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

Golf Club

GOLF CLUB
A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer but the bartender refuses to serve him.
"Why not," asks the club.
"Because," he says, "you're the designated driver."

Latest Polling Shows

LATEST POLLING SHOWS
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"

Housing Complaints

HOUSING COMPLAINTS
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations.
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back-fired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to
mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send
someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
18. He has a huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cannot take it any more.

Stress Management Technique

STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
8.
See. You're smiling already.

The Top 15 Professional Ways To Say "I Have A Headache"

THE TOP 15 PROFESSIONAL WAYS TO SAY, "I HAVE A HEADACHE"
15) Fundraiser: "I'm afraid you're going to fall short of your goal tonight."
14) Minister: "Sometimes it's better to neither give nor receive. This is one of those times."
13) Magician: "Would you settle for a little sleight of hand.?"
12) Loan officer: "My interest rate has dropped significantly."
11) FEMA official: "I'll be there to help you right away."
10) Psychologist: "Why do you think you want to make love?"
9) CEO: "I have no interest whatsoever in merging our assets."
8) Dentist: "It doesn't look like we'll be filling any cavities tonight. Nor
will we be debating spitting versus swallowing, either."
7) Taxidermist: "I won't be able to mount your beaver tonight."
6) Air traffic controller: "You're going to have to land that baby on instruments."
5) Bookstore clerk: "I believe you'll find what you're looking for in the self-help section."
4) Judge: "Erection overruled."
3) Flight attendant: "I'm sorry, sir, but you're going to have to store that."
2) Drug dealer: "You'll have to get that blow somewhere else."
and Number 1 Professional Way to Say, "I Have a Headache"...
1) Drill sergeant: "At ease, privates!"

The Kaola And The Lizard

THE KAOLA AND THE LIZARD
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile
that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

One Wish

ONE WISH
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the fucking map again."

Heart Warming Sight

HEART WARMING SIGHT
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.
My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse to see if he was still alive."

Blind Shopping Trip

BLIND SHOPPING TRIP
This blind guy walked into a Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.
A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with anything?"
"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

Advice

ADVICE
Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Men Are Just Happier People

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be President.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress, $5,000. Tux rental, $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You
can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
*
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier

Storming Row

STORMING ROW
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Exhausted

EXHAUSTED
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

Newspaper Ad

NEWSPAPER AD
The following is an ad is supposedly from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because
of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice:
I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Lesbians

LESBIANS
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
...A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?....
...A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
....Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
....Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
....Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?
....A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long
fingers?
....Well Hung.
8. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
....Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
9. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
....One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

Sleep With Angelina Jolie

SLEEP WITH ANGELINA JOLIE
"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.
"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"

Hotel

HOTEL
Mary Sue was visiting the big city for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV --
there's not even a BED!"
"Ma'am, this is the elevator."

Murphy's Laws Of Computing

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
* The number one cause of computer problems is
computer solutions.
* A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Oops

OOPS
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
At the next bed the patient has his feet and hands strapped to the bed. he's biting hard on a wooden spoon and his eyes are bulging out of his head.
"Nurse," asks
the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH SHIT!" replied the nurse.

Saved

SAVED
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, " And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

Polish The Car

POLISH THE CAR
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his secretary for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."

Grabbing Nose

GRABBING NOSE
One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"

Computer Challenge

COMPUTER CHALLENGE
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some
genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus
saves."

The Flying Blondes

THE FLYING BLONDES
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says. "We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says. "We just lost another engine but it's all right. We have two more. It will take us another half hour though."
One of the blondes says. "If we lose the two last engines, we will be up here all day?"

Airline Industry

AIRLINE INDUSTRY
People in the airline industry aren't all serious...
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher
of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Love Me

LOVE ME
Husband: "But you're supposed to love me no matter what."
Wife: "You must have me confused with Jesus."

Types Of Pussy

TYPES OF PUSSY
1) Expensive Pussy:
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.
2) Cheap Pussy:
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but
shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3) Hired Pussy:
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
4) Virgin Pussy:
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause
"accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5) Nympho Pussy:
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
6) Frigid Pussy:
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration) .
Advantages: There
are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
7) Innocent Nympho Pussy:
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8) Party Pussy:
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to
better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
9) Nutsy Pussy:
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it

Third Wish

THIRD WISH
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his
wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Baggers

BAGGERS
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."

How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR PARENTHOOD
---> MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
---> TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available,you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
---> GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the
grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
---> DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
---> FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
---> NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
---> PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
---> PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
---> FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest
many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

Weird Creature

WEIRD CREATURE
A weird creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce.
"I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe."
The sun was terribly hot. Soon her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!
Have you ever seen... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

The Substitute Organist

THE SUBSTITUTE ORGANIST
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Bomb

BOMB
Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a
plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Letter From Son

LETTER FROM SON
Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

Unbreakable

UNBREAKABLE
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE". However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable?"
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece
and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care
with *it* as you did with yours!"

A 96 Year Old's Letter To The Bank

A 96-YEAR-OLD'S LETTER TO THE BANK
Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times..
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing
payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement..
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year..
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman.)

A Biker

A BIKER
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this
lot."
The old lady suggested , "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

All Lawyers Are Assholes

ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.
All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"

Country Lane

COUNTRY LANE
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Phone Your Lawyer

PHONE YOUR LAWYER
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
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Adultery

ADULTERY
The whole world dies and an endless line waits to get into heaven. Suddenly there's a loud roar from the front of the line. A man in the back calls out, "Why are they cheering?"
Somebody in front yells back, "They're not counting adultery!"

Geriatric Wedding

GERIATRIC WEDDING
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to
the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

Life Cycle Backwards

LIFE CYCLE BACKWARDS
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an
orgasm.

British Empire

BRITISH EMPIRE
At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"
The older man huffs a bit and replies, "Really damned decent of at least some of you youngsters to take in interest in what we old duffers have to say. What would you like to know?"
"Well, sir, perhaps you could tell me the most exciting thing that ever happened to you."
"The most exciting thing, eh. I suppose that would be the time I got separated from my regiment in the Khyber Pass and had to go on foot in
search of them. About the third day, I came around a bend in the trail to come face to face at close range with huge tiger. Just as I saw him, he reared on his hind legs and went 'RROWWWR!!' By Jove, I fouled my britches!"
"I would too, sir, if I were suddenly faced by a tiger like that."
"No, no. Not then, just now when I went RROWWWR!"