King Arthur

KING ARTHUR
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the
wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to
marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly.

Thinking

THINKING
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.
A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each
others eyes.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.
A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this
afternoon."

50 Cents

50 CENTS
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

High Blood Pressure

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
Joe said, "Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since!"

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

REASONS MASTURBATION IS BETTER THAN REAL SEX
1. Your hand always lets you finish first.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own
name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

Bowling Teams

BOWLING TEAMS
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered....... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!

Not Ready For Marriage

NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE
"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but she's an economist in the
bed-room."

Sally At The Pearly Gates

SALLY AT THE PEARLY GATES
Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times.
Now she stood before the Pearly Gates.
The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go." "

Redhead

REDHEAD
Anthony married a beautiful, and typically sassy, red-head, Kathy. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs - one scrambled
and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
Moral of the story ? If you marry a redhead, buy a house close to Denny's and take her out to breakfast!

Help Me

HELP ME
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored. "Break my arms."

At The Lake

AT THE LAKE
One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to
shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

Playing Doctor

PLAYING DOCTOR:
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.
"Sexuality my arse!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!

Sign Outside A Second Hand Shop

SIGN OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP
We exchange anything --
Bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain?

City Guys And Hillbilly Girl

CITY GUYS AND HILLBILLY GIRL
A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon, the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies.
She paused for a moment and said calmly, well you city guys walk up and stick it in, but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up.
Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.

123

123
A man finds that he is unable to perform, after years of married life. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" "All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down.
But be warned: "It will not rise again for
another year."
The guy goes home, ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection, just as the witch doctor said.
His wife, facing the other way, turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

False Teeth

FALSE TEETH
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth."Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try these."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.""

Toupee

TOUPEE
When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.
At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all... what's a few nails?"

What Time Is It

WHAT TIME IS IT ?
On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference:
If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If you are an Army aircraft, the big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

Trucker Picks Up A Hitchhiker

TRUCKER PICKS UP A HITCHHIKER...
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

In A Perfect World

IN A PERFECT WORLD
* A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
* You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
* Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
* Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
* Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
* People always have good reasons to be optimistic.
* You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
* The mail would always be early, the
check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
* Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
* If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
* First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
* All people could expect to be accepted.
* Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
* Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
* The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
* Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
* More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

Speeding Lady

SPEEDING LADY
A policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name and where she was from.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Gladiolas Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from theRepublic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, ....."Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Glasses

GLASSES
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eye glasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

How Men Are So Simple And Women So Complicated

HOW MEN ARE SO SIMPLE & WOMEN SO COMPLICATED
At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote :
" When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another. "
See below...
Men wrote :
" I love sex. "

Unconditional Love

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home from the war. He called his parents from San Francisco.
"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."
"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."
"There's something you should know the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."
"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."
"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."
"Son," said the
father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around,
but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.
Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!!! There's a miracle called Friendship That dwells in the heart You don't know how it happens Or when it gets started But you know the special lift It always brings And you realize that Friendship Is God's most precious gift! Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to
open their hearts to us.

Doctor's Office

DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

Fulfill Sexual Expectations

FULFILL SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfill me sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband. "But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"
You know, things could be worse. What if sex were fattening?

Police Comments

POLICE COMMENTS
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can
talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mentionthat I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#2.
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

Emergency Call

EMERGENCY CALL
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of
them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come
home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Drunk

DRUNK
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked her what happened.
"I did a horrible thing," sniffed the drunk. "Just a few hours ago I sold my husband to someone for a bottle of scotch."
"That is awful," said the other guy. "And now he's gone and you want him back, right?"
"Right," said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold him because you realized too late that you love him, right?"
"Oh no," she said. "I want him back because I'm thirsty again!"

Fantasy Vs Reality

FANTASY VS REALITY
* FANTASY
He'll lavish you with gifts for no particular reason.
REALITY
You've got him confused with Santa Claus, who's already married, anyway.
* FANTASY
He'll be tall.
REALITY
He'll say he's five-foot-ten, although you'll tower over him at five-seven.
* FANTASY
You'll be in his every thought.
REALITY
He'll spend half his life obsessing about a receding hairline, the other half
rehashing the latest game on ESPN.
* FANTASY
He'll be witty.
REALITY
He'll still tell knock-knock jokes.
* FANTASY
You'll share the same interests.
REALITY
He'll cancel a romantic evening with you for a tractor pull.
* FANTASY
He always walk beside you, smother you with kisses, and give you unconditional love.
REALITY
Now you've got him confused with the family dog!

