Ping Pong Anyone

PING PONG ANYONE? A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no shit Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

2 Blondes

2 BLONDES One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!" The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?" They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Condoms

CONDOMS President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Blair. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied tony Blair and, with that, he hung up and called the
President of Durex. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Durex. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.

Warning To The Ladies

WARNING TO THE LADIES The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

Pet Rooster

PET ROOSTER Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's
great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Sandwiches In Bed

SANDWICHES IN BED A guy and a girl want to make out. So they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer." With this, the two get onto the top bunk and gettin it on. First the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"
Then she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then she switches back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Finally, the girl's sister yells, "If you're going to make sandwiches up there, you'd better not spill any mayonnaise on me or I'm telling mom!"

3 Old Ladies

3 OLD LADIES Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Confessions

CONFESSIONS
The three sleazy roommates decided it was time they went to confession.
When the priest asked them for their sins, the first roommate said she had let a man fondle her breasts.
The priest told her to wash them with holy water.
The second roommate confessed that she had touched a man's cock.
The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.
The two girls were washing with holy water when the third roommate joined them. "Move over sluts," she said, "I have to gargle."

Hesitant Driver

HESITANT DRIVER A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says, 'Yield'----not 'surrender!' "

Things I'd Like To Hear, Just One

THINGS I'D LIKE TO HEAR, JUST ONCE From my auto mechanic:
- That part is much less expensive than I thought.
- I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.
- You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.
- It was just a loose wire. No charge. From my son's preschool teacher:
- Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.
- Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks.
- I wish we had 20 Michaels. From a store clerk:
- The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.
- I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.
- We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer. From my doctor:
- Of course I'll come by your house to check on you.
- Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better.
- Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in.
- I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.
- Here, take these samples.
- Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that.
- I
recommend you get a second opinion. From a contractor:
- Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.
- I think I came in a little high on that estimate. From my dentist:
- I think you're flossing too much.
- I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth. From a restaurant server:
- I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim.
- I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any
tip.

Leaders

LEADERS A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural). The Chinese wrote, "My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall." The Singaporean wrote, "My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights." The Indian wrote, "My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing."

Fixed

FIXED A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision --why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was
Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

In Shock

IN SHOCK I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice. Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well. I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd ever see you."

Measurements

MEASUREMENTS Jim: So your blind date had measurements of 39-23-35? Jeff: That's right. It's just too bad they weren't in that order.

Top Ten Reasons Wgy Golf Is Better Than Sex

TOP TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX.....
#10.. A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the number one reason why golf is better than sex....
#1... If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Two By Fours

TWO-BY-FOURS Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk
said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

Murphy's Laws On Sex

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in
the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

What Men Really Think Of Marriage

WHAT MEN REALLY THINK OF MARRIAGE ----> I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. ....David Bissonette ----> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ....Sacha Guitry ----> After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each
other, but still they stay together. ....Hemant Joshi ----> By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ....Socrates ----> Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving any of them. ....Dumas ----> The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want? ...Sigmund Freud ----> "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." ....Henry Youngman ----> "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."....Sam Kinison
----> "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." ....James Holt McGavran ----> "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." ....Patrick Murray ----> Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming;
1) Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2) Whenever you're right, shut up. ....Ogden Nash ----> The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... ....Anonymous ----> You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. ....Henny Youngman ----> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ....Rodney Dangerfield ----> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ....Milton Berle ----> Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. ....Anonymous

Senior's Special

SENIORS' SPECIAL An old couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously.
"YES!!"
”I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," the wife
replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS.. THEY'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME!!

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY Dear Abby, I've suspected for some time now that my Wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Over Weight Woman

OVER WEIGHT WOMAN A grossly overweight woman gets on a train and seats herself next to a man during rush hour. The train was packed and the woman turns to the man and says, "If YOU were a gentleman, you'd stand and let one of these other ladies sit down!" The man looks at her and replies, "And if YOU were a lady, you'd stand and let FIVE or SIX of them sit down!!"

Hard Of Hearing

HARD OF HEARING The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV. The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas." The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!" "I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied. "Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"

Court

COURT A British anthropologist was doing field research in an isolated African village, when a tribal chief asked if he would like to be his guest at a legal trial he was conducting later that day.
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in
proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

Accident Report

ACCIDENT REPORT A woman was filling out an accident report. She had dented a parked car while trying to park her own. One question on the report was, "What could the operator of the other vehicle have done to avoid the accident?" She wrote, "He could have parked it somewhere else."

Homeless Woman

HOMELESS WOMAN A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well, " said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Ladies Man

LADIES MAN Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him. "Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song." Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

Best 'Out Of Office' Auto Replies

BEST 'OUT OF OFFICE' AUTO REPLIES 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be
patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over). 6. Thank you for
your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 7. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE: 8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of Steve'.

Almost Famous Sayings

ALMOST FAMOUS SAYINGS

* Black holes are where God divided by zero. * All those who believe in psychogenesis raise my hand. * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. * OK, so what's
the speed of dark? * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? * Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. * I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. * Join the Army, meet interesting people and kill them. * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? * When I'm not in my right mind,
my left mind gets pretty crowded.

30 Ways A Woman Can Hurt A Man

30 WAYS A WOMAN CAN HURT A MAN 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that
before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

Tax

TAX Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed. Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule. Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat. Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his
work,
Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think. Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears. Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no
dough. When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore. Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid. Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..." When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance
tax. Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State
Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What
happened? And I still have to "press 1" for English

Too Much Sugar

TOO MUCH SUGAR A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Asking The Time

ASKING THE TIME When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "it's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.

Kiss

KISS

Boy : Agar main tumhe kiss karke bhag jaun to ? Girl : To kya main aisa samajti kay jo larka pura paper complete kar sakta tha, lekin woh objective likh ke chala gaya.

Kitnay

KITNAY Nurse to Boy: Tum kitna kamaa lete ho. Boy: 1500 aur upar se 2000, aur tum? Nurse: 1000 aur niche se 5000.

He Said, She Said

HE SAID, SHE SAID * He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . You wear pants don't you? * He said . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I s it on the sofa and fart! * He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! * He said . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time * He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened. * He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . They already have boyfriends. * She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said . A widow.
* He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Roses Are Red

ROSES ARE RED Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. You are beautiful, I luv you. After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. You are my headache, one day I'll kill you.

Two Old Men

TWO OLD MEN
Two very elderly friends, Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Ralph didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Ralph hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore was at the park, and Max could not remember where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and max figured old ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. but one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph.
Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him
so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Ralph, what happened to you???"
Ralph replied, "I have been in jail."
Jail???," cried Max! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Ralph said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?"
"Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. what about her?"
"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pleaded 'Guilty'".
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

No 2 Piece

NO 2 PIECE
A girl went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Coach says : Mam, here a 2 piece costume is not allowed.
Girl says : Kaun sa Utaroon? !!

Sardars Sharing Girl

SARDARS SHARING GIRL
What do 2 sardars says to each other if they share the same girl?
Assi tussi same pussy kabhi tu ghussy kabhi mein ghussy

T Shirt

T SHIRT
Aik baar ek sardarji falls in love with aik larki in his college.
So to impress her, he wears the same thing as she wore the other day.
Once the girl wears a T shirt saying "Handle with care" on the bottom, with up arrow.
Sardarji, after lots of thinking wears a T shirt, saying "Candle with hair" with arrow pointing down.

Lost Panties

LOST PANTIES
A lady lost 3 panties in her house.
She asked her husband but he didn't know.
Husband asked maid.
Maid replied: Saab, aapko to maloom hai mai kuchh nahi pahanti.

Judge & Defendant

JUDGE & DEFENDANT
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course. You might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

Ten Reasons Why Obama Has Not Contacted Man Mohan Singh

TEN REASONS WHY OBAMA HAS NOT CONTACTED MAN MOHAN SINGH
The American president-elect Barack Obama is said to have called 15 world leaders so far, including presidents or prime ministers or kings of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico, South Korea, Egypt, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Spain, Poland and Pakistan.
Surprisingly, president-elect Obama has not called India's leaders yet.
The truth is Obama has tried calling Mr. Singh. And a few times, he did connect as well. For various reasons though, the call did not seem to progress into a productive telephonic conversation.
Here are ten reasons why that happened:
1. The first time Obama called the Indian Prime
Minister's office, Mr. Singh's chief secretary
picked up the phone and said, "who is speaking.."
Hearing that, Obama kept the phone down and told his secretary that by mistake, they had connected to the Chinese president's office.
2. Obama tried again a little later.
Once again, Singh's secretary picked up the phone.
Obama thought that he should let the guy know who he was speaking with.
So before the Indian secretary had a chance to say anything, Obama said, "This is Barack Obama speaking..".
"Yeah right", said the chief secretary, "and I am Mahatma Gandhi here".
3. A bit upset, Obama told his secretary to look up the Indian leader's number again. So they gave him another number to try.
"This is Barack Obama speaking", he said.
"Oh,
Mr. Obama, congratulations, what a great victory", said the voice on the other line.
"Yeah, it was a blast", said Obama.
"A blast? Wait we will find out who is behind it..", said the voice, "and now I have to go and change my suit".
"Can't you get me Mr. Singh's correct number?
That was the Indian home minister, you moron", the usually unruffled Obama blasted his secretary.
4. So Obama's secretary gave him another number to try.
He called and decided to make sure that he was speaking to the right person.
"Is this Mr. Singh?", he asked.
"Yes, it is", said the voice.
"This is Barack Obama", he said.
"Oh hello Mr. Obama, how is the election shaping up so far?"
"Well, I won mine you know..and we
will soon have about 60 seats in the senate", said Obama with palpable joy in his voice.
"Well, you know I can give you another 40 to make it an absolute majority", said the voice.
"Darn it!", said Obama, putting the phone down, "you gave me Amar Singh's number".
5. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, but he's relaxing", said the voice.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down, "you gave me Milkha Singh's number."
6. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, this is he", said the voice.
"Ah, finally", thought Obama. "Mr. Singh, what do you think of my
victory"?
"Well, what can I say? A great victory for minorities and scheduled castes and the affirmative action..actually, your country should reserve 50% of senate and congress seats for black people."
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down, "this is that old fool Arjun Singh."
7. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
"This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?", he asked.
"Yes, this is he", said Mr. Singh.
"Mr. Singh, I hope your country, too, will see the light at the end of the tunnel as the Americans have now seen.."
"Ya Obamaji, there is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an oncoming train which will run them over.."
"What do you mean", asked Obama.
"What I meant was experience is like a
comb that life gives you when you are bald..", replied Mr. Singh.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down, "this is that Navjot Singh."
8. "You may not have the right city code. Try another one..", Obama told his secretary. So she found him another number to try.
"This is Barack Obama speaking", he said.
"Wow, this is fantastic", said the voice.
"So, what do you think of my victory", asked Obama, beaming with pride.
"What can I say? it's outstanding, mindblowing, fantastic. history", said the voice.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down, "I did not ask for Himesh Reshammiya's number"
9. Once again, the secretary handed Obama another number.
"This is Barack Obama", he said.
"Congrats Mr Obama", said the
voice.
"You know I have decided to give some key positions in my cabinet to Indians", said Obama.
"Indians? Why don't you give them to Maharashtrians? ", retorted the voice on the other end.
"Darn it!", said Obama putting the phone down,
"I know how to deal with Chicago mafia, but I'm sure I can't handle Mumbai's godfathers".
10. "Are these all the Indian numbers you have? One last time, try another one", said Obama.
"This is Obama from America", said Obama.
This time Laloo Yadav answered:
"Haan Obamabhai, Laloo speaking, Hum make America another Bihar".
A frightened Obama puts down receiver, never to ring again!

Phuli Hui

PHULI HUI
Phuli hui roti kabhi kachhi nahin hoti
Barri chuchi wali larki kabhi bacchii nahin hoti

Peechay Se

PEECHAY SE
What is the similarity between a bus conductor and a gay?
Both shout: Peechey se Aaa

Lawyer

LAWYER
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen - I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Chest

CHEST
Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.

The Wisdom Of An Older Wife

THE WISDOM OF AN OLDER WIFE
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch, black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

Elephant

ELEPHANT
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.
The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "how the heck do ya manage to feed yourself with that?"

