Mother In Law

MOTHER-IN-LAW
Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window.
Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing at the time?

Slept With Wife

SLEPT WITH WIFE
One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did."
"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

Hubby Screwing

HUBBY SCREWING
Jill brings her friend Betty home unexpectedly with her from shopping one day. They come upstairs to find her husband there and he is in bed screwing with another woman.
Betty is horrified but Jill turns calmly away from the doorway and says to Betty, "Let's go downstairs and have a cup of coffee."
Stunned, Betty numbly agrees, so they sit around the kitchen for the longest time, until finally Betty can't stand it anymore. "Good God, Jill," she blurts out, "what about that woman he is screwing upstairs?"
"Screw her," says Jill. "Let the bitch make her own fucking coffee!"

Mate Match

MATE MATCH
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM morning show in Charlottetown ,PEI.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular
game,however, several months ago made the Charlottetown City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?
First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill
me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it
at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(Touchtones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is
she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on
us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex?
Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure shes trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ:
"What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

Two Babies

TWO BABIES
Two little babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

What's Wrong

WHAT'S WRONG
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, They don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you'."
"Well don't feel bad." he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Examined

EXAMINED
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

US Taxes

US TAXES
* Accounts Receivable Tax
* Building Permit Tax
* Capital Gains Tax
* CDL license Tax
* Cigarette Tax
* Corporate Income Tax
* Court Fines (indirect taxes)
* Dog License Tax
* Federal Income Tax
* Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
* Fishing License Tax
* Food License Tax
* Fuel permit tax
* Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
* Hunting License Tax
* Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
* Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of
tax)
* IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
* Liquor Tax
* Local Income Tax
* Luxury Taxes
* Marriage License Tax
* Medicare Tax
* Property Tax
* Real Estate Tax
* Septic Permit Tax
* Service Charge Taxes
* Social Security Tax
* Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
* Sales Taxes
* Recreational Vehicle Tax
* Road Toll Booth Taxes
* School Tax
* State Income Tax
* State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
* Telephone federal excise tax
* Telephone federal universal service fee tax
* Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
* Telephone
minimum usage surcharge tax
* Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
* Telephone state and local tax
* Telephone usage charge tax
* Toll Bridge Taxes
* Toll Tunnel Taxes
* Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
* Trailer Registration Tax
* Utility Taxes
* Vehicle License Registration Tax
* Vehicle Sales Tax
* Watercraft Registration Tax
* Well Permit Tax
* Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and American nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the heck happened ?

Cartoons

CARTOONS
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz:
* Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.
* Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
* Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
* Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
* Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.
* Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
* Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What
do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.

Things Stressed Women Might Say At Work

THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MIGHT SAY AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of
intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
15. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
16. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and disorder. . . my work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes! and no.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
27. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
28. Look in my eyes.....Do you see one ounce of give-a-shit?

Fifty Fifty's Firsts

FIFTY FIFTY'S FIRSTS
These items were originally introduced in the 1950s
1. Television Remote Control
2. Sugar Pops
3. Walt Disney's "Cinderella"
4. Silly Putty
5. Smokey the Bear
6. Minute Rice
7. Dunkin' Donuts
8. Xerox Copier Machines
9. Diner's Club Credit Card
10. Telephone Answering Machine
11. First Computer... Univac
12. Super Glue
13. Power Steering
14. Heart-Lung Machine
15. Built-In Flash on Camera
16. Mr. Potato
Head
17. Transistor Radio
18. Radial Tires
19. Musical Synthesizer
20. "3-D" Movies
21. DNA Discoveries
22. Contact Paper
23. Polio Vaccine
24. Instant Tea (Iced)
25. Saran Wrap
26. Sports Illustrated Magazine
27. Color Television
28. McDonald's Restaurant
29. Burger King Restaurant
30. Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant
31. M & M Peanut Candy
32. Butterball Self-Basting Turkey
33. "Lord of the Rings" published
34. Nautilus Nuclear-Powered Submarine
35. TV Dinners
36. Play-Doh
37. First Kidney Transplant
38.
Barbie Dolls
39. Non-Stick Teflon Pans
40. Solar Cell Invention
41. Optic Fiber
42. Microwave Ovens
43. Hovercraft
44. Liquid Paper
45. Velcro
46. AA-Size Eveready Batteries
47. LASER beam
48. Hula Hoops
49. Integrated Circuit Boards
50. Ski-Doo Snowmobiles
51. Military takeovers in Pakistan
52. Law of NECESSITY
Isn't this amazing?

