Something To Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
---> What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
---> What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
---> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
---> Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
---> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
---> Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
---> What do you call
a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
---> What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
---> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
---> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
---> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
---> Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
---> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
---> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you
---> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
---> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
---> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
---> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
---> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
---> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
---> Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
---> Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
---> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
---> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
---> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
---> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
---> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're
hiring.
---> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
---> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
---> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...".
---> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides