Mom's Stylist

MOM'S STYLIST
Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

Weeping Bride

WEEPING BRIDE The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor. "Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled. "Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line."

Eye And Finger

EYE AND FINGER Mary: I think that guy at the end of the bar is giving you the eye. Jill: Oh, yeah? How about if I give him the finger?

Shrink

SHRINK A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife in unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

Amazing

AMAZING "It's really amazing," Jill told her wealthy middle-aged lover as he was reclining on the bed. "You have a beautiful head of gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area." "Not as amazing as you might think," he continued, "my brain has to do all the worrying. "Mr Happy" hasn't got a care in the world."

One Liners

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Asked To Get Married

ASKED TO GET MARRIED Sarah: I've been asked to get married hundreds of times. Miriam: (surprised) Really?! By whom? Sarah: My parents.

Cute Little Pharmacist

CUTE LITTLE PHARMACIST Bill: I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the drugstore is stuck up. Doug: Why do you say that? Bill: Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something.

Marry Again

MARRY AGAIN A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again." The friend said, "How flattering." The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

Drinking

DRINKING Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours. They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?" Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."

Gastric Bypass

GASTRIC BYPASS In the last two years, gastric bypass surgeries have jumped from 40,000 a year to 120,000. You know, wouldn't it just be cheaper to build bypass roads around McDonald's and Pizza Hut?

Thoughts From A Man

THOUGHTS FROM A MAN When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

Sex In Dark

SEX IN DARK According to a recent poll, both men and women like to have sex in the dark. It's because they're afraid to see what they've brought home!

Faithful Husband

FAITHFUL HUSBAND Sylvia and Theresa were shopping when Sylvia volunteered that her husband was a completely faithful man. "He never so much as looks at another woman," she said. It's the same with my Harold," Theresa said. "He's too good, too decent, too kind and....too old."

Unremunerative Outlay Of Capital

UNREMUNERATIVE OUTLAY OF CAPITAL The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies."

What Religion Is Your Bra

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills".

System

SYSTEM
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.

Quiz Contestants

QUIZ CONTESTANTS
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
THE AFTERNOON PROGRAMME QUIZ
Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
Contestant: Oh God, I didn't
even know he was dead.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day
War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC RADIO BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name? Heil
8) A
famous Scotsman? Jock
9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? April
22) Something people might
be allergic to? Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? A roof
25) Something Slippery? A conman
26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
30) Something Red? My sweater

The Stupid Local Laws

THE STUPID LOCAL LAWS
* In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
* In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
* In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
* In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
* In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
* In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
* In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
* In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
* In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
(The sad thing is that there was a need for these laws)

Doctors Reporting

DOCTORS REPORTING
---> A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
---> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA !
--->
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
---> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew
Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
---> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . .. . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
---> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR `
---> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
---> and finally... A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly he said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't admit his name

BOOK

BOOK
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere ... even sitting in an armchair by the fire... yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. Here's how it works:
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder that keeps the sheets in
their correct sequence.
The user scans each sheet optically, registering information directly into his or her brain. A flick of the finger takes the user to the next sheet.
The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The"browse" feature allows the user to move instantly to any sheet and to move forward or backward as desired.
Most BOOKs come with an "index" feature that pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows the user to open the BOOK to the exact place left in a previous session... even if the BOOK has been closed.
BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future,
and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Math Whiz

MATH WHIZ
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.

Instructions

INSTRUCTIONS
A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan.
The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do.That night everything is going according to the plan.
When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom.
The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She
feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.
Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the box.
From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"

Why Indeed

WHY INDEED!
* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
* Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
*
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot!"?
* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
* If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
* And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends, if they're okay, then
it's you.

Candy Dispenser

CANDY DISPENSER
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person.
"How does that thing work?" she asked.
As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see..it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

If You Think You're Dumb About Computers

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see"
the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't
even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the
load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that."

Blonde's Riddle

BLONDE'S RIDDLE
A man was on a flight to New York from LA. He was sitting next to a blonde lady. He decided to have some fun, so he asked the blonde to play a game.
The game went like this: he would ask a question, and if she didn't know the answer, she would pay him $10, and vise versa.
The blonde refused, and tried to take a nap, but the man, instead of giving up, said "I'll pay you $100 for every question I don't know, and you can only pay me $10. Okay?"
The blonde finally accepted.
The man asked: "Who is the leader of Russia?"
The blonde promptly handed him a $10 bill.
Then she asked: "What is black and white and runs up
hills backwards?" The man pondered on this for a while, then took out his laptop and preceded to check all his references, email all his friends, and ask the question in chat rooms.
After an hour the man handed the blonde $100, then asked "What was it anyway?"
The blonde handed him a $10 bill and chuckled.

Soap And Water

SOAP AND WATER
After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

Marital Bliss

MARITAL BLISS
A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high spending, forever nagging, wife told him "Ok you small brained dumbfuck, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Headache

HEADACHE
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?

Extra

EXTRA
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

Where You Going

WHERE YOU GOING
Little Johnny's walking down the street one day and an old man stops him and says "where you going lil' Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I'm going to the pond".
Whatcha got under your arm.
"I got a sack, im gonna catch some ducks" says Johnny.
The old man says, "You cant catch no ducks with a sack, get out of here Johnny".
A few hours later Johnny comes back with a sack full of ducks.
Next day lil' Johnny is walking down the street and the old man asks, "where you going lil' Johnny?"
Lil' Johnny says, "goin down to the pond"
Whatcha got under your arm lil' Johnny?
"I got some chicken wire, for catchin chickens"
The old man replies, "You cant catch no chickens with chicken wire, get out of here lil' Johnny"
A few hours later lil' johnny comes back with a sack full of chickens.
The next day lil' Johnny is walking down the street and the old man asks "where you goin lil' Johnny?"
Lil' Johnny says "goin down to the pond"
The old man asks "whatcha got under your arm?"
Lil' Johnny replies, "A PUSSY WILLOW"
The old man looks at Johnny and says, "Hold on let me get my coat"

Snake Bite

SNAKE BITE
Once there were 2 guys camping. They had a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, "I just got bit by a snake on the tip of my you know what".
The other guy says, "Don't worry I'll go to town and ask a doctor what I can do".
So the guy goes to the nearest town after 30 min. he finds a doctor. He ask the doctor," Doctor, my friend just got bit by a snake, what can I do"?
The doctor says. "Calm down all you have to do is suck the poison out".
So the friend goes back to the campsite where his friend was laying on the ground. He asks, "So what did the doctor say"?
The friend says, "The doctor says your going to
die"!

99 Secrets Girls Have To Know About Guys

99 SECRETS GIRLS HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT GUYS
1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
2. Guys hate flirts.
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all
your bad characteristics.
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them.
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!
13. Guys cry!!!
14. Don't provoke(irritate) the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
18.
Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands.
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
24. Guys hate gays!
25. Guys love their moms.
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of
roses.
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
28 You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
31. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
32. Guys are very open about themselves.
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
37. Your
best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.
43. Guys virtually brag about anything.
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.
45. Guys think too much.
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a
guy but her weight does!
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.
53. When an unlikable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will
power.
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends.
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying,"Please come and listen to me"
59. Guys don't really have final decisions.
60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.
64. Guys
like femininity not feebleness.*
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups.
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection.
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.
74. Girls
who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.
79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them,they'll realize they're wrong.
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.
83.
Guys' weakest point is at the knee.
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you.
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance,give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance,ignore him.
88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at u and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.
90. Guys learn from experience not from the
romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.
94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.
96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
98. Guys hate girls who overreact.
99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are
serious in your relationships

Mike Tyson Jokes

MIKE TYSON JOKES
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
----> Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
----> Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
----> For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
----> New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
----> They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
----> Can't beat
um...Eat um!!!!
----> If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
----> In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
----> Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
----> Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

Indian Names

INDIAN NAMES
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Candy Bars

CANDY BARS
It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I
blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I then said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped........a Baby Ruth.

Hurricane Jokes

HURRICANE JOKES
Just incase your not sick of me talking about this fucking hurricane, here's some final jokes to give you that full feeling.
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
Q: Why are hurricanes named after men?
A: Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you look into their eyes there's nothing there.
Note: They are however called HURricanes and not HISricanes...
Q: What's the difference between hurricane bonnie and hurricane Monica?
A: hurricane Monica blew a crooked path
hurricane bonnie induced only one surge (vs 18)
Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: Hang on to your nuts - this isn't going to be a regular blow job!
Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
Q: A man once asked his friend the difference between a cyclone, A hurricane and a divorced wife.
A: Nothing, They all get the house.

Squirrel Check

SQUIRREL CHECK
Tarzan and Jane are going to do it for the first time, but Tarzan tells Jane that he doesn't know how to do it.
Jane says "Look , it's very easy" and she explains what is to make love.
Tarzan tells her , "Tarzan does it in tree trunk hole".
Jane tells him, "you've got it all wrong, you stick it in this hole" motioning to her crutch.
Tarzan and Jane get naked and Jane motions to her crutch for Tarzan to put it in.
Tarzan goes to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crutch.
Jane twitching with pain asks Tarzan " what was that for"?
And Tarzan says, " Tarzan checks for
Squirrels".

Some Funny Thoughts

SOME FUNNY THOUGHTS
- The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you.
- A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!
- Repeat after me: we are all individuals!
- If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards?
- I used to be indecisive ... I think.
-
A careful study of economics has recently revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- You've heard that it takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb? One to screw it almost all the way in and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.
- A country is put under emergency (Pakistan) because the biggest sponsor of state terrorism (Pervez Musharraf) thinks that Judges are sponsoring terrorism. (and appoints those judges again)
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn't a coward take care of cows?
- I'm not cheap ... but I am on special this week.
- When I'm not in my right mind, well, my left mind can get awful crowded.

The Little Firemen

THE LITTLE FIREMEN
One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and conscious of someone behind him turned round to see a little boy with a fireman's outfit on sitting in a little cart he had painted red.
He had a rope tied round a dogs neck and a rope tied round a cats testicles.
The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was round the cats testicles round the cats neck.
The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster but then he wouldn't have a siren.

Seventy Two

SEVENTY TWO
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66
other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Jewish Air Conditioning

JEWISH AIR-CONDITIONING
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker.
"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.
"We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.
Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr.
Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars."
Then he paused. And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air- conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They
haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM HI and MAX

What Did Santa Bring You

WHAT DID SANTA BRING YOU? A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask "what seems to be the problem?" "My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?" Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and
says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He woke up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said "son what did Santa bring you?" I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can't find the little bastard.

Sunburn

SUNBURN
To prepare for his big date, a young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".
He was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool
glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his 'Johnson' immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Teaching Today

TEACHING TODAY
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem.
"You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and
where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for their elders and future employers.
"And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
"You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"

Prize

PRIZE
Bubba and Billy Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back
to paper."

When To Accept A Proposal ... Or Not

WHEN TO ACCEPT A PROPOSAL... OR NOT
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more
than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

Tombstones

TOMBSTONES
Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others.
* He was a simple man who died of complications
* He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner
* Stranger, tread this ground with gravity Dentist Brown is filling his his cavity

Helpline

HELPLINE
This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitor in the customer care department. Needless to say, the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that
tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes it is. "
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too @#!*@!!! stupid to own a computer."

When To Propose ... Or Not

WHEN TO PROPOSE... OR NOT
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to
the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?