Yo Mama Jokes

YO MAMA JOKES
* Yo mama's so ugly: she has to get the baby drunk to breast feed it.
* Yo mama's so ugly: she has to trick or treat over the phone.
* Yo mama's so ugly: she hurt my feelings.
* Yo mama's so ugly: she looked out the window and the police fined her for mooning.
* Yo mama's so ugly: she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.
* Yo mama's so stupid: when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
* Yo mama's so stupid: when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey; they spelled Macy's
wrong."
* Yo mama's so stupid: when she went to take the 44 bus; she took the 22 twice instead.
* Yo mama's so stupid: when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries; she said "Hey Boss; all the small one's are gone."
* Yo mama's so stupid when someone said "Take the trash out;": she moved.
* Yo mama's so old: she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
* Yo mama's so old: she has all the apostles in her black book.
* Yo mama's so old: she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers.
* Yo mama's so old: she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
* Yo mama's so old: she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.
* Yo mama's so nasty:
when I went to your house said what's for dinner; yo mama jumped up on the table; spread her legs; and said "crabs!"
* Yo mama's so nasty: when I went to your house said what's for dinner; yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"
* Yo mama's so nasty: when she did the splits; she stuck to the floor.
* Yo mama's so nasty: her tits give sour milk.
* Yo mama's so nasty: I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
* Yo mama's so fat: when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted; she said the one on the roof.
* Yo mama's so fat: when the police showed her a picture of her feet; she couldn't identify them.
* Yo mama's so fat: when yo father fell in love with her he got
lost.
* Yo mama's so fat: when your father mounts her; his ears pop.
* Yo mama's so fat: Yo father didn't know whether to fuck her or take the burro ride down.

Honest Mistake

HONEST MISTAKE
Jill: It was an honest mistake, John. I said I was sorry. If I get down on my knees, will you forgive me?
John: If you get down on your knees, I'll forgive, forget, and won't care if you do it again!

Feet On Furniture

FEET ON FURNITURE
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?", the officer demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."

Business Sign

BUSINESS SIGN
Business Sign in the Window: "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business. and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement.
We are a society, which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what
kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home. (Who said morticians had no sense of humor)

Losing Mind

LOSING MIND
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

What Kind Of Car Do You Drive

WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
A man asks a woman out on a date after meeting her in a bar.
She says, "What kind of car do you drive?"
He replies " A VW Bug."
She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!"
He replies, "Don't worry, I'm not going to screw you with the car."

Blonde's Year In Review

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW
* January -
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
* February -
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... "duh"....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
* March -
Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ..... box said "2-4 years!"
* April -
Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
* May -
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
* June -
Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
* July -
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
* August -
Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
* September -
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
* October -
Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
* November -
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
* December -
Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year

Nationalities

NATIONALITIES
A three-year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:
The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for their TV's.
The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.
The French are most likely to give their keyboards to the Germans without a struggle.

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out Of Sex

TOP 10 REASONS FOR GETTING OUT OF SEX
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You
still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

Divorce

DIVORCE
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?"
"I'm 45 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful. It's written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you're almost 65."
"But your Honor," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call
that living?" replied Sadie.

New Business

NEW BUSINESS
These three men went into business together and the first one said:
"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but
what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."

Resurrection Of Jesus

RESURRECTION OF JESUS
A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"
The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.
The hand of one little girl shot up. "I bet I know what He said! He probably said, 'Ta-dah!'"

The Pigeon Plague

THE PIGEON PLAGUE
The Nazim of Rawalpindi was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Rawalpindi.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Rawalpindi was full of pigeon poop, the people of Rawalpindi could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Nazim a proposition: "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
"But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me ten million rupees to ask one question."
The Nazim considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a green pigeon. The green pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue sky. All the pigeons in Rawalpindi saw the green pigeon and gathered up behind the green pigeon. The Rawalpindi pigeons followed the green pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the green pigeon returned completely alone to the man, who was waiting atop City Hall.
The Nazim was very impressed. He thought the man and the green pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Rawalpindi of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the Nazim presented him with a check for 10 million rupees and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 10 million just to get to ask ONE
question.
The man accepted the money and told the Nazim to ask his question.
Do you think he is going to ask where the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to asked where he got the green pigeon?
Noooooooo ! This will get a smile out of you!
V
V
V
V
The Nazim asked: "Do you have a green Soldier?"

PIA Flight

PIA FLIGHT
A LADY was flying from Karachi to Islamabad. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Lahore along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Maria, we are in Lahore for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

New Secretary

NEW SECRETARY
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang. "You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

The Story Of Two Cows

THE STORY OF TWO COWS
----> DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.
----> QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first
place.
----> SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The there were two options for milking cows. One is to have the cow on one side of a curtain and an Indian guy milking the cow from the other side of the curtain, or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.
----> BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot carrying Iranian flags and screaming death to the Gov't . The Parliament, after thinking it over for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk each cow, all at the same time, so cutting back on unemployment.
----> LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two
cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.
----> EGYPTIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!
----> PAKISTANI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is being milked by Army, while the other one is being allotted to some retired General.
----> AMERICAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
----> FRENCH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.
----> RUSSIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you still have 2 cows. So you
stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
----> BRITISH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
----> AUSTRALIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You give one to the Americans and one to the British and you go back to shagging sheep!

Dictionary Of Chav Slang

DICTIONARY OF CHAV SLANG
* AEROPLANE BLONDE:
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* AUSSIE KISS:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* BADLY PACKED KEBAB:
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for some less-attractive female genitalia.
* BEER COAT:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a Booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
* BEER COMPASS:
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home After a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come
from.
* BOBFOC:
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
* BREAKING THE SEAL:
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* BRITNEY SPEARS:
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
* BRUCE LEE:
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
* BUDGIE'S TONGUE:
The female erection.
* DRINK-LINK:
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
* ETCH-A-SKETCH:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by
twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
* GOING FOR A McPoo:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McPoo with Lies.
* GREYHOUND:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT:
A vigorous masturbation session.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS:
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES:
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH:
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
* MUMBLER:
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can See the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
* MYSTERY BUS:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet, just after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back.
* MYSTERY TAXI:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* NELSON MANDELA :
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
* PICASSO ARSE:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
* SALAD DODGER:
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SSSSSSSSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
* STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT:
A homosexual.
* SWAMP-DONKEY:
A deeply unattractive woman.
* TART FUEL:
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
* TITANIC:
A lady who goes down first time out.
* TODGER DODGER:
A
lesbian.
* UP ON BLOCKS :
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
* WYNONA RYDER:
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

Double D

DOUBLE D
A generously endowed young lady at college often got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy.
At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink.
"Diet soda, please," she replied.
"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.
The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."

New Cities

NEW CITIES
Some cool names for new cities
----> Shapeless, Mass.
----> Oola, La
----> Goodness, Me
----> Income, Tex.
----> Deathly, Ill.
----> Hittor, Miss.
----> Praise, Ala.
----> Coco, Colo.
----> Proan, Conn.
----> Farmerina, Del.
----> Inert, Mass.
----> Hezmakinizetime, Pa.
----> Ca, Ca

New & Improved Gong Show

NEW & IMPROVED GONG SHOW
Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got
sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Billy, "he crapped in my pants, too....!!"
He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing a gong.

