Old Lady

OLD LADY
The doctor's waiting room was packed with patients.
After about two hours of waiting and waiting, an old lady stood up and said, "Tell the doc I went home to die a natural death!"

Backside So Large

BACKSIDE SO LARGE
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon. When asked what they would like done, Max replies, "It's her tuchas, doctor, her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around it."
"So," says the doctor, "you would like me to perform a tuchas reduction?"
"No, no," replies Max, "I need a hand enlargement."

Our Baby's Name

OUR BABY'S NAME
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead, he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"

Idiots

IDIOTS
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Brimingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power stripBack into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy
with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he rep lied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
they walk among us ... AND REPRODUCE!!!

Stairway To Heaven

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing hysterically.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn’t even tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first one."

Cherry Tree

CHERRY TREE
Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Falling Blind

FALLING BLIND
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note that said, "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

Signed

SIGNED
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Student: "On the bottom!"

Condoms

CONDOMS
Nike Condoms:
~ Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:
~ Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:
~ You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:
~ Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms:
~ The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:
~ Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms:
~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom:
~ It does more, it costs less, it's that's simple.
Ford Condoms:
~ The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms:
~ Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms:
~ Go home happy.
Dial Condoms:
~ Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms:
~ Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms:
~ Who's next?
Subway condoms:
~ The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms:
~ Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms:
~ Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:
~ Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms:
~ Good to the
last drop.
Lays Condoms:
~ Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms:
~ Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms:
~ We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms:
~ Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms:
~ No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms:
~ The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms:
~ Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms:
~ It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom:
~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms:
~ Get some;
make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms:
~ For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms:
~ Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms:
~ Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom:
~ One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom:
~ To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms:
~ Friends fly free
Pakistan International Airlines condoms:
~ Pain in the ass

Independence Day

INDEPENDENCE DAY
The Americans celebrated their Independence Day. A world-famous artist had been commissioned to paint a fresco that would depict the glorious 200-year history of the USA. When the cloth was pulled off the 100 ft by 10 ft artwork an evil silence fell to the crowd. The fresco depicted a prairy, in the middle of which steamed a huge pile of dung. The scene was otherwise filled with romping Indians.
In the name of US democracy the artist was allowed three minutes to explain himself.
"Surely you all remember General Custer's last words", the artist began: "Holy shit! Fucking Indians all over!"

Drunk

DRUNK
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Famous Sexual Quotes

FAMOUS SEXUAL QUOTES
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams

How To Catch A Lion

HOW TO CATCH A LION
Ø Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
Ø Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
Ø Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Ø Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and inter! rogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.
Ø
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Ø Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Ø Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Ø Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd
lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness(third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont !
Ø Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Ø Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Ø Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
Ø George Bush method:
Link the lion with Osama Bbin Laden and shoot him!!!
Ø Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.
Ø Asif Ali Zardari method:
You are too beautiful, I want to gug you.

Got To Love Tennessee

GOT TO LOVE TENNESSEE
---> A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
---> How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
---> How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
---> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
---> What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in
Tennessee?
Documentaries.
---> Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
---> An Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
---> Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
---> The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
---> A new law was recently passed in Tennesee. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Torrid Honeymoon

TORRID HONEYMOON
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant.
After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. He looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like, honey?"
"Well, sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"

Beautician

BEAUTICIAN
The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"
"Maybe," replied beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"

What Boys Really Think About Girls

WHAT BOYS REALLY THINK ABOUT GIRLS (ITS THE BURNING TRUTH)
1) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
2) What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
3) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbour's wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out
4) Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

God & TV Commercials

GOD & TV COMMERCIALS
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down......
* God is like...
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
* God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
* God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.
* God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
* God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
* God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
* God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.
* God is like..
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.
* God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
* God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
* God is
like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
* God is like...
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
* God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
* God is like...
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

Mens Answers

MENS ANSWERS
Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Questions ... But Never Will.
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that damn ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.

Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22.How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37 Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Always

ALWAYS
This is an actual letter from an Austin , Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'?
I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull --
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

In The Plane

IN THE PLANE
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"
"This is great....." (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
detector."

Write In Candidate

WRITE-IN CANDIDATE
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers
on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will
be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in
November.
Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

Darwin Awards 2008

DARWIN AWARDS - 2008
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet
of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.. The shop was
full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they
knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators
say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit Happens'.

I Won, I Won

I WON, I WON....
Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"
Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"
A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"
Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this
weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"
The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall.
One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"
Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out?
Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"
The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!"
Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it . . . .....and I won another ten grand!"

A Heightened State Of Alert

A HEIGHTENED STATE OF ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to" A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the
old Spanish navy.

Warning

WARNING
Q: What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"?
A: Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain a computer virus!
Q: What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"?
A: Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!

Hoard

HOARD
A prostitute walked into a bank and approached the teller with a bag of silver dollars. She emptied it out on the counter and the teller exclaimed, "My goodness, did you hoard these silver dollars all by yourself?"
"Oh, no!", she replied. "My sister whored half of them."

Horse

HORSE A little truck driver was driving when he saw a sign on a farmer's gate post that read "$100.00 to anyone that can make my horse shake his head no." He stops and goes to the farmer and says, "I can make your horse shake his head no." "Well," says the farmer, "No one has ever been able to do it before so have a go." The driver picks up two flat rocks, moves to his rear end and slams the horse's nuts between the rocks. Then he whispers into the horses ear. The horse shakes his head from side to side, No! The little driver goes into the farmer and says, "Well, I made him shake his head no. Give me my $100.00." The farmer pays the wee chap and asks, "What did you say to him?" The little guy says, "I just asked him if he wanted me to do it again."

Q's & A's

Q's & A's

This may be a repeat to most of them, but worth reading again... Presence of mind helps to get a feather in your cap, see the below Q's and A's.
Not only our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of mind and the right answer at right time. Even if u don't know the answer for a question just confuse the questioner
Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry they are IAS Officers now.
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A :Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"
The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!" "How" the interviewer asked. "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
He was selected for IIM!

Sexual Geography

SEXUAL GEOGRAPHY WOMAN'S SEXUAL GEOGRAPHY
* Between 18 & 20 a woman is like Africa,
half discovered and half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
* Between 21 & 30 a woman is like America,
well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
* Between 31 & 35 she is like India,
very hot relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
* Between 36 & 40 a woman is like France,
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
* Between 41 & 50 she is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war - haunted by past mistakes, massive reconstruction is now necessary.
* Between 51 & 60 she is like Russia,
very wild and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
* Between 61 & 70 a woman is like Mangolia,
with glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
* After 70, they become Afghanistan,
most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

MAN'S SEXUAL GEOGRAPHY
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Double Wedding

DOUBLE WEDDING Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives. Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night." "Well, really," says Bob. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"
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Colosseum

COLOSSEUM Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the Colosseum. "Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the lions." "But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee. "Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.

Postal Service

POSTAL SERVICE
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service.
Time was,you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its destination in two days.
Now you put a thirty-seven-cent stamp on a letter and it can take four to five weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!

Subtitle

SUBTITLE
These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong
- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep
- Gun wounds again ! Fall down stupid white person.
- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin, no kissing.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken wings!
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- You always use violence. I
should've ordered glutinous rice chicken
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- You daring lousy guy with bad breath.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!
- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected
- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do you feel so cold?
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your man parts and leave them out on the dessert for your aunts to eat.
- Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough extermination.
- Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
- Our tong is bigger than your tong!
- No karate kicks be allowed on Shabbos.

Look On The Bright Side

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
For those of you out there who are bald, look on the bright side.
At least you don't have to shampoo your hair any more.

Tight Dress

TIGHT DRESS
Linda: That dress is too tight for you. It's skintight!
Jill: It's tighter than my skin.
Linda: How could anything be tighter than your skin?
Jill: I can sit down in my skin, but I can't in this dress.

