First Jewish President Of The USA

FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT OF THE USA The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..." He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!" His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport,
and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it' s just too much trouble." He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!" To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble." He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger." She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room,and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..." Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!" She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come." The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty: Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?" Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving! " Betty: "That's nice. The doctor?" Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

Map Reading

MAP READING The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude... ?" After a confused silence, Morris offered this as his answer...."I guess you'd be eating alone."

Secret Of Practice

SECRET OF PRACTICE
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on."
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. "My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our
herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land,"said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever -- right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
"A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.
"Then I have them stop by the office
for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

In The Desert

IN THE DESERT
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent
dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Bedtime Story

BEDTIME STORY A girl of seven walked into her mother's bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story. The mother wasn't thrilled with the request. She said, "It's almost two in the morning." "I know, Mommy, but I'd love to hear a story." The mother said, "Lie down in bed with me. We'll wait for your father and
he'll tell us both one!"

Bad Smoking, Good Nudity

BAD SMOKING, GOOD NUDITY Well it is The 21st Century. Sex and the City is a damn popular show. A Nude Painting, Once Banned For Being Too Sexy, Is Unbanned But May Get Banned Again Because The Woman Is Smoking A Cigarette. Read below: After 60 years, a painting known as the Newport Nude, put away when council
chiefs in Newport, South Wales, decided the painting was too scandalous, has finally been put back on display. Now people want it banned again because the woman is smoking a cigarette.

Secretary Pregnant

SECRETARY PREGNANT Santa in deep thaughts sitting calm, quite,
Banta: What is wrong with you Santa
Santa: Please dont ask
Banta: I am your child hood friend say to me.
Santa: My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant
Banta: Thats not possible
Santa: No he did
Banta: Hows that possible
Santa: He punctured my condoms

Why A Dog Can't Use Computers

WHY A DOG CAN'T USE COMPUTERS
~ He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
~ SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
~ Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
~ Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
~ He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."
~ The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
~ He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.

Interview

INTERVIEW
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he "knew" he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.
The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest..."

Encyclopaedia

ENCYCLOPAEDIA
Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in the computer knowledge between my younger and older students. This was confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopaedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopaedias.
His response told it all.
"Really?" he said, "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

Oil Crisis

OIL CRISIS Nice Logic - It May Work!! A man eats two eggs each morning for breakfast. When he goes to the Kirana store he pays Rs. 12 a dozen. Since a dozen eggs won't last a week he normally buys two dozens at a time. One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to Rs. 16. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are Rs. 22 a dozen. When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "The price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly" . This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day. He checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices. The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms. The small egg farms have been driven out of business. The huge egg farms sell 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors. With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit. The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on. As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up. He saw the big egg trucks
delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there. He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily. Nothing had changed but the price of eggs. Then week before Eid the price of eggs shot up to Rs. 40 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "Cakes and baking for the holiday". The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up. Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking, baking, etc. happen. This pattern continues until the price of eggs is Rs. 60 a dozen. The man says, "There must be something we can do about the price of eggs". He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs. Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need. He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day. The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler. He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs. Maybe wouldn't need any all week. The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse. He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks. At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs. To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price. The distributor said, " I don't have the room for the eggs even if they were free". The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again. The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buying 2 or 3 eggs at a time. Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again". The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers but the egg farmers liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, those chickens just kept on laying. Finally, the egg farmers
lowered the price of their eggs. But only a few paisa. The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "when the price of eggs gets down to where it was before, we will start buying by the dozen." Slowly the price of eggs started dropping. The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers. The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for. Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a
while. And those chickens kept on laying. Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell. The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the stores could afford to sell them at the lower price. And the customers starting buying by the dozen again.
Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry. What if everyone only bought Rs 200.00 worth of Petrol each time they pulled to the pump? The dealer's tanks would stay semi full all the time. The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tanks. The tank farms wouldn't have room for the petrol coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off loaded from the huge tankers coming from the oil fiends. Just Rs. 200.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill up the tank of your car. You may have to stop for gas twice a week, but the price should come down. Think about
it. Also, don't buy anything else at the fuel station; don't give them any more of your hard earned money than what you spend on gas, until the prices come down..." Just think of this concept for a while. ............ ....please pass this concept around....reaching out to the masses...the world.....

Utaaro Na

UTAARO NA
*Larki - Utaro Na,*
*Larka - Nahi.*
*Larki - Jaldi Karo,*
*Larka - Nahi.*
*Larki - Mujhe Irritate Mat Karo,*
*Larka - Mujhe Dar Lagta Hain.*
*Larki - Darne Ki Kya Baat Hai, Sab Karte Hain,*
*Larka - Nahi Sab Dekh Lenge.*
*Larki - Stupid Sabko Dekhane Do, Tum Jaldi Utaro Bas.*
*.*
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*WARNA EXAM MAIN PASS NAHI HO PAYOGE.....*

Five Levels Of Hangover

FIVE LEVELS OF HANGOVERS
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
giant burrito from the 3:00 AM Mexican taco place adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out on your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your
ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :
1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably;
Innovative;
Preliminary;
Proliferation;
Cinnamon

2 Party System

2-PARTY SYSTEM
A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. So we have created a list of the Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see in the next Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
8. The Gay / NRA Party... We're here, we're queer... ....YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party.. C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya please?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail
- does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.

Genie

GENIE
An Irishman found an old oil lamp and rubbed it. Out came a Genie who said, "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
The Irishman scratched his head for a few moments, then answered, "I wish for a bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."
"Granted master" replied the Genie and produced the bottle.
The Irishman was delighted and immediately poured himself a tall glass of the dark brew. After he drained the glass he picked up the bottle and sure enough it
was full again. The Irishman got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for three weeks before he remembered that he had two more wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.
"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You remember that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Awkward Age

AWKWARD AGE
Mary: Well, I guess I've reached that awkward age.
Jill: What do you mean?
Mary: Too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care!

Public Service Announcement

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one (1) liter of water each day, at the end of the year, we would have absorbed more than one kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in feces; in other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap!
HOWEVER, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors), because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = CRAP!
WINE = HEALTH!
Free yourself of CRAP, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit, than to drink water, and be full of it.

A Dying Scotsman

A DYING SCOTSMAN
On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
The Scot goes: "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we are all here?" say the children.
The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say: "Yes, we are all here..."
The Scot gets up and says: "Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

Stupid Sayings

STUPID SAYINGS
----> Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
----> Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
----> The proctologist called...they found your head.
----> Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
----> Save your breath...You' ll need it to blow up your date.
----> Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
----> I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
----> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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Religious Teachers

RELIGIOUS TEACHERS
A priest, a minister, a rabbi and a moulvi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology. Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants!"
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi stood up.
"I wish return of the Jews to their native lands, to fill in the gap to be left after all protestants and catholics are gone."
The Moulvi kept seated, so
the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Moulana?"
The moulvi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of tea."

Stolen Towels

STOLEN TOWELS
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."

Global Warming

GLOBAL WARMING
Mary: I have my own theory about global warming, and I think it's a pretty sound one.
Jill: What's that?
Mary: Well, someone should consider the possibility that it's caused by all of us menopausal women and our hot flashes.

Unconscious

UNCONSCIOUS
Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender.
"What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

