The Search

THE SEARCH
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens. He kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as
that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation: "Has anybody got a
cock?" - and all the men stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock?" and all the women stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" - and half the women
stood up.
"No, no" he said "That wasn't what I meant!...
Has anybody seen my cock? and all the nuns stood up!!..."

Lets Race.........

Farmer Johns goes out one bay and buys
a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.
The cocky young rooster walks over to
the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow,
time to retire."
The old rooster says: "You can't handle
all these chickens, look what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now don't
give me a hassle about this old man.
It's time for the old to step aside and
the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just
let me have those two old hens over there
in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat
it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and
then says to the young rooster: "I'll
tell you what, young fellow, I'll have
a race around the farm house with you.
Whoever wins the race gets full domain
over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm
going to beat you, old man. So just to
be fair, I'm even going to give you a
head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the
farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the
old rooster takes off running. About 5
seconds later the young rooster takes
off after him. They round the front of
the farm house and the young rooster is
inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. Farmer Johns, sitting on the porch,
hearing the commotion looks up and sees
what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his
shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is
blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly
shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That
makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

Here is a history quiz recently aired by ABC. The test consists of one multiple-choice question. Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:

China 1945-46
Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958
Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960
Congo 1964
Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73
Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69
Grenada 1983
Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s
Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99
Sudan 1998
Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999
Afghanistan 2001-

And now for the test:

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result?

Choose one of the following:
(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

It's B! The answer is B, right? I'm guessing B!

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

10. Bomb them…

9. Bomb them and tell them that you didn’t do it…

8. Bomb them and tell them that they did it to themselves…

7. Bomb them and tell them that you are really sorry…

6. Bomb them and blame it on their leaders…

5. Bomb them and then throw food at them…

4. Starve them…

3. Cut off their water…

2. Bomb them and then go on their radio and tell them you have come to ‘liberate’ them…

1. Bomb them and then call them terrorists

And then wonder why they hate you?

MARINE AND A CAMEL

MARINE AND A CAMEL

A new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

"Well, sir," replied the sergeant, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have the camel, Sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges, and asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants and had sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

Those Darn G's

THOSE DARN GENERALS

Two generals, Mahmood and Parvaiz, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Mahmood offers Parvaiz a Rs 1000 bet. Parvaiz agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Parvaiz is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Mahmood. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Parvaiz secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Mahmood says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 1000 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Mahmood says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Fastest Thing

FASTEST THING

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said.

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

Birthday Cake

BIRTHDAY CAKE

A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"

Golf

GOLF

These three guys escape from Hong Kong prison. One is Pakistani, one is Chinese, and the last one is Indian.

But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.

"Let's play golf." The Chinese finally says.

"I don't know how to play that." The Indian says.

"Oh it's easy, answers the Pakistani, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."

"I got the ball," says the Chinese,

"I got the stick," says the Pakistani

Then the Indian says, "I don't wanna play."

PUBLIC SENTIMENT

PUBLIC SENTIMENT

I was in my car during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my car and knocks on the windshield. I open the window and he asks:

"Hey, Did you hear the news? The Pakistani Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs 100 million for their release. If they don't pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!".

"Oh god!" I said, "This is just unbelievable".

"That's why I'm walking from car to car, to collect", said the man.

While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: "Well, about 5 litres!"

AUTOMATIC AUDIO

AUTOMATIC AUDIO

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle.

Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want." She drove out, amazed and a little confused.

She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE," she muttered.

And, from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

INTERESTING ANALOGY

INTERESTING ANALOGY

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, " Sherry, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

Sherry thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?""

Definition Of Kiss

DEFINITION OF KISS

Prof. of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

Prof. of War Studies
Kiss is the friendly initiation of hostility between two rivals and ends with a Bang.

THE SUNBATHER

THE SUNBATHER

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

GOING CRAZY WITH CONFUSION

GOING CRAZY WITH CONFUSION

A psychiatrist visited a Lahore mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

HAIR SPRAY

HAIR SPRAY

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

WHAT MAKES LIFE 100%?

WHAT MAKES LIFE 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

CASE OF PREGNANCY

Another One
CASE OF PREGNANCY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, and she
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so
she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth
move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and
he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he
had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was
like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice
her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint
Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign
that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to
smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED"

HARRY THE GENIUS

Enjoy This
HARRY THE GENIUS
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal
told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?
Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "A Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some Who am I" sort of questions,
okay? "
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "A Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "A Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "An Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "A Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten
questions myself."

sisters of mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.' The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY

Politics

Enjoy this one also.
Nasir
WHAT IS POLITICS
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the
money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so
we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working
class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do
you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is
crying. He goes in and finds out he have soiled his diapers. He goes
to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but
she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no
one can hear him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own word son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the
governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future
is full of SHIT!!!!!