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish................................49.
* Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic...............................No breasts.
* Average looking....................Moooo.
* Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure................On medication.
* Feminist................................Fat.
* Free spirit............................Junkie.
* Friendship first......................Former slut.
* New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
*
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
* Open-minded.......................Desperate.
* Outgoing..........................Loud and Embarrassing.
* Professional..........................Bitch.
* Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
* Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
* Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

Men's English

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Women's English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Gym Shorts

GYM SHORTS
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground.
They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so therightful owner could claim them.
The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..."
"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts."
"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!"
The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no.... Definitely girls gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing.
"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!",
"Definitely boys shorts!"..... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument.
The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts!.........but not from my parish!"

Bad For Legs

BAD FOR LEGS
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"

Burning Building

BURNING BUILDING
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

Examination

EXAMINATION
The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"
The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."

Love Letter of HR EXECUTIVE

LOVE LETTER OF HR EXECUTIVE
Here is a letter written by a HR executive to his love:
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of October at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and
entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Romeo

Police Work

POLICE WORK
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Kaun Banay Ga Crore Pati

KAUN BANAY GA CRORE PATI
Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..
Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.
Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan
ON Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Azharuddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .
Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)
But Santa is still confused.
Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.
Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.
Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?
Santa : I would like to use 50:50?
Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Azharuddin.
Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.
Now Santa is confused.
Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..
Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?
Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."
Amitabh Fainted !!!!!
And the call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......
Santa asked the question to Jaya. Santa : " Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan ?

Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

Good Bye

GOOD BYE
Nadine: I've discovered the origin of the word "good-bye."
Jill: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Nadine: Many years ago, some husband said to his wife, "I'm leaving you!" The wife said, "Good! Bye!"

Charles And Pope

CHARLES AND POPE
YEAR: 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
** In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope!!**

Learn Chinese

LEARN CHINESE
1. Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
2. See me A.S.A.P.: Kum Hia Nao
3. Stupid Man: Dum Gai
4. Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
5. Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?
6. I bumped into a coffee table.: Ai Bang Mai Ni
7. I think you need a facelift.: Chin Tu Fat
8. It's very dark in here.: Wai So Dim?
9. Has your flight been delayed?: Hao Long Wei Ting?
10. That was an unauthorized execution.: Lin Ching
11. I thought you were on a diet.: Wai
Yu Mun Ching?
12. This is a tow away zone.: No Pah King
13. Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
14. You are not very bright.: Yu So Dum
15. I got this for free.: Ai No Pei
16. I am not guilty.: Wai Hang Mi?
17. Please, stay a while longer.: Wai Go Nao?
18. Our meeting was scheduled for next week.: Wai Yu Kum Nao
19. They have arrived.: Hia Dei Kum
20. Stay out of sight.: Lei Lo
21. He's cleaning his automobile.: Wa Shing Ka
22. Your body odor is offensive.: Yu Stin Ki Pu

Picking Up Wife

PICKING UP WIFE
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" -and- "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.
Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" -and- "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

S.H.I.T

S.H.I.T Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T
" , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

Polish Man

POLISH MAN
A man from Poland goes to the optometrist who shows the Pole a card with the letters, C Z W X N Q S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.
"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

Nicer Approach

NICER APPROACH
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of
berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It`s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting
in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Sex Trivia

SEX TRIVIA
---> Sex is a natural antihistamine.
---> "Endytophilia" is the desire to keep one's clothes on during sex.
---> Sweden made bestiality legal in 1944.
---> Some fish practice fellatio.
---> In ancient Babylon, eating the heart of a male partridge was the cure for impotence.
---> Female hyenas have more testosterone in their bodies than most male hyenas. As a result, females have "masculinized genitalia," which means a female's clitoris is enlarged and resembles a penis.
---> Hamsters can have sex 75 times a day.
---> Surveys show 56% of workers have had sex at
work.
---> Otters can get herpes.
---> According to a Kinsey survey, 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes of penetration.
---> "Telephonicophilia" is the technical name of arousal derived from phone sex.
---> An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
---> Forty percent of women experience nocturnal orgasms

A Blackman, A Mexican And A White Man

A BLACKMAN, A MEXICAN AND A WHITE MAN
There's a black man, a Mexican man, and a white man walking along a beach when they find a lamp. They rub the lamp, a genie comes out, and he says I’ll grant each one of you a wish.
The black man says, "I wish that all my black brothers could be sent back to Africa to live a happy life." The genie says, "Poof" and all the black people are sent back to Africa.
The Mexican man says, "I wish that all my Mexican brothers could be sent back to Mexico to live a happy life." The genie says, "Poof" and all the Mexican people are sent back to Mexico.
Then the genie turns to the white man and says, "What do you wish for?"
The white man says, "you mean to
tell me that all the blacks and Mexicans are out of the country?"
The genie says, "yes."
"I'll have a coke then."

Dates

DATES
Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.
One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".
"Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred and eighty dollar tip."

Fruit

FRUIT
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. "Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks.
"No,
Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

New York Bartenders

NEW YORK BARTENDERS
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
----> Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
----> Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
----> Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she
wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
----> Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
----> Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
----> Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the join t. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make
her mad!
----> Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
----> The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
----> Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
----> Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
----> Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
----> Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
----> Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
----> White Zinfandel: He's gay

Name

NAME
Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."
Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."
Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"
Her: "Lu."

Lamp

LAMP
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

Change Prescription

CHANGE PRESCRIPTION
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

Womanizer

WOMANIZER
Bob was such a womanizer. Everywhere he went, he was always hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a department store one afternoon and was attracted to one of the saleswomen and proceeded to see if she would go out with him that evening.
She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can take me for drinks, and then try to get me back to your apartment, and then get me in to your bed. I can read you like a book."
Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don't miss Chapter 5, it's a doozie."

Super Powers

SUPER POWERS
Superman decides to go out on the town one evening - flies over to the bat cave and asks Batman out for a beer.
Batman replies: "Sorry, I can't come out tonight - the bat mobile is broken down, I have to fix it to fight crime tomorrow".
Superman takes off and flies over to Spiderman to see if he wants to go out for a beer.
Spiderman says: "No thanks, the web is not shooting properly, I have to fix it to fight crime tomorrow."
Superman then decides to fly over to Wonder-woman's. He arrives to find Wonder-woman on her roof completely naked on her back. Superman thinks to himself that he could fly down there quicker than the speed of light, do his business and fly away before
she realizes what has happened.
So he flies down, does his business and takes off.
Wonder woman says: "what the hell was that?" and then the Invisible man says: "I don't know, but my butt is surely burning!"

Two Elderly People

TWO ELDERLY PEOPLE
This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida.
He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening and! spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, " Will you marry me? "
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The
meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, " When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'? "
" Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart. "
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart
skip a beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me."

Pancakes

PANCAKES
A man takes his little son out to breakfast to celebrate the boy's tenth birthday. When the waitress comes around the old man orders a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, hash-browns...the works. He turns to his son and smiles proudly. "Order anything you want, son. Anything at all."
The pretty waitress looks at the birthday boy. "And what will you have,"she asks sweetly.
The boy sits up straight and grins ear to ear. "Give me the fuckin' pancakes," he says in a loud voice.
The father is stunned, he turns and slaps the boy across the head and glares at him. "Now, you give this nice lady your order," the father says, frowning heavily.
The waitress forces a smile. "What will you
have?"
Again, the boy sits up straight, he clears his throat. "I said I want the fuckin' pancakes!"
The father whirls around and knocks the boy right off the chair. "Get your arse up now and you order the right way...or else!"
The unnerved waitress fumbles with her notepad. "What do you want to eat, honey," she asks.
The boy crawls back on to his chair and he stares up at the pretty waitress. He takes a deep breath and says, "I don't care any more, just as long as it's not those fuckin' pancakes!"

10 Comandments Of Marriage

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE...
o---> Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
o---> Commandment 2:
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
o---> Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand. ( OR MORE!! )
o---> Commandment 4:
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
o--->
Commandment 5:
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
o---> Commandment 6:
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
o---> Commandment 7:
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
o---> Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
o---> Commandment 9:
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
o---> Commandment 10:
A man is
incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bottles Of Tonic

BOTTLES OF TONIC
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price.
"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so
we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them."
He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working."
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure
everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

Air Traffic Control

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now--- ya hear!

Bikers Club

BIKERS CLUB
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the
table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

AnswerPhone

ANSWERPHONE
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."

Save It Until Married

SAVE IT UNTIL MARRIED
One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

Anniversary

ANNIVERSARY
In a stationery store, Mike quickly picked out a card for his wife for their anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took him, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.
Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."

Lowered

LOWERED
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

Condoms

CONDOMS
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
She responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

Sex Lives

SEX LIVES
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Gynaecologist

GYNAECOLOGIST
One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynaecologist yet!"
"My gynaecologist is fine. I don't need to change."
"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynaecologist is so old!"
The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

Murphy's Technology Laws

MURPHY'S TECHNOLOGY LAWS
* You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
* Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
* Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
* Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
* If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
*
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
* An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench
has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
* All great discoveries are made by mistake.
* Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
* All's well that ends.
* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
* The first myth of management is that it exists.
* A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
* New systems generate new problems.
* To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
* We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
* Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
* The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and
impossible for the serviceman.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
* Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
* A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
* If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
* Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
* Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
* If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
* The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
* In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
* Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
* All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
* The only perfect science is hind-sight.
* Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
* If it's
not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* When all else fails, read the instructions.
* If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
* Everything that goes up must come down.
* Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
* Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
* The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
* Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Jewish Lady

JEWISH LADY
A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me
live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!"
A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"

Gorgeous New Man

GORGEOUS NEW MAN
Nadine: I've decided to throw myself at that gorgeous new man at the health club.
Jill: Hmmm, I heard that he prefers women who play hard to get.
Nadine: Honey, I'm not playing. I mean business.

Titanic & Clinton

TITANIC & CLINTON
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
----> Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
----> Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
----> Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
----> Titanic: Jack is a starving
artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
----> Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
----> Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
----> Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
----> Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
----> Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
----> Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
----> Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy
death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

Guilty Drinker

GUILTY DRINKER
Sometimes, during a booze-filled weekend, I get to feeling kinda ashamed about all the beer I drink. Then I look deeply into my glass and I start thinking about the workers in the brewery, and about all their hopes and dreams.
"If I didn't drink this beer," I think, "those poor people might be out of work, and all their dreams would be shattered. "
So I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to selfishly sit here and worry about my liver."

Dallas District Court

DALLAS DISTRICT COURT
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

The Cat Has Died

THE CAT HAS DIED
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.
The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion and quickly got back with appropriate fillers. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs
pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where you ran over it on the way to the store."

Old Woman In Bar

OLD WOMAN IN BAR
An old man went to the local bar, approached a very pretty, very young woman and asked, "Where have you been all my life?"
She gave him a raised eyebrow of disapproval and replied, "For the first half of it, I
wasn't born yet."

Divorced Man

DIVORCED MAN
A recently divorced man went to a party and found himself smack in front of his ex-wife's new husband. Having had more than a few drinks, he said in a condescending tone, "So? How do you like 'second hand merchandise?'
The other man smiled. "Not bad at all. Everything after the first couple of inches is brand new!"

Navy Husband

NAVY HUSBAND
A husband had just arrived home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband closed the front door and immediately he and his wife were furiously making love upstairs when, suddenly, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband said jokingly, "Oh God! NO! That must be your husband coming home."
And the wife replies without thinking, "No, don't worry. He's off in the Navy for six months."

