All About Men

ALL ABOUT MEN

These are dedicated to all the men who think

WIFE stands for
Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc.
---> What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.

---> How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.

---> Why is shopping better than men?
If you don't like it, you can take it back!

---> When does a man know when to stop having sex?
When he has had his orgasm.

---> What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out

---> Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

---> What is
the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

---> How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A. One - men will screw anything.
B. One - men will screw up anything.
C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

---> Man only learned to walk upright cause they put beer on the top shelf!

---> If a man stands in a corner with his hands in his pockets, he isn't feeling crazy. He is feeling nuts.

---> My husband accidentally swallowed a frog now the doctors fear he might croak.

---> How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

---> What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

---> Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it
starts.

---> Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

---> How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

---> How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

---> How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the
circus the clowns don't talk.

---> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

---> Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

---> Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?

---> What are the three things a man over 40 should never forget?
1. Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
2. Never trust a fart.
3. Never take a hard-on for granted.

---> He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.

---> Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

---> A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.

---> Why are windows male?

Because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.

---> Why is shit male?
Because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

---> Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads to sex.

---> The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

---> Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
You have to dodge a lot of bull.

---> Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

---> Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.

---> Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

---> Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

---> Q. Why are vibrators better than men?
A. Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

---> Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A:
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

---> What is the difference between men and women:....
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

---> How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

---> Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

---> Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

---> First woman: "I love to see a man´s firm ass"
Second woman:"I think I like to look at a man's washboard stomach."
Me: "I prefer to see the top of his head."

---> When will a guy wear pantyhose to work?
When his wife has found a pair in the glove compartment.

---> "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the
wrong man."

---> Man is a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.

---> My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

---> Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

---> There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

---> When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

---> Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

---> There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

---> Virginity can be cured.

---> Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

---> I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

---> Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

---> Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

---> Q: What's an Australian
kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

---> A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy With the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......

---> Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

---> Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

---> Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

---> Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

---> Of course you've heard about the Viagra! computer virus, it turns your 3 & 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

---> Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men Still sleep with their wives
!!!.

---> Q: What was the greatest tragedy of movie “SHOLE”
---> A: THAKUR had no wife and GABBAR cut his hands.