Gorilla n Gentleman

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are youhurt?"... "AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..." --

semen

In a university biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her things without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.......Have a nice day."

Sauna Magic Trick

SAUNA MAGIC TRICK

Gary and Jane are in a sauna.

Gary says to Jane, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

Jane says "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees"

Jane turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says Gary, "...does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"

"Yes!" Replies Jane

Gary waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

Flight

FLIGHT

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. TRAY UP BITCH!

Take It Off

TAKE IT OFF

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

Lets Race.........

Farmer Johns goes out one bay and buys
a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.
The cocky young rooster walks over to
the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow,
time to retire."
The old rooster says: "You can't handle
all these chickens, look what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now don't
give me a hassle about this old man.
It's time for the old to step aside and
the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just
let me have those two old hens over there
in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat
it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and
then says to the young rooster: "I'll
tell you what, young fellow, I'll have
a race around the farm house with you.
Whoever wins the race gets full domain
over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm
going to beat you, old man. So just to
be fair, I'm even going to give you a
head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the
farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the
old rooster takes off running. About 5
seconds later the young rooster takes
off after him. They round the front of
the farm house and the young rooster is
inches behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. Farmer Johns, sitting on the porch,
hearing the commotion looks up and sees
what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his
shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is
blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly
shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That
makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

FOREIGN INTERVENTION TEST

Here is a history quiz recently aired by ABC. The test consists of one multiple-choice question. Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:

China 1945-46
Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958
Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960
Congo 1964
Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73
Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69
Grenada 1983
Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s
Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99
Sudan 1998
Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999
Afghanistan 2001-

And now for the test:

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result?

Choose one of the following:
(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

It's B! The answer is B, right? I'm guessing B!

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

TOP TEN WAYS TO ‘WIN THE HEARTS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE’

10. Bomb them…

9. Bomb them and tell them that you didn’t do it…

8. Bomb them and tell them that they did it to themselves…

7. Bomb them and tell them that you are really sorry…

6. Bomb them and blame it on their leaders…

5. Bomb them and then throw food at them…

4. Starve them…

3. Cut off their water…

2. Bomb them and then go on their radio and tell them you have come to ‘liberate’ them…

1. Bomb them and then call them terrorists

And then wonder why they hate you?

MARINE AND A CAMEL

MARINE AND A CAMEL

A new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

"Well, sir," replied the sergeant, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have the camel, Sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges, and asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants and had sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

Those Darn G's

THOSE DARN GENERALS

Two generals, Mahmood and Parvaiz, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Mahmood offers Parvaiz a Rs 1000 bet. Parvaiz agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Parvaiz is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Mahmood. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Parvaiz secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Mahmood says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 1000 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Mahmood says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Fastest Thing

FASTEST THING

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said.

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"

Birthday Cake

BIRTHDAY CAKE

A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"

Golf

GOLF

These three guys escape from Hong Kong prison. One is Pakistani, one is Chinese, and the last one is Indian.

But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.

"Let's play golf." The Chinese finally says.

"I don't know how to play that." The Indian says.

"Oh it's easy, answers the Pakistani, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."

"I got the ball," says the Chinese,

"I got the stick," says the Pakistani

Then the Indian says, "I don't wanna play."

PUBLIC SENTIMENT

PUBLIC SENTIMENT

I was in my car during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my car and knocks on the windshield. I open the window and he asks:

"Hey, Did you hear the news? The Pakistani Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs 100 million for their release. If they don't pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!".

"Oh god!" I said, "This is just unbelievable".

"That's why I'm walking from car to car, to collect", said the man.

While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: "Well, about 5 litres!"

AUTOMATIC AUDIO

AUTOMATIC AUDIO

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle.

Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want." She drove out, amazed and a little confused.

She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE," she muttered.

And, from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

INTERESTING ANALOGY

INTERESTING ANALOGY

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, " Sherry, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

Sherry thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?""

Definition Of Kiss

DEFINITION OF KISS

Prof. of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

Prof. of War Studies
Kiss is the friendly initiation of hostility between two rivals and ends with a Bang.

THE SUNBATHER

THE SUNBATHER

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

GOING CRAZY WITH CONFUSION

GOING CRAZY WITH CONFUSION

A psychiatrist visited a Lahore mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

HAIR SPRAY

HAIR SPRAY

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

WHAT MAKES LIFE 100%?