It Means

IT MEANS....
* {IRS}: Tax Bracket
* Arcade: A beverage invented by Noah.
* Laundromats: Where patrons are taken to the cleaners.
* Haiku: Signal to center from a Japanese quarterback
* Cardiac Arrest: To be taken into custody for auto theft
* Band-Aid: Fund for needy musicians
* Beatnik: Santa on the day after Christmas.
* Beleagured: Stuck in the semipros
* Hypertonic: Turkish coffee
* Bathroom Graffiti: The handwriting on the stall
* Briefly: Summary of the short life of an insect
* Hermit: Girl's baseball
glove
* Bergers Disease: Illness caused by eating too much fast foods
* Baroque: French for "I have no money"
* Boardroom: Lumber Warehouse
* Windbag: a person who's hard of listening

Sports Fan

SPORTS FAN
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just a turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.
"You Know" he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime"

Pregnant

PREGNANT
A young lass confesses to her mother that she's pregnant.
Following the initial bawling-out, the mother calms down and asks, "Well, is he going to do the 'right' thing?"
"Of course, mom!" replied the daughter. "He says I can keep the baby."

In A Bar

IN A BAR
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote
down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar-tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week."
He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't
embarrass me any- more!"

Aussie

AUSSIE
A young Aussie joins the navy.
On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know."
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port.
The father was on the dock waiting for his son.
The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.
"Well on, how did it go?"
"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he
was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling, "THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"

Job Application

JOB APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Tesco's......... They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:.... Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:...... Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY:...... £2,585,000 a year plus stock options and a John Prescott severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:..... Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:...... Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:..... A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:...... My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:.......... It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:.......... Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:...........1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:.......... Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: .......If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:......... Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:............. I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:........... I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest fortune, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:............... On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: .......Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread Actually, I'd like to be doing that now
NEAREST RELATIVE.......... 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:......... Oh yes, absolutely. he got the job!!!!

Jewish Wife

JEWISH WIFE The Jewish wife makes the suit selections from the rack. The husband tries them on. The wife and the salesman discuss the fit, remarking on the fullness, thinness or any asymmetry of the husband's body. The jacket and pants are pulled, tucked, pleated and bunched in assessing the need for tailoring. Once
a suit is chosen, the wife and the store's tailor repeat the fitting procedure and then negotiate a date when the suit will be ready. On leaving the store, the husband may talk if he wishes.

Lucky

LUCKY Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!" A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!" The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time
at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!" The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it ...... and I won another ten grand!"

Check Up

CHECKUP A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup." Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear." So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years. Dr Levine tells her to get
undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out. The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99" She says "99" "I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99" She says "99" Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also. "We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups." He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99" She says, "one, two, three....... ..."

Breakoff Engagement

BREAKOFF ENGAGEMENT Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked. "Not on her best day." Hank replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked. "No, she's broke." "Well then, is it sex?" "Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?" "She can sue me for child support!"

Violinist

VIOLINIST A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin." His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Six Holes

SIX HOLES While traveling in West Virginia a man noticed an old gentleman standing in his front yard with a shovel in his hand wiping the sweat from his brow crying.
Concerned, the man stopped and asked him what was wrong. "I just got finished burying Old Blue. The best old coon dog I ever had" he sobbed.
Looking around at 6 holes dug the man asked him why he had to dig 6 holes to bury one dog.
He said "Boy, don't you know nuthin'? The first 5 holes were too small".

First Date

FIRST DATE A boy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "Nooo," the girl said. "You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

Urgent Bulletin

**URGENT BULLETIN**
We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin, and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin!

Best Plan Yet

BEST PLAN YET This idea sounds just crazy enough to possibly work, so naturally it won't be given serious consideration. How great is our bureaucracy!! Hi Pals, I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a 'We Deserve It' Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our
population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It' Dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college
- it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it... instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout,
let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve the Dividend more than the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my
chest. Kindest personal regards, Birk
T. J . Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

Lucky

LUCKY A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey John, how about a beer." John replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky." "Why call you Lucky?" "Well, I was changing a flat tyre on the highway, when I realized I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walked away, a semi drives by and knocked
the car off the jack. It would have landed right on me." "Boy you are lucky." The next day John walks back into the bar and the bar-tender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer." "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky." "Now what happened?" "Well,
me and my old lady were having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off. The bullet got me right in the nuts." "Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?" "A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".

