V-DAY QUIZ Valentine's Day... the most romantic day of the year! If you're one of those who actually have a signifigant other, you need to start preparing, or else risk losing everything you've worked so hard to gain. One minor slip-up... one tiny mistake, and she might ditch you like a three-day-old band-aid. So, to see if you're even in the ballpark, romance-wise, all you gotta do is take this simple test. Enjoy! Question 1
During sex, you "accidentally" let your penis slip out of your lover's vagina and into her tight little bunghole. She lets out a yelp, and is visibly
upset with you. You should... a) ...feign temporary deafness and finish what you started.
b) ...tell her it's her own damn fault for having such a huge and sloppy vagina.
c) ...pick up the phone to call her mom and apologize for having taken her daughter in such a shameful and degrading fashion.
d) ...kiss the boo-boo and make it better. Question 2
Your lover catches you jacking-off, storms out of the room in tears, and locks herself in the cellar. To get her to come out, you should... a) ...cry like a baby and promise never to jack-off again for as long as you both shall live.
b) ...set the house on fire.
c) ...claim that
masturbation is the only way you can rid yourself of the evil spirits living in your tummy.
d) ...explain that she is so beautiful, and sex with her is so amazing, you have to yank ten times a day just to avoid ejaculating prematurely when the two of you make sweet, passionate love. Question 3
Your lover has been gaining weight in recent months, so this Valentine's day, instead of the usual box of chocolates, you decide you should get her... a) ...a treadmill.
b) ...gift certificates from Enzo's House O'Liposuction.
c) ...a tattoo that says WIDE LOAD, right above the crack of her gigantic, flabby ass.
d) ...tasteful, body-flattering lingerie that makes the most of her newfound voluptuosity. Question 4
At the movies, your lover tells a group of hulking teen-agers to be quiet because she can't hear the dialogue. They begin to taunt you. You should... a) ...run like hell and let the dumb bitch fend for her own fucking self for a change.
b) ...loudly proclaim your admiration for Rage Against the Machine and/or Public Enemy, as the situation warrants.
c) ...set your jacket on fire and throw it at the trouble-makers.
d) ...find an usher and have the inconsiderate oafs escorted from the theatre in a calm and orderly fashion. Question 5
While going down on your lover, you
discover that her pussy is emitting a rank, swampy stench. You should... a) ...over-react dramatically. Retch, gag, claw at your throat and gasp for breath, hopefully providing your lover with the incentive to improve her personal feminine hygiene.
b) ...convince her to try a new sex game you just read about in The Daily Dirt; one involving a funnel and an economy-sized jug of mouth-wash.
c) ...shout "there's a fungus among us!" and pass out.
d) ...ignore the foul odor and forge ahead in the task of bringing your lover to the loftiest heights of oral pleasure. Question 6
You have a full Valentine's Day schedule planned out, complete with a pricey surf and turf dinner, a well-chilled bottle of Dom Perignon,
reservations at the hotest dance club in town and a night of unbridled passion at a four-star hotel. Unfortunately, that very night, your lover's parents are killed in a horrible head-on collision. You should... a) ...break out your little black book and start looking for an alternate.
b) ...ask subtle questions about how much money she stands to inherit now that her parents have kicked the bucket.
c) ...berate her for her lousy timing.
d) ...drop everything and rush to be by her side during this tragic, trying time in her life. Question 7
During a post-coital conversation, your lover tearfully claims to have once been abducted and experimented upon by aliens. You should... a) ...laugh like you've never laughed before.
b) ...do everything in your power to have her committed, then forget all about her.
c) ...ask her to lick the Klingons off Uranus.
d) ...believe her, and offer her your unconditional love and support. Question 8
Your lover has prepared a Valentine's Day dinner for you, but it tastes like boiled gym socks and dog shit. You should... a) ...force her to listen while you call all your buddies and tell them what a lousy fucking cook she is.
b) ...tell her the last time you tasted something so foul was the night you gave mouth-to-mouth to a scab-encrusted homeless dwarf the cops had just pulled out of a septic tank and
who, unbeknownst to you at the time, had been dead for three weeks.
c) ...toss the food out a window when her back is turned. Later, steal ten dollars from her purse and sneak out for some KFC.
d) ...dutifully finish your meal and compliment her on it. A little white lie about the quality of dinner will insure that you recieve an incredible dessert. Question 9
Your lover playfully hints that she might be open to having a three-way with you and Svenga, her extremely attractive lesbian masseuse friend from Sweden. You should... a) ...call her a fucking pervert and tell her she's going to burn in hell with that Ellen whore.
b) ...weep with gratitude until you hyperventilate and have to breath into a paper
bag.
c) ...insist on going over to Svenga's house that very instant.
d) ...smile knowingly and tell her you don't want to pressure her into doing anything unless she's completely comfortable with it. Question 10
Your lover insists that you stop reading the Daily newspaper or else she'll leave you. You should... a) ...change the locks on your doors, bundle her belongings and put them out by the trash. Spend the day maxing out all her credit cards on live internet sex shows.
b) ...agree to her demands, but don't cancel your account. Then forbid her from ever touching your computer.
c) ...tell her that you wouldn't be addicted to internet porn if she weren't so frigid and ugly.
d) ...dutifully
obey, like the simpering, pussy-whipped, whithered husk of a half-man that you are. HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR SCORE...
First, give yourself 10 POINTS just for doing the test. Next, take those 10 points, and shove them up your ass. YOU WIN!
