Nahin Chaata

NAHIN CHAATA
Girl's Father: Main nahi chaata kay meri beti apni pori zindagi ek gadhay kay saath guzare,
Boy Friend: Bas isiliye main usay yahan se lay jane aya hoon.

Jannat

JANNAT
Ek admi chupkay se jahanum se nikala aur jannat main chala gaya. Frishtay ne pakar kar khob mara.
Maar khanay k baad admi utha, kapray jharray aur bola: Tumhari in he harkaton ki wajha se koi jannat main nahi ata.

Telephone Poll

TELEPHONE POLL
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"

Sitting For Two

SITTING FOR TWO
In a crowded bus an older Monk, asked a standing pretty young woman to sit on his lap, which woman did to avoid getting bumped to other opportunists standing around.
In a short while she jumps and stands up. Anxious to help damsel in distress other passengers started watching curiously for what happened?
Embarrassed Monk pleaded, "My child, please sit down."
The angry woman pointed finger and yelled, "Baba, you have to first make IT sit down before I can sit again there."

Phul Jharian

PHUL JHARIAN
Child: Mom is bar hum sare patakhe is shop se lain gaye,
Mom : lekin beta ye to girls hostel hai,
Child: Papa to kahte hain k sari phul-jhariyan yahin rahti hain.

Express Lane

EXPRESS LANE
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay.
But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like
to buy?"

Toilet Brush

TOILET BRUSH
While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir,N.C. were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so
good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

After Life

AFTER LIFE
Rahul and Kajol made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made verbal contact, "Kajol....Kajol. ":
"Is that you, Rahul?"
"Yes, I've come back just like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like in your afterlife?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Rahul you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly..., I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Mumbai."

Smiley And Sullen

SMILEY AND SULLEN
A name HUSMUKH means a man who always maintains a smile.
A name HUSBAND means a man who has lost for ever his smile.

What Vegetable Makes Your Eyes Water

WHAT VEGETABLE MAKES YOUR EYES WATER? A school teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes your eyes water?” Little Johnny replies, “A turnip miss.” ”No Johnny,” says the teacher, “I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?” ”No miss,” says Little Johnny, “Have you never been hit in the balls with a
turnip?”

Sandwiches

SANDWICHES My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

The 2007 Annual Darwinian Awards

THE 2007 ANNUAL DARWINIAN AWARDS
Someday, this ceremony may be as eagerly-awaited as the Academy Awards. Worthy winners -- who are always legion -- will receive the coveted Golden Gibbon ("Gibby"). Should this be the year the Awards have their debut, a list of certain finalists follows.
First, the runners-up (in random order):
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent one of its men to inspect the cutter. When he tried the machine, he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. After stopping for drinks at a bar, a Zimbabwean driver returned to his bus to find that the 20
mental patients he was transporting had escaped. Not wanting to expose his dereliction of duty, the driver drove to a bus stop and offered a free ride to the first 20 people who boarded the bus. He then delivered them to a Bulawayo mental hospital, warning the staff that the patients were excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
4. A teenager in London was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received while riding on a train. When asked how he the injuries occurred, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a passing train before he was hit. He is now an expert on the subject.
5. A man walked into a Louisiana convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and demanded all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash the thief got from the drawer was $15.
6. An Arkansas man wanted a drink badly. So he decided to break a liquor store window, grab some bottles and take off. He turned his back to the window to protect his face from flying glass and heaved a cinder block over his shoulder. It hit the Plexiglas window, bounced back and struck the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The event was caught on videotape.
7. As a woman left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911, and the woman gave the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, they apprehended him. He was driven back to the store and told to stand up for a positive ID. To which the cooperative thief replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from."
8.
An Ann Arbor, Michigan crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk explained that he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the annoyed would-be thief grudgingly ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
9. A Philadelphia restaurant attracted long lines of customers, waiting outside of his luncheonette to order his huge, delicious, very inexpensive sandwiches. When asked how he could afford this, the owner replied, "I lose money on every sandwich I sell, but I make it up in volume." Not long thereafter, the restaurant became a dry cleaner.
And now, the 2008 winner of the Golden Gibbon! (Awarded posthumously):
When his revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long
Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Pregnant

PREGNANT "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a
child."

Baby Shower

BABY SHOWER Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to send out invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line. Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me." He was referring to the "Subject"
line of my message, which read, "Lunch and a shower."

Magic

MAGIC With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee. The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave. "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician. "Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas. "Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!" Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids." With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants." The man looks skeptical but does as he's told. "Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?" The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."

In The Car

IN THE CAR
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a Blonde baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?
No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

The Value Of Drink

THE VALUE OF DRINK
----> "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
----> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." ~Frank Sinatra
----> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
----> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
----> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
----> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
----> "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
----> To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
----> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."

Midlife

MIDLIFE
Mary: I wish I'd known more about midlife before I got here!
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Well, I lost my sex drive years ago. I had no idea it could be menopause! I thought it was just because I was married!

Cows

COWS
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast! I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks."

Pope Dies

POPE DIES
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.
God takes
him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

Useful Tool

USEFUL TOOL
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

Books You May Have Missed

BOOKS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
THE FRENCH CHEF by Sue Flay
GOING OFF TO MARKET by Tobias A. Pigg
LAYING FLOOR TILE IN IRELAND by Lynn O'Leum
HOLMES DOES IT AGAIN by Scott Linyard
THE SCENT OF A MAN by Jim Nasium
MY UNDERWEAR IS SLIPPING by Lucy Lastic
THE QUESTION OF MUTANTS by Abner Mallety
WINDOW TREATMENTS by Curt Enrod
WHERE'S THE WATER? by Dwayne Dwightout
House Construction by: Bill Jerome Holme
How to Be Organized by: Miss Place
How to Groom Your Yard by: Ray Cleaves
I Didn't Do It! by: Ivan Alibi
I Don't Get It by: Anita Clew
I Love Crowds by: Morris Merrier
I Need Insurance by: Justin Case
I'll Do It Soon by: Will B. Dunn
Mineralogy for Giants by: Chris Tall
No Appreciation For Art by: Drew Lousy
Old Furniture by: Anne Teak
The Past to the Distant Future by: I. C. All
Ripping Pants by: Ben Dover
Snakes of the World by: Anna Conda
Where the Stars Are by: Horace Cope

Pregnant Woman

PREGNANT WOMAN
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.
He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

Message From God

MESSAGE FROM GOD
Hi. God here. How ya doin? Why is it that every time I turn around, some so-called religious leader is shaking the Bible or Torah and saying that I, God, want everyone to "stone the adulteress" or "burn the witch" or"send money to build the Happy Jesus Theme Park" or, in this case, bust up statues?
Let's get something straight here. First of all, that Bible or Torah that they're shaking around? Heavily padded. Sure I told the prophets to write some of those things down. The good-advice parts, like bathe, and lift with your knees, and be nice to each other, and don't do roof work when you're drunk. But for every thing I asked a prophet to write down, he'd add about a hundred things of his own, stuff
about when his neighbors should be smote and why his wife should do everything he said and so on.
A lot of those prophets were thwarted writers as well, and saw the Bible and Torah as a way of getting their potboilers published. All that begatting, and the swooping seraphim and wailing-and-gnashing -of-teeth business? All theirs. I was never really pushing for a Holy Book. I was thinking more Sensible Pamphlet.
The Ten Commandments, for instance -- what I originally dictated were The Four Suggestions. But then those prophets got hold of them and decided they'd punch them up and use them to spook their kids.
You know what I really want? I want a world where Friends isn't on 42 times a freaking day. I want rap and hip-hop artists to stop thanking me at their goddam award ceremonies. I HATE that music. Gimme Marvin Gaye, gimme some zydeco,
gimme Bach. Here's a news flash for you, rappers and hip-hopsters, you're all going to Hell! So stop implicating me everytime you get an award.
And all those Aerosmith guys are going to hell too. Oh, and Christine Aguilera? Hell city, baby! Wacky morning DJs, the programmers at FOX, Elizabeth Hurley -- HELL, HELL, HELL!
Anyhow, I'm getting off on a rant here. But I want to let you in on something. All of those geezers who claw their way to the top of the religion heap and start pronouncing God wants this and God wants that -- extremely small penises. Tiny! Think about that the next time somebody starts shaking his Holy Book at you.
---- GOD

35th Wedding Anniversary

35TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant when suddenly; a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
"Ooh... I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the woman.
The fairy moved her magic wand and abracadabra! two tickets for a new round-the-world luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the man's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.
What is the moral of this story? Men might be idiots sometimes, but fairies are always female.

Two Tigers

TWO TIGERS
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright."
The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action.
The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.
The front tiger turns and says,
"What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."
The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Impure Thoughts

IMPURE THOUGHTS
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Run Over By Mother-In-Law

RUN OVER BY MOTHER-IN-LAW
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run over me!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"

New Super Market

NEW SUPER MARKET
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
.............So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Religious Objects

RELIGIOUS OBJECTS
A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes.
One boy answered "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."
The next little boy said "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."
Then a third boy piped up: "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams "OH MY GOD!!!"

37 Mating Positions

37 MATING POSITIONS
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign advertising, "Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions."
The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about chess.

Short Girl

SHORT GIRL
Sardar selected a short girl to marry….why
Coz guruji told him musibat jitni choti ho utna aacha hai

In Five Years

IN FIVE YEARS
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student.
"It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

Died With An Erection

DIED WITH AN ERECTION
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.
Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't
complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."
And so the first nurse left.
The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.
Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!
Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

Food

FOOD
In their hey days Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif & General Pervez Mushraff went to China and to spend anight out had an escapade to a China Hotel in Hong Kong without any protocol and translator.
They didn't know Chinese and the waiter didn't know English too. Food ordering was a problem.
To remain incospicous they were in traditional Punjabi dress.
Nawaz Sharif got an idea.
He upskirt his dhoti---- Waiter brought two eggs and one Banana.
Mushraff was impressed with Nawaz Sharif.
He also did same--- it worked, waiter brought one kaju and two kismish.

Life And Death Statistics

LIFE AND DEATH STATISTICS
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

Trouble

TROUBLE
A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Mom, I got married."
Her mother said, "Oh, that's great."
The girl said, "But, Mom, he's an Arab."
Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."
The girl said, "But he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Mom, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother said, "So for 90 cents you're going to make trouble?"

Eat Like A Horse

EAT LIKE A HORSE
Nadine: My ex used to eat like a horse.
Jill: Really?
Nadine: Yeah! Too bad he wasn't hung like one!

Get A Man

GET A MAN
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally
replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Cooking

COOKING
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Two Attorneys

TWO ATTORNEYS
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."

Mammogram

MAMMOGRAM
"It was like this, Your Honor...I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
'Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's
Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. Belinda flipped me, (literally), to the left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass), when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and
said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi-how's-it-going?"-type greetings, Bubba, (or possibly Earl), asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks." "You'd better, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I
totally forgot about you! And, silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how Belinda's head ended up between the clamps."

Aussie Slang

AUSSIE SLANG
* Going for a McShiT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.
* Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* Johnny-No-Stars
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* Monkey Bath
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!
Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
* Mumbler
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc., i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
* Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.
* Picasso Arse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.
* Salad Dodger
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* Swamp-Donkey
A deeply unattractive woman.
* Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young
women.
* Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.
* Two-Bagger or Double Bagger
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
* Up on Blocks
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

Larki Kay Saath

LARKI KAY SAATH
Aik larka aik larki k saath baitha tha.
2nd day doosri larki k saath deha gaya .
3rd day koi aur larki thi.
4th day kisi nayi larki ke saath tha
Moral: Larkiyan badal jaati hain, larke nahin badaltey

Dear Diary, Love Monica

DEAR DIARY, LOVE MONICA:
Entry 1--
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
Entry 2--
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
Entry 3--
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he
dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.
Entry 4--
Dear Diary,
He really likes me.
Entry 5--
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900" Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)
Entry 6--
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
Entry 7--
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever
we go out for a quiet dinner.
Entry 8--
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
Entry 9--
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
Entry 10--
Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Entry 11--
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man
"daddy" that I was actually related to.
Entry 12--
Dear Diary,
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
Entry 13--
Dear Diary,
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Entry 14--
Dear Diary,
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagons. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no
brainer!)
Entry 15--
Dear Diary,
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Entry 16--
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
Entry 17--
Dear Diary,
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Entry 18--
Dear Diary,
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the
grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
Entry 19--
Dear Diary,
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! "The Full Monica", a sequel to "In And Out", "A Pack-O-Lips Now", "Wag the Willy" and my most favorite, "Good Bill Humping". I hope Spielberg will direct.

Kahan Jana Hai

KAHAN JANA HAI
Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan jana hai?
Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT: Ticket hai?
Sadhu: Nahin
TT: Chalo
Sadhu: Kahan?
TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein

Pun Intended

PUN INTENDED
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L
A.
* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
* When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

Pairr Pe

PAIRR PE
Aik aadmi pairr pe charha to upar baithey bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Aadmi: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka pairr hai.
Aadmi: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon.

Dil Me

DIL ME
Is dil me tarane bahot hain
zindagi jeenay ke bahane bahot hain
kis kis ko sms karoon
kambakht is nachiz ke diwane bahut hain....

The Spoons

THE SPOONS
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their
mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand.
"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.
"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and touches your heart."
"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be
there...."
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Date

DATE
Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.
The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Darti Hai

DARTI HAI
Man : Yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai.
Friend : Acha wo kaise?
Man : Yar kal mein ghar gaya to wo bathtub mai bhi security guard kay sath bethi thi.!!

Driving With The Lord

DRIVING WITH THE LORD
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountain side in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true.
All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside.
He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?"
And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time. cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Classy Insults

CLASSY INSULTS
----> "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
----> "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
----> "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
----> "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "
----> Poor
Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
----> "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
----> "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
----> "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
----> "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
----> "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
----> "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
----> "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply

Punjabi Translation - Nursery Rhymes

PUNJABI TRANSLATION - NURSERY RHYMES.......
I - Original:
'Pussy cat Pussy cat, where have you been?'
'I have been to London to see the Queen'
'Pussy cat Pussy cat what did you there?'
'I frightened a little mouse under the chair!'
Punjabi
Translation:
'Mano Billi, Mano Billi, kithe gai si?'
'Rani Ji nu milan main vilayat gai si'
'Ki chan chareya tu othe ja ke?'
'Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!'
II - Original
'Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool?'
'Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full
One for the master, one for the dame,
And one for the little boy who lives down the lane.'
Punjabi Translation:
'Kali Bhed, Kali Bhed, hai kucch unn?'
'Haan bhai,
Haan bhai, Tin pandan gin,
Ek tere waste, ek teri woti lai
Ek us munde lai jehra khara raste'.
III - Original
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the kings' horses, all the kings' men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again
Punjabi Translation:
Baba Karnail Singh baitha si Dukaan te'
Baba Karnail Singh diggya dharram se,
Pind de log phir aa ke kehan lagge,
Baba Karnail Singh te gaya hun kaam se.

Artificial Pussy

ARTIFICIAL PUSSY
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not distinguish it from the real thing.
Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.
He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.
The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.
The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew
out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack.
He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"
The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

Phone

PHONE
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is At site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
(Women!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this.
The man asked
junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment!!!!!!!!

Safe Cracker

SAFE CRACKER
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on where you live.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination;
In Arkansas, it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.

Dentist

DENTIST
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you
talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

Think

THINK
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
----> FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
----> SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at
the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
----> THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
----> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
----> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
----> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

37 Mating Positions

37 MATING POSITIONS
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign advertising, "Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions."
The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about chess.

Short Girl

SHORT GIRL
Sardar selected a short girl to marry….why
Coz guruji told him musibat jitni choti ho utna aacha hai

In Five Years

IN FIVE YEARS
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student.
"It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

Died With An Erection

DIED WITH AN ERECTION
The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.
Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.
Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.
She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't
complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."
And so the first nurse left.
The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.
Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!
Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

Food

FOOD
In their hey days Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif & General Pervez Mushraff went to China and to spend anight out had an escapade to a China Hotel in Hong Kong without any protocol and translator.
They didn't know Chinese and the waiter didn't know English too. Food ordering was a problem.
To remain incospicous they were in traditional Punjabi dress.
Nawaz Sharif got an idea.
He upskirt his dhoti---- Waiter brought two eggs and one Banana.
Mushraff was impressed with Nawaz Sharif.
He also did same--- it worked, waiter brought one kaju and two kismish.

Life And Death Statistics

LIFE AND DEATH STATISTICS
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

Trouble

TROUBLE
A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Mom, I got married."
Her mother said, "Oh, that's great."
The girl said, "But, Mom, he's an Arab."
Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great."
The girl said, "But he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Mom, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother said, "So for 90 cents you're going to make trouble?"

Eat Like A Horse

EAT LIKE A HORSE
Nadine: My ex used to eat like a horse.
Jill: Really?
Nadine: Yeah! Too bad he wasn't hung like one!

Get A Man

GET A MAN
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally
replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Cooking

COOKING
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Two Attorneys

TWO ATTORNEYS
Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.
The one who's been waiting asks his partner: "What kept you?"
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No, the kid had it under his coat."

Mammogram

MAMMOGRAM
"It was like this, Your Honor...I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
'Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's
Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. Belinda flipped me, (literally), to the left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass), when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and
said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi-how's-it-going?"-type greetings, Bubba, (or possibly Earl), asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks." "You'd better, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I
totally forgot about you! And, silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honour, is exactly how Belinda's head ended up between the clamps."

Aussie Slang

AUSSIE SLANG
* Going for a McShiT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.
* Greyhound
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* Johnny-No-Stars
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* Monkey Bath
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!
Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
* Mumbler
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc., i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
* Mystery Bus
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.
* Picasso Arse
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.
* Salad Dodger
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* Swamp-Donkey
A deeply unattractive woman.
* Tart Fuel or Bitch Piss
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young
women.
* Titanic
A lady who goes down first time out.
* Two-Bagger or Double Bagger
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
* Up on Blocks
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

Larki Kay Saath

LARKI KAY SAATH
Aik larka aik larki k saath baitha tha.
2nd day doosri larki k saath deha gaya .
3rd day koi aur larki thi.
4th day kisi nayi larki ke saath tha
Moral: Larkiyan badal jaati hain, larke nahin badaltey

Dear Diary, Love Monica

DEAR DIARY, LOVE MONICA:
Entry 1--
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
Entry 2--
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
Entry 3--
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he
dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.
Entry 4--
Dear Diary,
He really likes me.
Entry 5--
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900" Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)
Entry 6--
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
Entry 7--
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever
we go out for a quiet dinner.
Entry 8--
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.
Entry 9--
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
Entry 10--
Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
Entry 11--
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man
"daddy" that I was actually related to.
Entry 12--
Dear Diary,
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
Entry 13--
Dear Diary,
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.
Entry 14--
Dear Diary,
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagons. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a job at Revlon. (God, it's a no
brainer!)
Entry 15--
Dear Diary,
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.
Entry 16--
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.
Entry 17--
Dear Diary,
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!
Entry 18--
Dear Diary,
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the
grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!
Entry 19--
Dear Diary,
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! "The Full Monica", a sequel to "In And Out", "A Pack-O-Lips Now", "Wag the Willy" and my most favorite, "Good Bill Humping". I hope Spielberg will direct.

Kahan Jana Hai

KAHAN JANA HAI
Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan jana hai?
Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT: Ticket hai?
Sadhu: Nahin
TT: Chalo
Sadhu: Kahan?
TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein

Pun Intended

PUN INTENDED
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L
A.
* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
* When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

Pairr Pe

PAIRR PE
Aik aadmi pairr pe charha to upar baithey bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Aadmi: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka pairr hai.
Aadmi: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon.

Dil Me

DIL ME
Is dil me tarane bahot hain
zindagi jeenay ke bahane bahot hain
kis kis ko sms karoon
kambakht is nachiz ke diwane bahut hain....

The Spoons

THE SPOONS
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their
mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, "I don't understand.
"It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other. While the greedy think only of themselves.
"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, and touches your heart."
"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be
there...."
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Date

DATE
Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.
The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Darti Hai

DARTI HAI
Man : Yar meri biwi pani se bohat darti hai.
Friend : Acha wo kaise?
Man : Yar kal mein ghar gaya to wo bathtub mai bhi security guard kay sath bethi thi.!!

Driving With The Lord

DRIVING WITH THE LORD
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountain side in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true.
All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right. He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside.
He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?"
And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time. cuz your gonna get him killed!"

Classy Insults

CLASSY INSULTS
----> "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
----> "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
----> "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
----> "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "
----> Poor
Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
----> "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
----> "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
----> "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
----> "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
----> "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
----> "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
----> "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply

Punjabi Translation - Nursery Rhymes

PUNJABI TRANSLATION - NURSERY RHYMES.......
I - Original:
'Pussy cat Pussy cat, where have you been?'
'I have been to London to see the Queen'
'Pussy cat Pussy cat what did you there?'
'I frightened a little mouse under the chair!'
Punjabi
Translation:
'Mano Billi, Mano Billi, kithe gai si?'
'Rani Ji nu milan main vilayat gai si'
'Ki chan chareya tu othe ja ke?'
'Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!'
II - Original
'Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool?'
'Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full
One for the master, one for the dame,
And one for the little boy who lives down the lane.'
Punjabi Translation:
'Kali Bhed, Kali Bhed, hai kucch unn?'
'Haan bhai,
Haan bhai, Tin pandan gin,
Ek tere waste, ek teri woti lai
Ek us munde lai jehra khara raste'.
III - Original
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the kings' horses, all the kings' men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again
Punjabi Translation:
Baba Karnail Singh baitha si Dukaan te'
Baba Karnail Singh diggya dharram se,
Pind de log phir aa ke kehan lagge,
Baba Karnail Singh te gaya hun kaam se.

Artificial Pussy

ARTIFICIAL PUSSY
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not distinguish it from the real thing.
Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise.
He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship.
The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.
The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew
out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack.
He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"
The captain responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

Phone

PHONE
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is At site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
(Women!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know de cause of this.
The man asked
junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment!!!!!!!!

Safe Cracker

SAFE CRACKER
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on where you live.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination;
In Arkansas, it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.

Dentist

DENTIST
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you
talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

Think

THINK
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
----> FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
----> SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at
the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
----> THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
----> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
----> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
----> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Good In Bed

GOOD IN BED
Woman: "Are you good in bed?"
Man: "Of course I am."
Woman: "How do you know?"
Man: "Because I'm always satisfied... ."

Calculations Or...

CALCULATIONS OR...
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie!, What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

2007 Darwin Awards

2007 DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.
And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat- cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent
out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. A Texas teenager was in the hospit al recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the carand drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man
attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family.
Unless of course one of the 10 winners by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend……In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Three Things You Need to Survive

THREE THINGS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the
right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration. .."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Dead

DEAD
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb-founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it! " replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Snow White

SNOW WHITE
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.
However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me?"
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "Hillary Clinton will be the next President".
"Thank God!" said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive!"

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX
* A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
* You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
* You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
* Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
* Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.
* Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
* A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
* A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.
* You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
*
If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
* A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
* It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
* Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
* You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
* Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

Dog Editor

DOG EDITOR
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

On A Napkin

ON A NAPKIN
A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".
Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".

Job Benefits

JOB BENEFITS
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Success

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Haath Main

HAATH MAIN
Haath Main Lo Tou Dabane Ko Dil Kerta Hai
Dabalo Tou Choosne Ko Dil Kerta Hai
Choos Lo Tou Dil Nahi Bharta
Q k
Q k
Saal main Ek Hii baar Tou Aata Hai AAAM . . .
HaPpY SumMer SeAsOn . .

Ten Signs He Only Wants To Get Laid

TEN SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS TO GET LAID
1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.
2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.
3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."
4. He whispers, "you're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, "oh you, too."
5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.
6.
In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."
7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.
8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."
9. When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."
10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

Senior Humour

SENIOR HUMOUR
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home; is it now!
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost ALL my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered. "Sir, replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.heh; "Wal-Mart?" the preac her exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
--- These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women myage, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
And Remember:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Coats

COATS
Santa was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.
One day his partner Banta said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to Rs 1000 each, we still can’t sell any.”
Santa replied, “Use your head, Banta. Price them at Rs 2000 and send 10 of our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for Rs 8000 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the Rs 8000.”
So Banta did as he was told.
Within 10 days they received all 10 parcels with almost identical letter reading " I did not order these coats and hence sending them back with your Invoice" And each parcel contained only 4 coats.

Tongue Twisters

TONGUE TWISTERS
1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.
5. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
7. I
thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
8. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL
ONES
11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"
13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we
like it or not.
14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
15. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue
16. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
17. Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw