New
Employment Rules
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and
Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow
the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your
allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the
end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the
door will open..
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look
healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
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