Jerusalem Tailor

JERUSALEM TAILOR
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "
Jesus readily agreed
and as promised, and extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein' s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein' s robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up
with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein' s shop.
Can you guess what it read ?
Don't say you weren't warned......
Lord & Taylor

Husband & Wife

HUSBAND & WIFE
Husband: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

Irish Lass

IRISH LASS
As soon as she had finished parochial school in Memphis, a bright young, lass named Becky shook the dust of the convent scholl off her shoes and made her way to Las Vegas where before long, she became a head-liner dancer in a casino show.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. Stepped out of the confessional within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Becky's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Pedestrians

PEDESTRIANS
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Leave Wife At Home

LEAVE WIFE AT HOME
"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night." one man said to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

To Heaven

TO HEAVEN
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want
to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Funny

FUNNY
This Funny has been around but it has been a while enjoy
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining them.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from
the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.
There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing.
At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be.
After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive
diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.
One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock
because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the
exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the frontrim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a
rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end.
To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a
newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment.
The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.
Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber
you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?
One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet,
though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the
back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think
he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately.
Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to
what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being.
She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed
with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.
He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the
entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Hope it never happens to you!

Graph

GRAPH
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."

Polish

POLISH
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if asked for halaal meat would you ask me if I was a Muslim?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well,
no!"
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Doctor's Notes

DOCTOR'S NOTES
A policeman in Dublin last night pulled over a driver who'd been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."
The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."
The officer said, "OK then; I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produced another letter. This one read: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the police officer said, "Right, I need a urine sample then."
The man produced a third letter from his pocket. It read, "This man plays rugby for England. Please don't take the piss out of him."

Reasons

REASONS
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet
to spin dangerously fast.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Wal Mart Wine

WAL MART WINE
WAL-MART announced that, on January 1, 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item, WAL-MART's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of WAL-MART brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine, "said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville;
She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WAL MART wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of
popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of WAL-MART wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Three Friends

THREE FRIENDS
Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife
played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

That's My Chicken

THAT'S MY CHICKEN
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken
you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

New Words For 2009

NEW WORDS FOR 2009
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire
day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with thekids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The
fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE
KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just m ade a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* SALAD DODGER.
A phrase for an overweight person.
*
MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the t oiletafter your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got
here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Open Letters to Dr Laura

OPEN LETTERS TO DR LAURA
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently she said that, for an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you
clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 or 21:18,20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
ANOTHER OPEN LETTER TO DR. LAURA
Dear Dr. Laura (An Open Letter),
In as much as countless others are contacting you daily regarding God's law and family matters, I felt that I should do so as well.
My teenage son became rebellious, disobedient, and drank and ate too much. I knew that the Old Testament(OT) required me to gather my neighbors together and take my unruly son to the edge of the city and stone him to death(Deut. 21:21). Should I have obeyed the OT?
My neighbor suspects his young vivacious wife with
infidelity. He is consumed with jealously just thinking about this. His wife denies his accusations. The OT(Numbers 5:11-31) provides a way to reconcile this dilemma for the couple. What it allows, is, for the husband to take his wife to the priests, or rabbis, and have her fed poison. If she is innocent she will not be harmed. If she is guilty she will get what she deserves; her insides will bloat and her thighs will rot away and she won't be able to have any more children (they already have five). My question to you is: "Do you believe this a failsafe way for my neighbor to handle this problem?"
I recently heard of someone who has come down with leprosy, of all things. According to the OT(Leviticus 14:1-8), the first step in cleansing leprosy is to have the priests or rabbis to kill a dove and spill its blood into an earthen bowl. Then
the priest or rabbi is to take a live dove and, dip it in the bowl of the blood of the first dove. Then the live bird is to be loosed in the fields. If this doesn't work one can take a larger more expensive animal, such as sheep, and do a similar exercise (the priest gets to eat the meat). Would you advise that this person, diagnosed with leprosy, seek this kind of help from one of your Rabbi friends--perhaps the one with whom you co-authored your book?
My spouse, --"the wife of my bosom"-- for some 57 years, has, in recent years, sought comfort and solace in some aspects of the "New Age" religions. She has talked repeatedly and glowingly, to me, other members of our family, and people generally, about the joy and contentment she finds in some aspects of this. Sometimes I fear she may be becoming a later-day pagan. She has definitely
turned away after other gods. I am told(Deut.13:6-11), in no uncertain terms, that I must personally kill her, lest she contaminates me and others with these gentler, un-God like, non-biblical beliefs. I really don't want to stone her to death. Our children and our grandchildren love their mother and grandmother very much, and are opposed to my killing her, refuseing to help me as they are required to do. After all she is her children's mom. Is there any way out of this for me?
I have two brothers who pre-deceased their wives. One of these women was childless. I understand that it was my duty as the husband's brother(Deut. 25:5-10), to go in unto this childless sister-in-law, and bed her, and take her as my wife and bring up an heir for my poor dead brother. Dr. Laura, did it matter that I was already married? Did it matter that my wife
took a dim view of my actually doing this? Was letting my sister-in-law publicly spit in my face the only alternative I had to doing this? That was pretty damn humiliating, I can tell you! Even so, that is much better than what happened to poor pitiful Onan(Gen. 38:9-10)! Now that was a sad business. Not only God killing Onan was sad, but also extrapolating from this that male masturbation is a capital offense, is a real downer for a lot of men and boys--this includes a good many deeply religious folks.
Dr. Laura, I know that you have not long been a convert to the God of the OT. But you do speak as one of the anointed ones, with the most certainty I have ever heard. Certainty is not uncommon in new converts but yours is exceptional. You say that you are knowledgeable in all the world religions. You can see why I have turned to you. My
personal problems are rather pressing. Even though I have several biblical reasons for stoning my wife to death (she may have also been guilty of using perfume and body oil intended for priests and rabbis, Exodus 30:22-38)--I wouldn't put it past her--I just can't bring myself to throw the first stone. Like me, my wife is 75 years old, and if I put off killing her indefinitely she may die of old age, or I may die, and then I would not be able to kill her. What am I to do?
Oh by the way, do these commands of God apply only to Orthodox Jews? Are Reformed Jews, Christians, Muslims, Mormons, or others, who worship the OT God, bound by these laws as well? If you are an Orthodox Jew and your wife becomes a Christian, are you required to kill her, or is that OK? Is it all right for wives who believe in the OT God to kill their husbands if they
turn to other gods, like football, say? These are just a few of the questions I have when I hear you singing the praise of your new found fundamentalist faith.
Blessings and Shalom!

Wedding Ring

WEDDING RING
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
One must ponder which is worse:
1. Having your mistress find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Punjabi Bra Ad

PUNJABI BRA AD
A Punjabi Bra Ad........................
har kurri di pehli pasand............. "BANTO BRA"
hun 6 sizan vich
Small
Medium
Large
Oye Hue .. !!
HAI O Rabba .. !!
Oh ...... Teri Maa di ....... !!!!!!

Teacher's Name

TEACHER'S NAME The schools second grade had a substitute teacher arrive to help out one day. Wanting to make a good impression with the children she caught all there attention and with a very cheerful smile she said, 'Good morning children lets all start off this morning by getting to know one another,ok?' So she walked over to the chalk board an introduced herself by telling them "Now my name is Miss Prussy,that's like pussycat only with an 'R'". The next morning she began
her class buy asking if anyone could remember her name. "I do, I do, yelled out little one from the back of the class. You are miss crunt, that's like what daddy calls mommy but you use a 'R'.

Hang On

HANG ON Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean. After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their smallboat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off. Billy yelled at Little Johnny, "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms
off! Little Johnny yelled back, "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island." So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming. He looked at Billy and said, "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!" And Billy said, "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on."

SMS Message

SMS MESSAGE
Lot of my friends especially Girls in USA have been receiving following SMS.
Tonight All Women Have Decided To Shave Their Coochies In Support Of Obama - Meaning No More Bush.

Nine Words Women Use

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FUCK YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Pakistan Parliament Alters Name Of Week Days

PAKISTAN PARLIAMENT ALTERS NAME OF WEEK DAYS A bill will shortly be tabled in Pakistan's Parliament to allow days of the week to better reflect the prevailing times in the country, by altering them to:
Mournday
Tearsday
Wasteday
Thirstday
Fightday
Shatterday or Sherryday
Stunday

Patiala

PATIALA
What's the difference between Patiala Peg and Patiala Shalwar?
Aik charti jaldi hai aur aik utarti jaldi hai.

