WAYS TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER THE STOCK MARKET CRASH
* Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
* The 'Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.
* Show up at the Million Man March in your Al Jolson makeup.
* Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
* Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
* Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
* Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
* Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
* Hold a 'Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' meeting at your Miami apartment.
* Tie yourself to Marv Albert's career.
* Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker.
* Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won't even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes."
