Meat To Eat

MEAT TO EAT
The teacher in the bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.
"The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month-until you loathe it."
The woman paused, looked up and said.... "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

Aneurism

ANEURISM
Bill Gorman sat at the bar with his friend. "My new novel is almost complete. But I have to find a way to 'dispose of' the mad scientist. "There's no way any of the characters can knock him off, so I'll accept some sort of deus-ex-machina solution. But I've tried several and I'm not happy with the way any of them turns out."
"Why not an aneurism?" asked Paul.
"Not bad," Bill replied.
"Hmmm... a stroke of genius."

Wife Or Deaf Situation

WIFE OR DEAF SITUATION
My cousin is in a bad spot. He's got a bad inner ear problem that needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing on that side. He has no insurance, though, and the cost is WAY too much for him.
He does have a way out, though.
A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the operation, but only if he'll marry her, afterwards! She's 50 years older than him!
You could call it a wife or deaf situation.

Dollar's Reach

DOLLAR'S REACH
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C.
The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Little Funnies To Share

LITTLE FUNNIES TO SHARE
* To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
* "Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie. What do you call yours?"
"I don't have to call mine anything, It usually comes without being called."
* What do you call a magazine that features pictures of orgasms?
Spurts Illustrated
* The photographer brought his attractive assistant into the dark room tosee what would develop.
* What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
* A
useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!" Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine.
* I had a staff sergeant who'd pick fights with his recruits just so he could lick his privates.
* What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
* After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders."
* The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level.
* Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.
* The
violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
* TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
* A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.
* If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you?
You are built upside down.

Two Wolves

TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

God Save The Queen

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
In a medieval castle lived a king, who with no TV or L games to watch, was becoming bored. So after dinner one night he decided to hold a contest to see who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
After the contest was announced the first knight stood up and proclaimedthat he had the mightiest weapon... proceeded to pull down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it, and his weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women did swoon while peeking through their veils...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played joyous music.
After several more knights attempted to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. And his weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women screamed, shouted, swooned and passed out from desire...the children waved many colored banners and the band played - "God Save the Queen."

Establishing Parameters

ESTABLISHING PARAMETERS
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy-up," Squiffy replied.

Four Bones

FOUR BONES
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

You're A Teacher If...

YOU'RE A TEACHER IF...
* You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
* You find humor in other people's stupidity.
* You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
* You believe chocolate is a food group.
* You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
* You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
* When out in public you feel the urge
to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
* You have no life between August to June.
* When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
* You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
* You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
* You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
* You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
* You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
* You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
* You know you are in for a
major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
* You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

If My Body Was A Car

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR
* If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer
model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
* My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
* My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.!
* Air bag's ? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
* I
have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
* My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
* My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
* My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
* It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
* My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it.....
* Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!

Butt Dust

BUTT DUST
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Bribe And Groom

BRIBE AND GROOM
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Peckers

PECKERS
Knowing that my fiancé's mother is an avid bird-watcher, I planned an intimate
get-to-know-you picnic for the three of us at Dream Canyon in Colorado.
I'd heard a rumor that nude sunbathers sometimes frequented the place, but having been there twice and never seen one, I tagged the location as safe.
Fifteen minutes into our picnic, our idyllic spot was overrun with nude men. Aghast, we ate quickly, and then I ushered my future mother-in-law toward the exit.
On our way out, I spotted a native bird in a tree and said, "Look, Mom, it's a Colorado downy woodpecker."
She replied, "Well, we've seen a lot of native Colorado peckers today, haven't we?"

Art Gallery

ART GALLERY
Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Mary walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

Man In Pain

MAN IN PAIN
A man goes to a clinic early on a Monday morning and asks to see a doctor. He appears to be in great pain, and his hands are in bandages.
The nurse looks at him sympathetically. "Arthritis, with complications?" she asks.
"No," says the man. "Do-it-yourself, with concrete blocks."