WHAT MAKES LIFE 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

CASE OF PREGNANCY

Another One
CASE OF PREGNANCY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus, and she
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so
she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth
move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and
he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he
had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was
like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice
her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint
Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign
that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to
smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED"

HARRY THE GENIUS

Enjoy This
HARRY THE GENIUS
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal
told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?
Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "A Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some Who am I" sort of questions,
okay? "
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "A Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "A Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "An Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "A Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten
questions myself."

Politics

Enjoy this one also.
Nasir
WHAT IS POLITICS
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the
money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so
we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working
class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do
you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is
crying. He goes in and finds out he have soiled his diapers. He goes
to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but
she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no
one can hear him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own word son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the
governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future
is full of SHIT!!!!!

The Search

THE SEARCH
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the
chickens. He kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as
that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village
he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation: "Has anybody got a
cock?" - and all the men stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock?" and all the women stood up...
"No, no" he said, "That wasn't what I meant... Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" - and half the women
stood up.
"No, no" he said "That wasn't what I meant!...
Has anybody seen my cock? and all the nuns stood up!!..."

Messages From Newly Wed Daughters

MESSAGES FROM NEWLY WED DAUGHTERS

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read "Benson & Hedges".

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

Punishment

PUNISHMENT

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Maude & Claude

MAUDE & CLAUDE.....

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.

Maude was thinking: If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose.

Mistress

MISTRESS.....

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

"Who was that?" Demands the wife.

"If you must know, that was my mistress."

"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Honda, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Murree?"

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Hamid over there? Who's he with?"

"That’s HIS mistress."

"Oh... Well I think ours is cuter."

A Naughty Boy

A NAUGHTY BOY.....

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Zahid says to Nasir and Asif: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty

woman undressing. Suddenly, Zahid runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Nasir and Asif see Zahid and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of

faggot or something?"

Zahid replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that

window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

History Of The Internet

HISTORY OF THE INTERNET

In early Islam days, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Usman's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A Jewish man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Christian Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Eden, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Arabs Home Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Awful 4 Letter Words

AWFUL FOUR LETTER WORDS

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Nasir started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Rahat," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Rs 5000 Toyota

RS 5000 TOYOTA

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: Rs 5000 Toyata! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Toyota for Rs 5000, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot.

So he went to the lady's house in Defence and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Toyota.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?"

Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Toyota for only Rs 5000?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Toyota and sent him the money."

The Lighter Side Of Marriage

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF MARRIAGE

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffe-Ring
The Endu-Ring

9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the

second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!

13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15. SON: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
FATHER: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
SON: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
FATHER: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT?

God's Creation

GOD'S CREATION

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's India, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from India are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Pakistan." "They will call themselves my soldiers but would always be led by the most corrupt people found there."

Plane Ride

PLANE RIDE

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to a beautiful blonde and made his move by saying " Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the player. " How about nuclear power?"

" Ok," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first.- A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Oh hell," said the guy " I have no idea."

Well said the blonde, "How is it then you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Free On Tuesday

FREE ON TUESDAY.....

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.

Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

Mounted Cop

MOUNTED COP.......

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

A Frustrated Woman

A FRUSTRATED WOMAN.....

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead.

She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

Eating A Watermelon

EATING A WATERMELON.....

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), "Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool"

Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed".

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can't stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool"?

And Eloise says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't, I'd be too embarrassed".

So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc'h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I'll bet she be cool."

And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her."

So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc'h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon..... tell us... is you cool"?

And the woman says, "Honey child... I don't no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon"!

The Art Of Marketing

THE ART OF MARKETING.....

This is what I learned with a BS in Marketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, I'm fantastic in bed. THAT'S DIRECT MARKETING.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and you see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you, and says, he's fantastic in bed, THAT'S ADVERTISING.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, hi, I'm fantastic in bed. THAT'S TELEMARKETING.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. THAT'S PUBLIC RELATIONS.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. THAT'S BRAND RECOGNITION.

You hear about girls like this, but never meet one. THAT'S FALSE ADVERTISEMENT.

The Father

THE FATHER.....

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy replied, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly . . . but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, may be you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Hospital Visit

HOSPITAL VISIT....

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sohail and Tariq, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sohail eventually asked Tariq, “Hey Tariq, what're you in for?”

“I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,” said Tariq.

“Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?'' replied Tariq. “That's not half-bad. Hey, Sohail, how about you? What're you here for?”

“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sohail answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”

Patient's Status

PATIENT'S STATUS.....

A woman called Allied Hospital, Faisalabad and said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the name of the patient and the room number?"

The woman replied, "She's Parween Naseem, in room 412."

The voice answered, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Naseem is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Majid is going to send her home on Monday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling! Thank you for such wonderful news!"