Midlife For Women

MIDLIFE FOR WOMEN
* Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
* Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
* Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
* Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
* Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
* The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news
is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Warning Signs Of Insanity

WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY
* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
*
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* Melba toast excites you.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.
* Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
* Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Unscientific Answers

UNSCIENTIFIC ANSWERS
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, And your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't Love, it's Like.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
It isn't Love, it's Lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't Love, it's Luck.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.
Do you stay for their confessions of Love, because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't Love, it's Pity.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't Love, it's Friendship.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?
It isn't Love, it's a Lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't Love, it's Charity.
Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's Love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's Love.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's Love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then it's Love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's Love.
But do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's Love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's Love.
Now, if Love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we Love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of
self?
Why?
Because it's... Love

Lawyer Q & A

LAWYER Q & A
*Q.* What do lawyers use for birth control?
*A.* Their personalities.
*Q.* What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
*A.* A tick falls off of you when you die.
*Q.* Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
*A.* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
*Q.* What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
*A.* Not enough sand.
*Q.* What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
*A.* There are skid marks in
front of the skunk.
*Q.* What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
*A.* A Doberman.
*Q.* What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
*A.* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
*Q.* Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
*A.* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
*Q.* What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
*A.* Lipstick.
*Q.* Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
*A.* The old
drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
*Q.* It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
*A.* I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
*Q.* A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
*Q.* Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
*A.* He gets taller.

Jailhouse Pickup Lines

JAILHOUSE PICKUP LINES
* "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
* "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
* "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night."
* "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."
* "You're new here... let me introduce you to the penal system."
* "Prisoner Johnson need a weekend furlough?"

Great Steaks

GREAT STEAKS
Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of cow.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends about, you serve small
steaks! What is the meaning of this???"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Texan Poetry

TEXAN POETRY
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked
the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?!
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

Tea Please

TEA PLEASE
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk
please.
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:"White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst"

Guide Dog

GUIDE DOG
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Absence

ABSENCE
A seven year-old comes to class one morning after being absent the day before. His teacher asked, "Why weren't you at school yesterday?"
"Well, my Granddad got burnt," he explains.
"Oh dear. He wasn't too badly hurt was he?" the teacher replies.
"Oh yes, they don't mess around at those crematoriums!"

The Hillbilly Hunter

THE HILLBILLY HUNTER
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden
looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"

Some Smart Replies

SOME SMART REPLIES.....
* HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!
* HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
* HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
* HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
* HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
*
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
* HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
* HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
* HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
* HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
* HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
* HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
*
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
* HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
* HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

PUSH

PUSH
A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day.
For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a Matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a
millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?
"Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.
"True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push
and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."
*At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him.
By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.**
When everything seems to go wrong .... just P.U.S.H.!
When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!
When people don't react the way you think they should .... just P.U.S.H.
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due ..... just P.U.S.H.!
When people just don't understand you .... just.. P.U.S.H.!
P= Pray
U=
Until
S= Something
H= Happens

The Woman With Three Fannies

THE WOMAN WITH THREE FANNIES
A woman goes to a doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 fannies. What can you do for me?"
The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three fannies, side by side.
After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets out a roll of gaffer tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer fannies.
"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."
"Has that cured my problem then?" asks the woman.
"Not really," says the doctor, "but at least it'll stop you getting fucked
left, right and centre."

Martha Or Maxine Way

MARTHA OR MAXINE WAY
Martha's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
Martha's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way
Go to the
bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".
Maxine's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. "
Martha's Way
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way
Celery? Never heard of it.
Martha's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way
Cure
for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
Martha's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!

Eagle And Stud

EAGLE AND STUD
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
"And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St.Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

Fire

FIRE
Mike came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

How Many You Got

HOW MANY YOU GOT
There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think -- it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on.
No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7)
Write down your answers and then check your answers (on the bottom) only AFTER completing all the questions.
REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! -- BE HONEST!!!
That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends and also back to the one who sent it to you.
LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. Here we go!
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2 How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4.
What six colours are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF T V dial?
13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?
16. How many sides does a stop sign have?
17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that
adjusts the opening between the slats?
24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?
25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
27. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
ANSWERS
1. Bottom
2. 50
3. Right
4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
5. 1, 0
6. Right
7. 20
8. Red
9. 88
10. Clockwise (north of the equator)
11. Towards bottom right
12. 12 (no #1)
13. Left
14. Clockwise as you look at it
15. The Bluenose
16. 8
17. Left
18. 5
19. 6
20. Bashful
21. 8
22. Ace of spades
23. Left
24.
Loon
25. *, #
26. 3
27. Counter
Pass this along to your friends and put how many you got right in the subject line. :-)