Surprise

SURPRISE One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows! The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know..." "Yes, he can!" replies his obstinate nephew. "He's fucking the horse!

Good Vs Evil

GOOD VS EVIL My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain’t no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

Free Living Will Form

FREE LIVING WILL FORM! I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't
ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell. Signature
____________________________________
Witness ____________________________________

Dead Priests

DEAD PRIESTS Fifty priests die in an bus accident. They all get up to the Pearly Gates and find St. Peter waiting for them. St. Peter is looking at a clipboard with an irritated expression on his face. He gets up, and in a loud voice announces, "To save time I'm only going to ask you all one question: Which of you has ever been involved in a homosexual relationship?" The priests kick the dirt and mumble, but forty nine of them raise their hands. "OK," says St. Peter, "off to purgatory with you then. And take that deaf bastard with you."

Heaven

HEAVEN A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven. The Catholic woman says," I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left. The
Protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left. The Jewish woman tells St. Peter," I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right. She
immediately asks him, " Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?" St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?

Smell

SMELL
Two prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!

Can't Pee

CAN'T PEE
Sam Tinkleman sat on the examining table in the office of Dr. Rosenstein, the world-famous urologist.
"My trouble," said Tinkleman, "is that I can't pee."
"How old are you?" asked the doctor.
Tinkleman said, "I'm one hundred and seven."
"Well," said Rosenstein, "you peed enough!"

Funny Motor Insurance Claims

FUNNY MOTOR INSURANCE CLAIMS
----> "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
----> "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
----> "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
----> "Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?"
----> "The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo."
----> "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
----> "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
----> "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
----> "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
----> "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
----> "Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: "I
Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
----> "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
----> "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
----> "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
----> "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
----> "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
----> "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
----> "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
----> "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
----> "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole."
----> "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
----> "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
----> "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
----> "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
----> "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
----> "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
----> "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
----> "I had
been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
----> "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
----> "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
----> "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
----> "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
----> "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
----> "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
----> "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
----> "The indirect cause of the
accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
----> "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
----> "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
----> "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
----> "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
----> "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
----> "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the
corner without giving a signal."
----> "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
----> "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
----> "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
----> "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
----> "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

Raped

RAPED
A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, this note is a fake."
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped!"

I Warned You

I WARNED YOU
A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got off the Hospital bed, slapped her husband, and shouted, "I told you not to do it Doggy style!"

Funny Business Signs

FUNNY BUSINESS SIGNS
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

Five Fingers

FIVE FINGERS
An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife.
Young girl : "Ooh.. darling! 5 times?"
Old man : "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?"

Comment

COMMENT
"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you comment on this?"
"The truth is that she has a big mouth!"

Post Office

POST OFFICE
"There she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door. A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall.
"Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."
The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."
The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are
doing."

Good * Bad * Worse

GOOD * BAD * WORSE
---> Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
---> Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
---> Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
---> Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
---> Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
---> Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
---> Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
---> Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
---> Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
---> Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
---> Good: The postman's early.
Bad:
He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
---> Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
---> Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.
---> Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
---> Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
---> Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
---> Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad:
It's performance art.
---> Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
---> Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
---> Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
---> Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
---> Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
---> Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
---> Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
---> Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
---> Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
---> Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
---> Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
---> Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With
the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

Burglar Alarm

BURGLAR ALARM
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot.
Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit? "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"

Beeped

BEEPED
One day, while driving with my then 5 year old son Adam, I beeped the horn by mistake. He turned and looked at me as if he was demanding an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident..."
He replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' after beeping!"

Definitions

DEFINITIONS:
Underline: Where the quarterback wound up when he tried to sneak for a TD.
Underweight: To leave before your date arrives
Watchmaker: Someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time.
Seaweed: What the cops expect to do at Tim Leary's home.
Outrank: Smell worse that than the other guy
Undercast: A cotton sheet used to protect the skin from the rough plaster
Bachelor: An unaltered male
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Forbid: In favor of auctions.
Outmode: Cut the grass fastest
Install: Items such as hay to make your horse comfortable.
Vertigo: how foreigners ask for directions.
Overlook: What my wife says I do when a pretty girl walks by
Understudy: Not prepare for the exam
Overtire: Where you put the chains
Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.
Outboard: Lumber used in the outer walls of a home.
Outfield: Good crop rotation
Overcast: Get your hook caught on the bushes across the stream.
Urinate: What the nurse tells a patient inquiring his room number

Tonsillectomy

TONSILLECTOMY
They were on their way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, they talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," she asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
"That's easy," he said. "They're going to give you a phone."

Computer Equipment

COMPUTER EQUIPMENT
A three-year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:
The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for their TV's.
The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.
The French are most likely to give their keyboards to the Germans without a struggle.

Dirty Boy

DIRTY BOY
A very dirty little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

New At Guard Duty

NEW AT GUARD DUTY
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler".
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son,
drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Sex And Corned Beef Sandwich

SEX AND CORNED BEEF SANDWICH
Two girls were sitting at lunch one day discussing their bosses. One said she had just quit because her boss was not strictly on the up and up.
"How's that?" asked the other.
"He asked if I knew the difference between sex and a corned beef sandwich?"
"What's that got to do with it", asked her friend.
"When I said no, he asked me if I would like to have lunch."

Who Take Life Too Seriously

WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand.
23
.. ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. some just do not have film.
29. If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
37. Just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Dead Corgi

DEAD CORGI
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think
you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla
isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog".

Fisherman

FISHERMAN
Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seensome other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi."

Exercises To Prepare For Your Hospital Experience

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
---> Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.
---> Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
---> Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
---> Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
---> Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
---> Remove all actual food from the house.
---> With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

A To Z Of Life

A TO Z OF LIFE:-
Life is ADVENTURE dare it.
Life is BEAUTY worship it.
Life is CHALLENGE meet it.
Life is DREAM realize it.
Life is ENDURANCE copewith it.
Life is FRAGRANCE smell it.
Life is GAME play it.
Life is HEAVEN take it.
Life is INITIATIVE take it.
Life is JOURNEY complete it.
Life is KEROSINE burn it.
Life is LOVE enjoy it.
Life is MYSTERY unfold it.
Life is NAME find it.
Life
is OPPORTUNITY catch it.
Life is PROMISE fulfil it.
Life is QUSETION answer it.
Life is REALITY face it.
Life is SONG sing it.
Life is TIME utilize it.
Life is URAGE satisfy it.
Life is VOICE listen it.
Life is WEALTH acquire it.
Life is X ? solve it.
Life is YEARNING go after it.
Life is ZENITH attain it.

Next Generation

NEXT GENERATION
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space
travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

Yard Sale

YARD SALE
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the manager.
Do you know there are 6 ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale!"

Bloopers

BLOOPERS:
Hershey Bars Protest
Please excuse Connie from gym class today as she had difficulty breeding
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Please excuse Clarance from being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent sized.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Please excuse Jane Monday,
Tuesday and Wednesday. She had an absent tooth.
Please excuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.
"And now this tip from the American Red Cross. In case of drowning lay the girl ... lay the drowning victim on her back, and try mouth-to-mouth breeding ... (Gulp) breathing.
Attend today and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Governor's Office For Elderly Affairs

GOVERNOR'S OFFICE FOR ELDERLY AFFAIRS
A woman who works for the state of Louisiana got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

Love Me When Old

LOVE ME WHEN OLD
Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"
Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground that you walk on. I shall....rrr.... uhhhhh.....You're NOT going to look like your mother, are you?"

Professionals

PROFESSIONALS
---> On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
---> Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
---> At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
---> On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
---> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
---> On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we
pick your nose?"
---> On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
---> On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
---> At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
---> On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
---> On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
---> At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
---> Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We
hear you coming."
---> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Three Mosuitoes

THREE MOSQUITOES
Three horny Mosquitoes named Mike, John & Chuck were hanging out on a tree, checking out the fine female lightning bugs fly by. They were talking about who could screw the hottest lightning bug.
Mike sees a bright light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. He flies back to tell his buddies that she was really hot.
John sees an even brighter light fly by and land, he flies over and screws it. Flies back and tell his buddies she was hotter than Mike's lightning bug.
Chuck sees a bright red light fly by and land, he flies over pulls his penis out pokes the light and screams, comes back and both of his buddies were happy for Chuck, but Chuck doesn't look happy.
Mike asks "What's wrong, did she slap you?"
Chuck says "No"
John asks " Did she kick you?"
Chuck says "No, I think she was a cigarette".

Breath

BREATH
Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said, "Do you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this planet die?"
Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?"

Oliver Twist

OLIVER TWIST
Little Johnny had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Little Johnny in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Little Johnny responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey now!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!!!!"

Sexy

SEXY
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

The Middle Wife

THE MIDDLE WIFE
A grammar school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a child, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children bring in pet, turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If
they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Anna, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant and says, This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birth day "
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The children are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going Oh, oh,oh!'"
Anna puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now the child is doing this hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Anna lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This child is sitting on the floor with her little hands miming water flowing away.
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe." They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for him to do."
Then Anna stood up, took
a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Anna comes along!

A Real Man's Chain Letter

A REAL MAN'S CHAIN LETTER!
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
women, four of whom were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Beaver

BEAVER
My cousin, Marilyn, a semi-retired teacher, had agreed to fill in for a friend who had to take a few days off for a medical exam. The course was an introductory biology class and the topic for the week was mammals,
So my cousin said she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the group.
Of course the obvious place for her to look for images was on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos."
Then she says, she obviously made some sort of mistake when she did a search for "beaver photos."

Pubs

PUBS
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll
take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

Never Had An Argument

NEVER HAD AN ARGUMENT
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear.
"Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

The Evils Of Sin

THE EVILS OF SIN
A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.
He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.
"We put our TV away in the closet."
"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Definitions Of Common Words

DEFINITIONS OF COMMON WORDS!
* Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.
* Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
* Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
* Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.
* College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
* Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
* Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.
* Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
* Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
* Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
* Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
* Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.
* Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
* Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
* Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
* Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
* Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
* Father: A banker provided by nature.
* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
* Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
* Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
* Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
* Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
* Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
* Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
* Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
* Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
* Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
* Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
* Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.
* Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Bag

BAG Women to Salesman - Itna chota sa bag woh bi 1000 ka Salesman - Madam yeh lund kay chamray ka hai, zara za hath pherain gi bara ho jay ga.

Like To Dance

LIKE TO DANCE
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on, lower your standards a little. I did.

Good, Bad And Naughty

GOOD, BAD AND NAUGHTY
----> Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
----> Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
----> Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
----> Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
----> Good girls
think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
----> Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
----> Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
----> Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
----> Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
----> Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
----> Good girls say a big no to oral activity.
Bad girls love to do BJ.
Naughty girls want to swap the cum.
----> Good girls say no.
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
----> Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

Swallow A House Key

SWALLOW A HOUSE KEY
The class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, little Maury answered, "I'd climb through the window!"

White Angel With Wings

WHITE ANGEL WITH WINGS
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay, I will turn you into a sanitary pad."

Cartoons

CARTOONS
Mother:“OKay, you win. If you lie down and go to sleep I’ll let you watch a half-hour of cartoons when you wake up.”
Infant: “I always insist on a prenaptual agreement.”

Pre-Mature

PRE-MATURE
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from pre-mature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.

Major Peoblem

MAJOR PROBLEM
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visited a marriage counselor.
The counselor asked the wife, "What seems to be the major problem?"
She responded, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"
The husband hesitated for a few seconds and responded, "Well, that's exactly true, cuz she's the one that suffers, not me."

Serious Crash

SERIOUS CRASH
A Mississippi gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.
Daisy Mae: Ok
Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up
Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

10 Characteristics Of The Company Car

10 CHARACTERISTICS OF THE COMPANY CAR...
** Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
** Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
** Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
** The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
** It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
** It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
** The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
**
Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
** It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
** It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Announcements

ANNOUNCEMENTS
From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Measurements

MEASUREMENTS
Jim: So your blind date had measurements of 39-23-35?
Jeff: That's right. It's just too bad they weren't in that order.

Do You Remember Your Dad Saying This

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR DAD SAYING THIS (or was it Mom)
* Ask your mother.
* Close that door!
* Were you raised in a barn?
* I let you win.
* Because I said so. That's why!
* Big boys don't cry.
* We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are
* When I was your age,
* It's only blood.
* Don't you know any normal kids ?
* Now you listen to ME, mister!
* It will stunt your growth.
* A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off
* Enough is enough!
* Don't make me stop the car!
* Why didn't you go before we left the house ?
* Get your elbows off the table!
* Wipe your feet!
* I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
* Who said life was fair? .
* Sit up straight
* Think you're smart, do you?
* You call that a haircut?
* Do you think t'm just talking to hear my own voice!
* "Hey" is for horses.
* This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
* Turn off those lights. Do you think we're made of money?
* Don't give me any of your lip, young lady! - What are your intentions with my daughter?
*
You call that noise "music?"
* Do what I say, not what I do. ,
* What's so funny?
* Wipe that smile off your face.
* If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
* Am I talking to a brick wall?
* You throw like a girl.
* Young ladies do not sweat; they perspire.
* I'm not sleeping, I was watching that
* What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
* Don't believe everything you hear and only half of what you see.
* What do you think I am, a bank?
* What part of NO don't you understand?
* I don't care who is going !!
* You're not leaving this house dressed like that!
*
If you're gonna be dumb, you've better be tough.
* Didn't your teacher learn you anything?! -
* You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
* Hey, do you hear me talking to you?
* You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl.
* I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.
* Don't use that tone with me!
* If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
* Act your age.
* Two wrongs do not make a right.
* What did I just get finished telling you?

Over Weight Woman

OVER WEIGHT WOMAN
A grossly overweight woman gets on a train and seats herself next to a man during rush hour.
The train was packed and the woman turns to the man and says, "If YOU were a gentleman, you'd stand and let one of these other ladies sit down!"
The man looks at her and replies, "And if YOU were a lady, you'd stand and let FIVE or SIX of them sit down!!"

Happy Hole

HAPPY HOLE
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.
She said, "Aww, so solly... exkooz me pleazo, Flont hole so happy back hole laugh out loud!"

Cook Best

COOK BEST
Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"

Obsession

OBSESSION
Man 1 : "My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and say '1st gear, 2nd gear...'"
Man 2 : "My wife is worse! She puts my bird inside her and say 'Full Tank please'."

Viagra Quarter

VIAGRA QUARTER
A man went to the chemist to buy ¼ of a Viagra.
The Chemist said that it would be useless.
The man said, "I am 70, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes."

One Liners

ONE LINERS
* I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't type.
* The plumber can’t put inn the bathroom fixtures until next month. That’s a shower stall if I’ve ever heard one.
* Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?
* If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.
* I didn't believe my
wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding.
* So I'm chatting with this chick online, and I tell her I have her favorite song on vinyl. She says, "You're really dating yourself." So I say, "Duh. Why do you think I'm hanging out in a chat room in the first place?"
* Could Hitler's bunker be considered attacks shelter?
* Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" had never seen a pussy before.
* Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of beasts got the lion's share.
* Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
* Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
* If a deaf person has to go to
court, is it still called a hearing?
* The reason most men say they fall quickly asleep after having sex is because they're worn out from being up half the night begging for it.
* Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
* You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in two minutes...
* They say you can't have too much of a good thing. I wish I'd been part of that study.
* It's Easier To Build A Child Than To Repair An Adult
* Don't Tell Me That Worryin' Won't Help Cuz Things I
Worry About Don't Happen
* Life May Not Be The Party Hoped For But We're Here So Why Not Dance
* Patience Is Idling Your Motor When You Feel Like Stripping Gears
* As Long As Women Have Curves Men Will Have Angles
* Love Is Friendship Set On Fire
* Women are like computers - even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

Impotent

IMPOTENT
For years Bill's friends had chided him about being impotent. So it was with great glee that he reported his wife had just come from the doctor's, and she was pregnant.
"Well, why not?" teased an agitator, "Nobody ever doubted your wife."

The Sahara Bridge

THE SAHARA BRIDGE
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.
An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology as are the Germans known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous."
A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that noone had dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off
to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!"
To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we could not dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off of it."

Know The Difference Between Guts And Balls

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS ???
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of cheap perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Old Family Bible

OLD FAMILY BIBLE
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8.
He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a previously enjoyed COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8.
She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She Is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Dallas District Court

DALLAS DISTRICT COURT
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

Talkative Golfer

TALKATIVE GOLFER
A talkative golfer complained to a friend one day about a rude fellow who was in the clubhouse with him. "The man must have yawned four or five times while I was talking," he said.
"Maybe he wasn't yawning," the friend commented. "Maybe he was trying to say something."

Terms

TERMS
MALE MENOPAUSE
Change of Wife
HYSTERECTOMY
An operation that removes the baby carriage but leaves the playpen in good condition.
CONTRACEPTIVE
An article to be worn on every conceivable occasion.
RECREATION
Screwing ones wife even though she's already pregnant.
PESSIMIST
A woman who's afraid she won't be able to squeeze her car into a very small parking space.
OPTIMISTIC
A man who thinks she won't try.

Gorgeous New Man

GORGEOUS NEW MAN
Nadine: I've decided to throw myself at that gorgeous new man at the health club.
Jill: Hmmm, I heard that he prefers women who play hard to get.
Nadine: Honey, I'm not playing. I mean business.

Realistic Vibrator

REALISTIC VIBRATOR
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

Baseball Quote

BASEBALL QUOTE
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

Lawyer

LAWYER
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen - I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Headache

HEADACHE
If you're getting the "Not Tonight Dear I've Got A Headache" line, it's been proven that during the female orgasm, endorphins are released, which are powerful painkillers .
So the fact is headaches are a poor excuse for a woman to not have sex.

The Perfect Husband

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also
stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price
... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Plan Ahead

PLAN AHEAD
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.
The second man yells down,
"Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

Tiny Organ

TINY ORGAN
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.
After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "Well, It's not used to playing.

Retired

RETIRED
Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that you'r retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.
"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."
"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.
"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.
Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."
Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all
day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."
The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand and began punching the top of grandpa's penis with her right hand.

Love vs Lust vs Marriage

LOVE vs. LUST vs. MARRIAGE
----> Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
----> Love - When intercourse is called "makin love".
Lust - When intercourse is called "screwing."
Marriage - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
----> Love - When you argue over how many children to have.
Lust - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
----> Love - When you share everything you
own.
Lust - When you steal everything they own.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.
----> Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - When...uh...what's a climax?
----> Love - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
Lust - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
----> Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage - When all you write is checks.
----> Love - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
Lust - When your only concern is to
find a room with mirrors all around.
Marriage - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.
----> Love - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - When you only see each other naked.
Marriage - When you never see each other awake.
----> Love - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
----> Love - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
Marriage - When you listen to talk radio.
----> Love - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage - When just getting through the day is your only thought.
----> Love - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage - When you're only interested in your golf score.
----> Love - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
----> Love - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
Lust - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage - You only leave the house when you're allowed.
----> Love - When you take a bubble bath together.
Lust - When you take a bath in Jell-O together.
Marriage - When you give the kids a bath.
----> Love - A romantic candlelight dinner for two.
Lust - "Do I have to buy you dinner first?".
Marriage - 4 Happy Meals...to go .
----> Love - Giving your love some candy.
Lust - Thinking you are the candy.
Marriage - Scraping candy off of the carpet.
----> Love - A night out at the Symphony.
Lust - A night out at the Ramada Inn.
Marriage - A night out at Sesame Street On Ice.
----> Love - Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold.
Lust - "I can think of a way to stay
warm..."
Marriage - Your teenager just took your jacket.
----> Love - Talking and cuddling.
Lust - Rolling over and falling asleep.
Marriage - Getting up to wash your hands...
----> Love - Long drives through the countryside.
Lust - Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout.
Marriage - Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat.
----> Love - Sex every night.
Lust - Sex 5 times a night.
Marriage - Sex ?

Improving The System

IMPROVING THE SYSTEM
An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it" "No taxes." "No debt." "Plenty buffalo." "Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work." "Medicine man free." "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing." "All night having sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

From Bad To Worse

FROM BAD TO WORSE
Now my wife just left and the well went dry, and my horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down, and the road washed out bon the way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat, and they both died right soon after that.
Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke, so I can't even sit and read and smoke.
Then a tree fell on the chicken shed, and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall, and this old shack is about to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine, and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out, and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place, and my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,and I lost my job and a whole lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple curse, as things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack, to top off it all, my wife's coming back

Murphy's Technology Laws

MURPHY'S TECHNOLOGY LAWS
- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
- Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
- The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
-
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
- An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
- Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
- All great discoveries are made by mistake.
- Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
- All's well that ends.
- A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
- The first myth of management is that it exists.
- A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
-
New systems generate new problems.
- To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
- We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
- Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
- The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
- Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
- Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.
- To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
- A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
- If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
- Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
- Under the
most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
- If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
- The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
- In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
- Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
- All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
- The only perfect science is hind-sight.
- Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
- If it's not in the computer, it
doesn't exist.
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- Everything that goes up must come down.
- Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
- Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
- Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
- The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
- Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
by

Electronic Cat And Dog Caller

ELECTRONIC CAT AND DOG CALLER
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked, "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

Obnoxious Guest

OBNOXIOUS GUEST
At a recent dinner party, one of the guests, a particularly obnoxious male guest, who was overly impressd with his financial status and bragged about it to anyone who would listen, tried to make some clever remarks.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, and thinking he was being witty, asked loudly, "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting at the table, commented quietly, "That depends on which end of the fork you're referring to?"

Pebbles

PEBBLES
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock.
"A little while laterPebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks.
"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

An Intelligent Lover's Love Letter

AN INTELLIGENT LOVER'S LOVE LETTER
This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However, the girl's father does not like him and want him to stop their relationship...... and so.. The boy wrote this letter to the girl.. he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter..
1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very
boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have
no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."
So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd No.'s)
Go read it once again but the Odd Number lines..

New Gynaecologist

NEW GYNAECOLOGIST
It had been almost a year since her last check up at the clinic, and after her exam was over, JoAnn met her girlfriend for lunch.
She was complaing about the young new gynaecologist that had replaced the old doc that had finally retired.
Her girlfriend asked Jo what didn't she like about the new one, and Jo said it just was different.
Well the friend said, was the older doc more professional in his demeanor or something ?.
JoAnn, lost in thought said, " No ", then mumbled, "but his hands use to shake !"

Goldfish

GOLDFISH
Diane buys a hundred goldfish.
There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub.
One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"
Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them."

Top 10 Reasons Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers

TOP 10 REASONS WHY THERE ARE NO BLACK NASCAR DRIVERS:
10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the sametime.
6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
1 - When they crash their cars,
they bail out and run

See Me Across

SEE ME ACROSS
A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"
Our guy replied, "Just a minute."
He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"

Weeweechu

WEEWEECHU
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....
SO,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both
sang....
"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
and a hoppy New Year !"

Cleaning

CLEANING
----> Windows:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
----> Cobwebs:
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them &call them holiday decorations.)
----> Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for
underprivileged children. (Also keepsout cold drafts in winter.)
----> Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
----> Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
----> General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get
anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.
----> Another favorite
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Signs

SIGNS
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

Wrong Change

WRONG CHANGE
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !"
Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much.

Twisters

TWISTERS
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with
a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,"said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put himdown."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Bedroom Discussion

BEDROOM DISCUSSION
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me
anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Ancient Headlines In Today's News

ANCIENT HEADLINES IN TODAY'S NEWS -- IF BIBLICAL HEADLINES WERE WRITTEN TODAY:
----> Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
----> David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
----> Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
----> Birth of
Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
----> Feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
----> Healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
----> Healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
----> Raising Lazarus from the
dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Hunting Trip

HUNTING TRIP
A psychologist, an engineer and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Canada. Seeking shelter, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered. They saw something strange. A large pot-bellied, cast-iron stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beans. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?
The psychologist concluded, "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother's womb."
The engineer theorized, "The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to
distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."
The theologian speculated, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries."
While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.
"Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe," the trapper said.

Lawsuits

LAWSUITS A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out .... how do I get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat." His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?" The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul
answers .... "Neider, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's beer for all the ugly women I've slept with."

Key Business

KEY BUSINESS
The Brothers at the monastery decide to open a locksmith shop.
It was very successful and kept them quite busy, to the point where they began to neglect their spiritual duties.
What did the Bishop say when he heard about this?
Cut out the monk key business

Wedding Cost

WEDDING COST
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but he was no oil painting, either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the vicar how much the cost was.
"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the vicar $50.
The vicar looked at Tom's wife and gave him $42 change.

Incorrect Answer

INCORRECT ANSWER
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba
then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

Broken Off Engagement

BROKEN OFF ENGAGEMENT
Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I've broken off my engagement to Monty."
"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I'm so sorry. Why?"
"Because my feelings towards Monty have changed - they just aren't the same anymore," replies Sharon.
"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"
"No I'm not," replies Sharon, "my feelings towards the ring haven't changed."

Sleep On Floor

SLEEP ON FLOOR
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Soldiers

SOLDIERS
On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"

Q & A

Q & A
Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper
Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A: Not a *damn* thing!
Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left breast?
A: Because 99% of the guys are right handed.
Q: Why are egyptian children are always confused about their parents?
A: Because their daddies become mummuies after death.
Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A: A pubic hair.
Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A: A penis...even a thought can raise it.
Q: What did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband when she cheated on him?
A: “Honey, I’ve gone public.”
Q: Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
A: He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.
Q: Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a
new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo machine.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Why was alcohol created?
A: So ugly people could have sex, too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the
difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: What's the difference betweena Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Q: What Beetle song reminds you of your wedding night?
A: "It's Been A Hard Day's Night!"
Q: Did The Astronaut Like The Restaurant On The Moon?
A: He Thought The Food Was Fine But There Wasn't Much Of An Atmosphere!
Q: How Did The Astronaut Serve Dinner In Outer Space?
A: On Flying Saucers!
Q:
What do you call a kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?
A: Bi-sexual
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.
Q: Why do we say 'amen' in church instead of 'awomen'?
A: Because we sing hymns, not hers.
Q: What is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
A: Mint Sauce
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: Why do men love blowjobs so much?
A: They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.
Q: Why do Jewish
girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!
Q: What were the 2 Mexican FireFighting Brother's names?
A: Hose A and Hose B
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
Q: What is the difference between stress and tension?
A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your secretary is pregnant.
Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A: A tourist.
Q: How does James
Bond like his pussy?
A: Shaven, not furred.
Q: Why is the '69' position also called the smokers position?
A: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Q: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation?
A: Because it's HANDMADE!
Q: What is the similarity between your salary and a women's period
A: Both come once a month, last about 5-7 days and if either one doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble!
Q: What is the smallest hotel in the world ?
A: It's Vagina Inn because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant who must leave his 2 bags outside!
Q: What's the difference between biology and
sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis called?
A: The man.
Q: Why is breast milk good for health?
A: Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
Q: Why do Australian men cum so fast?
A: So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A1. It's sad watching a grown man cry.
A2. It will cause
him to come faster so bad sex is over sooner.
Q: How can you tell that God is a woman?
A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.
Q: Why do men float?
A: Because they are scum
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So the sperm can enjoy the scenery
Q: Did you hear about the church fire?
A: Holy Smoke!
Q: What is a gay masochist?
A: A sucker for punishment.
Q: Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
A: She caught him by the organ!
Q: Why is a 25 year old gay like a 90 year old hetero-sexual?
A: For each one, sex is behind him.
Q: How do you get fresh air into a Russian
church?
A: You click on an icon, and a window opens.
Q: How did the Kiwi farmer find his sheep in the long grass?
A: Very satisfying
Q: What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?
A: Yoko Ono
Q: Why do bi-sexuals and gay men smoke cigars?
A: Practice makes perfect!
Q: How do you know you've walked into a homosexual church service?
A: Only half the congregation are kneeling.
Q: What is a gay seven course dinner?
A: Seven inches, seven ways.
Q: What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath?
A: One has a soul full of hope.
Q: "Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes?
A: "Short, shorter,
and don't bend over!"
Q: What is the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to retrain them.
Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.
Q: What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp penis?
A: You don't fuck with either one.
Q:
What is the difference between a microwave and a gay male's lifestyle?
A: The microwave won't brown your meat.
Q: Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A: Because they have no organs!
Q: What is the most entertaining part about gay bars?
A: The cockfighting in the back room.
Q: What is it called when a woman who had very bad diarrhoea was anally used by six men.
A: It was a shitty shitty gang bang.
Q: What is the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar?
A: May I move your stool?
Q: Why did the church for athiests fail?
A: Because there was no prophet in it.
Q: Why is swiss cheese served at church?
A: Because it's holey!
Q:
Why was the gay fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: For drinking on the job.
Q: Why was the gay sergeant court-martialed?
A: They caught him playing with his privates.
Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.
Q: Did you hear about the gay milkman?
A: He never left an empty behind.
Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.
Q: How is Antarctica and a women's clitoris alike?
A: Most men know it's down there, but most men don't care.
Q: How do you make a man horny?
A: Tie his hands behind his back.
Q: Daughter: Mum, what's a penis?
A: Mother: That's
where dad wees from.
Q: Daughter: Well, what's a prick?
A: Mother: That's easy. It's the rest of him.
Q: What's the difference between an average man and a doctor?
A: The doctor is polite when asking you to undress.
The doctor listens when you complain,
and the doctor washes his hands before touching you.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
Q: What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vey.
Q: What is common
between a wife and a swimming pool?
A: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!
Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from medical school.
Q: What's the difference between sugar and Sweet & Low?
A: Sugar's when you kiss her on the lips . . .
Q: What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?
A: Nothing.
Q: Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A: They only know one
four-letter word beginning with F.
Q: Define "Genius."
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: Why did the professional psychic file for disability?
A: Her third eye had glaucoma.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A: The accent.
Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favourite sexual position is next door.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.
Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A: A power failure.
Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: What do men and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What good can sex do?
A: Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why did the blonde secretary cut off her finger?
A: She wanted to write
shorthand.
Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFO's
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.
Q: How does a woman hold her licker?
A: By the ears
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her
Q: Why are two out of every three Texas women bowl-legged?
A: Because two out of every three Texas men eat with their hats on!
Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
A: Self employed.
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like
urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.
Q: Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
A: You didn't?! It's all over town!
Q: What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Q: What did the apple say to the worm?
A: You're boring me.
Q: Why was the 86 year old man acquitted of rape?
A: The evidence wouldn't stand up in court
Q: What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?
A: Something smells fishy around here.
Q: What does Henry Youngman call "having one wife too many"?
A: Marriage
Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
A:
He marks the camels that kick
Q: What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
A: He breaks his nose.
Q: You had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: VERY large hands.
Q: If an athlete gets athletes foot, what does an astronaut get?
A: Missle toe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a mean dog and a computer?
A: A mega-bite!
Q: What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
A: He breaks his nose.
Q: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all;
it is already built.
Q: What do you call breasts injected with silicone?
A: A drug bust
Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you give a blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?
A: She turns the ignition key.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Did you hear about this Latina
gal who was a so-called Expert at oral sex?
A: Men all over the Rio Grande referred to her as, "the Gulp of Mexico!"