Message From God

MESSAGE FROM GOD
Hi. God here. How ya doin? Why is it that every time I turn around, some so-called religious leader is shaking the Bible or Torah and saying that I, God, want everyone to "stone the adulteress" or "burn the witch" or"send money to build the Happy Jesus Theme Park" or, in this case, bust up statues?
Let's get something straight here. First of all, that Bible or Torah that they're shaking around? Heavily padded. Sure I told the prophets to write some of those things down. The good-advice parts, like bathe, and lift with your knees, and be nice to each other, and don't do roof work when you're drunk. But for every thing I asked a prophet to write down, he'd add about a hundred things of his own, stuff
about when his neighbors should be smote and why his wife should do everything he said and so on.
A lot of those prophets were thwarted writers as well, and saw the Bible and Torah as a way of getting their potboilers published. All that begatting, and the swooping seraphim and wailing-and-gnashing -of-teeth business? All theirs. I was never really pushing for a Holy Book. I was thinking more Sensible Pamphlet.
The Ten Commandments, for instance -- what I originally dictated were The Four Suggestions. But then those prophets got hold of them and decided they'd punch them up and use them to spook their kids.
You know what I really want? I want a world where Friends isn't on 42 times a freaking day. I want rap and hip-hop artists to stop thanking me at their goddam award ceremonies. I HATE that music. Gimme Marvin Gaye, gimme some zydeco,
gimme Bach. Here's a news flash for you, rappers and hip-hopsters, you're all going to Hell! So stop implicating me everytime you get an award.
And all those Aerosmith guys are going to hell too. Oh, and Christine Aguilera? Hell city, baby! Wacky morning DJs, the programmers at FOX, Elizabeth Hurley -- HELL, HELL, HELL!
Anyhow, I'm getting off on a rant here. But I want to let you in on something. All of those geezers who claw their way to the top of the religion heap and start pronouncing God wants this and God wants that -- extremely small penises. Tiny! Think about that the next time somebody starts shaking his Holy Book at you.
---- GOD