The voice on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

The woman replied, "I'm Parween Naseem in 412! Majid, my doctor, tells me shit!!"

Dirty Mind

DIRTY MIND.......

Mr. Hamd, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Robina, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Robina gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Hamid, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Hamid called on Miss Javarai and asked the same question. Miss Javaria, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Hamid.

"And now, Miss Robina, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Sex Mathematicd

SEX MATHEMATICS.....

This is pretty neat how it works out.

This is amazing SEX math!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It only takes about a minute...

Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun (& it's about sex).

First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex ... (try for more than once but less than 10)

Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

Add 5. (for Friday Night)

Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)

I'll wait while you get the calculator...

If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752...

If you haven't, add 1751 ...

Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. (if you remember)

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).

The next two numbers are your age.

IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?

State Coach

STATE COACH

President Bush was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated "state visit" to Great Britain. Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.

The coach proceeded through the streets en route to Buckingham Palace, the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach.

Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bazaar together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous.

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets - - - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

"Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought; why, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

Clock Stopper

CLOCK STOPPER

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his chopper on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!!"

The Naming Ceremony

THE NAMING CEREMONY

A fourth son was born to Shafiq Ibrahim. The proud father invited his good friend Arif Chaudhry to join the celebration and choose a name for the new born child.

"What names have you given to the three elder boys?" asked Arif.

"One is Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), the second Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and the third Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God)," replied Shafiq.

To this Arif, member of the family planning commission pondered over the names for a while and thoughtfully replied," I suggest you name your fourth son, Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough)."

Naming A Child

NAMING A CHILD

A person from Uttar Pradesh (UP) was in Mysore for about 4 years and his wife was in Jaunpur (UP).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleages in office stating that his wife had delivered a Son. His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this happened when our friend was in Mysore and his wife in Jaunpur.

He said it is common in UP that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him "what name will you give to the son ?" to which he replied "If its the second neighbour who has taken care, then the name would be DWIVEDI,if it is the third neighbour then it would be TRIVEDI, if it is the fourth neighbour then it would be CHATURVEDI & if its the fifth neighbour PANDEY.

After listening to this,questions followed and what if it is a mixture of neighbours?

Then it would be named as MISHRA and what if the wife is shy to tell the name of the neighbour, then it would be SHARMA. and what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour then the name of the child would be GUPTA. If she does not remember the name then? it is YAAD-AV , If it is the result of rape... it is DOSHI.. finally, If she is too enthusiastic about it, then he is JOSHI.

Weapons Of

WEAPONS OF MATHS INSTRUCTION

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School in Basra and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

Happy Butt

HAPPY BUTT

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office, and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?

The Student

THE STUDENT

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.

I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.

He put his arms around me and started.

I watched nervously in the mirror.

He finally finished and pulled back slowly.

