Top 13 Possible Secret Spy Programs

TOP 13 POSSIBLE SECRET SPY PROGRAMS!
13. Installing two-way video screens in every citizen's home so that the Powers That Be can take daily, mandatory, nation-wide attendance, followed by a group recital of the Pledge of Allegiance and the Lord's Prayer.
12. A program to make every Bond villain plot a reality, including Dr. No's anti-ballistic missile program, development of the Lektor universal decoding machine prophesied in From Russia With Love, Auric Goldfinger's scheme to irradiate the world's gold reserves (thus giving the greenback a much-needed boost), and the construction of an orbital space station to house the master race which will re-populate the planet after it is cleansed of its superfluous humanity. Also weighing heavily on taxpayer wallets would
be the fleet of submarine-eating submarines, spaceship-eating spaceships, and Moonrakers.
11. Funding research into the deployment of environmental micro-pathogens that attack only Muslims and liberals.
10. Three words: "Exploding Suicide Camels."
9. Constructing a vast array of internet porn sites featuring the biggest names in adult video catering to the filthiest fetishes imaginable with the highest quality original content -- all of which will be scientifically engineered to trigger the release of opium-like erototixins deep in the psycho-sexual pseudo-cortex of the primitive reptilian brain. Unable to control themselves, consumers will be drawn ever deeper into the site's highly illegal sublevels, while a special NSA taskforce records every click for future use as blackmail material. "Gee Senator, you're not voting for my Final Solution bill? That's a shame. Whatever will your constituents
think when they learn about your propensity for masturbating
to live video feeds of burly gay lumberjacks fingering pig fetuses in utero?"
8. Equipping, training and brainwashing a six million man army of bionic men, at a cost of six million dollars, each. Do the math, people!
7. The development of space-based "psychotronic" technologies directed at individual persons
or targeted populations for the purpose of mood management, or mind control, through the manipulation of brain-waves, live, via satellite. Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich has already proposed legislation banning such technologies.
6. Kidnapping all the liberal, leftist, elitist movie stars in Hollywood and replacing them with right-thinking, conservative, Republican-voting robot replicas.
5. Weaving tiny, microscopic, radio-transmitting cameras into all paper currency, so that George
Washington, Andrew Jackson and Ulysses S. Grant can keep an eye on our spending habits.
4. Infiltrating the mainstream media at all levels in order to plant and push stories that fall in line with the agendas of the Powers That Be. Oh wait… they already did that.
3. Building a "God Machine" that allows the Powers That Be to tap into the portion of the human brain relating to religious beliefs so that they may address individuals directly, in their heads, in the Voice of God. This will come in especially handy during all our looming wars against devoutly religious peoples, as well as during future elections here at home.
2. The complete digitalization of all textual, audio and video media, to be immediately followed by the complete destruction of all original documents and artifacts. This way, the entire bolus of culture and history may be periodically redacted by central authorities, so that none
of it ever conflicts with whichever "absolute, unchanging truth" the Powers That Be think is best, depending on the situation.
1. As an addendum to the above program, the building of a cross-country network of "relocation camps" which would be required in order to house all those mentally ill subversives who insist on remembering things, despite all the authoritative documentary evidence that exists to prove them wrong.

Walking Eagle

WALKING EAGLE
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers." At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud
President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the President.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

FART, SMELL, CRAP

FART, SMELL, CRAP
In response to President Bush's federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3,4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL. If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she
can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.
If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction For Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.