Locket

LOCKET
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Q & A

Q & A
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum
Q: Why do women prefer older gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
A: Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven ....
A: She didn't know which 1 came first.
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a
gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
Q: "Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"
A: "Not by anyone I know of."
Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Punch his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do you say to a girl from Kentucky?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread?
A: Because they are both turned down at night.
Q: What did one sand pile say to the other sand pile?
A: Whatchya dune?
Q: Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in a chicken.
Q:
Do you know what's wrong with political jokes?
A: They get elected
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A: The kid stutters.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Why was she fired from her proofreading job?
A: For throwing away all the W's.
Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Q: How can you make your wife mad while making love?
A: Call her from your cell phone.
Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking
the truck door.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just Juan.
Q: Why did the dummy take a ruler to bed?
A: To see how long he slept.
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace
Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A: Don't press your luck.
Q: What did the religious carrot say to the greens?
A: Lettuce pray
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What do you call a Jewish wife who
catches her husband in bed with his secretary?
A: "The Plaintiff."
Q: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A: American's would eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q: Why do women prefer older gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: Why do women prefer older gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What do you call a bunch of lesbians with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!
Q: Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?
A: No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven
....
A: She didn't know which 1 came first.
Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum
Q: Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?
A: Not by anyone I know of.
Q: What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the
whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A:
You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A: A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.
Q: Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him
a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party;
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do you call an Amish
guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat that last donut.
Q: Jewish dilemma:
A: Free PORK.
Q: The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
A: "Are you in?"
Q: The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
Q: Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread?
A: Because they are both turned down at night.
Q: How are tits like martinis?
A: One's not enough and three's too
many.
Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a women?
A: Her nostrils, so that she can breath while giving a blowjob.
Q: Why are guys so good at video games?
A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.
Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A: You let the pit bull finish.
Q: What do you call a bunch of lesbians with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!
Q: "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
A: "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A:
S&M&M.
Q: Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A: They'll never see you coming.
Q: Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Italians hate ALL witnesses.
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: What do you call a camel with no humps...
A: Humphrey!
Q: What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?
A: The trailer is level.
Q: How do you say hello in French?
A: "I Surrender."
Q: Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?
A: Never mind - its pointless.
Q: How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
Q: How can you tell if your date really enjoys oral sex?
A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
Q: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?
A: Launch meat
Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter
"A"?
A: One thousand
Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All were invented by women.
Q: What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
Q: Who are the patron saints of vacations?
A: St Thomas, St. Croix, and San Juan.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
Q: Why did Nature create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating Cunt once in a while too.
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face
with a frying pan.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A: Better traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q: What was Moby Dick's father's name?
A: Papa Boner.
Q: What do you call a gay guy in the deep South?
A: Ho-mo-sex-y' all
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party;
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A:
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat that last donut.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A
mechanic.

One Liners

ONE LINERS
* Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
* Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the risk.
* "Work fascinates me", I can look at it for hours
* Molasses: The back part of moles.
* Men are like......Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
* Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
* Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest
* Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY
* Men are like.....Cement. After
getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
* Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.
* Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
* Men are like.....Commercial s. You can't believe a word they say.
* Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
* Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
* Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
* Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
* Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
* Men are like.....Placemats. They only
show up when there's food on the table.
* Men are like.....Snowstorms . You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
* Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
* I can't lose any weight, I tried jogging - I keep running into restaurants!
* If brains were taxed, most people would get a rebate
* Condoms should be marketed in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and super colossal. In that way, men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
* Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
* I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places!
* Since light
travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect..... . so why practice?
* I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
* If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
* There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
* Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
* One should love animals. They are so tasty.
* Every man should
marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
* The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
* I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate.
* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
* There is always someplace better than here, until you get there.

Wear The Pants

WEAR THE PANTS
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my Wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on." So she did and said, "These just don't fit."
So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here try these on."
So she does and says, "These just won't fit."
So Jacks
says,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into these."
So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

News Flash

NEWS FLASH
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Investment Vocabulary

INVESTMENT VOCABULARY
* EBITDA: Earnings Before I Tricked Damned Auditor
* EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities & Tampering
* CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
* CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
* NAV: Normal Anderson Valuation
* FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards
* P/E: Parole Entitlement
* EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence
* Bull Market: A random
market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
* Bear Market: A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
* Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
* Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
* P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
* Broker: What my broker has made me.
* "BUY-BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the airplane.
* Standard & Poor: My life in a nutshell.
* Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
* Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.
* Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
* Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
* Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
* Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
* Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240/share.
* Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
* Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.

Gay

GAY
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin, Boudreaux made a confession.
"We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you."
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to liv. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat yall wont let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes
from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.
Sho' nough, six munts later Beoudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.
Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say.
"I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot admitted.
Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'.... anyting, Make it rhyme."
Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

Up Or Down

UP OR DOWN
An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife "Up or down".
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife "Up or down". But this time she merely answers "Down".
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "fuck or drown".

Stock Market Terminology Explained

STOCK MARKET TERMINOLOGY EXPLAINED
Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor:
· Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
· Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
· Broker - Poorer than you were last year.
· P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
· Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
· Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
· Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
· Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month
period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
· Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
· Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
· Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
· Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
· Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
· Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.
· Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
· Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.
·
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
· Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
· Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
· Alan Greenspan - God.

Meaning Of Pakistan

MEANING OF PAKISTAN
After the Election 2008 - Now the meaning of Pakistan ??
P=Petrol 86.66 Rs. Per ltr
A= Ata 32 Rs KG
K= Khudkush Hamle
I= ILIM ki kami
S= Sarko pe pani
T= Traffic Jam
A= Awam Pareshan
N= No Electricity Mar gai awam, magar phir b Bhutto zinda hai.

Widow

WIDOW
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Smith."
"You've found her, Father," smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.
"That's correct, Father, he surely did--But I didn't."

Viagra

VIAGRA
There is a family gathering, with all the generations around the table. The teenagers smuggle in a Viagra tablet and put it in Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he has to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa," asked his concerned children?
"Well," he answered, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back.

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a
part time 'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Sixtieth Anniversary

SIXTIETH ANNIVERSARY
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweet-hearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back
in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Cherokee Indian

CHEROKEE INDIAN
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

Illegal Immigration

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
The latest telephone poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
a. 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
b. 59% of the respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."

Came Back

CAME BACK
Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.

Hospital

HOSPITAL
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Car Salesmen

CAR SALESMEN
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Change Something

CHANGE SOMETHING
Bill was having a drink in a bar with his friend Doug.
Doug asked, "If you were given a choice to change something 'bout you, what would you change?"
Bill said, "I wouldn't gamble."
"Did you lose a lot of money?" Doug asked sympathetically.
"No, I made a lot of money," Bill muttered. "But, I used it to get married."

Blessed Day - Moms

BLESSED DAY - MOMS
Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home. I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep. I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes. I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I
loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them. Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws
by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing others property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are
doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW.
(And Their Kids!!!)

Farts

FARTS
1. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
3. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
6. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
7. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8. CARELESS : Farts in church
9. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10. CLEVER :
Farts and coughs at the same time
11. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
12. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
13. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
14. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
15. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
18. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
19. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20. FRESH GUY :
Jumps in front of you and then farts
21. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
22. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24. LAZY : Just fizzles
25. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
28. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
29. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31.
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
32. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
34. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
37. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole
38. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
40. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
42.
VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart
43. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit Nancy

Halloween Party Dress

HALLOWEEN PARTY DRESS
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.
The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He again yells at his poor wife, "What are
you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.
When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items.
1. Set of three white buttons
2. a thick white belt, and the
3. a 2 x 4
"The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for?
"The wife yells back," Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a Domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a Fudgesicle

Hunting

HUNTING
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Steal A Dress

STEAL A DRESS
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

Random Groaner Thoughts

RANDOM GROANER THOUGHTS
People who live in Hawaii are here today, gone to Maui.
If you steal a clock, will you face time?
If a soldier eats too much cake, would he be a desserter?
I know one theater critic who always gives a glowing review to the first show of the season. He does not want to stone the first cast.
Hey, there's a new airline for geezers. They're calling it Incontinental.
If you sell a pig to a pawn shop, do they call that a ham hock?
I knew a woman who was friends with a bunch of soldiers. It was a platoonic relationship.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change
ready.
Did you see where the Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association have appointed a new spokesperson?
Then there was the parachute maker who was on trial for selling defective products. He said his accusers had jumped to conclusions.
My doctor is a herbologist. He believes thyme heals all wounds.
Are tactics breath mints for dyslexic people?
What's the difference between a film and a witch's brew? One is a motion picture and the other a potion mixture.
Would you read about jalapenos in the newspepper?

Chosen VP

CHOSEN VP Barrack Obama has chosen his running mate. It was annnounced today that he has selected Sylvester Stallone as his choice for Vice President. (He ha actually chosen Biden) They will run as "SAMBO and RAMBO". This is in contrast to George Bush and Dick Chenney who ran as "BUSH and DICK". Also, I Heard That
Nancy Peolosi is going to be Secretary of State, so, Sit will be "SAMBO, RAMBO, and BIMBO" !! Add Fat Al Bore as Secretary of the Environment and John Kerry as Secretary of Defense and you will have "SAMBO, RAMBO, BIMBO, DUMBO, and DILDO"

Halloween Groaners

HALLOWEEN GROANERS
----> Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts!
----> How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch!
----> How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
Scare spray!
----> Who mans a ghost ship?
There’s a skeleton crew!
----> What did the ghost tell his wife?
You look boo-tiful tonight!
----> Why was 8 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate (8)
9!
----> What did the trick or treat bucket say to the candy?
Hello sweet thing!
----> How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes!
----> What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house?
A spoo-key! You thought it would be a skeleton key, didn’t you?
----> What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Spook-ghetti!
----> What do dogs celebrate on October 31st?
Bow-wow-ween!
----> What do cats celebrate on October 31st?
Meow-loween!
----> Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too
heavy!
----> What is Dracula’s favorite drink?
Fang (tang)
I know, I know, it’s bad, and a bloody mary is a better answer, but that is too easy (and not kid friendly)
----> What kind of music do mummies listen too?
Wrap! (rap)
----> What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Boo-berries!
----> Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend!
----> Knock Knock -
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo-hoo
Why are
you crying?
----> Why did the bee go to the doctor?
Because he had hives!
----> Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
They don’t have any body to go out with!
----> How do you fix a jack o lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!
----> How do you tell if a vampire has a cold?
By his “coffin”!
----> What do you call a skeleton who won’t work?
Lazy bones!
----> What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!
----> What type of witch makes the best lunch?
A
sand-witch!
----> What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick
----> Why don’t monsters eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

Okie Guys

OKIE GUYS
Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger... She gasped and gagged, and one Okie turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Okie hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her
own.
The Okie sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

Hurricane

HURRICANE
The New Categories:
Category 1
"Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms by duct taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking your fist triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass storm at you.
Category 2
"Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children complain. Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property, as well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone else snaps it up.
Category
3
"Deeply Frightening. " Houses collapse, mobile homes cease to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs fart explosively, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase bottled water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're going to die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink it.
Category 4
"Holy Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air, walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland, entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire house with duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family and your farting dog in the basement with the bottled
water and bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to follow.
Category 5
"The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces, the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and swallows mankind whole. Planning: screw the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace with your god. Whomever He, She or It may be.

Marines

MARINES
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"X*#dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over
the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Think Like A Woman

THINK LIKE A WOMAN
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you
NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Resounding Noise

RESOUNDING NOISE
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"
So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!"

Little Johnny

LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door.
The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

Mine Collapse

MINE COLLAPSE
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer
and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Rabbi

RABBI
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in a naged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..."
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large red-head with enormous breasts. He
looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed.
There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?"
The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old."
"That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me ... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."
The rabbi said, with a certain
hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again."
"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it
necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."

Social Security Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Pregnancy Advice

PREGNANCY ADVICE
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea 'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.' 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians like Asif Ali Zardari, Asfandyar Wali, Altaf
Hussain come from?

Loud Sex

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Mute

MUTE
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can forget that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Tuesday, we continue with 'B'."

Breasts Full Of Water

BREASTS FULL OF WATER
"Doctor I think my breasts are filled with water."
"Water! How's that possible?"
"Whenever someone presses them my pussy gets wet."

Military

MILITARY
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed, a man approached them and said, "Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab."
The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone.
When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform, he invited them in. He said, "Boys, for serving our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters. You'll have to discuss
amongst yourselves who sleeps with which girl. And there's plenty of beer in the fridge."
The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said, "She's mine," and they went upstairs.
The second girl came down, prettier than the first. The jar head snatched her up and they, too, went upstairs.
The sailor waited for the last girl, sure that he would be getting the heifer of the group. To his delight, she came down and was the finest of them all.
The next morning, the farmer was cooking breakfast when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy said, "No, thank
you, sir. You've done enough already," and left.
The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boy's, but still acceptable. The farmer offered him
food, but he only drank coffee, thanked the farmer and left.
The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered and left without even a 'thank you.'
After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls down. Rubbing his hands together greedily, he said, "OK, girls, how did we do?"
The girl who had been with the airman said, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me $200!"
The girl who had been with the marine said, "He made love to me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150."
The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired and worn out, saying, "He made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!"

Used Pussy

USED PUSSY
A woman finally got divorced from a rather nasty and egotistical man. She then re-married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.
When her ex-husband happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like screwing a used pussy?"
"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

Blind Date

BLIND DATE
Mary: How did your blind date go the other night?
Jill: It was awful! He wanted to have a "menage a trois."
Mary: Oh, Dear!
Jill: "Oh, Dear" is right! The "trois" was inflatable!

Stuffed Lion

STUFFED LION
A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law. "
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My 'ex'-Mother- in-Law," replied the old man.

Oral Activity

ORAL ACTIVITY
The bar was getting ready to close, so John asked the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"
"That all depends," she quickly responded. "Your face, or mine?"

Golf Fanatic

GOLF FANATIC
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if
you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've
been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."
The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied. "

Worried To Death

WORRIED TO DEATH
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the woman, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The woman leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

From British Newspapers

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
* Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
* Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
* A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
*
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
* Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Just Had A Baby

JUST HAD A BABY
Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there [giggle]
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?
Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm.
Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"?
Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right?
Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.

A Man's Quest

A MAN'S QUEST
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now being older and much wiser....... I am just looking for for a girl with big tits

Plane Repairs

PLANE REPAIRS
After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them:
"Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

Barn Sex

BARN SEX
A couple was going at it in a barn down on the farm. In the process, the condom slipped off.
The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies, "It's a baby boy dressed in a little raincoat and a straw hat.

Tonsillectomy

TONSILLECTOMY
They were on their way to the hospital where their 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, they talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," she asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
"That's easy," he said. "They're going to give you a phone."

Post Office

POST OFFICE
A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day. He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even
better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"
The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

DVD

DVD
A couple had recently purchased the DVD from a movie that they and their best friends, Tom and Carol, had really wanted to see in the theater. Unfortunately, they had all missed it. So they invited the friends over to watch it.
Since Tom's mother (92 years old) lived with them, and being a bit leery of leaving her home alone, they brought her along. And so, after exchanging greetings, they put the DVD in the player and settled back to enjoy the movie.
It had been a long day/week for Tom, however, and they noticed that Tom kept nodding off. As his head dropped lower, it finally startled him awake.
He shook it off the first few times, but eventually turned to Carol and told her wife it was time to leave, as
his mother must be getting tired.
Grandma was indignant! She rapped him on the head, playfully, and pointed out to him who was REALLY tired.
Then she looked to their hosts and said, "My dears, next time you invite me, I'll be sure to leave the children at home."

Gym

GYM
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it.
"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this "Gym" have a last name?"

Understanding Women

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.
I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.
I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies never have pockets
where you need them.
Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.
Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.
I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.
Then the makeup --the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting
gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day" kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.
But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear. OK, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.
I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, hamhock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium bra."
I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.
The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideway s, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm! Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. >From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and
re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I
quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into
the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn--straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up f or examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced
the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.
I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again. I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

Word Teaser

WORD TEASER
This is no trick a very good puzzle....... figure it out before you peek.
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common.......
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess
Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up?
Give It Another Try....
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
Go back and look at them again; think hard.
Hope You Didn't Cheat.
SCROLL DOWN
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

Man Of The House

MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"
His wife replied, "The Funeral Director would be my guess."

The Store

THE STORE
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in
himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

Bird Flu

BIRD FLU
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

Health Question & Answer Session

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. !
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods
are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And
remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"