RUMINATIONS
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I think, "There are a lot of people much worse off than I." You'd be surprised how comforting it can be to know that someone somewhere is suffering.
If I were a virgin back in the days when they sacrificed virgins to their gods, I'd probably want to be known as the dirty slut girl. Gods never seem to want to date dirty slut girls.
I've decided it's time for me to get a dog. Not because I really want a pet, but rather because I'm tired of going to jail for leaving "presents" on the lawns of people I don't like.
So it turns out that "She's on the can. Do you want to wait?" is somehow not an "appropriate" thing to say on the phone. Women are so picky.
I never understood this "shirt and shoes required" thing. You'd think that pants should be required and underwear would be an absolute necessity.
Take it from me, it's always bad news when you hear "Whoops!" while you're at the barber shop - especially if you said it and it involves what you've been doing under that little smock.
The only things in life that you can't avoid are death and taxes. And an occasional pedestrian.
If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be "You can trust me as far as you can throw me."
It's nice to be proven right. The very first time I saw "Predator," I said to myself, "You know, any one of these guys would make a great governor."
When you want to end a particularly annoying sales call, try yelling, "Do you realize it's three in the morning here?!" It doesn't work as well though, if you're the one who placed the call.
If there's one thing I hate, it's clay figurines shaped like heads or animals with herbs growing on them. Chia pet peeve.
I had a tough day down at the sewage treatment plant today. Different shit, different day.
Something seems odd about brushing my teeth after lunch while my coworker, Dan, is seated just a few feet away, relieving himself. Maybe it's because we're in the supply room.
I may not be able to buy happiness, but I still want the money.
About that infinite monkey/infinite typewriter thing... do monkeys get carpal tunnel syndrome? 'Cause I'm not springing for bananas and disability insurance.
If I was Lance Armstrong, I would change my name to Lance Legstrong.
