How To Stay Young

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears
happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

Blonde Patient

BLONDE PATIENT
Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

The Wee Stump Inn

THE WEE STUMP INN
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an orienteering weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map reading skills and they'd become separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub. 'The Wee Stump Inn'.
They trudged through the woods for hours hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to try. Eventually they decide to take one path each. They shake hands and resolve that last man back to the pub will pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the bloke that chose the correct fork is sitting snug at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his mate staggers in. He's cut, bleeding, battered
and bruised as if he's been mugged by a rugby scrum.
Once they've got the 'victim' settled, he explains how he'd gone around in circles for ages until he heard the sound of an idling car engine. He made right for the sound and found a motor in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers' lane'. The car was all steamed up and he couldn't see who was inside but he could hear more than one voice.
Realizing he could ask for directions he approached the driver's door. The exec then told the assembled crowd that the guy in the car had obviously been an absolute psychopath, cause, as soon as he'd knocked at the car window and asked, "How far is the Wee Stump Inn?" he jumped out the car and beat seven shades of shit out of him!!!

Daddy Is Home

DADDY IS HOME
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

Favourite Kind Of Legs

FAVOURITE KIND OF LEGS
Jerry was walking near a womens fashions store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.
He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"
The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"
Jerry says, "They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"

Letters Dear Abby Admitted She Was At Loss To Answer

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER
---> Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
---> Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
---> Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
---> Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
---> Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
---> Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
---> Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
---> Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
---> Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.(I love this one!!)
---> Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think
she is going through mental pause.
---> Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Latin Love Story

LATIN LOVE STORY
Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
After telling Papa again, he said, "Maria, there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama.
Mama already knew and said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because
you are not related to Papa.

Heart Attack

HEART ATTACK
Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?"
Donna: "Nooo! What happened?"
Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. He went straight from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"

Dog Haircut

DOG HAIRCUT
A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"

Funeral

FUNERAL
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

American Citizenship Test

AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP TEST
Can you pass the test to become a US Citizen? Here is an excerpt from the test for citizenship---to test your citizenship worthiness.
Good luck! The answers are listed at the end .....
1. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
a) They represent the 13 original colonies
b) They represent each of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence
c) They represent the battles fought for United States independence
2. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
a) 23
b) 19
c) 27
3. What are the three
branches of American Government?
a) Legislative, executive, and judicial
b) Legislative, parliamentary, judicial
c) Executive, legislative, parliamentary
4. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
a) It ordered that Pilgrims be freed from British oppression
b) It ordered that slaves in rebel territory be freed
c) It allowed citizens of the United States to claim land
5. Who becomes president of the United States if the president and the vice president should die?
a) The secretary of state
b) The attorney general
c) The Speaker of the House of Representatives
6. Which countries were our principal allies during World War II?
a) United
Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Italy, France
b) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, China, France
c) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, China, France
7. What is the 49th state of the Union (United States)?
a) Alaska
b) Hawaii
c) New Mexico
8. How many Supreme Court justices are there in America?
a) 9
b) 12
c) 13
9. What is the national anthem of the United States?
a) "America the Beautiful"
b) "This Land is Your Land"
c) "The Star-Spangled Banner"
10. In what year was the American Constitution written?
a) 1776
b) 1771
c) 1787
11. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
a) Constitution
b) Mayflower
c) Titanic
Answer Key: 1) a, 2) c, 3) a, 4) b, 5) c, 6) c, 7) a, 8) a, 9) c, 10) c, 11) b

Screw Or Walk

SCREW OR WALK
Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers."

