Inoffensive Nicknames For Breasts

INOFFENSIVE NICKNAMES FOR BREASTS

1) Chest Trays

2) NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

3) Pastor Baiters

4) Mounds of Shame

5) Heavenly Canteens

6) Pearly Weights

7) Hooteronomies

8) Pizza Pizza

9) Sweater Undulations

10) The Daughters of Lactiticus

11) Racks of Lambs of God

12) Communion Woofers

13) First and Second Mammalonians

14) Pamela's Burdens

15) Beelzeboobs

People Really Said These Things In Court

PEOPLE REALLY SAID THESE THINGS IN COURT

---> Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

---> Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

---> Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

---> Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

---> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

---> Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

---> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

---> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

---> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

---> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---> Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

---> Q: Did he kill you?

---> Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

---> Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

---> Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

---> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---> Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

---> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

---> Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

---> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---> Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Stupid Instructions

STUPID INSTRUCTIONS

* "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
* "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
* "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
* "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
* "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
* "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
* "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
* "Not to be used as a personal flotation
device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
* "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
* "Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
* "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
* "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
* "For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
* "Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
* "Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
* "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

A Sweet Ass Story

A SWEET ASS STORY

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Brazil Vs Scotland

BRAZIL VS SCOTLAND

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum."What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shit and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

"Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)".

He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium: Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1(Angus McSh*t 89minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!

Got Even

GOT EVEN

The twelve year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied,"But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily.

"There'll be a lot of noise starting at eight o'clock."

Centipede

CENTIPEDE

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you liketo go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
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YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

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A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

Stuck Tooth

STUCK TOOTH

Terribly agitated, Jack rushed into his dentist's examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his pecker

"Jack, Jack," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."

"It's not V.D.," gasped Jack, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth stuck in it."

I Want To Be A Bear

I WANT TO BE A BEAR

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the sizeof walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup......I want to be a bear!

Son Of A Former President

SON OF A FORMER PRESIDENT

Former President Ronald Reagan's son, Ron Reagan Jr., has attacked President Bush saying he made a terrible mistake in Iraq.

President Bush is furious! He said, 'What does the son of a former President know about

Iraq?!'

Intelligence

INTELLIGENCE

There are two idiots who work down in a dark mine while everyone else worked up in the light.

One day the first idiot asked the other idiot "Why do we work down here in the dark and everyone else works up in the light?"

The second idiot replies, "I dunno, why?"

"I'll go find out" said the first idiot.

So the first idiot went up to the light and the first person he cam to he asked, "Why do we work down in the dark while you get to work up here in the light?"

The guy said, "Because we have something called intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" asked the idiot.

The guy went over to a wall and put his hand flat upon the surface and said "Try and hit my hand."

"You sure?" asked the idiot.

"Just hit it" said the man.

"Okay, but it's really gonna hurt" the idiot said, making a fist with his hand and swinging it at the guy's hand.

Just before the idiot hit the guy's hand, the guy took his hand away and the idiot hit the wall instead.

As the idiot was shaking off the pain, the guy said, "That's intelligence."

So the first idiot went back down to his friend.

The second idiot asked, "So, why do we have to work down here in the dark and they get to work up there in the light?"

"Because they have something called intelligence" explained the first idiot.

"What's intelligence?" asked the second idiot.

The first idiot looked around but it was too dark to see a wall.

So he put his hand flat on his face, and said, "Try and hit my hand."

Old Peoples Party Games

OLD PEOPLES PARTY GAMES

1. Sag - You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc, Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Hide and Go Sleep

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical Wheelchairs

A Woman's Random Thoughts

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

18 If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

How Business Is Done

HOW BUSINESS IS DONE

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

Child Support Forms

CHILD SUPPORT FORMS

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. (???)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window
when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

AND THE WINNER!!!!!:

You really have to love it when a complex problem gets reduced to easy to understand philosophical thinking such as this.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

At The Hospital

AT THE HOSPITAL

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Two For The Pearly Gates

TWO FOR THE PEARLY GATES

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman- "I froze to death."

Second woman- "You froze to death-how horrible!"

First woman-"Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman-"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman-"So what happened?"

Second woman-"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."

Measures

MEASURES

"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy.

"How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures." Wendy replied.

"Well, did you really take measures, Wendy?"

"Yes! that's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

Broom Factory

BROOM FACTORY

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office. "I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

Pissed Off And Pissed On

PISSED OFF AND PISSED ON

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head."

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me."

"Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

Barbecue

BARBECUE

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

To A Movie

TO A MOVIE

2 penis went to see a movie.

One said to another, "I hope its not a sexy movie, otherwise we will have to stand for 3 hrs!!!!

Getting The Job Done

GETTING THE JOB DONE

Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday", Buddy!!!!

Style

STYLE

Today, the STYLE is: small car, small watches, small skirts & small mobile phones.

Sometime soon a small penis will be in style, and then YOU will be "A STYLISH MAN".

Stay

STAY

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Chapped Lips

CHAPPED LIPS

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

“Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Poor End Of Trade

POOR END OF TRADE

Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind.

As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride. In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now."

The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off."

Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."

River Walk

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Warnings

WARNINGS

* A flushable toliet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

* An electric hand blender used to blend, whip, chop and dice advises purchasers: "Never remove food from blades while the product is operating."

* A popular scooter for children cautions: "This product moves when used."

* This warning was discovered on a thermometer used to take a person's temperature: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

Mars Spectacular

MARS SPECTACULAR!

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification.

Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m.and reach its azimuth at about 3 A.M.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.

Share this with your children and grandchildren. NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN

Untouched Virgin

UNTOUCHED VIRGIN

A female aquaintence of mine had tired of playing the club/dating scene and after deciding to find some financially suitable and physically presentable gent to settle down with, that presented all the correct hair, skn and eye coloring, was the right height and weight and oder for her planned assault in producing offspring to cement, she thought, her future financial security. she was very surprised to find a candidate so quickly.

The one hang up to her plan was the victim was a product of a small southern bible college and being a bit naive, wanted a world class beauty, well educated, street wise, untouched virgin bride to marry.

Since she had thrown off all bounds of virginity way back in high school to seek out the hidden mysterious passions reputed to be associated with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get.

But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities.

The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse.

So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !"

After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there.

Then she asked him how he did it.

He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together."

Ass Study

ASS STUDY

There is a new study just released by the Pakistan Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Darwin Awards 2005

DARWIN AWARDS 2005

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leavingthe $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Posted At A Local Golf Club

POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB...

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off

In Flight Safety Lecture

IN-FLIGHT SAFETY LECTURE

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the, "In-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot... "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loud-speaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more, than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain had really fought to get the plane down. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"

"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Advertising Terms

ADVERTISING TERMS

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

* NEW
Different color from previous design.

* ALL NEW
Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

* ADVANCED DESIGN
The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

* EXCLUSIVE
Imported product.

* UNMATCHED
Almost as good as the competition.

* FOOLPROOF OPERATION
No provision for adjustments.

* IT'S HERE AT LAST
Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

* FIELD TESTED
Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

* HIGH ACCURACY
Unit on which all parts fit.

* FUTURISTIC
No other reason why it looks the way it does.

* REDESIGNED
Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

* DIRECT SALES ONLY
Factory had a big argument with distributor.

* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
We finally got one to work.

* BREAKTHROUGH
We finally figured out a use for it.

* MAINTENANCE FREE
Impossible to fix.

* MEETS ALL STANDARDS
Ours, not yours.

* SOLID-STATE
Heavy as anything

* HIGH RELIABILITY
We made it work long enough to ship it.

Travel Agent Terms

TRAVEL AGENT TERMS

* Old world charm
Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

* Tropical
Rainy.

* Majestic setting
A long way from town, at end of dirt road.

* Options galore
Nothing is included in the price.

* Secluded hideaway
Directions to locate unclear.

* Some budget rooms
Sorry, already occupied.

* Explore on your own
At your own expense.

* Romantic
No Phone in room

* Knowledgeable trip hosts
They've flown in an airplane before.

* No extra fees
No extras available.

* Bird Watchers Paradise
Your car's paint will never be the same

* Nominal fee
Outrageous charge.

* Standard
Sub-standard.

* Deluxe
Barely Standard.

* Superior accommodations
One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

* All the amenities
Two chocolates, two shower caps.

* Just Like Home
No Maid service.

* Plush
Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

* Gentle breezes
In hurricane alley.

* Light and airy
No air conditioning.

* Picturesque
Theme park nearby.

* 24-hour bar
Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

Medical Tests

MEDICAL TESTS

There was this guy who was sick, so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.

The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.

"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"He needs a pair of your underwear".

The 25 AOL Commandments

THE 25 AOL COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shall love thy ISP with all thy heart and all thy bytes.

2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.

3. Thou shalt only call an ISP two times a day.

4. Honour thy SysAdm and Webmaster.

5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.

6. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.

7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.

8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly whenever possible.

9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.

10. Thou shalt help other users.

11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

12. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.

13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy ISP, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

14. Thou shalt not post spam.

15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.

17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy key-board and burn out thy central processing chip.

18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to an ISP, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all ISPs will be thus denied forever and ever.

19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the ISP's rules.

20. Thou shalt observe ISP time limits.

21. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the ISP instructions.

23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the ISP.

24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws and regulations affecting ISP telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.

25. Thou shalt not hack.

Cut Off Finger

CUT OFF FINGER

One day while a man was working he cut off the end of his finger while panicking he calls his wife and says, "Honey, I need to go to the hospital. I cut off my finger."

The wife replies "Your whole finger?"

The man replies "No, the one next to it."

Blonde Mother

BLONDE MOTHER

There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby. Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.

She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."

Newly Weds

NEWLY WEDS

A newly-married couple went to a family picnic at the husband's parent's house, and the new wife was doing her best to learn the names of brothers, sisters, cousins, and all of the associated wives, husbands and children.

However, there was one guy there that she just couldn't keep straight in her mind, no matter what she tried. Finally, he bailed her out telling her his name was Dick.

"Of course!" she said quickly, without thinking. "How could I ever forget? You even LOOK like a Dick!"

Rs 500 An Hour

Rs 500 AN HOUR

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated,to find his 5-year- old son waiting for him at the door.

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"

Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"

Son: "Dad, how much do you earn in an hour"

Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing? " that man said angrily

Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you earn in an hour? "

Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"

Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said, Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"

His father was furious, "if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed.

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down,and started to think: May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!" The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man,

It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for"

The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh ! thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.

The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little ! boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father. Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"

The moral of this story:

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.

We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family and friends.

Italian Immigrant

ITALIAN IMMIGRANT

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. Now that he is wealthy he decides to have a huge house designed and built for him... And it is going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Make a you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor assumes his client is very religious and carefully plans a niche in every room. He even personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues!"

The contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I wanna da halo statues! You knowa da halo statues es? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, 'halo, stat you?'"

Little Johnny And New House

LITTLE JOHNNY AND NEW HOUSE

When Little Johnny's family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

New Pastor

NEW PASTOR

The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for the congregation.

Seeing them rise, Pastor Michel, not remembering the names of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their committee for praise.

"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in the rear."

Why Me

WHY ME

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed : "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?

To this Arthur Ashe replied:

The world over --

5 crore children start playing tennis,

50 lakh learn to play tennis,

5 lakh learn professional tennis,

50,000 come to the circuit,

5000 reach the grand slam,

50 reach Wimbeldon,

4 to semi final,

2 to the finals,

When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?".

And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

Be thankful to GOD for 98% of good things in life

Blonde Driving Test

BLONDE DRIVING TEST

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. She asks, "Now what?"

Grade School Papers

GRADE SCHOOL PAPERS

A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Amazing Family Tradition

AMAZING FAMILY TRADITION

Jermain had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great grand-father had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Jermain's 21st came around, he and his pal Dwight took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Jermain stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned.

Dwight managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Jermain went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Jermain's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July.

Biting Nails

BITING NAILS

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

New Employment Conditions

NEW EMPLOYMENT CONDITIONS

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.

Have a nice day.

Human Resources Department

Diet Workshop

DIET WORKSHOP

Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out.

She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.

Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"

Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"

Not Your Business

NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK,' the guy said. 'How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you're making a living out of it."

Seenus

SEENUS

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said,"I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis".

The third man said, "I died of seenus".

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Going To Hell

GOING TO HELL

The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found Himself at the gates of Hell.

"Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly.

"Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."

There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire.

"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."

The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of People slaving away at a large rock-pile. They were all being whipped as they Hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders.

"No" again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of People in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them Were chanting 'Don't make waves, don't make waves...'

"That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion.

"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "You should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their jet-skis!"

Tongue Twisters

TONGUE TWISTERS

Time for some tongue excersizes. Don't read, say out loud

---> Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

---> A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Time

TIME

BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"

MAN: "It's 3:15."

BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Class Fellows

CLASS FELLOWS

Everyone has been guilty of looking at another's age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old." I'm sure you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this short story.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1957."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

Dad's Job

DAD'S JOB

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny, however, was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the arse."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and took little Johnny aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for "Manchester United", but I was too embarrassed to say"

Allergy

ALLERGY

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I get busy and print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.

Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas.

Imagine my surprise when a few hours later a very irate young man marches himself up to the nurses' station and demands, "Alright now, which one of you has labeled my mother 'bananas'?

On Getting Old

ON GETTIN OLD

* Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

* Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

* Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

* How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

* You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

* One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

* One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

* Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

* If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

* First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then... Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

* If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

And best of all...

* I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Broken Nose

BROKEN NOSE

A girl meets her girlfriend.

Whassup? You look so pale.

I'm going to drown myself.

What's the problem?

No one wants to fuck me. My cunt stinks.

Relax. I'll introduce you to a boxer. His nose is broken, he can't smell a thing!

She meets the boxer, they're in the bed, suddenly the man gets up and starts putting his clothes on.

Hey, what's the wrong?

Your cunt stinks!

Your nose is broken! You can't smell it!

Yea, but my eyes are full of tears.

Changing Bulb

CHANGING BULB

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

The Little Fireman

THE LITTLE FIREMAN

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat.

He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

Play Again

PLAY AGAIN

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Diamonds

DIAMONDS

Bill: It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

Doug: So what did she ask for?

Bill: She said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds." And so that's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

License Plate

LICENSE PLATE

Stuck in traffic for what felt like eons, I couldn't help but notice the license plate on the car in front of me. It read, "BAA BAA."

I was clueless as to why it was chosen until I looked at the vehicle to which the plate was attached. It was a black Jeep.

Coming Home

COMING HOME

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I fucked her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

Last Wish

LAST WISH

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Hair Loss Treatment

HAIR LOSS TREATMENT

Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise.

Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.

After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded.

"It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth."

"Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!"

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

THOSE GRAND OLD BURMA SHAVE ROAD SIGNS

---> TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

---> SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:

---> DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

---> DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

---> BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

---> CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave

---> SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

---> THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

---> AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

---> NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

---> A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

---> AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

---> BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

---> THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

---> CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

And my all time favorite:

---> PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt...

Just A Head

JUST A HEAD

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it.

Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..."

"Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing.

One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body!

She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"

The kid looks up at her and replies, "I hope it's not another hat."

They attached the head to the body but the body was rejected and died. The boy was so excited with the possibilities that he asked them to try again with another donor body but both died in surgery. He should have quit while he was a head.

30 Things Stressed Women May Say At Work

30 THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MAY SAY AT WORK

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-f*ck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

Love

LOVE

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Two Aliens

TWO ALIENS

Two aliens were discussing earth beings.

"So what do you think of them?" said the first.

"Well," the other replied, "I liked the intelligent ones, but I wasn't so keen on the ones with testicles."

Saving Calories

SAVING CALORIES

Never a good dieter, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets, and one day I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream."

Le Steak

LE STEAK

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

After the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies: "She'll have a salad."

Unhealthy

UNHEALTHY

Nadine: They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking.

Jill: Yes, but no one ever died from second hand obesity.

Gas Station

GAS STATION

Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

Something To Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

---> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

---> What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

---> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

---> What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

---> What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

---> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

---> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

---> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

---> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

---> What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

---> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Stomach Hurts

STOMACH HURTS

A little girl went up to her mother one day, holding her stomach and said, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

She then prepared a bowl of soup for the girl.

Later that day, when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner, the pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile, and said, "I know what's wrong! That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Social Studies

SOCIAL STUDIES

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.

"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" the teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"

Jump Out Of The Window

JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW

"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary.

"I don't know", she sobbed, "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."

"And what did you say?"

I just said, "The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks."

Bill & Doug

BILL & DOUG

Bill: I finally quit smoking by using the patch.

Doug: Oh yeah?? I tried that but it didn't work for me.

Bill: Well the trick is that you gotta put them OVER your mouth.

Marriage Anyone

MARRIAGE ANYONE.....?

---> At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

---> A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

---> When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

---> A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

---> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

---> Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

---> Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

---> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

---> If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

---> Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

---> First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

---> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

The Study Of The Penis Head

THE STUDY OF THE PENIS HEAD
BanglaDesh has funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over 180,000,000,000 taka.
The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Pakistan decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the BanglaDesh study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost in excess of 250,000.000 rupess they concluded that the head of a man's penis is wider than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the Pakistan study were released, the Indians decided to conduct their own study.
The Indians didn't really trust the Bengalis or Pakistani
studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of approx. 36 quid, the Indian study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is wider than its shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the face.