Gannongate Redux

GANNONGATE REDUX!
You wouldn't know it from following the mainstream media, but after months of stalling, the Secret Service has finally released some of their files on James Guckert (a.k.a. Jeff Gannon), and the information contained in these documents threatens to blast Gannongate to a whole new level.
You remember Jeff Gannon, don't you? He's the gay male prostitute who managed to bypass all security measures and masquerade as a journalist at the White House, lobbing right-wing softball questions at the preznit and others during press conferences, for almost three fucking years.
Well, according to these files, Gannon visited the White House an incredible 200 times. Not bad for somebody whose previous journalistic experience
consisted of giving blowjobs to closeted Washington Times columnists! But get this… out of all those visits, only 155 were for press conferences!
In total, Guckert made more than three dozen White House trips on days when no press briefings even took place, and on at least fourteen occasions, he either signed in without signing out, or singed out without signing in. Mostly, it was the former. This raises a number of rather intriguing questions which remain conspicuously absent from the national debate: How did he get in/out of the White House on those days when he didn't sign in/out? Who let him in/out, and through which entrance/exit? And, probably the most important question, what the hell was he doing there?!
Yer old pal aims to answer that last question with his list of the…
TOP 13 THINGS GANNON WAS DOING AT THE WHITE HOUSE!
13. Attending numerous White House prayer
circles and/or circle-jerks.
12. Making a few extra bucks by massaging First Lady Laura Bush's bunions.
11. Having hot, greasy homo-sex with White House press secretary Simple Scotty McClelland.
10. Furiously masturbating to Richard Nixon's presidential portrait.
9. Offering fifty dollar washroom blowjobs to tubby, bi-curious tourists from the Midwest.
8. Having hot, greasy homo-sex with Karl "Turdblossom" Rove.
7. Reliving his days as an underage White House call-boy during the first Bush administration.
6. Pretending to be a Secret Service agent, just like he pretended to be a Marine and a journalist.
5. Having hot, greasy homo-sex with Preznit Dubya.
4. Getting the following week's talking points uploaded to the microchip in his
brain.
3. Seriously jeopardizing national security.
2. Having hot, greasy, four-way tag-team homo-sex with Scott McClelland, Karl Rove and Preznit Dubya.
1. Poppers!

Iraqis Iced

IRAQIS ICED
A man who works in the White House is found by the President one day, sobbing at his computer.
"What’s wrong there fella?" asks the President.
"I just read a horrible story on the Internet about a bunch of U.S. soldiers that accidentally orphaned five Iraqi children."
"Well," said the President. "Sometimes freedom has its price."
"But Mr. President," gasped the man. "Where will it end?"
"There is no end to fightin’ for truth and justice," said the President.
"But how is truth and justice served by such senseless killing?" said the man.
"Well," said the President. "The truth is that we just iced
about 100,000 other Iraqis, it won’t matter if we serve up a few more."

Dubna 'N' Drugs

DUBYA 'N' DRUGS
During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college?"
"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

Daily Briefing

DAILY BRIEFING
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands. Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Home Depot

HOME DEPOT
President George W. Bush was going to a Home Depot. His bodyguards surrounded him, and everyone immediately took notice of the unusual sight. They looked closer and they saw who it was.
Everyone was in awe. "Why would George W. Bush be in a Home Depot?" they all asked each other. "He should have his workers do it for him". Finally, one man asked the President, "What are you doing in this little store of ours?"
To which George replied, "Oh, everyone has been saying that I should get a new cabinet".

Excess Weight

EXCESS WEIGHT
"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the old professor.
"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the old professor said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Moses And Bush

MOSES AND BUSH
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice,
"Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness.