Who's A Nutter

WHO'S A NUTTER
It was open weekend in the local 'loony bin' and one curious man was wandering around watching the inmates 'in action'. When he sees this chap painting a wall, but when he looks closer, he notices that the brush is dry. So he sidles over, looks into the tin and sees more brushes but no paint.
He said to the inmate, "When do you intend to finish"?
The inmate said, "I probably never will. The idea to brighten this place up was my own, so they wont give me money for paint. So unless I can get some from my secret hoard, I'm sunk.
"How would you have a secret hoard of cash"? Said the man.
The inmate said. "Well I lived in the local village for years and
years and everyone kept telling me I was nuts, and that one day they would take me away and lock me up. Well, they wasn't going to get my money, so I regularly sneaked onto the village green in the middle of the night, stood underneath the rope swing on the big oak tree, walked 100 paces north, turned, walked 50 paces west then dug down 6 feet and stashed all my cash.
The man rushed home, got a shovel, went back to the village, paced out the instructions and started digging. After 4 hours he had nothing and was feeling knackered and wondered if he had heard the instructions right. He even dug wider on all sides of the hole. But zilch!!
The next day, hands covered in blisters he went back to see the inmate, who was still standing at the wall painting away.
The man said to the inmate, "Are you sure the cash is 100 meters north and fifty paces west?
The inmate said "Did you go looking for it?
The man looking embarrassed said, "Well yes!
The inmate said..........................Grab a brush!!!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb
with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Checkout

CHECKOUT
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's
the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

Shakespearean Play

SHAKESPEAREAN PLAY
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying,"Hark, a pistol shot!"
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They
stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..."My fair maiden!. . .I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit...I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.

Holding Hands

HOLDING HANDS
John says to his friend, "My Mary and I, we are always holding hands."
"Why do you do this?" asks his friend.
"Because if I let go, she shops."

Old Professor

OLD PROFESSOR
The old professor sat there waiting for his new doctor to make his way through the file that contained his very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at him and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

News Bulletin

NEWS BULLETIN
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a new bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Gators

GATORS
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all.".

Great Business Plan

GREAT BUSINESS PLAN
A guy is on a tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle
nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"True, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Photo

PHOTO
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Ugly Woman

UGLY WOMAN
An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.
"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

Twick Or Tweat

TWICK OR TWEAT
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

Letter From K-Mart

LETTER FROM K-MART
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO
15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse / partner is
shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what
happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the
auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut
the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Mental Health Online

MENTAL HEALTH ONLINE
"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline......"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are a manic-depressive it doesn't matter
which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators
are too busy to talk to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Police Humour

POLICE HUMOUR
So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.... The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
AND yes, the best one (although, I really like #8)...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...sign her

Redneck Artist

REDNECK ARTIST
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it.......... ...... however, he would have to
leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

Rancher

RANCHER
Steve saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year- old rancher, pull into town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.
Being one of Tom's oldest friends, Steve asked if the rumor was true, and Tom assured him that it was.
Steve then asked Tom how old the new bride-to-be was.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."
Now Steve, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman probably wouldn't be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, Steve tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.
Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, Steve ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" Steve asked Tom.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
Steve, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, smilin' Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

First Timers

FIRST TIMERS....
John & Marsha were having marital difficulties, neither being able to satisfy the other sexually. Their marriage slowly disintegrating, they sought the help of one doctor after another without success. One day Marsha visited her friend Dorothy, who was quite a woman of the world, and casually mentioned the problem.
"It's not the first time I've heard of it," said Dorothy. "You can go to all the doctors in the world and they can't help you. But there is a remedy."
"For God's sake, Dorothy, tell me what it is!" exclaimed Marsha.
"I don't think I should," answered Dorothy, "because it is unusual, and you might be offended."
To make a very
long story short, Marsha continued her entreaties until Dorothy finally broke down.
She said, "Well, since you insist, and against my better judgment, I will tell you. The only remedy is for John to eat it."
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Marsha, "He would never do that!"
Dorothy shrugged. "There you have it -- take it or leave it. You asked and I told you."
Driving home Marsha thought it over, and concluded the suggestion deserved a trial, anyway. So she prepared an unusually fine supper for John that night. When he returned from work he enjoyed it mightily, but wondered a bit about the reason for it.
"That was a great meal," he said. "Anything unusual happen today? Enjoy your visit with Dorothy?"
Marsha told John of Dorothy's suggestion.
"Absolutely not!" he
exploded.
"I won't engage in such disgusting practices."
But Marsha urged and begged until finally John gave in.
"OK," he said. "I guess it won't hurt to try it once."
Marsha went up and got into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck. This was a bit unusual, since it was August and the weather was sweltering, but Marsha was uneasy about the whole business and didn't want to feel immodest.
When John arrived he surveyed the scene and tried to decide how to proceed. Finally he raised the covers at the foot of the bed and crawled under them. Groping around until he located his target, with much hesitation, he undertook his task.
No sooner than he started, Marsha broke wind explosively.
Under the covers, a muffled voice was heard to say.... "Thank
God for that breath of fresh air."