You Know You Have A Bad Computer When

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A BAD COMPUTER WHEN:
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes
8. You have to pedal it
7. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"
6. Only chip inside is a dorito
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling
4. You catch a virus from it
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music
1. It cyber-snickers at you"

Getting Bald

GETTING BALD
Bill confessed to his wife that he really was getting bald. "It seems that my hair has gone through three stages," he said, "parted, unparted, and now departed."

Lawyers

LAWYERS
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."

Hand Bags

HANDBAGS
A man walks into a store and is looking at the handbags. He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost.
The assistant replies "$200 for that one".
Shocked the customer says "$200! Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special."
The assistant says, "It's the material it's made of."
Confused the customer asks, "What is it made of then?"
The assistant grins and says "foreskin. You give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!"

Catholics

CATHOLICS
Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do. Patrick says to Mary, "I think we need to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with any more children."
So they went to see the priest and the priest says to them, "You know the church only allows two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain altogether and the other is the rhythm method."
Patrick scratches his head and says, "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4:00 O clock in the morning?"

Blonde

BLONDE
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.
So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

Magic Lamp

MAGIC LAMP
A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish.
"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.
The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke.
When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

You Live In.....

YOU LIVE IN..........
You live in Phoenix, Arizona when.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over
100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
You
Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4 You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4.
Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a
football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends
anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Pig

PIG
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin
pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!."
"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once
more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN
TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

Bumper Stickers You Missed Because You Were Driving Too Fast

BUMPER STICKERS YOU MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST.
* Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
* Horn Broken. Watch For Finger.
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
* I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
* So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
* If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
* Illiterate? Write For Help.
* Honk If Anything Falls Off.
* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
* You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
* Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
* (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
* Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
* Ax Me About Ebonics.
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
* Boldly Going Nowhere.
* Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For
Eating His Animal Friends.
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
* How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
* All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :
* Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed, And For The Same Reason.

Dirty Diaper

DIRTY DIAPER
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife.
"I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby." !

Bill Collector

BILL COLLECTOR
A bill collector came knocking at Nadine's door; she had fallen behind on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?"
Nadine shrugged and said. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."

Fast Food Slogans

FAST FOOD SLOGANS
* Wendy's new Slogan
"If you like our chili, you'll be crazy about our new finger sandwiches."
* McDonald's new Slogan
"Skip Wendy's. At McDonald's we don't give you the finger."
* KFC new Slogan
"That ain't what we meant by finger licking good."

Nixon Disease

NIXON DISEASE
A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,"How am I going to her that she has crabs?"
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.
She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says, "What?"
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your
oval orifice."

Tour Of Heaven

TOUR OF HEAVEN
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.
The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the
Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every culture in Heaven.
Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the Mormons. They like to think that they're the only ones
here."

Playing Doctor

PLAYING DOCTOR
Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

First Grade

FIRST GRADE
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first boy was to say "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there staring out
at the audience, frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words....
"My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!! And fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.."
The audience left howling.

Life's Crazy Rules

LIFE'S CRAZY RULES
* Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation,
the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or
replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law:
Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law:
The
job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Doctor

DOCTOR
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

Extra Large Condoms

EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

New Name

NEW NAME
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Diane's 4-year-old son overheard some of his mother's private conversations.
One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."
"Really?" asked the lady.
"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Cheating Wife

CHEATING WIFE
The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

Seat Belt

SEAT BELT
Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says, "Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."
Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman doesn't need a seatbelt."
"Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need an airplane either."

Blonde Swim Trunks

BLONDE SWIM TRUNKS
A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"
He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

The Truck And The Toll Booth

THE TRUCK AND THE TOLL BOOTH
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former toll-booth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth
paste."

Fake

FAKE
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like
a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after love-making has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Discussing Life

DISCUSSING LIFE
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

Polar Bear & Penguin

POLAR BEAR & PENGUIN
A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snow-dunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm.
Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.
The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.
Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.
After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same
day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm.
Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.
Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom.
The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!
The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrarri.

Organisation Body

ORGANISATION BODY
The body of any organization has four bones:
1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;
2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;
3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;
4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

Cats On Fence

CATS ON FENCE
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?

Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison

KEEPING YOURSELF BUSY IN PRISON
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Bridge Club Annual Outing

BRIDGE CLUB ANNUAL OUTING
Emma was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "It didn't end all that great for me."
Why, what happened? he asked.
"Well, I went out to take a swim in the rough water. I didn't go out so far because the waves were very bad, but even so, I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked but it was gone, gone, gone!"
"Well, for goodness sakes, Emma, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable housewife would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I
could."

Fairground

FAIRGROUND
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

Backslider

BACKSLIDER
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

Funny

FUNNY
Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

New Phrases

NEW PHRASES
* Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
* He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
* Have a cup of coffee--it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'
* She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
* It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
* My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.
* He's as country as cornflakes.
* This is gooder'n grits.
* If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
* I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.

Taking A Dump

TAKING A DUMP
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
* CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
* FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
* ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
* JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
* COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
* WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
* OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
* THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
* SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
* TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
* ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
* WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
* HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
* UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Guide

GUIDE
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

You Find Out

YOU FIND OUT...
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

Funny Geek Stuff

FUNNY GEEK STUFF
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech
support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I
help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
"P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Training

TRAINING
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa!!

Soon To Be Dead Husband

SOON TO BE DEAD HUSBAND
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought.
I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub.".

Job Incentive

JOB INCENTIVE
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....".

Gas Prices

GAS PRICES
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $20 worth."

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN
* FIRST
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
* SECOND
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or
looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
* THIRD
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
* FOURTH
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
* FIFTH
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
* SIXTH
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
* SEVENTH
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples

Special Indian Talent

SPECIAL INDIAN TALENT
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"Scout, you must use all your thirty years of skills for me and try to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout lays down and puts his ear to the ground.
"Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many, many guns! Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"NO," replied the Indian. . .
"I can see under the gate."

Advice For Northerners Moving To The South

ADVICE FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
* Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
* If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
* You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
* REMEMBER: Y'all is
singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
* Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
* Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
* The first Southern _expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'", as in "big ol' truck", or "big ol'boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.
* As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever
hear.
* Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
* If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
* Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
* One last warning but probably the
most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

Send Us Old Guys

SEND US OLD GUYS
I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the
enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a
deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great
reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Adolescent

ADOLESCENT
The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.
Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

Old One

OLD ONE
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent."
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his buddy says, "That's my old one!"

Cowboys

COWBOYS
Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.
"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

A = B = C

A = B = C
Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.

At Steakhouse Restaurant

AT STEAKHOUSE RESTAURANT
I have read something like this before but I have never seen it told like this. It is a long read but worth it.
This apparently came from the triangle.dining newsgroup, and is about Ryan's SteakHouse Restaurant in Raleigh, NC. Pretty damn funny.
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the
week that it is served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can- eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you --in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I
was in real trouble.
There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing.
At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first,I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be.
After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.
One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped
stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache,
a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit
that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards
attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up form a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was, diverted from the goings-on at the other end.
To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that
vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet,an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember,I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and
slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.
Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the
vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.
OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?
One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the
inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me,covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the
manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.
At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we
could bolt immediately.
Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being.
She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what
I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.
He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put
on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly
recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Hope it never happens to you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home Improvement

HOME IMPROVEMENT
Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says, "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."
Jill interrupts and says, "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement.'

SWOT

SWOT
A married man, Marv, was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
Marv said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out.

New Secretary

NEW SECRETARY
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours.
You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

Talking Horse

TALKING HORSE
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up
quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white
horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative.
"Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know diddly about cars".

Confession

CONFESSION
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean that you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him
over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"

Say Something Nice

SAY SOMETHING NICE
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Teleohone Number

TELEPHONE NUMBER
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry,I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5,of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Dolls

DOLLS
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the "Oh's" and
"Ah's" started, and then ending with the same question, "Where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"