Top 13 Reasons Why Poppy Didn't Take Iraq

TOP 13 REASONS why POPPY DIDN'T TAKE IRAQ!
13. Because "neither the U.S. nor the countries of the region wished to see the breakup of the Iraqi state."
12. Because Poppy was "concerned about the long-term balance of power at the head of the Gulf."
11. Because "extending the ground war into an occupation of Iraq would have violated" Poppy's "guideline about not changing objectives in midstream."
10. Because it "would have incurred incalculable human and political costs."
9. Because America "would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq."
8. Because "unilaterally exceeding the U.N.'s mandate would have destroyed the precedent of international
response to aggression" Poppy had "hoped to establish."
7. Because Poppy believed that "the fate of Saddam Hussein was up to the Iraqi people." All the above were taken from Poppy's own published words. Now, for a bit of unofficial, satiric truth...
6. Because he didn't want to risk his historically unprecedented approval rating.
5. Because Poppy's "good friends", the Saudi and Kuwaiti royal families, simply wouldn't have tolerated it.
4. Because Colin Powell got cold feet after too many people got wise to the basic facts surrounding IRAQGATE, wherein a rogue faction of the military-industrial-intelligence complex -- with Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld at the helm -- had illegally armed Saddam's regime, then tricked him into invading Kuwait, with the specific intent of establishing military bases in the strategically vital, petroleum-rich region.
3.
Because the sixty miles of murder inflicted upon retreating Iraqi troops during the Highway of Death incident had momentarily slaked Poppy's monstrous hereditary blood-thirst.
2. Because there were only so many war crimes Norman Schwarzkopf was willing to commit.
1. Because you eat the elephant one bite at a time.

Presidential Gaff

PRESIDENTIAL GAFF
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.
They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them have to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shook the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to
President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Leadership Test

LEADERSHIP TEST:
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with the Abdul Kalam.
He asks kalam what his leadership philosophy is.
He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows! if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr.Prime Minister, please answer
this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your! father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back To you?"
Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, Out nobody can come up with an
answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you Jackass, its Manmohan Singh!"

President Bush Sells Out Louisians Back To The French

PRESIDENT BUSH SELLS LOUISIANA BACK TO THE FRENCH
President Bush and a giddy Nicolas Sarkozy shake hands on the deal.
BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.
"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and
better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Sharaq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."
The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.
"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."
The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.
"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"
However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.
"This
is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."
"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."
The money gained from 'T'he Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Ten Things We Found About 9/11 In 2004

TEN THINGS WE FOUND OUT ABOUT 9/11 IN 2004
1. The World Trade Center Black Boxes were recovered, though officials perpetuate the lie that they weren't.
2. FEMA really did arrive early in New York City, for the "bioterror drill" Tripod II, and Rudi Giuliani's testimony to that effect before the 9/11 Commission is its only public testimony which remains officially untranscribed.
3. The Total Information Awareness program was ready to roll out before Sept 11, and John Poindexter's office was established in the Pentagon no later than Sept 12.
4. A recording of six air traffic controllers' same-day detailing of their communication with two hijacked planes on
September 11 was purposefully destroyed by the FAA.
5. NORAD was conducting a live-fly simulation of multiple hijackings on the morning of 9/11, which effectively hamstrung a fighter response already compromised by exercises which took the bulk of interceptors far from the eastern seaboard.
6. Dick Cheney was running a separate command and control communications system on 9/11, which whistleblower Indira Singh recognized [http://justicefor911.org/September-Hearings.doc] as having "the exact same functionality I was looking to utilize [for] Ptech," the high tech terrorist and intelligence cut-out that "was set up in the basement of the FAA" for two years before the attacks. (Go to this page [http://911busters.com/911-Commission.html] to download video testimony of Mike Ruppert and Indira Singh on this subject.)
7. George Bush was unwilling to reluctanctly meet members of his reluctantly struck
9/11 Commission unless Cheney accompanied him, both were unsworn, their words were unrecorded and untranscribed, the meeting was private and in the White House, and the members' notebooks were confiscated afterwards.
8. That John Ashcroft made the case for Sibel Edmonds' State Secret Privilege gag order by claiming that disclosure of her testimony would "cause serious damage to the national security interests of the United States" suggests he is at least an accessory after the fact (Daniel Ellsberg believes Ashcroft deserving of jail time for his role in obstructing justice), as Edmonds has been able to say that her testimony involves "specific information implicating certain high level government and elected officials in criminal activities directly and indirectly related to terrorist money laundering, narcotics, and illegal arms sales."
9. Donald Rumsfeld confirmed what we knew all along, that Flight 93 was shot down,
and the corporate media flew into damage control for the Pentagon, saying the Secretary "misspoke" and "stoked conspiracy theories."
10. As Pakistan wound down the search for Osama bin Laden and "prohibited" American forces based in Afghanistan from making cross-border incursions into the Tribal Areas, Musharraf was rewarded with the approving words that his continuing rule remains an internal matter for Pakistanis. (Afghanistan was, arguably, more cooperative in their attempt to bring bin Laden to justice, and Iraq was not a rogue nuclear state.)

