Top 13 Possible Secret Spy Programs

TOP 13 POSSIBLE SECRET SPY PROGRAMS!
13. Installing two-way video screens in every citizen's home so that the Powers That Be can take daily, mandatory, nation-wide attendance, followed by a group recital of the Pledge of Allegiance and the Lord's Prayer.
12. A program to make every Bond villain plot a reality, including Dr. No's anti-ballistic missile program, development of the Lektor universal decoding machine prophesied in From Russia With Love, Auric Goldfinger's scheme to irradiate the world's gold reserves (thus giving the greenback a much-needed boost), and the construction of an orbital space station to house the master race which will re-populate the planet after it is cleansed of its superfluous humanity. Also weighing heavily on taxpayer wallets would
be the fleet of submarine-eating submarines, spaceship-eating spaceships, and Moonrakers.
11. Funding research into the deployment of environmental micro-pathogens that attack only Muslims and liberals.
10. Three words: "Exploding Suicide Camels."
9. Constructing a vast array of internet porn sites featuring the biggest names in adult video catering to the filthiest fetishes imaginable with the highest quality original content -- all of which will be scientifically engineered to trigger the release of opium-like erototixins deep in the psycho-sexual pseudo-cortex of the primitive reptilian brain. Unable to control themselves, consumers will be drawn ever deeper into the site's highly illegal sublevels, while a special NSA taskforce records every click for future use as blackmail material. "Gee Senator, you're not voting for my Final Solution bill? That's a shame. Whatever will your constituents
think when they learn about your propensity for masturbating
to live video feeds of burly gay lumberjacks fingering pig fetuses in utero?"
8. Equipping, training and brainwashing a six million man army of bionic men, at a cost of six million dollars, each. Do the math, people!
7. The development of space-based "psychotronic" technologies directed at individual persons
or targeted populations for the purpose of mood management, or mind control, through the manipulation of brain-waves, live, via satellite. Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich has already proposed legislation banning such technologies.
6. Kidnapping all the liberal, leftist, elitist movie stars in Hollywood and replacing them with right-thinking, conservative, Republican-voting robot replicas.
5. Weaving tiny, microscopic, radio-transmitting cameras into all paper currency, so that George
Washington, Andrew Jackson and Ulysses S. Grant can keep an eye on our spending habits.
4. Infiltrating the mainstream media at all levels in order to plant and push stories that fall in line with the agendas of the Powers That Be. Oh wait… they already did that.
3. Building a "God Machine" that allows the Powers That Be to tap into the portion of the human brain relating to religious beliefs so that they may address individuals directly, in their heads, in the Voice of God. This will come in especially handy during all our looming wars against devoutly religious peoples, as well as during future elections here at home.
2. The complete digitalization of all textual, audio and video media, to be immediately followed by the complete destruction of all original documents and artifacts. This way, the entire bolus of culture and history may be periodically redacted by central authorities, so that none
of it ever conflicts with whichever "absolute, unchanging truth" the Powers That Be think is best, depending on the situation.
1. As an addendum to the above program, the building of a cross-country network of "relocation camps" which would be required in order to house all those mentally ill subversives who insist on remembering things, despite all the authoritative documentary evidence that exists to prove them wrong.