Waterbed

WATERBED
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands. "My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."

Old Family Bible

OLD FAMILY BIBLE
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

Love Making Tips For Seniors

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses; double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know
with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Message From Duke Of Wellington

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON
Written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for,
with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my
ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance...
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington

Top 10 Swimming Pool Pickup Lines

TOP 10 SWIMMING POOL PICKUP LINES
10 "I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
9 "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
8 "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
7 "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
6 "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
5 "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
4 "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
3 "Now how'd you
manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
2 "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep-end-of-the-pool club?"
and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...
1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."

Irishmen

IRISHMEN
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written
on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

New Shiny Watch

NEW SHINY WATCH
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his
parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father

Instrument

INSTRUMENT
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the ! 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

Bangkok

BANGKOK
In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.
At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.
Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honered to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the
inner center circle.
Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.
Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.
And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

Someone Under Bed

SOMEONE UNDER BED
Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?
"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.
"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."
"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.
And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."
He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.
"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."
"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"
And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."

Very Short Book Lists

VERY SHORT BOOK LISTS
----> Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
----> A Guide to Arab Democracies
----> Career Opportunities for History Majors
----> Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
----> French Hospitality
----> Popular Lawyers
----> The Amish Phone Book
----> Everything Men Know About Women

Attractive

ATTRACTIVE
"Darling," seductively sighed the fashion model, "if I didn't wear all these beautiful clothes, would you still think me attractive?"
He smiled and replied, "Test me."

American Government

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT
Another example of American government at work????
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack??
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched outatop a desk in the oval office??
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her
first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign??
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wifewhile he was engaged to someone else??
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary??
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them??
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet??
11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e.numerous) than the President's??
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named
Jumbo??
Answers:
1. John F. Kennedy
2 Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

Rules Of Housekeeping For 2007

RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING FOR 2007
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of "5" and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And
spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself into a chair, and sigh.

Play Golf

PLAY GOLF
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

Extinct

EXTINCT
A 6 year old was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant.
"Well," she said, in all seriousness, "It means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore, and that's why they call them 'exstinkt'."

The Wedding

THE WEDDING
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Parents Nasty Divorce

PARENTS NASTY DIVORCE
Amy's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
A few days before the wedding, Amy's mother showed her the new dress she had bought for the wedding. It was the PERFECT dress to wear and she was sure to be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever!
The next day, however, Amy was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Amy went to her and asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Amy told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll just get
another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and she found another dress. When they stopped for lunch, Amy asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Amy's mom just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

Champagne

CHAMPAGNE
Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, “Can I get you a drink?
The girl replies; “Certainly”
Carl asks: “What would you like?”
The girl says, “Champagne.”
Carl says “Why Champagne?”
The girl says, “Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth.”
Curious Carl asks, “What if I just buy you a draft beer?”
The girl replies, “I’ll cut wet farts all night.”

Fart

FART
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.
The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

Case Of Syphilis

CASE OF SYPHILIS
"Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I think you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."
"Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."

After Date

AFTER DATE
Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.
The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Not Cocked

NOT COCKED
An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking fifteen pints of beer and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.
Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn't fully cocked. Now he isn't, either.

Bush Considering

BUSH CONSIDERING
Just hours after the release of al Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden’s latest video message inviting all Americans to convert to Islam, U.S. President George said he would “seriously consider the offer, because it sure would simplify the war in Iraq.”
“If I convert to Islam and order all of our troops to do the same,” said Mr. Bush, “we can stay in Iraq indefinitely, drop the restrictive rules of engagement, save a lot of money by using cheap, unguided bombs, clear neighborhoods flat out, blow up mosques with impunity and still go to heaven — not to mention that I’d get more favorable coverage from the U.S. news media.”
The president added that he might convert to Islam just to “find out what it’s like to be a man who wears a dress and a bonnet and dyes his hair like a
girl.”