Love Me

LOVE ME
During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly: Do you love me, do you really love me?
Irritated Santa: What the hell do you think, I am doing pushups?

World's Financial Situation

WORLD'S FINANCIAL SITUATION The world's financial situation at the moment is so bad that women are now marrying for love!

My Ass

MY ASS Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker. He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey. Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.
It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions. The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?" "Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass." The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else. He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street. He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost." The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!" At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he
spotted a seafood restaurant. He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town. The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?" The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter." The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."

No Sex Tonight

NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond ear rings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her
for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?'
I then said 'honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Financial Crisis

FINANCIAL CRISIS IF THE GLOBAL CRISIS CONTINUES, BY THE END OF THIS YEAR THERE WILL BE ONLY 2 BANKS THAT WILL SURVIVE -- THE BLOOD BANK AND THE SPERM BANK. BOTH THESE WILL THEN MERGE AND BE CALLED.... "THE BLOODY FUCKING BANK"

Sex Change Or...

SEX CHANGE OR...... There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

Zardari Ke Pakistan Ka Niya Qaumi Tarana

ZARDARI KE PAKISTAN KA NIYA QAUMI TARANA Zardari ki zamin shad bad
Bijli aay 8 ghantay baad ... Tu nishanay corruption aalishan
Arz e zardaristan, shaad baad sindh abaad .... Zardari ki zamin ka nizam
Aaatay, gas, bijli ka bohran... Quam, mulk, sub-gharak
Nawaz, wakil paainda bad...
Benazir dunya say farar... Parchamay sitara-o-Hilal ...
Khoon main ranga sara saal... Bhool apna maazi Shan-e-haal, jaan ne istaqlal..
Saya-e-America sar pe sawar!!!

Condoms

CONDOMS
Sardar: "Uff ye roz 2 COND0M lagane ka chakar! Mai to pareshan ho gya hoon"
Sardarni: "Tusi LAMINATION kyu nahin karwa lete?

Santa's Son See Him Having Sex

SANTA'S SON SEE HIM HAVING SEX
Son: Apa kya kar rahe ho..?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon puttar..
Son Apaji, average check karao.....abhi abhi Banta uncle daal kay gaye the...

In An Elevator

IN AN ELEVATOR
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"

Khare Khare

KHARE KHARE
One day a man goes to bank for withdrawing cash.
Lady cashier(who accidentally was a gujju) asked: so so ke loge(will you take 100 rupee notes?)?
Man replied: Khare khare bhi chalega.

Pari

PARI
Girl to her mother: Mama , main kaise paida hui thi?
Mother Baita tumhein pari le kar ayi thi.
Girl: Acha to papa pari ko bhi choda kartay thay?

Sasti Bra

SASTI BRA
Girl - Aik sasti bra dena
Salesman - Ji 60 ki
Girl - Aur sasti
Ji 30 ki
Aur sasti
Ji 20 ki
Aur sasti
Chotu! in ko 2 botal ke dhakkan aur sutli de.

In A Bus

IN A BUS
Man was smoking in a bus.
Conductor: No Smoking ka board nahin dikhta?
Man: Uske side mein 'Always Wear Condom' ka board hai, ab vo bhi laga ke baithoon?

Behen Chahiye

BEHEN CHAHIYE
Builder's son : Papa, mujhe behen chahiye.
Papa: Beta, usme to nau mahine lagenge.
Son : Itni der nahi chalegi, char aadmi aur kaam par laga do.

Tablets

TABLETS
A hawker was selling sex teblets & announcing:
1 goli khaega to lamba hoga,
2 khaega to to khamba hoga,
3 kha ke lega to rand bolegi abe bharrwe, chodta hai ke khodta hai.

Marriage

MARRIAGE
After marriage, how couples behave !!!
----> Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
----> Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
----> Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself
something.
----> Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Sweety, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
----> Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
----> Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
----> New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost
me?
----> Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Hawaii or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Hawaii on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

Tabla And Flute

TABLA AND FLUTE
Man was lying nude on the beach, A sexy babe starts playing tabla on his butts.
Man: What are you doing?
Girl: Playing tabla.
Man turns otherside & said: Can you play the flute?

Larkiyan

LARKIYAN
Yeh larkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hain.
Kuchh kaho to mu phula leti hain,
kuchh karo to pet phula leti hain.

Mombatti

MOMBATTI
Girls Hostel ki light chali gayi.
Aik larki ne electric office me phone karke kaha: Light chali gayi hai, aadmi bhejo.
Replied "Aadmi nahi hai, mombatti se kaam chala lo."

Minister

MINISTER
A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Khara Nahin Hota

KHARA NAHIN HOTA
Man : Doc, mera khara nahi hota hai.
Doc : Do you have girlfriend?
"No"
Do you visit pros?
"No"
Do youu go 4 mujra?
"No"
To khara karke uspar kya coat taange ga?

Darwaza

DARWAZA
Son : Dad, gazab ho gaya, bhai darwaza nahi khol raha.
Dad : Kal uski suhagraat thi.
Son : Kal raat ko bhai ne cold cream mangi thi mainefevicol de diya bhul se.

Hungry Snakes

HUNGRY SNAKE
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

The Wife And The Window

THE WIFE AND THE WINDOW
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside.
That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.
Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said: "I got up early this morning
and cleaned our windows!"
And so it is with life: "What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge. "

Soldier

SOLDIER
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "At this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

Romantic Poems

ROMANTIC POEMS
The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as unromantic ... as the first line was romantic.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other,
That is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your
head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Lower Mouth

LOWER MOUTH!!
A very naive sailor is in a bar in Goa. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties and motions for him to get closer.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... it's got lips..."
He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always."

First Wet Dream

FIRST WET DREAM
Johnny's mother entered little Johnny's room and woke him. "Come on Johnny time to wake and get ready for school"
Johnny groggily pleaded, "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"
She replied, " Ok, 5 more minutes then you get up and shower and come down stairs for breakfast."
After little Johnny had his shower. His mother heard him crying as he came down stairs. "Johnny, What's wrong."
"I had my first wet dream"
His mother was a little unsettled with his response. And replied. "Well that isn't anything to be upset about. It's perfectly natural and normal. It means you're growing up"
"No mom it isn't that. You
don't understand!"
"Well what is it then?"
"When my friends ask me. What I said after my first ejaculation. I'm going to have to say". "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"

Cowboys

COWBOYS
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three.
The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".
When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.
She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch, bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".
Upon the barmaid getting there, he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped
out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed, "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

Minister Dies

MINISTER DIES
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one
should always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family.

Coincidence

COINCIDENCE!
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini
The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn`t it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink".
She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying, I am finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?"
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence! !!!"

Romantic Desi One Liners

ROMANTIC DESI ONE LINERS
Mere... Company kee larkiyaan sunder hain Aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...
Shayad mere pyar ko taste Karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya ke PASTE karna bhool gaye..
Tumhare samne hain itney items Kabhi hamay bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe Kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...
Roz subha hum karte hain Itne pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain Jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...
Ho gayi ghalti humse, Click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhorro, ban jaao meri spouse!
Tumse mila main kal to, Mere dil mein hua aik sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho: Your file not found!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated
gif
Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't like your face
Par dil ke computer mein, Nahin hai enough disk space
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, Pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, Ho jaata hai server down
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, Create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, Wait main karoonga
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, Main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, Time out ho gaya
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, Jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, Aao karein chat
Tum jabse meri zindagi, mein aayi ho banke female,
Yaad raha na ab kuch, Na postman , Na e-Mail
Joh sadiyoon se hota aaya hai Woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+Delete kar doonga...
Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki message Aanna Band Hai.......
Aap hi humse naraz hain ya Web Server band hai.......
Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
Pahle
bekaar tha ab S/W Programmer ban gaya hoon
VC aaye to VB mein daal do,
Seedhe seedhe sabko museebat mein daal do
Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
Are Tankha milti hai aur timepass ho jata hai..
Teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
Kabhi offline to kabhi online piya
Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hain
Laila ghar mein aur majnoo project testing kar rahe hote hain