I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

Joy

JOY TOUCHED MOUNTAINOUS HEIGHT

My joy touched mountainous height
On my first wedding night
They call it honey moon,
Which we were to observe soon.
At midnight I entered the room
With my handsome bride groom.
He closed the door, from inside
And kissed me, that is his bride.
Sitting on the bed he asked me to come
Out of shame, I kept mum.
As if I were dead
He pulled me on the bed.
With a smile he gazed at me
I put my head on knee.
I was to lift my head
And lie on the bed.
I did it accordingly
he took it smilingly,
Lying alongside, he touched my thigh
And left a deep sigh.
He is surveying my body, with eyes and touch
With which, he appeared to be amused much.
He began showering kisses
And said "How beautiful is my Mrs."
He drew me nearer and nearer
I am experiencing fear and terror.
Do all men do this?
Love, embrace and kiss.
He embraced me with love
And lifted me above.
His heart is beating on one side,
and mind on other side.
His kisses were warm,
And full of charm.
Putting hands on my hips,
He tasted my lips.
So far in the past,
My blood never ran so fast.
I blushed a lot,
Besides feeling hot.
Then a moment came,
I felt much shame.
He was busy like bees,
And pulled sari over my knees.
On the spot ,there was no hair,
As I removed it with a shear.
His hands are moving thigh to cunt,
Which I felt like electric current.
His action made me warm and bold,
Soon his penis was in my hold.
I took his organ in my hand,
Which was warm like desert sand.
He started at my legs,
Just as a pauper begs.
He compared them with pine,
More charming and more fine.
He looked me very smart,
At the very start.
He was mad,
And I was glad.
He pulled my sari more,
But could not reach the shore.
The knot was tight
To open, he had to fight.
Then he attacked the upper part,
Which was breast guard.
He held above the breast very tight,
With pain, I cried slight.
He cared not for my pain,
And went on like an unsane.
After removing the brassieres, he found
My breasts, pointed and round.
He pressed them hard, neglecting my shout
My delicate breasts were not out.
I raised an alarm again,
But I felt charm in pain.
Neglecting my cries, he continued
It was difficult to change his attitude.
He hold me to " bear the pain and do not mind,
At the moment I am blind.
Putting mouth on the nipples, he began to suck
And called it essential before fuck.
I was naked as I was born
All the clothes were thrown.
I was naked from head to feet
He praised me , clear and neat.
He also removed his cloths,
Naked we were both.
Lenghthy and thick was his prick,
Not less than a bamboo stick.
He was looking his penis,
With delight and eagerness.
He clung to me,
Like a snake on tree.
He started at my cunt,
Which he was next to hunt.
In this war, my cunt would burst,
And he was to quench with thirst.
Subsequent strokes were
Harder and harder.
In a few strokes my hymen was teared,
And block road was cleared.
Then his prick was into its full length,
I was wondering about his strength.
I now enjoyed the game,
There was no pain and shame.
I asked to put the whole prick inside
He said" It is already in, nothing is outside".
I was now not coward
Moving my hand backward and forward.
He was also performing his role,
And put his finger in my hole.
He then stopped his act,
What he will do, I knew the act.
My cunt was hot like fire,
Being woman, I could not express my desire.
After a while I became more sexy,
Flexy and vexy.
He then lifted my legs high,
And put his on the thigh.
There was movement in my clitoris,
As if inviting his penis.
With the fingers the last way devided
And desiring, I could not get frightened.
He placed his penis on it
And gave a light jerk to fit.
As a part of axis entered
Here, now our attention centered.
Our legs entangled with each other,
Before progressing further.
It was like a hidden treasure,
Which gave me a heavenly pleasure.
He held me tight in his arms,
His kisses were ruthless and warm.
He caught my tongue with his teeth,
And pressed my chin length.
On my level he cast a kiss
And called it a thing never to miss.
His prick was in full erection,
Moving in upward and downward direction.
With strength he pushed his penis in my hole,
Which has shaked my body and soul.
Please be soft, I made humble requests,
He said" false culprit, the policeman arrests".
Before coitus, i could never imagine,
How such a lengthy lump would fit in.
But now I found his penis short in size,
Undoubtedly, after experience one is wise.
From pain, I was freed,
And he was fucking with speed.
He was fucking much faster,
With joy I clung to my master.
Then he gave a last but strong jerk,
Which ment, he finished his work.
At last he reached to his peak,
And attained what he wanted to seek.
The penis poured fluid in my hole,
Which was real satisfaction to my soul.
He kept lying upon me silently,
But slipped after a while, though reluctantly.
A lot blood has spilled
On my cunt, his penis and bed.
I asked him to where from the blood came,
He told "It is the out come of the game".
It does come during first inter course,
Whether one is fucked softly or with force.

CLASSROOM FUN

CLASSROOM FUN

There is a classroom of some small children (5-7yrs).

Obviously there was one ordinary boy (Bablu) and a smart one (Pappu).The dialogue between the two and the teacher goes something like this:

Bablu: "Teacher, teacher! Is Bus male or female?

Teacher: Thinking.......

Pappu: "Teacher, teacher! It is female"

Bablu: "Kyon?"

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab log uspe charhte hain."

Teacher is pareshan. While Bablu gets doubt.

Bablu: "Agar bus female hai aur sab us pe charhte hain to uske bacche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is more pareshan.

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab us par peeche se charhte hain."

Teacher is now hiding her face. Bablu gets another doubt.

Bablu: "Maana sabhi peeche se charhte hain, but driver aur conductor to aagay se charhte hain. Phir bachche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is sweating as it is getting too much to handle.

Pappu replies: "Kyon ki woh dono topi pehan ke charhte hain."

Teacher faints !!!!!!!

Geographic Location

GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION

A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine." Consternation.

Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location will give."

Business Love Letter

BUSINESS LOVE LETTER PROPOSAL

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on 13 Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending in compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotions from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance. I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However, I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, offer would be cancelled without further notice and shall be considering sometime else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to you sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely, Mr. ROMEO

BUISNESS REPLY TO THE ABOVE LETTER

Dear Mr.Romeo

Please refer to you letter dated today.

I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security concerning this commitment.

If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a luxury condominium and a Jag are in order. Please also note that there should be no moonlight restrictions placed on myself.

If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.

Please also note that my sister is happily employed.

Just Helping

JUST HELPING

Khurshid Bukhari was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Khurshid Bukhari then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?"

Lunch For Jesus

LUNCH FOR JESUS

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile and said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch".