WHO KILLED LADY DI, and WHY? TOP SEVEN SUSPECTS!
7. ELTON JOHN, because his career was in the toilet, his shopping sprees had left him destitute, and he had an idea for the perfect comeback song, if only...
6. FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON, becaused she had repeatedly rebuffed his clumsy sexual advances, according to Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, etc, etc, ad vomitum.
5. THE BRITISH PROFESSIONAL FLORIST ASSOCIATION, for obvious reasons.
4. ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON, because whenever he called, the bitch pretended like she wasn't home. And nobody screens the Juice.
3. OSAMA BIN LADEN and SADDAM HUSSEIN, because, well... why the hell not?
2. MOTHER THERESA, who was so unbelievably humble and in such bad health that she sicced a Sisters of Charity hit-squad to murder Di and make it look like a tragic accident, hoping that the resulting media circus would emotionally exhaust everyone, leaving them incapable of making too big a deal out of her death, which happened just a few days later.
1. The CIA, out of sheer force of habit.