Smart-Ass Answers

SMART-ASS ANSWERS
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?> " John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
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SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.
She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
----------------------------------
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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AND NOW, FOR THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won' t tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

Definitions According To Gender

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon)
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touch-down, home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it
whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 minutes.

Dear Husband

DEAR HUSBAND
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I cannot
wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.

Pretend Heart Attack

PRETEND HEART ATTACK
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him sweetly, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, serve it and wash the
dishes."

Viagra And Ex-Lax

VIAGRA AND EX-LAX
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.
The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.

Teaching

TEACHING
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around, He taught them saying:
BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT, FOR
THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
BLESSED ARE THE MEEK.
BLESSED ARE THEY THAT MOURN.
BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL.
BLESSED ARE THEY WHO THIRST FOR JUSTICE.
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN PERSECUTED.
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN YOU SUFFER.
BE GLAD AND REJOICE, FOR YOUR
REWARD IS GREAT IN HEAVEN.
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know
this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholohew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "Can I go to the boy's room?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus, "What are the objectives in the cognitive domain and your plans for remediation?"
JESUS WEPT.

Red Light

RED LIGHT
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

New Drink

NEW DRINK
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job
Revenge"

Evils Of Drug Use

EVILS OF DRUG USE
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge.
The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were back in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I
used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
..and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To the second guy the judge said, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I ! used a s imilar approach. I drew two circles .
o O
...and said (pointing to the small circle), "This is your asshole before prison....."

How Do These People Survive

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a halfdozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the
local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, Idunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make coffee.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Preacher

PREACHER
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured... teeth will be
provided!"

Gold Digger

GOLD DIGGER
A gold miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg.
He says to his mate "I'm fucked, who will want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replies, "Try Paul McCartney"

Golf

GOLF
On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten damn stinking bastard!"
"What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you only if it rained."

Good Samaritan

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Usher

USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "This minister is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the minister's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.

Pilot And Navigator

PILOT AND NAVIGATOR
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir,"the navigator replied, "I'll know
we're lost before you will."

Bad Language

BAD LANGUAGE
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"

Lost Trunks

LOST TRUNKS
One day a mouse was walking on the banks of a river that ran through the jungle. He saw a Hippopotamus in the water and shouted to the Hippopotamus, "Hey you, come out of the water onto this bank, NOW".
The Hippopotamus lumbered onto the bank as requested.
The mouse then said, "OK, you can get back in the water now".
The mouse continued walking along the bank until he came upon a lion having a little dip in the river. The mouse shouted across to the lion, "Hey you, up here, on this bank now!".
The lion was a little concerned about this 'jumped up' mouse giving him orders but he complied and climbed up onto the bank.
The
mouse then said, "OK, you can get back into the water now".
The lion shrugged and returned to the river.
The mouse continued his trip along the banks of the river until he came across an elephant having a good old soak. The mouse shouted to the elephant. "Hey you, Mr. Elephant, up here on this bank now!".
The elephant lumbered out the water and was then told by the mouse to return to the water.
The elephant however was a little bit annoyed about having his soak disturbed so he said to the mouse, "What is going on? I've just seen you call the Hippopotamus, the lion and now me out of the water, why are you doing this?".
The mouse replied, "when I find out who stole my swimming trunks, I'll hurt him!!".

Blind Wal-Mart Clerk

BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around
combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies,"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Virgins

VIRGINS
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.
One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

Abstain From Sex

ABSTAIN FROM SEX
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer
willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was miserable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Did You Know That

DID YOU KNOW THAT
----> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
----> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
----> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
----> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
----> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
----> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
----> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
----> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
----> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
---->
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
----> Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
----> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.)
----> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)
----> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
----> A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
----> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that)
----> Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)
---->
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
----> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
----> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
----> In other words, send it to everyone
!
(and God love that pig)

Tips For The Ladies In Year 2008

TIPS FOR THE LADIES IN YEAR 2008
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? -
Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good-looking, sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!
Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!

Confession

CONFESSION
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the
4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Bisexual

BISEXUAL
Kevin, the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!", to his friend James.
"Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.
Kevin responded... "Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?

Five Lessons

FIVE LESSONS
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat Others.
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 P.M., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety,
helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make
it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path .
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden
and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.. .
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named
Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
BE WHO YOU ARE & SAY WHAT YOU FEEL BECAUSE THOSE WHO MATTER DON"T MIND AND THOSE WHO MIND DON"T MATTER..

Dictionary Of Performance Evaluation Comments

DICTIONARY OF PERFORMANCE EVALUATION COMMENTS
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
---> A keen analyst
Thoroughly confused.
---> Accepts new job assignments willingly
Never finishes a job.
---> Active socially
Drinks heavily.
---> Alert to company developments
An office gossip.
---> Approaches difficult problems with logic
Finds someone else to do the job.
---> Average
Not too
bright.
---> Bridge builder
Likes to compromise.
---> Character above reproach
Still one step ahead of the law.
---> Charismatic
No interest in any opinion but his own.
---> Competent
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
---> Conscientious and careful
Scared.
---> Consults with co-workers often
Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
---> Consults with supervisor often
Pain in the ass.
---> Delegates responsibility effectively
Passes the buck well.
---> Demonstrates qualities of leadership
Has a loud
voice.
---> Displays excellent intuitive judgement
Knows when to disappear.
---> Displays great dexterity and agility
Dodges and evades superiors well.
---> Doesn't suffer fools gladly
Rude and abrasive.
---> Enjoys job
Needs more to do.
---> Excels in the effective application of skills
Makes a good cup of coffee.
---> Exceptionally well qualified
Has committed no major blunders to date.
---> Expresses self well
Can string two sentences together.
---> Happy
Paid too much.
---> Hard worker
Usually does it the hard
way.
---> Internationally know
Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
---> Is well informed
Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
---> Inspires the cooperation of others
Gets everyone else to do the work.
---> Is unusually loyal
Wanted by no-one else.
---> Judgement is usually sound
Lucky.
---> Keen sense of humor
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
---> Keep stress out of your life
Give it to others instead.
---> Keeps informed on business issues
Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
---> Listens
well
Has no ideas of his own.
---> Maintains a high degree of participation
Comes to work on time.
---> Maintains professional attitude
A snob.
---> Meticulous in attention to detail
A nitpicker.
---> Mover and shaker
Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
---> Not a desk perso
Did not go to college.
---> Of great value to the organization
Turns in work on time.
---> Use all available resources
Takes office supplies home for personal use.
---> Quick thinking
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
---> Requires
work-value attitudinal readjustment
Lazy and hard-headed.
---> Should go far
Please.
---> Slightly below average
Stupid.
---> Spends extra hours on the job
Miserable home life.
---> Stern disciplinarian
A real jerk.
---> Straightforward
Blunt and insensitive.
---> Strong adherence to principles
Stubborn.
---> Tactful in dealing with superiors
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
---> Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress
Buys drinks for superiors.
---> Takes pride in work
Conceited.
---> Unlimited potential
Will stick with us until retirement.
---> Uses resources well
Delegates everything.
---> Uses time effectively
Clock watcher.
---> Very creative
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
---> Visionary
Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
---> Well organized
Does too much busywork.
---> Will go far
Relative of management.
---> Willing to take calculated risks
Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
---> Zealous attitude
Opinionated.

Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.

Changing Plea

CHANGING PLEA
After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

Ticket Collector

TICKET COLLECTOR
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas,he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the
executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive.
The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your
packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.
The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.
The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He strokes his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

Some Facts

SOME FACTS
1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions!!!!!!!!!!
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each
stamp.
8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass
through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14. 4 calories per hour by breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk rightfoot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot...
20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.
21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
22. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch and make it look=20 like it's smiling.
23. The color blue can have a calming affect on people.
24. Depending upon the shade,
the brain may send up to 11 tranquilizing chemicals to calm the body
25. Leonardo da Vinci could write with the one hand and draw with the other simultaneously. Now we know why his pictures were exquisite!!
26. Names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
27. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and parrot.
28. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
29. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age
30. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
31. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
32.
All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses; some of them just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.
33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
34. Raw cashews are poisonous and must be roasted before.

16 Years Of Meat

16 YEARS OF MEAT
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her
face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Distraught Bride

DISTRAUGHT BRIDE
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand, "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when
I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

Senior's Moment

SENIOR'S MOMENT This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk..... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, " Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

Cardiologist Funeral

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... ..I'm a Gynecologist. " The Proctologist fainted

Out For A Night

OUT FOR A NIGHT Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the
bedroom. "Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

The Ant And The Grasshopper

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Remember the ant and the grasshopper?
OLD VERSION . .
The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds his house and stores supplies for the winter, The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.
Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
The moral to the story being:
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF!
NEW VERSION . . .
The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds his house and stores supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.
Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and fed,
while others are cold and starving!
CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of shivering grasshoppers, next to a video of an ant in his comfortable home, with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast! How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer this way?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah, with the grasshopper. Everyone cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome".
Jesse then has the group pray for the grasshopper's sake, and reminds the group to contribute to his group, so that he can "continue the fight" for grasshoppers, everywhere!
Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim, in an interview with Tom Brokaw, that the ant has gotten rich, off the back of the poor grasshopper!
Both call for an immediate tax hike, to make the ant pay "his fair share"!
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity For Grasshoppers Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire the proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his house is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper, in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried in federal court, with a jury comprised of unemployed welfare recipients.
Surprise! The ant loses the case!
The
story ends, as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food, while the government house he lives in (which happens to be the ant's old house) crumbles around him, due to lack of maintenance!
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found, dead, in a drug-related incident. The house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders, who terrorize this once-peaceful neighborhood.

Empty Handed

EMPTY HANDED
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store.
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.
The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
"Pull yourself together!", she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children. You're forty-five-years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With
that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

Explorers

EXPLORERS Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa and were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death. One explorer asks the chief if they are to die. Could they chose the way they wanted to go. After much consideration, the chief agreed. The first explorer loved to eat and wanted to eat himself to death. The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape. The second explorer loved to drink and wanted to drink himself to death. Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape. The third explorer loved to screw women. This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women. They finally got it all together and placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape. Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out. He went to the first hut, and
found the man had ate so much, he exploded. He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them. In the second hut, the explorer drank so much he puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them. You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut... 10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

Drunk Husband

DRUNK HUSBAND A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right

Gotcha

GOTCHA Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'" The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!" "Ouch!" said the guy "I can see why you lost that hole but how come you lost the game?" "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second *gotcha*?"

Ahhh The Irish

AHHH THE IRISH! Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me
up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Aisle 4

AISLE 4 A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells... "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Murphy's Military Laws

MURPHY'S MILITARY LAWS. . . . . . * The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. * The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. * The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. * If your advance is going
well, you are walking into an ambush. * The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. * The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. * Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'. * All battles are fought uphill and in the rain. * Tracers works both ways. * If the enemy is in range, so are you. * War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. * It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps. * Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

Shitty Ducks

SHITTY DUCKS A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck.
She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whinned. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck. She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "No, not anymore," she answered. "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Tech Support

TECH SUPPORT
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Bannister Of Life

BANNISTER OF LIFE
As you Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drinkspilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Largest Transports

LARGEST TRANSPORTS
One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station.
The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour.
"That thing's like a big building sitting there,'' said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!
The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around, so the pilot simply
had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a 6-story building.
Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Del.
When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around. The plane was not damaged.
The female co-pilot was overheard saying to the male pilot as they exited the plane...
"I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions."

Refined

REFINED
An English gentleman travelled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend.
Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes.
Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store.
"Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"
The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street.
The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"
The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."
From the back
room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?"
The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."
The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"

Computer Culture

COMPUTER CULTURE
A man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers.
His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down a little."

God The Artist

GOD THE ARTIST
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Shepherd

SHEPHERD
Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."

First Fight

FIRST FIGHT
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

Excess Weight

EXCESS WEIGHT
"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Socialism Vs Capitalism

SOCIALISM VS CAPITALISM Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs -- what her dad dismissed as "redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an
evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured. To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism." That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think
of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy
idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" Then Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."