Enemy

ENEMY
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"

Guts And Balls

GUTS AND BALLS
Guts:
is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"
Balls:
is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next"

Birthday Gift

BIRTHDAY GIFT
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Friday)

Fifteen Ways To Avoid Good Southern Ass Whuppin

*FIFTEEN WAYS TO AVOID A GOOD SOUTHERN ASS WHUPPIN...*
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead
to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak
proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

Swallowed A Fly

SWALLOWED A FLY
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time.
The book they were reading was THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY.
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on FEAR FACTOR.""

Matchmaker

MATCHMAKER
Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants," he says, "a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... a sample."
She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60
references."

Playing In Sandbox

PLAYING IN SANDBOX
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well
then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

Little Johnny's 'Bookish' Father

LITTLE JOHNNY'S "BOOKISH" FATHER
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin
stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Terrible Cook

TERRIBLE COOK
A sorely-pressed newlywed sought valiantly to console his little bride, who prawled... dissolved in tears... on the chaise lounge, "Darling," he implored, "believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer."

Texas Redneck

TEXAS REDNECK
A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road with his girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck started to buck and stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend that he had to get a new truck. He walked down the block and found a GMC dealership. Once inside a sales lady approaches him and says, "Sir, may I help you".
He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for a hummer?"
She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there.
He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!"
The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the state of Texas. Then she says, "Sir if
you can get a hummer cheaper than what I will give it to you for, I will give you the key to this truck right now."
With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her into the dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50.00.
She says, "Hell yes."
He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys to that new truck?"

Ten Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments, They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

A Quiz For People Who Think They Know Everything

A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING
1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4 Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores,
you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
10. There are seven ways a base ball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the
letter "S."
ANSWERS BELOW..........DON'T LOOK TILL YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY READY!
Answers To Quiz"
1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
Boxing.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
Baseball.
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
Strawberry.
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole
growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Period,
comma,
colon,
semicolon,
dash,
hyphen,
apostrophe,
question mark,
exclamation point,
quotation marks,
brackets,
parenthesis,
braces, and
ellipses.
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base
without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.
Batter hit by a pitch;
passed ball;
catcher interference;
catcher drops third strike;
fielder's choice; and
being designated as a pinch runner.
11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
Lettuce.
12 Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Man In Bad Shape

MAN IN BAD SHAPE
A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.
He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

A Wife Invited Some People To Dinner

A WIFE INVITED SOME PEOPLE TO DINNER
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Slightly Used Car

SLIGHTLY USED CAR
A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for ten dollars.
A woman answered the ad, but she was slightly disbelieving. "Ten bucks?!? What's the gimmick?" she inquired.
"No gimmick," the man answered. "My wife died, and in her will she asked that the car be sold and that all the money go to the mailman."

Why Are Men Happier

WHY ARE MEN HAPPIER
* Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station toilet because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress $ 5000. Tux rental- $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $5.00 for a three-pack.
*
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
* No wonder men are happier

Cartoon Laws Of Physics

CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic
forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain
bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law
IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself
without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Curtains

CURTAINS
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.

Elderly Neighbour

ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR
A man was visiting his elderly neighbour and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbour.
"My ex-wife," replied the old man.

The Ladies At Lunch

THE LADIES AT LUNCH
Mary: There's no mystery about the fact that most women are smarter than most men.
Jill: Is that so?
Mary: Absolutely! In most cases, the man is bigger than the woman, so she can't beat him up. It's illegal for her to kill him. Her only chance is to outsmart him, and that's both legal and easy.

Little Johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY
Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school's field trip.
"Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
Mom said, "Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are, but what is a, er, um, 'fucker'?"
Johnny aid, "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."
Mom said, "But who said they were called, er, you know, 'fuckers'?"
Johnny replied, "That was our teacher."
"She actually called them 'fuckers'!" said Mom, astonished.
"Well actually she called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."

