Bubba Claus

BUBBA CLAUS
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. ba's fireplace. !"