Feel Good But Smell Awful

FEEL GOOD BUT SMELL AWFUL
George Bush wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best suit ready for another hard days bullshitting. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he thinks "By God, George, you're looking good this morning."
He admires the fine cut of his suit and the sparkle of his smile, and takes a deep breath. "Feeling good too" he notes.
Sitting at breakfast Laura says, "You're looking really good this morning George."
"I feel good too." responds George.
"But you're not smelling too good dear." comments Laura.
George takes a sniff. "Hmmm. You're right there." he says worriedly "I am smelling a bit rough." He finishes his breakfast, downs his
coffee and heads for his private office.
"Good morning." he grins at his secretary.
"Yes it's a beautiful morning" she replies "and you're looking really good."
"Why thank you I feel good too." replies George flexing his arms.
"Oh George!" cries his secretary "You may look good and feel good but you smell awful!"
Worried, George visits his doctor. "Doc I have a problem." he says "I look good and feel good but I smell awful!"
The doctor consults his medical textbook scanning quickly through..."Look good ... yeah ... feel good ... yeah ... smell awful ..."
"Ah .. that's it George, I have the answer ... You're a CUNT"

Love Making Tips For Seniors

LOVE MAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses and double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know
with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice

Barber Shop

BARBER SHOP
A young boy enters the barbers hop and Bill Soprovitch the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!!!!"

Charge For Sex

CHARGE FOR SEX
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began
walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

20 Qualities Of An Educated Person

20 QUALITIES OF AN EDUCATED PERSON
John Taylor Gatto, former New York City and New York State Teacher of the Year has compiled the following list that he calls "The 20 Qualities of an Educated Person." In compiling this list, Gatto reviewed the answers to questionnaires given to a number of Corporate Personnel Managers and College Admission Officers. According to these two groups, an educated person will demonstrate:
1. A broadly knowledgeable mind
2. Self confidence
3. A life purpose
4. A touch of class
5. Good leadership skills
6.
The ability to work with a team
7. Patience
8. Good public speaking skills
9. Good writing skills
10. Resourcefulness
11. A desire for responsibility
12. Honesty
13. A public spirit
14. The ability to work well alone
15. An eye for details
16. The ability to focus at will
17. Perseverance
18. The ability to handle pressure
19. Curiosity
20. An attractive personal style
(Do you notice how these have little to do with academic knowledge and skills, but a LOT to do with CHARACTER?)
by

New Employee

NEW EMPLOYEE
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"
"In 3 months."

Bread

BREAD
Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"
Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my father does?"

Mother Superior

MOTHER SUPERIOR
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together for an emergency meeting and says, "I must tell you all something of great importance, we have a case of gonorrhea!"
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am so tired of Zinfandel!"

Son In Law

SON IN LAW
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Alcohol Bad For Legs

ALCOHOL BAD FOR LEGS
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"

Short Of Cash

SHORT OF CASH
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short of cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

Sleep In Room With Baby

SLEEP IN ROOM WITH BABY
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid,"

Men - You Know When You Are Getting Old

MEN - YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GETTING OLD
1. You sit on the toilet for 2 hours and you can't shit or jackoff
2. Most of the spam email you get is about cremation services
3. Your dick is getting smaller and your balls are filling up your pants
4. Piss stains are outnumbering cum stains in your underwear
5. Your belt level is above your tits

Reasons To Smile

REASONS TO SMILE
----> Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
----> Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
----> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
----> How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
----> A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
----> I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
----> When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
----> Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
----> Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
----> Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
----> Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
----> Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
---->
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
I don't know about you, but I sure got a chuckle out of these, and I'll bet your friends will too!! Pass it along!!
Life is good!

Soap Dispenser

SOAP DISPENSER
A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower.
On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue.
When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!''
Another said, ''How you get the soap?''
So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand.
''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the nun.
The second nun pulled on his dick.
''Look! I got liquid soap!''

Which Part

WHICH PART
Santa Singh: Will this bus take me to Jalandhar?
Driver: Which part?
Santa Singh: All of me, of course!

Colour TV

COLOUR TV
Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner.
Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'

Tooo Much

TOOO MUCH !!!
A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases, share the same room in a hospital.
They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.
After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient.
He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.
After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says "Bengali".
Sardarji doesn't want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation.
Sardarji musters all his
energy and says "Punjabi" gesturing the same way as Bengali did.
Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself "Sharath Bose"
Sardarji after some effort says "Devindar Singh".
Bengali is even happier that they now know each other's names.
After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says "Cancer" - - again doing the same gesture as before.
Sardarji smiles and with some effort says " Scorpio"

Cycling

CYCLING
Once Santa Singh was riding a cycle and he suddenly hit a girl!
So girl shouted, 'Sala ghanti nahi maar sakta tha!!!'
And sardarji replied, 'Poori cycle to maar di ab ghanti alag se maroon??!!!'

Stupidity Height

STUPIDITY HEIGHT
What is the height of stupidity?
2 sardarjies sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a window seat

Empty Swimming Pool

EMPTY SWIMMING POOL
Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!

Air India

AIR INDIA
Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says the Sardarji and hangs up.

Deep Thinker

DEEP THINKER
What do you call a Sardarji in a deep well?
A deep thinker..

Indian Railways

INDIAN RAILWAYS
Once a sardarji tries to cheat the Indian railways.
He is thinking for a novel idea.
He thinks a lot and finally he did one thing, he bought the ticket and didn't travel.

Curd

CURD
A Sardar had called an Englishman for lunch. There was curd on the table.
The guest asked what is this?
The Sardar didn't know English, he said "Milk sleeping in night, morning becomes tight"

ATM

ATM
A sardar was drawing money from ATM.
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****).
The first sardar replies, " Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. Its 1258."

Forgetting

FORGETTING
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?

Ticket

TICKET
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket.
Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it.
'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.'
'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'

Birla Cement

BIRLA CEMENT
Sardar 1:- Marte Waqt Aadmi Ko Kya Dena Chahiye?
Sardar2:-Birla cement
Sardar1:-Kyun?
Sardar2:- Kyunki Is Cement Mein Jaan Hain

Glass

GLASS
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?'
Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'

Golf Caddy Quotes

GOLF CADDY QUOTES
* Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
* Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
* Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
* Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
* Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's
distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
* Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
* Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
* Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
* Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
* Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Bricks For Barbecue

BRICKS FOR BARBECUE
A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"Yeah, it's going to be a barbecue."
"Damn! That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"
"Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor."

Teacher Says

TEACHER SAYS
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.
5.
Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.
10. I am amazed
at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

Indian Names

INDIAN NAMES
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Heaven Again

HEAVEN AGAIN A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He
and the dog walked toward the gate. As he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water
brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a
tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump
with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind

Have It

HAVE IT
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

Camping Tips

CAMPING TIPS
* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
* Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
* When smoking a fish, never inhale.
* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe
paddle.
* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Top Engineering Terminology

TOP ENGINEERING TERMINOLOGY
* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE -
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING -
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED -
The only person who understood the thing quit.
* IT IS IN THE PROCESS -
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
* WE WILL LOOK INTO IT -
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
* PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL -
Let's spread the
responsibility for the screw up.
* GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING -
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
* GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION -
I can't wait to hear this bull!
* SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS -
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
* ALL NEW -
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
* RUGGED -
Too damn heavy to lift!
* LIGHTWEIGHT -
Lighter than RUGGED.
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -
One finally worked.
* ENERGY SAVING -
Achieved when the power switch is off.
* LOW MAINTENANCE -
Impossible to fix if broken.

Fire Rescue Memorandum

FIRE RESCUE MEMORANDUM - OFFICE OF THE FIRE CHIEF
To: All Riding Members
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.
Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1. Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2.
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
8. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons
as being "paws up," "ART" (assuming room temperature), "CC" (Cancel Christmas), "CTD" (circling the drain), or "NLPR" (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

Drive Like Lightning

DRIVE LIKE LIGHTNING
Bill: My wife drives like lightning.
Doug: She drives fast?
Bill: No, she hits trees!

Come To Work Naked

COME TO WORK NAKED
Because they have to pay for their own uniforms the nurses in Sweden are threatening to come to work naked.
Somehow I think that's going to be a long strike.

Airplane Burger

AIRPLANE BURGER
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.
"I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet?'" he asked.
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

Hermaphrodite

HERMAPHRODITE
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er...features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... ...AND a brain?"

Six Black Hens

SIX BLACK HENS
Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?"
The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want six black hens?
Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"

Separate Bedrooms

SEPARATE BEDROOMS
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected *knock* on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally,her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well...
Wally takes leave of his bride,and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more
"action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it- Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,ready for more "action". And,once Again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover,Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and asks, "You mean I was here already?"
The moral of the story:
Senior moments have advantages.

Blonde In Pub

BLONDE IN PUB
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

Great New Job

GREAT NEW JOB
Mary: Did you hear that Linda got a great new job?
Jill: Really? I wish I could do that. I'd like a change for the better.
Mary: Well, you can always do what she did.
Jill: What's that?
Mary: Don't wear panties to the interview.

Nostalgic

NOSTALGIC
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

No Excuse Sunday

NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, 'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.'
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The pastor speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'
5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
6.
Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

Swimming Outfit

SWIMMING OUTFIT
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

If You Get Stuck In An Elevator

IF YOU GET STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR, WHAT DO YOU DO?
1. You start to scream and shout hysterically
2. You cry like a baby.
3. You get claustrophobic.
4. You call the fire department for help.
5. You call the caretaker for help.
6. Call for the lift mechanic to help
WRONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the above is completely wrong.
The first thing you must do is to check if a camera is installed in the elevator.

Very Short Book Lists

VERY SHORT BOOK LISTS
* Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
* A Guide to Arab Democracies
* Career Opportunities for History Majors
* Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
* French Hospitality
* Popular Lawyers
* The Amish Phone Book
* Everything Men Know About Women

Prison Pick Up Lines

PRISON PICK UP LINES
* "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
* "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"
* "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
* "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"
* "You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system."
* "You look even better in person than you did on America' Most Wanted."
* "If looks could kill, you'd get
25 to life."
* "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night."

Quickies

QUICKIES
* What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
* What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
* What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
* What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
* Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
* Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
* What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost
killed him!
* Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
* How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
* KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"
* Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
* What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
* Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats
on.
* What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
* Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."
* What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
* What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
* What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
* What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
* What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
* Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
* Mom's have
Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
* Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
* What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
* What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
* Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
* How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
* What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.
* What do you call kids born in
whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
* What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
* Have you heard about the blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
* What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
* How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
* Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
* What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!
* Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
Is it in?
* What do you call
a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
* What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
* What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
* How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
* What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
* Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
* What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
* If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
* What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
* Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
* When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
* What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
* What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
* How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw
anything.
* What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
* What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
* What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to JLo.

Three Wishes

THREE WISHES
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm,
riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

15 Best Jokes

15 BEST JOKES (A Mans Viewpoint)
1.. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
I am not able to remember, what did I choose?
----------------
2.. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
----------------
3.. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
----------------
4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
----------------
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together == 'don't stop'!
----------------
6.. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
----------------
7.. There are three stages to sex in a person's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
----------------
8.. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
----------------
9.. Q : What's an Australian kiss?
A : The same thing as a French kiss, only down under
----------------
10.. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.
----------------
11.. Q : What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? (The best one)
A : Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't!
----------------
12.. Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said no, but "her ass meant" yes.
----------------
13.. Q : What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A : A wh*re sleeps with everyone at the party and a b*tch sleeps with everyone except you.
----------------
14.. Q : Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A : Br*asts don't have eyes.......
----------------
15.. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!

Dumbass

DUMBASS
When Dick the dumbass teen went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his penis, the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D.
"No way," said the shocked young lad, blushing terribly. "It's gotta be a cold."
"Call it what you like, dude," said the dick doctor. "But we'll have to treat it like the clap until it sneezes."

Estrogen Patch

ESTROGEN PATCH
A woman had forgotten to get her estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause-- hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability--returned.
At the drugstore, she found herself telling the pharmacist all about my problems.
After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"

Defensive Driving Course

DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSE
The old professor got himself a speeding ticket, and was attending a defensive-driving course to have insurance points erased from his license.
The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, "guess who?" knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The old professor replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.

Support Dick

SUPPORT DICK
The White House Unveils It's New Drive To Show It's Support For Dick Cheney*
The White House has announced a new public relations drive designed to rehabilitate Vice President Dick Cheney's image among the American people. President George W. Bush, in a speech to the Heritage Society, has called upon that august body to lead the charge in a show of support for the beleaguered Vice President. The program is said to focus on a bi-partisan effort to convince Americans that whether they are Republican, Democrat or Independent, the current Administration is the government is for all the people, and Dick Cheney is a vital part of that Administration. The public relations program, called "I LOVE MY DICK!" is an attempt to show Americans that the Vice
President belongs to all of them, not just an elite few.
White House staffers handed out buttons that said, "I Love My Dick!", "We All Need Dick Now!" and "Your Bush Needs A Dick!" to Heritage members as they left the gathering. In Evangelical churches across the nation, pastors have been encouraged to post such sayings as "Jesus Loves Dick" and "God Bless My Dick". In a man on the street interview Georgetown hair stylist Christopher Street said, "Honey, I think it's fabulous! I've been wearing the 'I Love Dick!' button everyday to work to show my support. All of my stylists are very positive about Dick these days as well. It's a whole new Dick loving world baby!"
Unnamed White House Source P Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "I personally was a little leery of wearing a button that said "Give Me More Dick, Please" but my wife seems to love hers. The only one who doesn't seem too thrilled with the
new program is the Vice President's daughter Mary, but I'm not sure why. She does always wear the "I Love Bush" button though. I tell you this right now though, I'm not letting my daughter wear the "Give Me Dick Please!" button, ever."
So far public support from the Administration's base seems positive, with Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana urging his congregation to put the "Every Bush Needs A Good Dick" bumper stickers on their trucks and SUV's.
Evangelical Christian women seem quite happily to suddenly be allowed to voice their love of Dick as are a distressing number of their husbands.

Breathing Problem

BREATHING PROBLEM
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath... doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well...three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Flagpole

FLAGPOLE
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Car Privileges

CAR PRIVILEGES
David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Constipation

CONSTIPATION
Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

You Know You're A Redneck When

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
* Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is.

He Should Have Known

HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN...
The San Diego Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. His voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said,'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary." "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again,
presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

Rules Of Bar Drinking

RULES OF BAR DRINKING
* If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
* Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
* Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
* If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
* If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
* If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
* After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
* Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
* The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
* Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
* If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
* The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

Brother Died

BROTHER DIED
Two friends met on the street and one said, "I heard your brother died. What happened?"
"It was very sad," the other replied. "Lettuce killed him."
"How could lettuce kill a man?"
"He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh"
"The owner told him, 'Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'"

Toilet Seat

TOILET SEAT
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee.
She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I
forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the
other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie . So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, ... there wouldn't have been a problem now would there be?

Feel Like A Newborn Baby

FEEL LIKE A NEWBORN BABY
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Pasta Sauce

PASTA SAUCE
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Hallmark Cards

HALLMARK CARDS
More Hallmark cards you won't see....but would probably sell.
* OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
* OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
* OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
* OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
* OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder...
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!
* OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
* OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
* OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
* OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
* OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
* OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father
was?

Amish

AMISH
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her
husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Bible Class

BIBLE CLASS
The teacher in the bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.
"The Lord heard you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month until you loathe it."
The woman paused, looked up and said.... "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

Chinese Laundry

CHINESE LAUNDRY
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ASS!"

Complaints

COMPLAINTS
These are "true" complaints received by British Councils.
* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
* My neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has back-fired and burnt my knob off.
* I wish to complain that my Father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* I am having problems with next door and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the Farmer opposite; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Phone Games

PHONE GAMES
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong
number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she
wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
CLICK

Cruise

CRUISE
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.
"Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Bubbeh of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the dock in
their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."

Sermon Blooper

SERMON BLOOPER
A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers.
One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his
head, but it seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I can't remember who she was!"

Broken Clock

BROKEN CLOCK
Frustrated at always being corrected by John, Jill decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and Jill was ready.
"You know," Jill challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
John looked at her and replied, "Twice."

Topical Lovemaking Aid

TOPICAL LOVEMAKING AID
John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the clitoris, a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."
"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."
John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"

Old Age

OLD AGE
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Just A Little Ol' Town

JUST A LITTLE OL' TOWN
I pulled into a town that I couldn't believe still existed in 2007. A dusty,dirt road,a little old wooden store that actually said, "General Store" and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nuthin' but hunt n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Abe Spitzberg meets David Rosenbaum in the little back alley where they park their cars out of sight so that they can be seen to be walking to the Synagogue.
"Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the party."
"That's nice, Abe. Thank you, yes, I will come."
"Maybe you have some friends you can bring with you, yes? It's nice to have many people at a party!"
"Yes...I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Izzy Schwartz."
"Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something gold."
"Okay! I'll tell
them."
So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Izzy Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.

Vegetable Garden

VEGETABLE GARDEN
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied
excitedly, "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Human Reproduction

HUMAN REPRODUCTION
The teacher at the beginning of the class says: "OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on..."
Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention. But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on...
"... First, a man a woman have to be in love... "
But little Johny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.
The teacher ignores him.."..They have to be very much in love because..."
But now little Johnny even starts making noise with
his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him: " OK, little Johnny. What do you want to say."
Little Johnny then stands up, and says: "I just wanted to ask. Those of us who have already fucked, can we leave?"

Only In Texas

ONLY IN TEXAS......... !!
Only a Texan could think of this...............from the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot was empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the
officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Special Birthday Present

SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PRESENT
Bluey & Curly decided to get their good mate, Bazza a "special" birthday present for his 65th birthday
As Bazza opened his front door, there stood a drop-dead-gorgeous and very sexy 5'-8" blue-eyed blonde.
"Uh, may I help you?" Bazza drooled.
"Why no, Bazza. I'm here as a gift from your old mates. And every night, all this week, I'm gonna give you SUPER SEX."
Bazza looked thoughtful for a moment and finally sighed at his inability to measure up to the situation... "I guess I'll take the soup."

Are You A Prostitute Or A Programmer

ARE YOU A PROSTITUTE OR A PROGRAMMER
1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well, but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in an air-conditioned room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
12. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
13. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with other "professionals."
14. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
15. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
16. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM)
17. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
18. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
19. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is
higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
20. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
21. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Religious Conversion

RELIGIOUS CONVERSION
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the
rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"