Bowl

BOWL
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could
no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

Pay Themselves

PAY THEMSELVES
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kinds.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

Another Talking Frog

ANOTHER TALKING FROG
An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice. He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: "What, you're not going to kiss me?"
"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex
maniac.

Flying

FLYING
A favorite story from former CNO Admiral Jim Holloway USN Retired.......
One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply can't trust them at all. We had an argument one night at the Belvedere Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River, a bunch of our F-14 Tomcat Pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better.
Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out about how much Air Force pilots lie!!! We all agreed to meet nose on at 35 thousand and settle it once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed up at 40 thousand. God, what a
bunch of lying, low lifes those Air Force types were, showing up with a 5 thousand foot altitude advantage. Hell....if we hadn't been at 45 thousand, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have had us for breakfast!!!!!!!

Prince Andrew & Fergie

PRINCE ANDREW & FERGIE
Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I know if she is?"
"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."
After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'
"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."
"Was she nervous, son?" asked
Phillip.
"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under her arse.

If God Had Voicemail

IF GOD HAD VOICEMAIL ..
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other saints
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."
Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer:
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666.) For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter J-O-H-N, followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
or...
Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow so that others may have a chance to get through.
(I'm sure glad God doesn't have voice mail!)

The New Alphabet

THE NEW ALPHABET
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low,
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J
is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y
is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

Picabo

PICABO
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say . . . Picabo, ICU.

102

102
I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day:
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

Afraid Of The Dark

AFRAID OF THE DARK
Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.
Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."
She agrees, they go to bed.
In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.
She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"
"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"

Cheap Motel

CHEAP MOTEL
On our last vacation, Mrs. and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel.
Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first, the amorous couple amused us.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were a little annoyed.
After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping us awake.
After half an hour we were incensed!
After an hour we were pretty damned impressed..

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-ride the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

To My Dear Wife / Husband

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the
baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid
there
8 times you re minded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING......
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times
you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you
farted and I was trying to breathe.

Bashing Of Sexes

BASHING OF SEXES
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.
Q: Did you hear about the
guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Cold Weather

COLD WEATHER
Degrees Activity:
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia.
25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick
tongue on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters.
Your car helps you plan your trip
South.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move South.
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Bird Seed

BIRD SEED
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. 'I'd like a box of birdseed,' said the lady.
'For which kind of bird?' he asked helpfully.
'Oh, I dunno,' she replied. 'Whichever will grow the fastest.'

How Happy Is Life Without A Girlfriend

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND
Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her.
3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9.
Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop\place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of action thrillers.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.
15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19.
No tension.
20. You can be "urself"
21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills......

The Whys Of Men

THE WHYS OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
- because they are plugged into a genius.
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
- they don't have enough time.
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
- they don't stop to ask directions.
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
- because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock. (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
- so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.
6.
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
- you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
- don't know.....it's never happened. (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
- because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Dolls

DOLLS
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending with the same question, "Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"

Mixed

MIXED
Q: Koun si devi ka kounsa prasad India mein famous hai ....
A: Rabridevi ka laloo prasad
Q: What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE .........
A: Ek bigartee hai to bandh ho jati hai......
Doosari bigartee hai to 'SHUROO' ho jati hai
* Ek sardar apne bete se bola : Bevakuf, kaisee machis leke aaya hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tilian test karke laya hu.
* Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....
* Sardar found answer
to most difficult question questioned ever What comes first - the chicken or the egg ?
O yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!!
* A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab today........
Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still..... digging for more.
* Sardar runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just won the 10 Million lotto.
Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ?
Sardar : Who cares ? Just pack and get lost !

Kicking

KICKING
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had
happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

Beer Consumption

BEER CONSUMPTION
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
* WARNING:
consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
"disappear."
* WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Pheasnat Plucker

PHEASANT PLUCKER
I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
'cause the pheasant plucker's running late.

The Guys' Rules

THE GUYS' RULES
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is
blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

Clinton And The Pope

CLINTON AND THE POPE
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven.
After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell.
The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"
The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to."
Bill asks, "What is that?"
The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."
Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

Little Paper Bag

LITTLE PAPER BAG
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor's.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having
unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier..."

Confessions

CONFESSIONS
A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.
Sooo.....Father O'Briend decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here.
Realize, please, that I can only
hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.
"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this
congregation."

New Proverbs For The New Millennium

NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the
browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up, must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.

Suggestions For Airlines

SUGGESTIONS FOR AIRLINES
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington DC. 20591
Dear Sirs,
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have record
sales.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Proposed Error Messages Windows 2007

PROPOSED ERROR MESSAGES WINDOWS 2007
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2007:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your
system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

Bilingual

BILINGUAL
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.
While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk."
So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"

The Ultimate List Of Pick Up (Throw Up) Lines

THE ULTIMATE LIST OF PICK UP (THROW UP) LINES
1. That shirt looks very becoming on you...of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
2. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me...Please?!
3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
4. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
5. Is you father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!
6. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
7. That dress looks nice...of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner.
8. Are you lost
ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.
10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that that pops up!
11. Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I nudge or call you?
12. (Check female's shirt tag)... Just as I thought, made in heaven.
13. Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess.
14. Pardon me Miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours.
15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time?
17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
18. My face is leaving in 10 minutes...are you gonna be on it or not?
19. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't you name Gretchen?
20. Do you have any Filipino in you? Would you like some?
21. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
22. I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
23. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?
24. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
25. If you and I were squirrels, could I but a nut in your hole?
26. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
27. That's a nice shirt...could I talk you out of it?
28. (Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if
I help?
29. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
30. Hey baby, you wanna see something swell?
31. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples...
32. Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers.
33. I love every bone in your body...especially mine.
34. (With hands on shoulders) OH, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
35. Pardon me, are you in heat?

Where

WHERE
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Skeleton In The Closet

SKELETON IN THE CLOSET
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They
called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

No More Beard

NO MORE BEARD
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Oh really, I can't," he replies, "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband
will be home soon!"

Missed Ferry

MISSED FERRY?
A guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

It Pays To Be Kind

IT PAYS TO BE KIND
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket.
If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"
"What? Get the hell out of
my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,
with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant

FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT...
* "I finished the Oreo's."
* "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
* "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
* "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
* "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
* "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
* "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
* "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
* "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
* "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
* "Get your *own* ice cream."
* "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
* "Got milk ?"
* "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
* "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
* "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
* "Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
* "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Adopted

ADOPTED
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

Another Flash

ANOTHER FLASH
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash.
He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a seat
belt.

Six Items Or Less

SIX ITEMS OR LESS
It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down to the local Winn-Dixie supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ for a few friends at half-time while we were watching a college Sweet Sixteen basketball game on the patio. The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the limited items Express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line.
A rather large woman, completely ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line justin front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when to my unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward. She looked into
the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

Shopping

SHOPPING
A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and daughter into the car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

Hair Cutting Request

HAIR CUTTING REQUEST
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

Soar & See

SOAR & SEE
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

Cool Ways To Insult Someone

COOL WAYS TO INSULT SOMEONE
01. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
02. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
03. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
04. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
05. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
06. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
07. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
08. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
09. Did your
parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar
territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32.
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42.
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?

The Gambler

THE GAMBLER
Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

You Be Jesus

YOU BE JESUS
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Allow The Boss To Speak First

ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also
gone.
The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"
Moral: "Always allow the boss to speak first"

Playing Second Fiddle

PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE Husband suspects wife is cheating, tactfully he asks: Honey, I think I'm playing second fiddle. Wife: With a flute like yours you are lucky to be in the band!

Kids

KIDS I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!" Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies." Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to
well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"

Sixth Grade Class

SIXTH GRADE CLASS Having just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class, the teacher decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked. Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand. After a few more
silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not." Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

Two Days In A Week

TWO DAYS IN A WEEK

"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone. The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or
behind a mask of clouds; but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is as yet unborn. This leaves only one day: Today. Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities -Yesterday and Tomorrow - that we break down. It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad, it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore, live this one full Today."

Poetry Contest

POETRY CONTEST The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -Timbuktu. The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-fishin' we went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

New Address

NEW ADDRESS After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made. Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of address form." "How do I get one of those?" I asked. "We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"

Kiss Dad Before School

KISS DAD BEFORE SCHOOL "Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!" "You're too late, Honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."

Errors In Recent Indian Films

ERRORS IN RECENT INDIAN FILMS
---> Rang De Basanti
1) In Rang De Basanti, Alice Patten, a Britisher, whom we learn is taking Hindi classes, throws a Hindi cussword, Tumhari maa ki aankh, at her boss. Nice to know they teach cusswords in Hindi classes in Britain!
2) Aamir Khan and his friends are students of Delhi University. But when they go to watch a movie they head for Mumbai's Adlabs theatre!
3) After assassinating the Defence Minister (Mohan Agashe), Aamir Khan and his friends flee from Delhi and are shown sitting in a ruined fort reading a Hindi newspaper. But at the end of the scene, the newspaper's turned into an English one!
---> Dosti
1) In the scene where Akshay Kumar tries to run away because of his illness, he is seen carrying a red bag but when he gets to the airport, the bag turns into a black trolley. Continuity, anyone?
2) When a newly-wedded Kareena Kapoor goes to meet Akshay Kumar and Juhi Chawla in a cafe, she isn't wearing any sindoor or a mangalsutra. Suneel Darshan, have forgotten Indian traditions?
3) In the song Yeh dosti tere dam se hai, Akshay is without a beard to begin with but half-way through the song, he sports one. A hair-raising experience indeed!
---> Kalyug
After the court grants Kunal Khemu bail, he goes to Zurich to unearth evidence that will prove him innocent. According to the Indian Penal Code, you can't leave the country
while you are out on bail. Does director Mohit Suri know a loop-hole that our legal luminaries are unaware of?
---> Mr Ya Miss
When the Almighty turns Aftab into Antara, she sports orange hair. But the very next day, her hair goes jet black. Did God have a change of heart?
---> Bluffmaster
In the film, the poster outside the Maratha Mandir theatre is of Deewaar but the film screened inside is Shaan!
---> Deewane Huye Paagal
1) Shahid Kapoor is supposed to be the brightest student in his college. He wants to go to Dubai and when Johny Lever asks him whether he has a passport, he replies he doesn't but that he does have a ration card. Does the Dubai consulate issue visas on the basis of ration cards?
2) Shahid Kapoor is terrified of a small
dog but is later shown fighting goons twice his size! Make up your mind, Vikram Bhatt!
3) In one scene, a bearded Paresh Rawal is seen following Suniel Shetty. But in the very next scene he's clean-shaven. Did the editor shave off the connecting scene?
4) Akshay Kumar fits a microphone in Rimii's bracelet so that he can spy on her the next day. But how was he so sure that she would wear the very same bracelet the next day?
---> Kyon Ki
Kareena Kapoor wants to pursue higher studies in London and is shown filling up a form for the same. However, when the camera zooms in on the form we can make out the words, University Of Melbourne. Does the esteemed Australian University have a branch in London as well?
---> Jawani Diwani
Emraan Hashmi and
Hrishitaa Bhatt opt for a court marriage and Mahesh Manjrekar, despite being an underworld don, attends the marriage. Wonder of wonders, neither the police nor the judiciary take any steps to arrest him. On second thoughts, though, is it a real-life situation?
---> Chocolate
After the truck robbery, Suniel Shetty stuffs 20 billion pounds in one rucksack. I'm sure netas and other hoarders of black money would be glad to know how he managed it!