Financial Crisis

FINANCIAL CRISIS The stock market was up 400 points today, or as the Democrats call it — terrible news. (Jay Leno) Finally some good news this week: The chairman of the Fed called for a do-over. We're just going to start the week over. (Jimmy Kimmel) Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don't
add up to a trillion dollars. How it's going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel. (Jimmy Kimmel) President Bush wants to bail out Wall Street. He's got a message for the incompetent exec who gambled billions of other people's money for his own folly. "Mirror, mirror on the wall…" (Alan Ray) Wall Street is complaining that Congress is too slow to pass their bailout plan. It's especially agonizing for investment bankers to wait this long when it only took Wall Street a couple of days to ruin the whole economy. (Jake Novak) Wall Street investors seek a bailout from the taxpayer. You can tell CEO's for major firms are hurting financially. At martini lunches now, they request the house gin. (Alan Ray) Economy experts are skeptical about giving Henry Paulson $700 billion and so much responsibility when he wasn't even elected by the people. But didn't we give an entire country and a lot more responsibility to someone that wasn't elected by the people either? (Pedro Bartes) More bad news today, from President Bush: Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. (Jay Leno) Barack Obama said Friday there shouldn't be a bailout for Wall Street unless ordinary Americans also get help. He said he wants everyone to get a check for one thousand dollars. Everybody's excited because it's just enough for a low down payment. (Argus Hamilton) McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank. (Jimmy Kimmel) Considering as how the proposed Wall Street bailout will be one of the most intensely lobbied efforts in American history, will
there be anyone left to manage John McCain's campaign? (Paul Benoit) Wall Street seeks a taxpayer bailout. The market crash is hurting investment firm CEO's in the wallet. To save money on their commutes, many of them now Lamborghini pool. (Alan Ray) By ceasing campaigning and returning to Washington to scuttle the Bush "Bailout Plan," John McCain hopes to convince the American voter that it is he and not his opponent who is most fit to make the changes necessary to stop the Bush policies that are throwing the country into a depression. (Stan Kegel) The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they'd bail out others at taxpayers' expense of course. It's all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it's called socialism. (Jimmy Kimmel) Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman. (Jake Novak) An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e- mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, "Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control." (Conan
O'Brien) Sarah Palin has only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It's like speed presidential dating. (Pedro Bartes) A lot of Americans are ticked because the $700 billion stock market bailout helps Wall Street and hurts Main Street while the CEO's who caused the mess are living on Easy Street. (Patrick Gorse) President Bush addressed the nation on the economic crisis. He admits the bailout figure is astronomical. He hasn't seen that many zeroes since his 6th grade report
card. (Alan Ray) The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?" (Conan O'Brien) And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bail-out plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, "Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years." (Jay Leno) Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he's canceled a
trip to Alabama. Bush said, "Under the circumstances, I didn't think it was right to leave the country." (Conan O'Brien)