School 1958 Vs 2008

SCHOOL -- 1958 VS 2008 ----> Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
----> Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
----> Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
----> Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his
belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
----> Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
----> Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English. 1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
----> Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1958 - Ants
die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
----> Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.
2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at
the mirror.
4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the washing basket.
6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your
way.
7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
8. Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid,
boring, and long winded as you can make it.
10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."
11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make
for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white trainers.
14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remember when you looked good too."
18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well, the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

At A Pub

AT A PUB A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the
necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a
cheeseburger."

New Stock Market Terms

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
----> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
----> CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
----> BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
----> BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband
gets no sex.
----> VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
----> P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
----> BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
----> STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
----> STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
----> STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
----> FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
----> MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
----> CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

----> YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
----> WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
----> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
----> PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

This Year's Freshman College Students

THIS YEAR’S FRESHMAN COLLEGE STUDENTS Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.
For these students, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Ryan White, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Freddy Krueger have always been dead.
1. Harry Potter could be a classmate, playing on their Quidditch team.
2. Since they were in diapers, karaoke machines have been annoying people at parties.
3. They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.
4. GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.
5. Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.
6. Shampoo and conditioner have always been available in the same
bottle.
7. Gas stations have never fixed flats, but most serve cappuccino.
8. Their parents may have dropped them in shock when theyheard George Bush announce “tax revenue increases.”
9. Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.
10. Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene.
11. All have had a relative--or known about a friend's relative-- who died comfortably at home with Hospice.
12. As a precursor to “whatever,” they have recognized that some people “just don’t get it.”
13. Universal Studios has always offered an alternative to Mickey in Orlando.
14. Grandma has always had wheels on her walker.
15. Martha Stewart Living has always been setting the style.
16. Haagen-Dazs ice cream has always come in quarts.
17. Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.
18. WWW has never
stood for World Wide Wrestling.
19. Films have never been X rated, only NC-17.
20. The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents.
21. Students have always been "Rocking the Vote.”
22. Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court.
23. Schools have always been concerned about multiculturalism.
24. We have always known that “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”
25. There have always been gay rabbis.
26. Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.
27. College grads have always been able to Teach for America.
28. IBM has never made typewriters.
29. Roseanne Barr has never been invited to sing the National Anthem again.
30. McDonald’s and Burger King have always used vegetable oil for cooking french fries.
31. They have never been able to color a tree using a raw umber Crayola.
32. There has
always been Pearl Jam.
33. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST.
34. Pee-Wee has never been in his playhouse during the day.
35. They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium.
36. They may have been given a Nintendo Game Boy to play with in the crib.
37. Authorities have always been building a wall along the Mexican border.
38. Lenin’s name has never been on a major city in Russia.
39. Employers have always been able to do credit checks on employees.
40. Balsamic vinegar has always been available in the U.S.
41. Macaulay Culkin has always been Home Alone.
42. Their parents may have watched The American Gladiators on TV the day they were born.
43. Personal privacy has always been threatened.
44. Caller ID has always been available on phones.
45. Living wills have always been asked for at hospital check-ins.
46.
The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.
47. They never heard an attendant ask “Want me to check under the hood?”
48. Iced tea has always come in cans and bottles.
49. Soft drink refills have always been free.
50. They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about “nothing.”
51. Windows 3.0 operating system made IBM PCs user-friendly the year they were born.
52. Muscovites have always been able to buy Big Macs.
53. The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.
54. The Hubble Space Telescope has always been eavesdropping on the heavens.
55. 98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.
56. Michael Milken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.
57. Off-shore oil drilling in the United States has always been prohibited.
58. Radio stations have
never been required to present both sides of public issues.
59. There have always been charter schools.
60. Students always had Goosebumps.

Solve Financial Crisis

SOLVE FINANCIAL CRISIS Here is a 21-point plan to solve the Financial Crisis (plus 3 bonus points): 1) Kill all of the incumbents 2) Kill all of the pundits 3) Kill all of the illegal aliens 4) Tell the new congress their fate shall be the same if they don't do their fucking job. 5) Enact term limits 6) Enact line item veto 7) Bomb Iran into the stone age 8) Bomb N. Korea into the stone age 9) Ask who else wants
to fuck with us 10) Take 80% of Iraqi oil as payment for our efforts 11) Take 80% of Venezuelan oil just because 12) Build ANWAR DisneyWorld instead of drilling there 13) Stop all foreign aid (Israel will no longer need any assistance, so don't go there) 14)
Add 50% import tariff to all goods coming in 15) Build 250 new nuclear plants by 2018. Then we will stop taking Iraqi and Venezuelan oil. We won't need it anymore 16) Raise CAFE standard to 30mpg by 2012 17) Replace every bridge over 30 years old by 2015 18) #15 and #16 will yield 0% unemployment 19) Eliminate welfare. Everybody works. The poor will have construction jobs with decent pay and benefits. We will have a new middle class and no poverty. 20) Limit children to 4 per man and woman. Mandatory sterilization upon completion of that quota. 21) Men MUST pay 75% of child support or go to jail where they can help make the concrete we need to build the new bridges and nuclear plants. Bonus point #1) Deport anyone who can not learn our language by
2010 Bonus point #2) Elect Bill Cosby President and Ted Nugent Vice President Bonus point #3) Tell China that our outstanding debt has been devalued to 50 cents on the dollar. If they don't agree to those terms, we stop buying their stuff.

Whorehouse

WHOREHOUSE Doug walks out of a whorehouse and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought. "Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"

Sexy Lady

SEXY LADY A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want." The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it." Young lady said, "You can try it if you
want". Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me." They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again, nothing happened. The
young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response." The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."

Taxidermist

TAXIDERMIST
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
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Financial Crisis

FINANCIAL CRISIS The stock market was up 400 points today, or as the Democrats call it — terrible news. (Jay Leno) Finally some good news this week: The chairman of the Fed called for a do-over. We're just going to start the week over. (Jimmy Kimmel) Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don't
add up to a trillion dollars. How it's going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel. (Jimmy Kimmel) President Bush wants to bail out Wall Street. He's got a message for the incompetent exec who gambled billions of other people's money for his own folly. "Mirror, mirror on the wall…" (Alan Ray) Wall Street is complaining that Congress is too slow to pass their bailout plan. It's especially agonizing for investment bankers to wait this long when it only took Wall Street a couple of days to ruin the whole economy. (Jake Novak) Wall Street investors seek a bailout from the taxpayer. You can tell CEO's for major firms are hurting financially. At martini lunches now, they request the house gin. (Alan Ray) Economy experts are skeptical about giving Henry Paulson $700 billion and so much responsibility when he wasn't even elected by the people. But didn't we give an entire country and a lot more responsibility to someone that wasn't elected by the people either? (Pedro Bartes) More bad news today, from President Bush: Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. (Jay Leno) Barack Obama said Friday there shouldn't be a bailout for Wall Street unless ordinary Americans also get help. He said he wants everyone to get a check for one thousand dollars. Everybody's excited because it's just enough for a low down payment. (Argus Hamilton) McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank. (Jimmy Kimmel) Considering as how the proposed Wall Street bailout will be one of the most intensely lobbied efforts in American history, will
there be anyone left to manage John McCain's campaign? (Paul Benoit) Wall Street seeks a taxpayer bailout. The market crash is hurting investment firm CEO's in the wallet. To save money on their commutes, many of them now Lamborghini pool. (Alan Ray) By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to scuttle the Bush "Bailout Plan," John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel) The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it's called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel) Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak) An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e- mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, "Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control." (Conan
O'Brien) Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It's like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes) A lot of Americans are ticked because the $700 billion stock market bailout helps Wall Street and hurts Main Street while the CEO's who caused the mess are living on Easy Street. (Patrick Gorse) President Bush addressed the nation on the economic crisis. He admits the bailout figure is astronomical. He hasn't seen that many zeroes since his 6th grade report
card. (Alan Ray) The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?" (Conan O'Brien) And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bail-out plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, "Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years." (Jay Leno) Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a
trip to Alabama. Bush said, "Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country." (Conan O'Brien)

Twins

TWINS
Already the father of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.
"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

Essay Deadline

ESSAY DEADLINE
Her professor asked the college co-ed why she didn't get her essay in by the deadline.
Her retort: "I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa."

Actual Sentences Found In Patients' Hospital Charts

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal
size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* Patient has two
teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Austin Powers Pickup Lines

AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES
* I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
* (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)..Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
* Nice legs...what time do they open?
* Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
* You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
* I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
* Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
* Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
* You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with
me.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
* Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
* If a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk indicate?
* Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea on paper. Unfortunately, my grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.
* Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.
* To keep your teeth in good shape, mind your own business.
* I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
* To get more out of a sermon, get adequate sleep - well before the sermon.
* Getting married for sex is
like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
* "Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the master of presence of mind"
* "Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce".
* Unless you're the lead dog the view seldom changes.
* The trouble with life is there's no background music.
* A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
* A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Better Than Wife

BETTER THAN WIFE
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
[Two days later]
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but *I* think your wife's a way better lay."

A Parable

A PARABLE

The little red hen story as of today . .. . . . Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.
She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?' 'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I 'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who
will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves myself.' 'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!'
picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.' 'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.' And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand the Democratic System.' But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free.
And all
the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one really cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT? Remember to vote often.

Oxymoron

OXYMORON
Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."

Presidential Election

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsman like way to settle things the candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place
on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just
spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'
Experience Counts

Sixteen Year Old In Labor

SIXTEEN YEAR OLD IN LABOR
The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's labor and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled. A sixteen-year-old in labor was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled FUCK right into the nurse's face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

Little Boy

LITTLE BOY The little boy came home from his very first day of kindergarten. His mother was anxious to hear all about his big day at school, so she asked him, "What did you learn today?" The youngster rolled his eyes and replied, "Not enough, I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."

Rest In Peace

REST IN PEACE A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed. "In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"

Unemployment

UNEMPLOYMENT Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay. The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replies. Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What
skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "

Smoke After Sex

SMOKE AFTER SEX Jim: "Joe, do you smoke after sex?" Joe: "I don't know; I've never looked."

New Products And Services

NEW PRODUCTS AND SERVICES * Snickers: goofy-looking underpants * Ty-D-Bowl: Martha Stewart Lanes * Dumpster: a sleazy lawyer specializing in divorce * Advil: experimental community where residents pay no property taxes but every square inch of sidewalk and wall space is filled with
commercial come-ons * Ex-Lax: a listing of the shortcomings of former spouse * Time Warner: an alarm clock * Fidelity Investments: chastity belts * Ritz crackers: wealthy rednecks * Motorola: a bribe resulting in choice seats
at a NASCAR event * Yopait: a rap musical

Blonde Robbers

BLONDE ROBBERS Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second. They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde,
"Are you SURE you understand the plan?" "Yes!" replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank. Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous. Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the
guard with his pants down. "No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

Sign From God

SIGN FROM GOD It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other
to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Learn Chinese

LEARN CHINESE Learn to Speak Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English Chinese
* That's not right = Sum Ting Wong * Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding * See me ASAP = Kum Hia Nao * Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni * Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan * I bumped into a coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Ni * I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat * It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim * I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching * This is a tow away zone = No Pah King * Our meeting is scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Nao * Staying out of sight = Lei Ying Lo * He's cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka * Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu

Coming

COMING A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just
inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!" Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Court Stenographer

COURT STENOGRAPHER A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as a witness. The court stenographer recorded every word he said. The man started to talk faster. The stenographer's fingers flew across her keyboard. The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!"

Son Of A Bitch

SON-OF-A BITCH A truck driver brought before the judge for an assault charge. The Judge asked the man why he beat the victim up so bad and the truck driver answered: "Well sir Judge that man called me a stupid son-of-a-bitch." The judge replied, "Well you didn't need to beat him up that bad".
The truck driver answered "I know that Judge, but what would you do if he called you a stupid son-of-a bitch". The Judge answered: "But I'm not a stupid son-of-a-bitch" The truck driver answered: "I know that judge, but what would you do if he called you the kind of a son-of-a-bitch, you are".

Blind Date

BLIND DATE Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a
virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

At The Zoo

AT THE ZOO A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at
the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache."