Getting Things Done Around Here Is Like Mating Elephants

GETTING THINGS DONE AROUND HERE IS LIKE MATING ELEPHANTS!
1. It's done at a high level.
2. It's accomplished with a great deal of roaring and screaming.
3. It takes two years to produce results.

Annual Neologism Contest

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained .
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Baked Apple

BAKED APPLE
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the temple, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, and not his usual one, mind you. He enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table tucked far into a corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! Seeing him in the corner, and not wanting him to eat alone, they immediately join him. Shocked, the rabbi can only sit and sweat, making small talk.
At last the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal a fully cooked roast suckling pig, complete
with a big apple in its mouth.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

Moonshine

MOONSHINE
"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.
"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Blind Date

BLIND DATE
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

Bible Sale

BIBLE SALE
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at the end of his sermon the following Sunday, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.
Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Eager to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked ! "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out
loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read! it t-to y-y-you?"

Sex On First Date

SEX ON FIRST DATE
"Hey Doug," said Bill, "Did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?"
"Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."

Salesman

SALESMAN
A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double-glazing to the owner.
Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter.
After she turned down his offer for double-glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.
"Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car."
The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?"
All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."
"Is that all? How old is your
son?"
"He's only seven."
With this the salesman can't resist anymore.
"OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?"
"I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."
The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son.
"Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Tommy, put your hand in my bra."
Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick.
The salesman hands her his keys.

The Story

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the
days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

Running Away

RUNNING AWAY
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. '
And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook
his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.

Jewish Man

JEWISH MAN
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Fender Skirts

FENDER SKIRTS
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS." A term I had not heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?"
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore, "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was
once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a
word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Alumni Affairs

ALUMNI AFFAIRS
After a somewhat enforced term of uniformed, government employment at a very unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to persue a college degree to improve any future financial rewards available for the use my personal services.
After discharge from my Uncle Sam's care, It was apparent that he obviously felt some guilt over screwing me over for the previous few years and reluctanly agreed to help fund my matriculation at a local college of my choice.
I eventually graduated from the school, with luck and a definite degree of sacrafice. Trying to balance study, partying, many part time jobs, partying, standing in line trying to jusify my right to claim unemployment dollars as I could not find anyone looking to
hire a 50 caliber machine gun operator, plus my social service volunteer work, helping available nubile female students pass their human sexuality classes, and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I even survived.
I really never felt any allegeance to the school itself. Once I was outta that particular pile of bricks, I harbored no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any alumni associations or attend any athletic events. - But sure enough, a few years later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents, and tracked down my current phone number and called.
"So, what have you been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired.
I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars for export, running a little moonshine on the side, when I'm not running a few hookers ."
Needless to say, I haven't heard from them
again.

Shoe Sales People

SHOE SALES PEOPLE
Two shoe sales people were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one sales person called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
On the other hand, at the same time the other sales person sent an email to the factory, saying, "The prospects are unlimited! Nobody wears shoes here!"

Quit Smoking

QUIT SMOKING
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis."

Kids

KIDS
Kids, You can't do a thing with them
1. JACK (3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
2. MELANIE (5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
3. STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
4. BRITTANY (4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the
bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
5. SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
6. DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
7. MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
8. CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"
9. JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story.
His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. " Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
10. TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
11. The Sermon
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust. He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The Gun Fighter

THE GUN FIGHTER
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower
down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?"
Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much"

Cheating

CHEATING
George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion.
She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."

Marriage

MARRIAGE
Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch.
"Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."
"A nun??" his father exclaimed.
"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"
Tom's face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."
"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

Proud Rooster

PROUD ROOSTER
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud -- one of his daughters has just entered the ministry!"

Fat

FAT
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

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Tennis Foursome

TENNIS FOURSOME
Three of the tennis foursome head for the showers after the match. The fourth one just gets in his car and goes home.
This happens every week - the same three shower, number four doesn't.
Finally, one guy asks him why he doesn't shower after playing tennis; he is, after all, just as hot and sweaty as the other three.
"To tell you the truth," he says, "I'm kind of shy about being naked in front of other guys. To be perfectly blunt, I'm not all that well endowed."
"Well," his friend says, "does it work all right?"
"As far at that goes, sure, it works all right. I've been getting laid on a daily basis for almost 20 years. It never fails to
perform."
"How'd you like to trade it for one that looks good in the showers?"

Dress Alike

DRESS ALIKE
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Addiction To Cigars

ADDICTION TO CIGARS
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective
even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

Dennis Rodman

DENNIS RODMAN
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps
back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

Girl Scouts

GIRL SCOUTS
While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.
"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."
"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

Lawyer

LAWYER
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

Communicative Type

COMMUNICATIVE TYPE
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"

In Joliet

IN JOLIET
A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would
give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet."

Flowers

FLOWERS
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. The redhead sighs and says, "Oh shit, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: "Haven't you got a vase?"

Perfect Breasts

PERFECT BREASTS
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over
there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."

Rice Preference

RICE PREFERENCE
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown!"

Diner Slang

DINER SLANG
Diner slang was popular in diners, luncheonettes and lunch rooms from the 1920s until the 1970s. Although many of the terms were created for fun and to lighten the stress of the restaurant environment, having distinct names for menu items helped the short order cooks (according to the web
page).
You've probably heard some of this in old movies. But I found it so amusing I pulled some of the best slang to create a little quiz for you! I've provided the answers at the bottom of the page, so let's see if you'd make a good Soup jockey.
Identify the following...
Paint it red
Java, Joe or a cup of mud
A blonde with sand
Shake one in
the hay
Cackle fruit
Wreck 'em
Adam & Eve on a raft
On the hoof
Bloodhound in the Hay
Whistleberries
Frog sticks
Paint a bow-wow red
Irish turkey
Zeppelins in a fog
Burn one
Pin a rose on it
Burn one; drag it through the garden and pin a rose on it.
And the answers are:
* Paint it red
Put ketchup on an item
* Java Joe or a cup of mud Coffee
Black Coffee
* A blonde with sand
Coffee with cream and sugar
*
Shake one in the hay
Strawberry milkshake
* Cackle fruit
Eggs
* Wreck 'em
Scrambled eggs
* Adam & Eve on a raft
Two poached eggs on toast
* On the hoof
Any kind of meat cooked rare
* Bloodhound in the Hay
Hot dog and Sauerkraut
* Whistleberries
Baked beans
* Frog sticks
French fries
* Paint a bow-wow red
Gimme a hot dog with ketchup
* Irish turkey
Corned beef and cabbage
* Zeppelins in a fog
Sausages and mashed potatoes
* Burn one
Put a hamburger on the grill
* Pin a rose on it
Add onion to an order
* Burn one; drag it through the garden and pin a rose on it.
Hamburger with lettuce tomato and onion

Sexual Revolution

SEXUAL REVOLUTION
Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one.
"I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.

Tax Return

TAX RETURN
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet s eat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00
each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

At Casinos

AT CASINOS
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

President

PRESIDENT
President Parvez Musharraf was awakened one night by an urgent call from the GHQ. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

Soldiers

SOLDIERS
Ehsan and Hamid (Islamabad Generals) were standing at the base of a flagpole on the Constitution Avenue, looking up.
A press reporter woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Hamid, "but we don't have a ladder."
The press reporter took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ehsan shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a press reporter! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Ehsan and Hamid are currently thinking of running for the PML (Q) in two ridings of Islamabad.

Cha-Cha Wardi Lahnda Kyun Nai

Enjoy This Poetry

Desert Island

DESERT ISLAND
A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.
She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?".
His yes filled with wonder as he answered "sure".
She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him a cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.
As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"
"WoW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.
So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker
of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.
She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"
Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

Bachelorhood

BACHELORHOOD
After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady. On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.
Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously masturbating.
She smiles and says, "You're married now. You don't have to do that anymore."
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

Quick One Liners

QUICK ONE LINERS
** Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
** Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
** A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
** A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
** A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
** A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
** "Doc, I can't stop
singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
** Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
** An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
** Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Job Interview

JOB INTERVIEW
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take 10%, but, on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question: "What do two plus two
equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

Reasons For Leaving

REASONS FOR LEAVING
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."

The Good Wife's Guide

"THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE"
* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
*
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
* Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
* Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the
part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
* Be happy to see him.
* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
* Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband
can renew himself.
* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.

Quart Low

QUART LOW
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bull shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low

Talks About First Wife

TALKS ABOUT FIRST WIFE
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband some times talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."

Wedding Reception

WEDDING RECEPTION
At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."
Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, grandad?"
His grandad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

Cooking

COOKING
Nadine confided to Jill, "My cooking left my husband cold."
"He divorced you because of your cooking?" Jill asked.
"No," Nadine replied, "he died."

The Blonde Year In Review

THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because fhe box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

Retirees : The Whole Truth

RETIREES: THE WHOLE TRUTH, NOTHING BUT.........
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the
time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Problem With Dick

PROBLEM WITH DICK
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

Multi Flavoured Condoms

MULTI FLAVOURED CONDOMS
A British chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.
While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.
Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"
To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on
yet."

Pull The Plug

PULL THE PLUG
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Two Kids

TWO KIDS
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Do you really think they look alike?"
"Absolutely not", he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

Lost Weight

LOST WEIGHT
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Techo Geek

TECHO GEEK
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming...
"Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeaaargghhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! Perhaps I should have told him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Bashing The Sexes

BASHING THE SEXES
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: What's the
difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Q: Did you
hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Tools

TOOLS (AS WE REALLY KNOW THEM)
---> DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
---> WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
---> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
---> PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
---> HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
---> VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
---> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
---> WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
½" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
---> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
---> EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
---> TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
---> PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
---> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-shit off your boot.
---> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
---> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
---> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
---> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
---> TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
---> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
---> AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their heads.
---> PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
---> HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses too
short.
---> HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
---> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
---> EXPLETIVE:
A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Young Bride

YOUNG BRIDE
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

Sex

SEX
Mary: I heard that the more sex you have, the more you want.
Jill: Now, Mary, you ought to know that you can't believe everything you hear in the back seat of a Chevy!

Fairy Tale

FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl:
"Will you marry me?"
She said "No!"
He lived happily ever after!
The end.

Visited Prostitutes

VISITED PROSTITUTES
Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.
Becky: What makes you think so?
Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
Becky: So?
Kittyy: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

Immutable Laws

IMMUTABLE LAWS
* When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
* A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
* When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
* Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
* When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's second corollary)
* When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits
law)
* If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
* Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
* You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
* Whenever one wants to connect with the internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
* If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
* The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
* The probability that
one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
* Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of ohmy gad)
* Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"
* Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)
* After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
* Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent,and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)
* Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute
certainty)

Mistress

MISTRESS
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?"
"No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."

Old Cowboys

OLD COWBOYS
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife.
Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say
it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are
pretty cool, but....Who has the worst wife?"
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said, "Nag, Nag, Nag."

New Job

NEW JOB
Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?
Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better.
Mary: Well, you can always do what she did.
Jill: What's that?
Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview.

Pencil Tied To Willy

PENCIL TIED TO WILLY
A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week, he came home rather flustered. "When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."
"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you could write."

Pregnancy & Women

PREGNANCY & WOMEN
Questions and Answers on Pregnancy
Q: Should I have an another baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will the baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way
that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
* You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
* If you shop anywhere but Wal Mart, you are just showing
off!
* And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
* FRIENDS ARE ANGELS
WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET
WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE
TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY.

CheckUp

CHECKUP
Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up.
After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone."
"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

Getting Cooperation

GETTING COOPERATION
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit
your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Irishman At Zoo

IRISHMAN AT ZOO
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Irishman was very skeptical and said so in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he
was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried "BeGabbers, He's right... Farty-two!"

Dictionary

DICTIONARY
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette's word was quizzical.
The redhead's word was photosynthesis.
The blonde's word was dick.

Darwin Awards 2006

DARWIN AWARDS 2006
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the
human gene pool. Just think...until these events, these same people were walking the streets like
normal people.
5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd
RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off,
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the
fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky,
who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying
the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool.

Protection

PROTECTION
The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.
They just change the witness's name to G. Spot

Rest Home

REST HOME
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on.
Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated: "There are MEN in this place!"

Texas Cities

TEXAS CITIES
Here is a list of actual places to travel in Texas. Sure do make a fella homesick, don't it now?
----> Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
----> Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423
----> Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
----> Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
----> Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751 - right down the road from here
Canadian , Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas - not far from my place
----> No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791
----> We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031
----> And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas
77590
----> Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452
----> Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas
----> Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas - down the road from my house
----> Need Office Supplies?
Staples , Texas 78670
----> Men are from Mars, woman are from:
Venus , Texas 76084
----> You guessed it... it's on the state line...
Texline , Texas 79087
----> For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
----> Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... :
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
----> And last but not least. The Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662
Have a Good Day!
P.S. Whoops, left out
Muleshoe
Cut 'n shoot,
Hoop And Holler,
Ding Dong, and don't forget......
Farewell , Texas
----> And, of course, there is a place in Texas that is......
KNOTT, TEXAS

Slander

SLANDER
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
'Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,' instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. 'But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,' she protested.
'Then,' said the attorney, 'just whisper them to the judge.'

Learner Permit

LEARNER PERMIT
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Time Tested Advices

TIME TESTED ADVICES
---> Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."
---> Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards.
---> Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves.
---> If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right.
---> It's good to question authority, but not mine.
---> Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.
---> Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.
---> An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
--->
A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
---> Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child.
---> Happiness is the place between too little and too much.
---> Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.
---> When in doubt. . . mumble.
---> I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
---> When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.
---> I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
---> With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!
---> Without geometry, life is pointless.
---> To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going
fishing.
---> Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
---> Yes, I'm lost . . . but I'm making GREAT time!
---> Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

Socrates, Aristotle And Plato

SOCRATES, ARISTOTLE AND PLATO
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.
I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.
I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.
Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Texas Trooper

TEXAS TROOPER
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled overby a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that with me!'"

Insults For All Occasions

INSULTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
* You are so stupid, that you sit on the TV and watch the couch!
* You were so ugly when you were a child, your mamma had to tie a porkchop around your neck just so the dog would play with you!
* You're so ugly that when you looked out the window, you got arrested for "mooning."
* You're so ugly that when you went for a job application in a haunted house they said, "No proffesionals allowed!"
* You're so poor you stuck your key into the front door and killed four people in the hall!
* You're so poor, your front and back door are on the same hinge!
* You're so stupid that you returned a donut because it had a
hole in the middle!
* If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and make him walk back-wards!
* Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Dead Drunk

DEAD DRUNK
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives less than a mile away About two blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house less than a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the house just a block away. The guy waits and waits and finally
decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for
him that he has the flu and has been in bed all night
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe B. is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
She opens the garage door and looks in.
There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

Calling In Sick

CALLING IN SICK
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, becaus the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then I reasoned, I could think up something to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen.
"Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is,"
I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then,"C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from "Harryand the Twins".
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about-which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
Close, but not exactly.

95th Birthday

95TH BIRTHDAY
When a friend's grandmother had a 95th birthday, relatives flew to Texas from all over the country to celebrate.
One daughter, Emily who was 70 was flying in from San Diego and called the airline ticket agent to request a senior-citizen discount.
Since proof of age is required, she asked the clerk what he would accept. "How about a note from your mother?" he said jokingly.
A few days later, Emily arrived at the airport with a note from her mother attesting to her age. As she handed it to the amused clerk, Emily commented, "It's not often a seventy-year- old woman has to have a note from her mother to do anything."

12 Reasons To Laugh

12 REASONS TO LAUGH
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
* How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn.. that was fun!"
* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
*
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
* Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"
* Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Flight 293

FLIGHT 293
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking toyou, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"

Quaker

QUAKER
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real
Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."

You Are Here

YOU ARE HERE
Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention.
Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"

Wardi (Uniform)

Punjabi Poetry for Pakistanis, giving out the thoughts why Pervez Musharraf should continue with his uniform or why he should remove it. Do enjoy.

T-E-Q-U-I-L-A

T-E-Q-U-I-L-A
Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." he said.
"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.
Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

Types Of Female Orgasm

TYPES OF FEMALE ORGASM
There Are At Least Eight Types Of Orgasm Of A Woman.
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................
6. The Usurer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !! :-)

Hard To Catch

HARD TO CATCH
A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra.
The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist.
The pharmacist tells the man he would need a Doctor's prescription in order for her to dispense the drug.
The man, seemingly pacified, leaves.... and returns with a gun. He pulled a hand gun and demanded Viagra again.
The pharmacist gave him four full bottles and two partial bottles, then the man fled.
The police sergeant who was first on the scene pondered, "This makes me wonder. Do we look for a hardened criminal?"

Ways To Realize Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

WAYS TO REALIZE YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW
* Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and... Graphics arrive via FedEx.
* You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
* You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
* Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
* Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"... for 1989.
* You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Pong".
* Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
* You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
* You click the
"Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Beauty Of English

BEAUTY OF ENGLISH
Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story?
Here's an example:
Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Oh John..!
Ohhh......

Modern Version Of The Birds And The Bees

MODERN VERSION OF THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: You've Got Male