The Five Levels of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you
get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends
buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one
you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get
seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to
leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I
working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get
five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've
just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now
you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever
seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom
you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we
bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit
bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now.
As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm
cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call,
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This
time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of
the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking,
"Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you
knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to
yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep
anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for
me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides,
as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your
money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named
Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar
with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's
the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I
gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind
of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress
with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm
gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams,
"WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside
for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in
daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they
look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest,
if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've
beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's
flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition,
"and this time, I mean it!"
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you
get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends
buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one
you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get
seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to
leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I
working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get
five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've
just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now
you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever
seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom
you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we
bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit
bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now.
As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm
cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call,
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This
time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of
the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking,
"Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you
knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to
yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep
anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for
me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides,
as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your
money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named
Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar
with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's
the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I
gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind
of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress
with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm
gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams,
"WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside
for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in
daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they
look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest,
if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've
beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's
flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition,
"and this time, I mean it!"
